Just The 'fiance'

[wmjsca]

I was just his fiance. I wasn't related, although I shared the intimate relationship with him. His children, his mom and his siblings are all connected and I'm the 'odd woman out' so to speak. I may have loved him, but I really have no place, even though my heart is broken too. The family began this process including me, but have somehow distanced themselves. I feel totally alone and I really thought they would be there for me. Maybe it's because we were only together six years, I don't know. I used to tell him that without marriage, the woman gets no respect. All I have now are memories of our love without any genuine recognition. This only adds insult to injury. I am hurt and angry at the same time.

[LostmyHoney]

I am so sorry, I know how you feel about the fiance part. The hospital wanted my Honeys sisters to sign everything, the funeral home wouldnt do a cremation without consent from his only daughter. I couldnt get him to reconect with his daughter because he wanted her to remeber him as a younger heathy man not a sick man like he was. It was hard calling her to tell her, her daddy had died, when she didnt know me at all. I had answered the phone 1 time when she called, and that was all she knew. When I spent all that time at the hospital with his sister I found out he had asked her to get in touch with his daughter, but they couldnt find her. I really wish I had known because it took me all of 5 min to find her in an online phone book. I am so sorry you feel distanced from his family, that must be tough especialy now. Ill say a prayer for you !

God bless us all !

Rachel

[wmjsca]

Thank you Rachel and I'm really relieved you understand. There wasn't time for us to even plan a wedding, he was always dragging his feet about it. The real irony is that even though I wasn't his wife, all the 'real' relatives kept asking me everything. It was just so aggravating. They may as well have let me become the power of attorney. That was left to his sister. There was information kept from me, crucial to our lives together. How dare they keep information from me? I deserved to know at the exact time they knew of any specific finding. It's water under the bridge now, but this has been a horrible experience and I had no power at all. But I was the one who lived with him and knew him in ways which were relevant to the medical team. I mean his 'real' family may have done more harm than good by being secretive and selfish.

I guess I could go on and on. But thank you for understanding.

[kayc]

Just a fiance?

To me being a fiance is the next thing to being a wife. It is a commitment, it is a plan, it IS family. That's why it hurt so bad when my fiance broke up with me in August. I'm still having a hard time dealing with it. It's not about the trappings, it's about being family, loving, caring, commitment. How can his family take that away from you? They can't. YOU were the most important thing to him! You are who he would have spent his life with, if only he'd had a choice. Don't let them touch your memories, your heart, your commitment to each other, they belong to YOU!

[MartyT]

Dear One ~ Always remember: The love you had with this man is yours, and you get to keep that, always and forever. You may find this article helpful: Coping with Hidden Sorrow ♥

[wmjsca]

MartyT

Thank you for the "Coping with Hidden Sorrow" link. It was right on point. I was the one living with him from day to day and dealing with his last few months of illness, although I had no idea it was terminal. I didn't realize that they were his last days and I didn't know it until his hospitalization. I got so angry with him because I thought he was just refusing treatment, which he was, but if I had only known how sick he really was I could have been less impatient with him. I thought by being tough on what I thought was stubbornness would get him to go to the doctor, and he finally did, but it was just too late. The doctors kept turning to me for answers, as was the family, yet I was the one on the outside. I cared for him, but when he was in the hospital, his sister and brother kept vital information from me. They knew before I did that my fiance was gravely ill. His family has included me in the funeral planning, however the last few days they have been more distant. On the last day he was conscious, I apologized to him for my frustration with him while he was home. I hope he understood that my love for him is what kept me pleading for him to seek medical treatment. I believe he forgave me. I loved him as no other and I just am crushed that I'll never see him again.

[kayc]

I'm sure he understood that. He knew you well enough to choose your for his life partner, and I'm sure he knew your motivation. Be easy on yourself, you've been through a lot. Care about yourself as he would.

[nirac]

I feel ur pain so much. I was his fiancee for a year,then he got sick. we were going to be married in the hospital but he took a turn and died the day before.I waS included in everything,I had power of attorney, I was the sole benificiary. Everything was fine. He wanted me to have custody of his children, thier mother was barely in the picture.His mother aggreeed with this at the time.we were living with her when he passed. Howevr things went bad, her boyfriend moved back in, its was just a strained situaion, the children did not want to be there, so we moved, she was not happy about it, siad she didnt know me, I wasnt the right choice, he wasnt going to marry me, it was just a friendship ring. Well I no longer speak to her. When we went to order the headstone,it was to say beloved father and son. well wait a minute I will be on there, just because I dont have a piece of paper stating that I share his last name does not mean I am any less important than the mother.Fiancee is just a word just like husband!! dont let his family bring u down!u are the most important person, u shared an intimate life. u woke up with him every morning, went to sleep every night...screw them!!!!

