Rough Day

[Chrissie]

I've really had a rough day today. Had one of those "did I do enough or the right thing", "did he know how much I love him", "why wasn't I there when he died" days. I thought that after 7 months some of those thoughts would ease up. Tim wanted to die at home, but due to some complications he had to go to a hospice care center. They were wonderful to Tim & I, he couldn't of have any better care anywhere! I truly thought he would go for a few days and come home but that didn't happen. When I have days like this I have visions of him in there not knowing why and just thinking I gave up on him. He was always worried he was a burden to me. I told him not to be silly, that I love him and would do anything for him. Since he couldn't talk to me before he died, I will never know how he felt, but I could just see the sadness in his eyes. This just tears me up and I feel so sick inside. I miss him so very much and would give anything to have him back to care for!! I've never told anyone about this feeling and I just had to get it out. Thank you for being here for me and letting me get this out.

Chris

[Nick]

Hi Chris,

It has been a little over a year for me and I still have those feelings. I just try to put them in the right compartments in my brain and not let myself get too caught up in the what if's. It's a normal response to grieving you can't help but have those thoughts . It's what you do with them that really matters. For myself I feel them then need to take a step back and remind myself to ease up and not be so hard. Our husbands know we loved them they would not like to see us this way. I talk to my husband all the time I told him I was sorry and that I forgive him for all the things we never got to resolve. Were trying to make sense of this new world when nothing does so it's easiest to look at ourselves first and place blame. After all someone has to take the blame, I'm sure just by the way you took care of your husband he knew you loved him. It's okay to feel those feelings just don't stay in that mind set for very long nothing good comes out of it! Think of all the ways you were there for your husband and how you supported him.

[Marion Claire]

You mention the sad eyes. I have that haunting me. He would pull me close and just lay his head on me and his eyes were so sad, it broke to heart. He never said anything at those times, just help me tight. I know it was as close as he could get to saying goodbye. Yes and now I wonder and try to remember if I told him enough times while he was still coherant and awake just how very much he meant to me. Did I really do all that I should have or should I have done anything different. I know the cancer would have won reguardless but think we can't help but wonder..

[kayc]

Chrissie,

My husband always considered me above anything/anyone else. But on the weekend he died, he chided me...it was the only time he ever did. I was away when he had a heart attack and he didn't want the doctor to call me. By the time I found out about it, I was several hours away and didn't have my own car, I was dependent on my sister for a ride. I was at my sister's reunion and she wanted to stay so she could gamble. I had a hard time with that, I just wanted to be with my husband at the hospital. I talked to him on the phone and he said not to come, he'd be in tests all day and wouldn't get to see him anyway. I, of course, did not want to be with my sisters, I wanted to be with him, but I knew if I made her take me to the hospital, he'd feel like he ruined my weekend (after all, that's why he told the doctor not to call me)...as if the weekend wasn't already ruined, but I didn't want to make him feel bad for it. So I stayed. I paced, I prayed, I waited, I did not enjoy myself. That night I called him again and he'd gotten back from his tests and had just gotten the results...which he did not share with me at that time. He learned it was not good, he had to know he was going to die...but he didn't tell me that. He was grumpy, which he never was with me, and he said, (like he had hurt feelings) "I would have walked across the world on broken glass to be with you!" I just replied softly, "I know you would have, George." I knew it was not him talking but his illness. How would I feel if I'd just learned I was going to die? How would I feel if I was in that much pain? I knew this man loved me more than anything in the world...and I also know he would not have wanted me to hitch hike or place my safety in jeopardy. I let it go. Could I have allowed myself to feel guilty when he died because I hadn't gotten there sooner? Of course! Would I have deserved to feel guilty? No. Would he want me to feel bad? No. I don't know why things transpired like they did...but they did. It was out of my hands and out of his too. Was it some kind of bad joke that I go away once a year and that has to be the weekend he dies? I don't know...but it is what it is. George and I were always there for each other, always supportive...and I felt bad that the hospital didn't let me stay in his room when they were working on him in that final heart attack, I wish I could have been there. But I can't feel guilty for what was beyond my choice or decision making. Sometimes we just have to let go of stuff and have the faith that we KNOW our loved one knew how much we loved them and how much they meant to us. I had proven that over and over, I'd given him the best years of his life, we'd been happy together, blissfully so...that is what George would remember about his life with me.

[Chrissie]

Thank you all for your understanding and kind words, they really helped me cope with what I've been feeling. It seems like every day there is something new to cope with, but being able to come to this site with people that understand helps me know I can make it.

Chris

[melina]

Chris,

If you read my posts you'll see that guilt is a main theme for me. My husband was in the hospital for a week before he died, and we had no idea he was going to die until just a few hours before it happened. I feel guilt each and every day for not being a better wife to him before he left us. But people here have been good about helping me through that. Guilt is, apparently, a normal part of grief. And while I still feel it intensely, and still long to go back and change the past, I know that I'll have to block that out and accept that there were good times and bad times if I'm to go on living. I have to focus on what was good. I can barely read these posts, because I know the guilt will return, but I guess we just have to plow through it. It's hard, I know.

Melina

[Lainey]

Chrissie,

I know exactly what you're saying.I have felt those same feelings since the day he passed, and it was driving me crazy.

With the help of a cousillor I realize now that I did all I could, he knew I loved him more than life itself and I always will.

No, there was nothing I could do to take away the disease or the pain.

Yes I did all that I was humanly capable of doing.

Yes he knew I loved him.

I am now beginning to be able to let go of the guilt and it feels good to not have a huge burden on my shoulders.I am able to walk with my head held high because I know I did all I could for the most important person in my life.We all did the best we could.

"BE PROUD OF YOURSELVES".

Hugs, Lainey

[Korina]

I too, continue to have those feelings of guilt, and it has been 15 months. But thankfully, they don't overwhelm me as often, and as mentioned earlier, I try to put them into compartments, or put them into perspective. I think I will always have them to some degree, but I can deal with them.

Korina

[linsey]

I know the feeling I lost nick may 24 he was only 30 we had only been married four years. He battled cancer for three years. He didnt talk much his last couple of days and i fear he did not know how much I loved him. He was so strong up till the end he still thought he could beat the cancer he fought so hard. I know he had to be scared he just did not want to show it.