Just Lost Fiance On 10/22

[wmjsca]

I cannot believe how hard this is. He was never sick. He didn't smoke; no chronic illnesses; no medications. We met when I was 46 and he had just turned 47. I had given up on love by then, but he was the sweetest, kindest soul on earth. He and my son bonded immediately and I embarked on the first real love affair of my life. He retired from public service in April and was enjoying his free time, but started feeling weak. I tried to get him to see a doctor and when he finally did was told it was nothing serious and no treatment followed. He went a few more months and was refusing to get help until two weeks ago he became so weak he was hospitalized. The diagnosis: Lymphoma, stage IV...I hardly had time to digest this news before he was on life support; disconnected; and died on 10/22/10 at age 53. I have never felt more pain. It's as though I'm living a bad dream and can't wake up. I can relate to the stories from people who envy couples. It's happening to me already. It's not fair....it took me until midlife to find the love of my life and he's gone. Just that quickly. I can't describe the pain.

[Billw]

I'm very sorry to hear of your loss. You don't have to describe the feelings that you are going through right now. We have and still are going through the same feelings you are experiencing. My wife died at 53 also just this past April. She was as healthy as ever. She had some issues in early fall of 08 and found a new doctor as she wasn't happy with the lack of concern from her first doc. She did clinical research for a living and was involved in an oncology study for ovarian cancer. When she went to the new doc she asked him for a test that is used for a tumor marker when being treated for ovarian cancer, there is no screening tests for this cancer but she wanted to know her number. Little did she know that she had diagnosed herself by asking for the test, it led us to the oncologist that ultimately became her doctor. One major surgery, 8 months of chemo, 3 months of radiation, she was gone in just 16 months. In the blink of an eye I lost my soul mate, a great wife, mother and best friend. I have been lost since April, nothing seemed real for months. Grief is powerful stuff. It has gotten a little easier with time but still has me beat up on a daily basis. I try to stay grateful for the time we had and it brings comfort but I miss her so bad some days it physically hurts. All I can say is hang in there, try to eat and rest as much as possible and stick close to friends and family that offer help. God bless you and take care.....BW

[wmjsca]

I am so relieved to hear words from someone who knows how this feels. Family and friends try to give words of comfort, but how could they know? I mean he had a biopsy on Tuesday, went on the breathing machine Wednesday, life support on Thursday then died on Friday. How can one come to terms with that? I can't describe how horrible it was to come home and all his things were left as though he was simply 'away and would return'. I still have to get through the services this Thursday. Thank you for your words.

[karebare725]

I too, am very sorry for your loss. I lost my husband on 10/17 and I feel your pain. My husband got a sick, and was dead 2 weeks later. He and I had only 5 yrs together. I feel like we were robbed of our future. I envy couples on tv and in public. Im trying not to pull away from friends and family who are in relationships, but its hard.

I dont have any words of wisdom because I am new at this too. I can only offer my support if you ever need an ear to bend. I have found this board helpful, eventhough I am new here.

[wmjsca]

I am sorry for your loss and understand. My fiance became gravely ill rapidly and was gone within a week.

He died on Friday and friends had a dinner for the family...people there were sad, but able to mingle just like any other family function. I was still in shock, wondering how to go on without the man I have loved for the last six years. They all were couples, I am now single forever. I hurt so bad and I can relate to how you feel.

[Lindakay]

Sorry to hear about how she died. My mom was a three time ovarian cancer survivor. Died of a heart attack after fighting the cancer 8 years. My best friend does clinical studies/cardiac. She had an incident at work and it was good her doctors knew what to do. LindaKay

[Billw]

We do know how you feel and we are here with you. As corny or cliche as it sounds this deal is literally a day at a time or sometimes a minute or hour at a time. People try to say things to bring comfort but it is hard to ease the pain at first. The fact that people are there does help though. Please know that you are not alone and use this forum as needed. It helps us all to share with one another. Everything is a blur at first and nothing seems normal. I am still looking for normal but have not found what that is yet. Try to keep the good memories you guys shared close to your heart, when I can do that it brings her closer to me and it is comforting. You will be in my thoughts and prayers this week. Take care BW

[Cheryl]

I am so sorry for your loss. My husband died 14 months ago. He was also the only man I ever loved. The father of our two wonderful kids. He was 49 years old and I was 44. He went to work and had a normal day. We talked at around noon and he was frustrated by one of his clients. I offered to meet for lunch but he had a lot to do. An hour later the police came to the door of my home and said he had been in a motorcycle accident. By the time I got to the hospital he had died. My world has been shattered. It has gotten easier after 14 months but I miss him so very, very much.