[wmjsca]

Thanks Nirac:

The funeral was a fiasco. His sister stood at the head of his casket, right in front of me, kept pointing at me and talking to the casket, telling my fiance I didn't love him. She kept on and on throughout the ceremony. She then got the microphone and announced that my fiance's only REAL relatives were his kids and their mother, his ex, who really did love him. I could not believe she actually used his funeral as a platform to spew her hatred.

The real issue is that when I called her, weeks before he died, I was seeking her help with HER litte brother since he was refusing to go to the doctor. Yes, I threatened to make him leave if he wouldn't get help because I could not continue watching him get worse. I felt it would force him to go to the doctor AND I thought his brothers and sisters could convince him where I had been unsuccessful.

She then goes back and tells everyone that I didn't care about her brother and was ready to kick him out! I think she's feeling guilty (as are other family members) because they wouldn't listen to me. It wasn't until he was on life support that family started becoming involved. And the ex?

She's pissed because when she went to the hospital to see him, he told her he was coming home to me--and my name is listed on the obituary as his fiance. She felt she had some 'right' to him through their common children.

It was just a mess and made an already devastating situation much worse. I did not go to the dinner which followed.

I suppose the healing begins now. I don't plan to involve myself with his family any further.

[nirac]

wmjsca,

I am so sorry u had to endure that. But u need to remember he chose u!!! and ur right now is the time for u to start healing and mourning,and if its without his family then so be it! He is disapointed in his family I am sure of it,but proud of u! u just live for u and keep him alive in ur love for him.Please continue to come to this site, for it has helped me and hopefully will u too.

[wmjsca]

Thanks to everyone who has answered my posts. Today marks the first week of my fiance's death and I am still numb. I do realize life goes on, so I am moving on at what seems a moment at a time. Fall has always been my favorite time of year, but now I have this horrible anniversary to remember. I hope it doesn't cause me to dread it now. I am not looking forward to the holidays, and they are fast approaching. It would be nice to have more healing time first.

[kayc]

WMJ,

You can skip the holidays this year if you want to. A lot of us have felt that way.

His sister sounds very unbalanced. It was very wrong of her to use his funeral for her own personal agenda and get on her soapbox. That was neither the time nor the place for her to vent or even state her views. I would stay clear of his family altogether, but that's just me, you need to decide what's best for you. Hugs to you though, we're sorry!

[wmjsca]

Kayc:

I have already decided to remain clear of his family. I really only dealt with them because of him anyway. The siblings are feeling guilty and trying to make me their scapegoat; also they are vultures, waiting for the estate to settle. I have no further interest in dealing with them--it's just that one of his sisters and one brother were there for me. But since blood IS thicker than water, I'm keeping my distance. Thanks.

[Korina]

Wow - it amazes me how people can act. In my charitable frame of mind, I will say that grief really does strange things. Perhaps they feel guilty because they didn't do more when he was alive? Never forget that you were the person who was there and that you had a life commitment, papers or not.

Anyhow, it is probably a good idea to give the family space, and not to waste any bad feelings on them. However, I always (almost...) have the philosophy of not burning any bridges, so perhaps keep the door unlocked to future conversations and relationships.

Korina

[wmjsca]

Wow - it amazes me how people can act. In my charitable frame of mind, I will say that grief really does strange things. Perhaps they feel guilty because they didn't do more when he was alive? Never forget that you were the person who was there and that you had a life commitment, papers or not.

Anyhow, it is probably a good idea to give the family space, and not to waste any bad feelings on them. However, I always (almost...) have the philosophy of not burning any bridges, so perhaps keep the door unlocked to future conversations and relationships.

Korina

I haven't closed the door, but I am wary of some of his family members. Some of them have ulterior motives and cannot be trusted. I grew up not trusting adults, which is why I miss Clint so much. He was a real person and not at all pretentious. I finally found someone I could depend on, who loved me for who I am, and he's gone. Some of the family members are merely waiting for their 'inheritance', period. It's just a shame. I am alone in the world, once again. I miss my lover and my friend.

[sunstreet]

I am sorry you are not feeling recognized in your pain. I urge you to believe that you alone shared love with this man and no-one can take that away. I recognize and validate your pain. Shame on those around you who are complicating your grief, as it is hard enough to grieve. I too share in having my loss not recognized readily being lesbian, not the same reason as yours but how it complicates our healing process is similar.

Courage to you.

Blessings, Carol Ann

[kayc]

I would give it time. With time you can forgive them and heal from the hurts they've directed towards you, but right now, don't waste your time and energy giving thought to them. Let them deal with their grief in their own way, by themselves, you have enough to deal with. (((hugs)))