Weird Feelings

[karebare725]

During the day, I can keep myself busy and not think about what has happened a week ago. His service was this past Saturday and was surreal and hard to go through. Since then, I feel at a peace at times, and other times I get crazy emotional. I am on edge, easily upset and short tempered with my daughter. For some reason I cannot go to sleep at night. I am tired but have no desire to sleep. Right now my eyes are burning but I am scared to sleep. I am afraid to be alone still, and kind of have no ambition to do anything. I need to snap out of this daze because shopping has become a crutch, and I shop for dumb things I dont need. I cannot use our bedroom, its not comfortable for me yet, and I cannot bring myself to use it. When I am okay, like talking or laughing with a friend or watching TV, I consequently feel guilty for not crying all the time. Like I dont really miss him. I have to collect his a shes from the funeral home tomorrow, but I am absolutely petrified to get them. I dont think I even want to see them.(his wishes were to have them spread) I am still misearable with out him and I feel guilty all the time for going on and doing everyday things, like I am not respecting him. Also I am worried everytime my daughter gets hurt or goes to sleep, like something bad will happen to her because I didnt do enough.(which is how I feel about my husband)UGH!

[wmjsca]

Hi Karebare,

My fiance's funeral is Thursday and the closer I get to that day, the more I dread seeing him in that box, on display, for all to see. Where was the crowd when I was trying to convince him to get to the doctor? I felt so alone these past months because he really wasn't himself but was trying to be 'normal' when things were anything but. I find myself walking through the house, sometimes wondering why I got up and what I'm even doing. Life seems so pointless now. Don't feel guilty about not crying all the time, I do cry all the time. We go through this thing differently. I tried going to class, just to keep my mind occupied and it was as though the world was moving around me, but I was stuck in some kind of 'other reality'. I can't focus for long periods even when I try really hard. I'll try to return to school next week, but for now, I'm just going through the motions of life. People say it's like a 'break up'...no this is much worse...I'll never again see his face or hear him call my name...

[nats]

Karebare,

Beleive me when I tell you things will get better.....concerning his ashes keep an open mind, I find great comfort in having Ruth's here at home with me, I can touch her and I even hug her Urn when having a rough day, Ruth also wanted to be scattered, but I told her I wanted her with me and the pups at home because if scattered I would truely feel she was gone, she told me it was my decision and aggreed with whatever made me feel comfortable.....I'm so thankful I chose to keep them....concerning the bedroom, I had the same issues, here's what I did, a complete makeover of bed linens and simple decor, painted the master bath as that was her's, I've now made it mine, I have a picture of us on the dresser and I am now sleeping in the room after 4 months on the sofa (did makeover in June), they are with us daily just not in the physical sense keep an open mind, talk to him and ask for him to find you and he will...the encounters I have with my wife are a powerful reminder she is still very much alive, only now she's an Angel....I rarely recommend movies but take some time with a friend a see "HereAfter" it will give you a new outlook...and remember God will comfort you just ask and be open.....

God Bless You

NATS

[Queeniemary]

Karebare and wmjsca, I am so very sorry for your losses, both of you. You are at that horrible, in shock stage that will last for a while. My husband died suddenly on Jan 13th. I do understand how you are grieving. In reading both of your posts, my heart just reaches out to you. Decisions are very hard for you both right now. I, as did Nats, redecorated the bedroom before I could sleep there. New bed, different direction, etc. Just could not lay down in the bed we used together. Also have Michael's ashes here at home. Karebare, I was not sure how I would feel. My friend who worked at the funeral home called me and ask if I was ready for Michael to come home. He brought him to me, and my first thought, was, are you sure this is Mike, he was such a large man, and that is such a small box. Most of his ashes are in a Arizona Red Rock Urn, and the rest are waiting for me to be ready to scatter them. I am not ready yet. Let me assure you of something, as horrible, and neverending the grief seems right now, you will slowly get better. You won't forget, and it will not be easy. This site is a good place to come, just to say what you need to say, and let us try in our own way to comfort you. This is a terrible road that none of us wanted to travel, but we are on this path, we are at different places on this road, but we all understand your grief and pain. Praying for you and all of us on this journey.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[kayc]

As I read your post, I thought, "Yep, that about describes it! Yep, I remember that..." In other words, everything you are going through is normal. Your emotions go all over the place...numb, shock, crying, peaceful, desperate, guilt, you name it. Your grief is so fresh. Please don't worry about what you do or don't feel, believe me, before this is over, you'll have experienced it all. And above all, don't allow yourself to feel guilty for even one second, if you aren't experiencing current pain, panic, etc., enjoy it, because it's subject to change at any given moment. Just remember we're here, we've been through it, you aren't alone, not with any of this.

You might want to slow down the shopping though...a dangerous crutch...if you get tempted to shop to make yourself feel better, watch Hoarders on t.v., it'll cure you. It's made me want to throw things away!