I remember the horror of him being taken from me so quickly and without any preperation. I still wake up some mornings and can't believe our life together is over. I am still shocked that he is missing from our home. This is the hardest road I have ever traveled. The most painful experience I could imagine. But I have survivied and I am learning to live in a new way. I am only telling you my story in the hopes that you will feel less alone in your pain. There are so many people in the world who have suffered in a similar way. Our paths may be different but we have universal sorrow. I hope this site brings you some peace. I hope the stories shared and the pain expressed will help you heal.

Again, I want you to know that we all care. Cheryl

[melina]

I'm sorry you had to join us. This is not a group for happy people, but there are supportive people here - and hopefully we'll all become happy again at some point. It's a comforting place to visit when you're hurting badly.

I lost my husband in August. I still have trouble naming the date. I'm 52. He was 64 - but a very young 64 - lots more energy than I ever had. We were together for 29 years, married for 28, and have four sons ages 19 through 26. Our youngest still lives at home with me. My husband was like yours - never sick, never smoked, very active, ran every day and generally in top physical condition.

Then last summer he was diagnosed with Stage 3 lung cancer. We were given hope that he might beat this. But suddenly in July he got pneumonia and died in August - not of pneumonia, but of an aggressive cancerous growth the doctors hadn't seen. It happened so quickly it was a huge shock and traumatic for all of us - we had no idea he was about to die. Just days before I'd been told he would have at least two years - probably more with the newer medications.

He died 10 weeks ago and I still can't figure out how I made it this far. The pain of grief during the first month was just unbelievable and unbearable. Now I feel like I'm on autopilot basically, but it's become a little easier. I never thought it would. I still have "aftershocks" - where my world caves in and I sob for hours (like today), but on the whole I've been remarkably able to cope. I wouldn't say I'm happy. He is always first and foremost in my mind. I miss him enormously. But believe it or not I have moments where I can make space for other things. I have even started reading novels again - just a couple of pages a night.

I know you feel it seems impossible to go on living a normal life. But I think you will. I am starting, sort of, to live again - maybe not my normal life - but at least I have found certain things in life that make it necessary for me to continue. A few days ago I laughed. One day you will too. The pain, I agree, is the worst you can feel, and there seems to be no relief. All I can say is that from what I've read on this site - things will get better in time.

Melina

[wmjsca]

Thank you, everyone. People tell me I won't be able to start healing until after the funeral, which is on Thursday. My story is similar to Melina's, in that when he was hospitalized, they said he had a 'touch of pneumonia'. There was no way to know that there was a cancerous lymph node that began terrorizing his body and within four days he was gone. I am still in shock. I even went to school for one class this week and felt like I was being carried there, I couldn't feel my legs under me. My professor sent me home. I thought I needed a diversion. All I do otherwise is cry at home, in the car, wherever I am. People who don't know he died keep asking, "where is your fiance" and I have to say "he passed away" and observe the shocked looks on their faces. I relive this day after day. I suppose people can learn to live again and for me it's much too soon to contemplate. I just can't imagine how to carve out a new existence without him. I'm 52 he was 53; I met him at 46 and he had just turned 47. I met him after making horrible choices in partners and he was the best. He actually looked out for me in ways no other man had. I am going to really miss that...this just hurts all day and all night. I can tear up at the drop of a hat. And then, life just goes on around me as though nothing ever happened. How does one deal with that? People living, laughing, loving and my world has been destroyed.

[kayc]

wmj,

I am so sorry, that seems so unfair, to finally find the love of your life, and for him to finally get to retire and hope for the future to be bright, just to have it cut short. It's just unfair.

(((hugs)))

[wmjsca]

Thank you Cheryl, for I can relate to being unprepared for his death. It is good to know there is hope and since I'm a realist, I do believe that, it just hurts so bad right now. And I went through months of hell trying to get him to go to the doctor, he kept refusing. He finally went and they basically gave him a clean bill of health in August. He was back in September, twice, because the symptoms continued. Again nothing was found. I started thinking I was crazy, if it hadn't been for his physical appearance, I guess no one would have believed me. He finally got so weak by the middle of October that he couldn't walk and went to the hospital, but by then it was too late. I thought it was depression and he was just refusing to deal with it. I was way off the mark. I could have used those last months being more kind to him rather than the frustration I experienced because of what I thought was his non-cooperation (he finally relented and agreed to a biopsy)...anyway I guess I could rehash it over and over, but the results would be the same. I do believe it will get better in time, I suppose I'm kind of weary emotionally and didn't expect him to never return home. I thought he'd be treated, convalesce and we'd go on as before. I was so wrong. So very wrong.