It Still Doesn't Seem Real.

[Gloria1]

This is my first post. I lost my husband 3 months ago to cancer. It still doesn't seem real. I'm fine during the day but it's worse at home. My daugher is 9 and she was a Daddy's girl. However, she seems to be doing better than me. The worst thing is the regrets. We had a lot of ups and downs. He kept smoking during the chemo. I was sooo angry and scared. We argued about it a lot. He stayed in denial. He was still doing better, the cancer wasn't growing and then he was sick and gone in a few days. I'm past the anger, now just sad. We didn't get that time to say goodbye, even though we knew it was coming. I never realized how much I would miss him. I've always been very independent. I never realized how much I depended on him. I miss him every minute. Thanks for listening.

[Lainey]

Dear Gloria,

Welcome to the site, you will find many wonderful people here. I am so sorry that you need to be here,none of us want to be.

I lost my husband 10 months ago,we knew that the doctors had done everything they could.. it was just a matter of time. Even though we talked about the inevitable, I still at times wish that we would have expressed our feelings more. He was in a lot of pain and on heavy doses of meds. that made him mixed up and not himself. He slept as much as the pain allowed, at those times I was busy doing things that had to be done. Needless to say, as well as the stress, I was exhausted and there were times when we were miserable with each other. I truly regret this, if I could go back to the last few months, there would be NO fighting.

Maybe you could write him a letter saying good-bye and letting him know how much you loved him and miss him now.I started a journal to Lars, at first I wrote in it every day, sometimes every hour. Just poured my heart out to him. Now that I feel better, I still write but only once or twice a week. I also talk to him all the time,especially while I'm driving places. People must think I'm nuts!!

Does your girl talk to you about "Daddy"? That might help you also.

Keep posting and reading here, some of the advice given here can make you feel much better.

Wishing you the best,

Lainey

[Kat2005]

I am so sorry for your loss, Gloria. I lost my husband to prostate cancer almost 16 months ago. We all have regrets. There were things unsaid. I didn't know that I would only have nine months with him. I was always trying to keep him positive telling him he needed to fight. If I would have known the time he had I would have handled it differently. I was also exhausted and wish I would have been more patient at times. I think that is what I regret the most. I have been journaling for over a year and it has helped me tremendously. I just feel like I am still sharing my days with him.

Children are amazing. They cope with change so much better than adults. Just keep the memories of her dad alive. Your love and support will help her through this. She is also going to help you through this journey. I know if it wasn't for my son this would be so much harder. He is my rock and I don't know what I would do if I didn't have him.

This is a wonderful site with alot of caring people. Come here as often as you need to. There is always someone here listening. It really helps to know that you are not alone.

I will keep you in my prayers.

Take care, Kat

[Chrissie]

Gloria,

I think Kat & Lainey really hit it on the head. Tim has been gone for 8 months now and I still struggle with the reality. There are times I turn to say something to him and the reality slaps me in the face. I also have those thoughts about doing the right thing, did I do enough. Even though, in my heart I know I did all I could for him, my brain keeps playing those little head games. Lainey, I'm so glad you mentioned the hard times because of stress & exhaustion. Tim & I went through the same thing and I feel so guilty sometimes. The last thing I wanted to do was fight with him, I loved him so much and still do. I hope I'm not making it sound like it mever gets better because it does. I don't think the pain ever goes away but it does ease and it allows you to enjoy your memories, to smile and laugh again and to be thankful for the years you had with each other. Please take care of yourself and welcome to the site. We are all here for you and for each other.

Chris

[kayc]

Gloria,

Welcome...there are a lot of others also new to this. I also was ill prepared for how hard it would hit me when my husband died since I was "the strong one" and have always been independent, but the truth is, we were interdependent on each other and the love we shared can never be replaced.

It helps to voice yourself here where it's safe and you can be heard. I wish you the best.

Kay

[Queeniemary]

Gloria, so very sorry for your loss. My husband died on Jan. 13th of a massive coronary. No warning, no symptoms. I was in hospital having had total knee replacement, so the first few weeks are just a blur of shock, grief, and pain meds. You will find good support on this forum. We are all in different places on this road of the journey we did not want to take. At nearly 9 months, I am finding that the SUG (sudden unexpected grief) is not attacking me as often, but all the time, under everything else is awareness of the fact that Michael is gone, and not coming back. We all understand the pain and grief you are going through. I still miss Michael very much, and always will, but I am learning to live without him. I don't really have a choice. The pain is always there, but I am learning to live with it, and trying to go forward. praying for you and all of us in this club we did not want to join.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[Lindakay]

I started a grief journal to my husband. I name each chapter which is the writing of that day. I talk to him by writing him. They say it's good to read it a year later. I did and I'm not as bad as I was at the time. It helps to say in writing the fears and doubts and good and bad you are thinking. Do it and don't read them after you proof them Put them in a nice notebook. Mine is leather. I don't write everyday, and less now than last year. I also talk to him in the car.

It's a journey of your pysche. LindaKay

[Gloria1]

Thanks for the comments and support. It's nice to not feel as alone. My friends and mom try to understand, but they do not. I do talk to him when I look at his picture. I've apologized a million times about all the hurt words. I like the idea of the letters or the journals. My daughter talks to him too. She says he's her guardian angel and she says things like "he's here with me, just invisible". When she is upset she says it's just not fair. I agree and hug her. It's not fair. He was only 39. Other times she doesn't want to talk because it will make her too sad. He died at home, which is a blessing and a curse. We have a split-level house and he was downstairs. That is where the hospital bed was. My daughter seldom goes down there. Still too hard. I wish I would have told him I loved him more and fought less. I hope this gets easier soon.

Thanks for listening.

Gloria

[sunstreet]

Gloria, I am so sorry for your need to come here. I welcome you and I want you to know that it is safe here. Grief is unrelenting at times. One visual I use that helps me is to think of the pain as waves on the ocean, and all waves eventually reach shore and dissipate. My Melissa suicided on December 25, 2003 almost 7 years ago and other losses all within a span of four years. I think I put my grief over Melissa's suicide as far away as I could as I could at the time or else surely I would have crumbled into many pieces. I had to face cancer this year myself and that journey really brought the fact Melissa was not here to the surface. No-one should have to face cancer alone. They were succesful at removing all the cancer and so far so good. All I can say is that grief is an up and down thing, it ebbs and flows as the tide. Talking into a tape recorder to my Melissa helps me a lot. I also journal. Courage to you.

Blessings, Carol Ann