Should We Have Talked About It

[melina]

I'm still feeling a lot of guilt and "if onlys". It's been two months since I lost my husband to cancer. We only talked about death at the beginning - when he got the diagnosis. After we received the message that the radiation treatment would be "curative" instead of "palliative" and that he had a good chance of beating this thing, we just focused on him getting better. We focused on life. Even when toward the end, he had a lot of extra problems - pneumonia, shingles, side-effects from treatments and medications - we still focused on life. We talked about what we were going to do this fall, next year, in two years, and so on. I'm sure he must have thought about death, since he was the one feeling all the symptoms. I was scared and tired and basically I wasn't sure how to help him. He never brought up the subject and I didn't talk about it either.

But neither of us had any idea he was going to die when he did. A few days before he died the oncologist was talking about two years, because it had spread to the bone. But she was open to the idea that he might live beyond that with all the experimental treatments.

Now that it turned out he did die anyway - I feel terrible that I didn't talk about death - prepare him. I should have asked him if he was scared, what his thoughts were, instead of telling him I was scared.

Only at the very end when it was clear he was dying did I ask him if he was scared. He said yes, and I told him not to be, because we were all there with him, and that we would be together again, and that we loved him.

I don't know - maybe we were both in denial. But was it wrong to focus on hope and life? I keep thinking - I should have said this, I should have said that. But now it's too late. I will never know how he really felt. Maybe he was protecting me.

Melina

(feeling low tonight)

[sunstreet]

Melina,

I am sorry you are struggling with guilt and "if onlys." I think it is normal to go through these feelings. What I want you to know is that you did everything you could in each moment that you could and no-one can ask more than that.

I commend you for focusing on life when cancer came inot your lifes; how utterly positive. I am so sorry for what you went through watching your husband journey with cancer. I am just so sorry for your pain, your guilt, your questioning yourself. I for one do not hold you accountable for any thing that you think you did not do or say.

It is your love for your husband that brought you here to this site. I know this because that it is what brought me here. I hold you in prayer as you weather this journey.

Blessings, Carol Ann

[Guest popengena]

Melina,

I can't offer any words of comfort to you, because we are at the same place. I lost Joe on 8/2......and I am overwhelmed with my loss of him...I'm crying now because of reading ur post. We went thru a similar thing at the end. Joe had stage 4 congestive heart failure for 2 yrs. In March they put in an LVAD, it was supposed to be the answer to his prayers. The family is NOT given nearly enough information about how traumatic and invasive this surgery is, and what a committment the spouse needs to take for his physical care. Joe was in surgery for 9 hours, it took 3 days to take him off the vent.....and it was a slow and miserable recovery..the he wanted to...he wanted to live, but he hated the device. He got so depressed, because of the weekly trips to the hospital where he'd be admitted, let out and be back in a week....it was like that until the end. Part of me is still stunned that he didn't die of a heart attack, but of a massive stroke.

I feel so much guilt too. About everything...was I nice to him? did he KNOW how much I loved him? Was I kind? Did I tell him how I've loved him since I was 20..over 30 yrs? The Joy he gave me? How no one in the world ever has made me laugh harder or longer then him........That I was grateful for the life he gave me? I think I tried...but I also went overboard in saying..ok....don't be depressed..this is a new life, we will get used to it!! Come on, you need to think positively......I guess I was truly in denial...but if anyone asked me, I would have said, yes...I'm prepared, I know how sick he is...OMG, I havent gotten any of it right.

If nothing else Melina.....at least we both no we aren't crazy.

Hugs

[LarrysGirl]

We didn't talk about it. He was sick for a few years, waiting for a transplant. They kept telling us to hang on, he would get a transplant so year after year we waited. It was HOPE and neither of us would allow anything any different. We they found cancer that Sept. I felt my insides start to shake but I wanted to be strong for him. He fought and tolerated so much illness and misery. He died in Nov. the day before his 50th birthday. Like you I was so exhausted taking care of him 24/7, trying to keep him going and keep his hope alive that I never stopped long enough to let myself think he would die much less talk to him about it. I wonder was his scared, did he need me to do something different, did he need me to talk about it. I'm afraid that will haunt me forever. I know I did the best I could but I didn't save him. Deborah

[Guest popengena]

Oh wow.....you just explained it again too. Joe was hoping the LVAD would get him strong enough for a transplant, but he was turned down 3 times.......he died a week after the 3rd turn down....I am going nuts wondering if he just had enough...and gave in, because his chances of transplant were very slim, and he despised the LVAD....I just wish I could talk to him 1 more time..thats all...........just so I'd know..I cant stop crying tonight..sorry.

