I Should Have Just Done What I Wanted To

[LostmyHoney]

I should have just done what I wanted to do. The Firemen came and took his vitals, the EMS came and whisked him away. I waited for his call…He called we talked, said how much we loved each other, and said goodbye. I called him back as I often did just to make sure He knew …I wanted to go to Him but He said there was no need and I had to work the next day…I thought He would be ok. I woke the next morning and called, and called, and called…no answer. I called the hospital and tried to get someone to check on him…finally the voice said he was sleeping. I got ready for work and hoped he was comfortable and getting needed rest. As soon as I got inside my work my phone rings, the doctor says He is non responsive and wanted to know what to do. I should have asked more questions, thought she meant feeder tube to give medicine to bring ammonia levels down. Had no Idea she meant LIFE SUPPORT, ventilator, meds, ext …I got to the hospital and all I could do was wait in the intensive care waiting room, was there for hours, couldn’t get a doc or nurse to come tell me anything. When they finally let me see him I knew I had messed things up, I knew He didn’t want this, He wanted to be able to tell me and His sisters goodbye and slip out peacefully. We had talked about this often and I knew that, but I messed up. Later that day He had woke a little and looked at His sister and tried to talk, He didn’t see me, I leaned over Him and said don’t try to talk baby I’m here. I never got to talk with Him but I talk to Him as much as I could, and held His hand, but couldn’t hold Him cuz He had so much hooked up to Him. Monday… Tuesday… Wednesday I’m told there was improvement. Thursday 3am the doctor calls… He is dieing. I Went to His side and waited for His sister, I didn’t have any say for this decision as He and I were not married (why did they let me screw up the last decision then…). His sister let me tell them not to take off the vent as He feared a suffocation death. They left the pain meds on and the vent and we each held one of His hands as He slipped away…one final tear from Him and He was gone…

Weeks later I was thinking about that moment He woke and saw His sister and said two words and it came to me that He had said “Where’s Rachel?” I pray that He heard me and knew I was right there.

I should have just gone to Him when I wanted to. I don’t believe it would have changed any outcome but I would have felt better…

God bless us all!

Rachel

[kayc]

Rachel,

You didn't screw anything up. It sounds like the hospital could have been more communicative. Beyond that, sometimes it just happens like this, I don't know why. Nothing you said or did could have changed it. I'm sorry you're hurting. (((hugs)))

[Cheryl]

Rachel,

It's hard wondering what we could have done diffirent. It's agonizing to wonder how our loved ones felt when they died. I try to think about how our life was day in and day out. The consistant things we shared and the feelings we both held close to us as we went about our day. Your Honey could always count on you. He always knew that you loved him.

I was told that reviewing the day they die over and over in your head is part of the healing process. With that process you evaluate yourself and relive the death. Our minds want to change the outcome. Please remind yourself that you loved him and even though you might change something now, you did the best you could with what you knew at the time.

Hugs, Cheryl

[LostmyHoney]

Thank You both for responding! I learned at a very young age that it is impossible to know weather or not you would "do it diffrent" knowing what you do now. I was truley blessed by God when he chose me to be my parents daughter, they gave me the tools I needed to overcome sooo many obsticals in my life and not to take it personal. And as my Honey always said "Dont take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive!". He too was a blessing in my life that I will always treasure!!! I miss Him more than I ever imagined I would, and that took me by suprise...it shouldnt have though! It just felt good to get this off my chest.

Rachel

[kayc]

"Dont take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive!".

I like that.

You aren't the only one, Rachel. I was taken by surprise at just how hard it was to lose George...I was "the strong one", I thought I could handle anything...wrong!

[Kat2005]

Rachel,

I think we try to makes sense of everything and that is why we second guess ourselves. Should I have done this or should I have waited to do that. I think it is a natural healing process that we go through. The outcome would have been the same and we made the best decision that we could at the time. You did everything you could have done. I learned later that hearing is the last sense that we loose. If I would have know that on the last day I would have said so much more to him. It does bring me comfort to know that he did know that my son and I were with him.

He knew you were there and he heard you.

Take care, Kat

[LostmyHoney]

Thank You Kat !

Rachel

[Chrissie]

Thank you all for your replys to Rachel. I too have been questioning myself about the day Tim died. It's been almost 9 months now and I still have those days where I beat myself up. I know in my heart that there was no more I could of done, but my brain keeps fighting my heart. I feel like I should of said more to him and probably would of if I had just excepted the reality that he was not going to come home this time. I miss him every day, but the last day or so has been really tough. Tim loved this time of year. We are out of those Az. hot summers and now into cool weather. It's been cloudy & rainy, the holidays are coming and I know this is why. Guess it's just another first I have to get through. Hope I didn't ramble on too much, I just needed to talk to people that understand. I've been sitting here crying at my desk off & on all morning. Thanks for listening.

Chris

[Lainey]

Kat,

I didn't know that the last sense we lose is our hearing. I feel a bit better now, the night before Lars passed I spent most of the night talking to him. I talked about our life together, our children and g/babies, just poured my heart out. I sometimes felt he heard me, but because he was in the deep sleep already, I wasn't sure.

I have been remembering so much of what happened last year at this time, and what it led to that I feel like I am back at square one. I just want these next few months to go by quickly.

Lainey

[wmjsca]

So many woulda, coulda, shouldas now that it's over. I should have stayed longer, if I'd only known he'd be gone before weeks end. He was talking on Tuesday but gone by Friday. If only he had sought medical attention sooner, if only I hadn't been so angry and impatient with him because I didn't know he had a terminal disease....I thought he was just being stubborn about going to the doctor and suffering from depression. Why is hindsight so damn clear? He had every possible symptom of that damn Lymphoma, but I just didn't know....I couldn't make him seek help anyway...I just miss him so much and didn't know he was near death all the time he was home in denial of his illness....God, this hurts so much...........

[LostmyHoney]

wmjsca, Im so sorry for your loss. I know how you feel, sometimes I wonder did he know and thats why he didnt want me to go with him but even if he did I still carry him in my heart now!!!! I realize that the outcome probly would have been the same but I would have felt better if I had gone to him. The pain does easy up a bit but it is diffrent for everyone. This site has help me a great deal mostly just reading through others posts but have a few of my own. It feels good to release all the troubles of the mind and you can do that here. We are all in the same boat here, though all difrent, all the same too. I wish you peace and you will have it some day, Im getting a lil at a time.

God bless us all !

Rachel

[wmjsca]

Rachel,

I'm hoping for peace, but I have to get through Thursday's funeral first. I was mean to him sometimes because I knew something was wrong and he denied it. I felt horrible about that and apologized to him on the last day he was conscious. I guess I'm feeling guilty about the time I spent being angry and frustrated when I could have used that time to have been more kind, especially now that I know how short his time would be. I ache inside, I didn't know he was terminally ill....until it was too late. I stayed at his side until he took his last breath, because I promised him I'd never leave him. His body was full of fluid his system could no longer process so I held his swollen hand. I miss him, I want to hear his voice, I want to tell him now, you can bug me and get on my nerves as much as you want....I just need to know you're here with me again...This is so painful..........