Empty

[redwind30]

It has been twenty four weeks ago today that I lost my husband. He was only 56; I am only 51. What am I going to do with the rest of my life? Every day is painful. I miss him so much. I work full time, but even when I am work the pain is still there. I feel lonely and lost. No family within 500 miles. Friends are all busy with their own lives; because they are all in their 40's and 50's none can relate to what I am going through. Nothing brings even the smallest bit of joy or happiness any more. I constantly feel like I am between a rock and a hard place. I want to sleep; when I sleep there is no pain, but if I sleep too much it seems to cause me to feel depressed. I look forward to the weekend because I will have a couple of days off; but at the same time I dread the weekend because it is a huge reminder of what my life is now. I don't want to spend the rest of my life alone; but I can't imagine being with anyone other than my husband. I don't fit in anywhere anymore. I don't have the energy, strength or desire to make a new life for myself. I don't WANT a new life! People tell me I need to get involved in something; sometimes I feel like that is jus another way to say "don't bother me, I don't have time for you". I don't know what to get involved with. I don't feel like I can volunteer to help anyone else when I am so drained. I just hurt so bad. I guess I am a really weak person. I just don't know what to do get away from this pain. I am so lonely and so empty.

[LostmyHoney]

You are not a week person!!! The fact that you get up every day and go to work when you should shows great strength! I spend my workdays greating people with a smile and a "hey how ya doin?" hearing a "fine thanks and you?" responding with a simple "I'm ok is there anything I can help you with today?". I thought it was helping to convince myself that I really was ok but it seems to be haveing some side efects. I feel like crying all day long but can't. Some times I just wast to break something and have got rough with some of the carts we use slaming them into the cardboard bailer, running into other carts ext...Just generally feeling like hurting someone...though I never would. I also feel numb and empty, break times were my time to call my Honey and just chat, now I just feel ill every time I have to take a break. I want my Honey back but I know I cant have him! I've had a feeling for a long time now that he was my last love, and have no intention of getting involved with another. My family is 2,958 miles away and I will close that gap sometime after the 1st of the year. I left both my parents, a brother and my 3 grown sons to spend a very happy 3 yrs 3 mo with the last love of my life. Truly the only love of my life as the 1st and 2nd were abusive control freaks! Though I wouldnt change the first cuz he gave me my 3 handsome loveing sons! Dont think of what your feeling as a sign of weekness but as a sign that you have just been strong for too long. I wish you peace and God bless.

Rachel

[Queeniemary]

Redwind30, you are not weak, you are suffering from grief, and it is a debilitating thing to go through. You are functioning at work, so you are being very strong. Believe it or not, it will slowly get bearable. After 9 months, I feel like I am slowly starting to enjoy life again. I will never feel like I did before, but I am not bowed down by grief all the time now, like I was for many months. I miss Michael, I always will. I have the memories, and someday I will be with him again, but in the meantime, there is a purpose I am still here, and I am trying to find it. I also don't want to live my life alone, but as you said, I can't imagine spending it with anyone else. I have good friends and great supportive family, and my work (for now, until I retire in May). I also am still very active in the community theater that Mike and I both enjoyed doing. Sometimes it is hard, but he loved it, and so do I.

Praying for you Redwind30, and all of us on the journey we did not ask to make.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[redwind30]

Mary, Thanks for the words of encouragement. It is good to know that there is hope. It sounds like you are a few months ahead of me on this awful road we are traveling. Maybe, I will get there too.

[kayc]

You aren't weak, you have been through severe trauma and it takes a lot of time and effort to get through this. It is a day at a time, please try not to worry about what you'll do with the rest of your life, just get through today. Volunteering can be small things, it doesn't have to be a big thing, it can be something that fits in with your life and desires. It can be holding babies in the neonatal unit or walking dogs at the humane society, it can be handing out a cup of soup in a homeless facility, it can be stopping in at a nursing home to visit the neighbor that went there. It gets our focus off ourselves and actually brings back more joy than we impart. You will know what to do when the time is right for you. Right now just get through today. I'm sorry you're so far away from family, I hope you have someone there that you can call on, we all need that.

[abergsma]

It is just 4 wks for me but hearing what all of you say is a great comfort. To know that there is great support within this group allows all of us to see we are not alone and have support from people who do understand.

Sorry you are so cut off from your family that must me tough.

Take care and keep in touch