[nats]

Melina,

Don't be to hard on yourself, we all shoulda, woulda, coulda but we didn't....I'm not being harsh we all have our thoughts on those issues, but that's in the past and we can not change it, but we can change the present and that's to focus on the positive points you have shared, I am at 8 months since Ruth left, I'm finding I must be focused on positive thoughts in the present and I'm making progress, I've learned to accept the things I can not change and focus on all the good times and love we shared and it brings me up, I cry but after I cry I feel differant than when I'm crying because I'm sad....we did talk about her passing on several brief occasions a few while I was holding her in my arms before falling asleep and she would notice I was crying and she'd just tell me "I'm going to beat this thing" with such confidence, but I knew in my heart it was only a matter of time....we thought we had 10 more months per the doctor, but once she lost control of her legs due to it spreading to her spine reality sat in, we had not gotten our wills completed or anything she went in for chemo on my birthday 2/6 came home around the 11th and joined God on the 14th Valentines Day....but we must all know we did, thought and said what we did then, and can't fault ourselves now or we'll never progress...so with that being said I pray you may find some comfort and answers you are seeking....

NATS

[kayc]

Melina,

We didn't get to talk about death/dying either because it all happened so fast and we didn't get to be alone with each other when he was awake. But I sensed a pulling away, just a bit, when I came to see him that fateful day, and I think he had an idea that he might not make it and was trying to deal with it. We had always shared everything, but maybe it just is that you leave face your maker alone and that is the one thing I couldn't share with him. I wish I could have held his hand when he died, I wish I could have ushered him into the next life, but I wasn't allowed that. I do know that God was there to greet him on the other side and those gone before us, and I know he is okay...it is me that is left here in this imperfect world to deal with all the problems and suffering...not him. For that I am thankful, he is out of it...it's me that has to continue on.

[kath]

I didn't talk about dying either, except when he was admitted to the hospital the week before he did. We wrote his living will. I would have much rather talked about living during that time. I would have liked to reminisce about the fun we had, the places we'd seen together, the laughs. But before then, I couldn't give in to thoughts of it, though I know he did. When he'd mention things, I'd be frantic, calling his doctor to set up another appointment, asking more questions. I know he saw what it did to me, so it didn't come up again.

I had read, that those nearest death are free from fear about it. It isn't so much as an acceptance, but a grace they are given. I saw that in Bob. It is what gave me hope at the bitter end. I was with my grandma when she died of natural causes. I was there when she was suddenly alert and asked so clearly, "Am I dying?" I always told Grams the truth, mostly because no one else did. So I said, "Yes. You are. Are you afraid?" And she said, "No." That was it. The last time she spoke. And after being a widow for 48 years, I knew exactly what she was looking forward to. But again, there was no fear.

Bob contracted hepatitis C from a blood transfusion long before I knew him. It was diagnosed two years before his death. We had 27 years together. For 25, he was healthy and we were happy. Being sick was hard on him. There was so much more he wanted to do. But, when he had the accident that gave him the tainted blood, he nearly died. He lifted up and away from his body and watched the paramedics work on him. He saw the light and he talked about it often. He said it was the most peaceful, calm he had ever felt. It was beautiful. But it wasn't his time and he knew he was "sent" back. If he hadn't been, I wouldn't have known him. He was not afraid of dying, ever. Because it had happened once, he knew what to expect, and fear was no part of it.

I remind myself often that for him, it is good. He is safe, healthy and unafraid. His dying had nothing at all to do with me. It was all about him. And now, he is living in glorious splendor. It is us and our human hearts that don't want to let go of what we had. The pain keeps us down for a long time. Someday, we'll share that light with them. I try to think of him as going ahead and paving the way...you know, scoping out the best spots to show me on our next excellent adventure.

[mlg]

There are certain steps you go through in grief and this is just one of them. The "denial" that he was going to die was one. We just all go through the same things but in a different order or you may skip one phase and take twice as long for another. What you are going through if very normal, just give yourself time because that is the only thing that helps each of us. It doesn't mean we will forget but the sting is a little less.