melina Posted October 7, 2010 Report Share Posted October 7, 2010 I'm still feeling a lot of guilt and "if onlys". It's been two months since I lost my husband to cancer. We only talked about death at the beginning - when he got the diagnosis. After we received the message that the radiation treatment would be "curative" instead of "palliative" and that he had a good chance of beating this thing, we just focused on him getting better. We focused on life. Even when toward the end, he had a lot of extra problems - pneumonia, shingles, side-effects from treatments and medications - we still focused on life. We talked about what we were going to do this fall, next year, in two years, and so on. I'm sure he must have thought about death, since he was the one feeling all the symptoms. I was scared and tired and basically I wasn't sure how to help him. He never brought up the subject and I didn't talk about it either. But neither of us had any idea he was going to die when he did. A few days before he died the oncologist was talking about two years, because it had spread to the bone. But she was open to the idea that he might live beyond that with all the experimental treatments. Now that it turned out he did die anyway - I feel terrible that I didn't talk about death - prepare him. I should have asked him if he was scared, what his thoughts were, instead of telling him I was scared. Only at the very end when it was clear he was dying did I ask him if he was scared. He said yes, and I told him not to be, because we were all there with him, and that we would be together again, and that we loved him. I don't know - maybe we were both in denial. But was it wrong to focus on hope and life? I keep thinking - I should have said this, I should have said that. But now it's too late. I will never know how he really felt. Maybe he was protecting me. Melina (feeling low tonight) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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