Learning How To Be Alone

[melina]

I was thinking - after posting yesterday - that I've never actually lived alone before. I was in a dorm in college, and then shared with some friends. But my husband and I moved in together nearly 30 years ago, married a year and a half later, and now is the first time I've ever had to manage by myself.

I'm 52, and I wonder if I can learn how to do this. I've never been the type to have a lot of friends, going out with "the girls", like other people have done. So far I'll have my youngest son at home until next fall, but he'll probably go off to college then.

The grief, sadness and missing my husband is bad enough. But I feel actually pretty scared about doing everything myself, having all the responsibility for not only my own life, but my sons, our house, the yard, the dog, etc. And sooner or later I'll have to return to work, making all this even harder.

Do other people feel this way and for those of you who have come further in the grief process, whose loss is not so recent, how have you learned to be alone?

Melina

[bluebird]

Hi Melina

Its been one year since my husband passed away with his battle to cancer.We were marries 43 years,I was 19 when I married and never lived alone till this past year.

Yes I have learned to manage my life the best I can, its far from perfect but I take one day at a time. I dont like living by myself either and dont have a big circle of friends. I have joined some support groups and met many people, but still feel so alone. This winter I am going to volunteer at Home Hospice Care.We have to think of all the years we've been married,so it's not easy. I miss my Bill, he was my heart. I'll keep you in my prayers.

[Lainey]

Hi Melina,

I hear what you're saying. After living with someone for my whole adult life and then "POOF" it's gone is a very hard thing to get used to. Lars travelled with his job, so I was used to a few nights of being alone. But NOTHING can prepare a person to a life of lonliness.I dislike coming home to an empty house, so the radio, T.V. and lights are left on now. Yes, you do adjust to it, what choice do you have?

We, as a couple had many friends, now they seem to have lost my number. I,like you,never did the "girls" night. I spend more time with the kids and the g/babies sleep over alot.I've also joined a grief group, hopefully as well as helping me, I will find new friendships. You said you worked, maybe you could call a co-worker and go for coffee.

The responsibilities that have been dropped onto your shoulders may be a good thing, Melina. Every new experience will make you stronger and you will realize that you are capable of alot more than you think. My first major desicion was to buy a furnace and A/C without the kids' help. After I did it I was very proud of my accomplishment and realized I CAN do for myself. BE proud of yourself.

It sounds like your boys are adults or close to. Just keep doing what your husband and you did. Let them know that you love and care for them. Keep them close to your heart, that's what is important.

Hugs,

Lainey

[kayc]

But I feel actually pretty scared about doing everything myself, having all the responsibility for not only my own life, but my sons, our house, the yard, the dog, etc. And sooner or later I'll have to return to work, making all this even harder.

Do other people feel this way and for those of you who have come further in the grief process, whose loss is not so recent, how have you learned to be alone?

Melina

Uh-huh. I feel that way all the time. It's not having someone to share in all of the joys and griefs with that's hard. There is no one else besides me that is responsible for everything around the place, earning enough money, etc. And to top it off, feeling like there's no one that really cares, well that's hard. I guess you just have to do your best with it and hope it all comes out. I try to stop and see a friend now and then to break up the monotony of being alone. Am not sure I'll ever feel comfortable in this life.

[Lindakay]

Hey Melina, I never had children with Scott and lived 34 years with him. Married for 33. So I have not lived alone since then. Then it was only for a few months when I left my roommates and lived in one of mom's apartments. Now I'm alone. No children/but two dogs. I had a smaller place but alot of property in Fla. We traded for a large home and an acre up here in Carolina. The home is about 3000 square feet. I kind of feel guilty liking living alone. I miss Scott every day and didn't choose this. But I don't want a roomie. I'd rather live in a one bedroom before choosing a roomie. I do have family and friends come up to visit. Love playing the bed and breakfast thing. They call it Spa Linda. I make them feel comfy. It is a guilty pleasure in an otherwise miserable situation. I cook what he hated to eat and share with friends and neighbors. I travel, where I want with no guilt for leaving him home with the dogs. He didn't want to come. I'd rather have been with him but he moved me out of state and I love my family and friends. I only went home for six days once a year. He told me I could have them come stay and visit and go home a couple times a year. He changed that when I got up here. He was isolating himself to eventually take the exit plan and committ suicide. I realized this was the depression. I am not or ever have been depressed. Sad, yes, not depressed.He couldn't have people stay here cause he was depressed and didn't want to pretend everything was ok. He told me the whole truth and apologized to me. He said I did what he was hoping to do by moving/adapting/making new friends/get a job/enjoy learning my new town/get to know my neighbors.

He was glad I did and admitted he couldn't. He couldn't run from his self. My family knew that but reluctly let me try to save him by moving. They stayed in touch all the time. They knew I loved him.

So living alone, let's see, you clean up and it stays clean, you go through your stuff and declutter and spread your stuff round. You dwell and cry when you see something he saved. Like the paper bags from presents he bought me up the mountain. You see we bought for no reasons and holidays didn't have the expectations. I bought what I wanted and for him all the time. He occasionally bought me things. I loved getting an original poem more than a gift. He wrote over 100.

You come to feel being alone is "your" sanctuary. I did remodel some to change the feel. Melina, it's not bad being alone in your own place. I do miss everything about him. Love is like that.Linda Kay

[Marion Claire]

Like I have said before I can not figure out how to live alone. But I mean only without Ray cause with him gone I want to live alone. I hate the fact he's not physically here but want no one else here except for visits. The day he passed away, I had chose to go home alone but one daughter followed me to see I made it home after being at the hospital for days on end. Day and Night. Seeing I got in the house everyone went home and left me alone to sleep, cry, scream or whatever I needed to do..

[Korina]

You mentioned going back to work, and that it would make things worse. I have been back to work for several months, and yes, it was very hard at first, both because Scott always used to call and email me at work, but also because I had to leave my daughter in daycare. But it actually didn't take to long for being at work to help, as it at least gave me something else to focus on for part of the day.

Korina