Why Do I Panic?

[melina]

It's three months now since I lost the love of my life for nearly 30 years, and things feel very strange. For a while I really felt I was making progress, and figured at three months I'd be doing pretty good. But now I find I'm having those sobbing sessions in the mornings again, and I get panic attacks in the evenings.

When these attacks hit I feel terribly alone and vulnerable and life feels wrong. I want so badly to just talk to my husband - just for an hour, just to calm down and feel secure - just hear his voice and feel his arms around me for a few moments. It's as though life is no longer safe - everything is unstable. So how can I take care of my 19 year old who is still at home? How can I be there for my other adult kids and grandkids when they come along? I keep thinking about all the regular stuff we used to do. Nothing is normal now. If I ever meet someone else - they won't feel the same way about my kids as I do - as my husband did. We won't be a "clan" any longer. All our rituals will be different. And I will always compare anyone new to my husband.

Seriously - if it weren't for my children, I think I would consider ending my life. The pain and fear are so immense. I know I can't leave my kids, but how can I get through this? Has anyone had these problems at three months and managed to feel better later on? I'm just wondering how claw my way through the grief.

Any and all encouragement greatly appreciated.

Melina

[kayc]

Oh Melina, yes we've felt that way, yes we still feel that way somewhat at times...most of those who have been at this longer no longer post, they feel what is the use? Nothing changes and all our languishing doesn't alter a thing. Yet to be honest, I think most of them would tell you, yes they still feel that way. Yet here we are still, we've somehow passed through this time. Some people have gone on to rebuild their life...I think of Gail who is soon to be married and looks truly happy. I think of others who seems to be just existing, passing time. And that's where I feel my life is stuck. It's as if at the end of a day I can check off one more day, one more day down, how many more to go? Do some of you older vets feel like this too?

[Lindakay]

Melina, Why do any of us have irrational fears. I always felt safe. Snuggling under clean sheets next to my loving husband. He was my knight he could make me feel safe. He would laugh when there was tornado warnings and I'd go to bed dressed in jogging pants and clothes as in not night clothes. All because my mom told us as a child one of her clients survived a tornado but was stark naked in the middle of the mobile home park. It hit at night and mom was her insurance agent. So I wore clothes at night when it was bad weather. Why since he died do I prefer to sleep on top of all covers with a throw? I used to take a nap on rainy days and loved throwing a throw over us. I still change perfectly clean sheets as if I sleep on them. I rarely wear a nightie. Going back to jogging clothes. The mind is weird.

Accept that things are different for now. I have a safe neighborhood and home. Two dogs and a gun beside the bed in a drawer. Why do I feel I was safer just because he was beside me? I killed my first poisonous snake in the back yard since he died. He always did that and I was a wussy about snakes. You can do what you have to when needed. Relax Meina and try to calm yourself. I actually heard his voice when the snake thing happened. I was thinking gun? shovel? It was him saying shovel/ now /quick/ kill it. I did what he would have done.LindaKay

[Lostdaughter]

Melina,

I think what you are feeling is perfectly normal at this point in time. As someone who has been alone most of her life, I don't know what it would be like to have someone with me constantly and then gone. Very hard, I imagine.

As to forums, I've been on many and often people come and go for no reason at all or reasons we never know about. I can share in my limited experience that I attended a grief group for people in their first year and people further on in the process split off and formed their own group. I've seen some of them and they were smiling and laughing - but not the people in the early grief group. Where I live, there are social functions for those who have lost their SOs so I know people do move on and do find happiness again. One such group is for people past the first year. I only share this as I belief grieving is a process and not a static state, even though at times it may feel like two steps forward five steps back or simply just being stuck.

Also, it's hard to gauge what is going on and especially in a bereavement forum where often it takes a LOT of energy to post anything at all. Too, there is always the very real possibility that people heal and just move on and don't post in a bereavement forum when feeling better.

Please don't be too tough on yourself and sometimes it's an hour at a time.

LD

[LarrysGirl]

I understand the panic totally. I felt safe in the world for the first time in my life when I met Larry. Its usually when I'm alone, I feel like there is no one on the earth who even realizes I'm alive. Its not easy. I'm coming up on the 5 year anniverary. As Kay puts it, I'm one of the old timers, meaning we have been here a long time compared to the new members. I still get after shocks, waking after dreaming of him and still expecting him to be here. Yes, the crushing pain is not constant but life without him will never be the same. Deborah

[Sal]

Hi Melina,

It will be one month on Sunday for me and I have been visiting with my son, daughter-in-law and grandchildren 3 years and 15 months for the past week. I felt there would never be a moment when I would feel any happiness or joy ever again. However, when I see my grandchildren's smiles and happiness that gramma is playing with them I do feel joy. No it doesn't last like it would have before my husband died but it is still there. Hang in there, you are going to have moments of joy again when you get those grandbabies to hold. Yes it will be bittersweet because your husband won't be there but sweet none the less. Besides their parents, you as gramma are going to be the next most important person in their world. They need to know you. The three year old is my grandson and when he asked about papa and was told that papa was in heaven and was an angel, his eyes grew huge with amazement and he was so excited because he knew that papa was on the moon and that was a pretty neat place to be. My husband would have laughed and laughed about that comment. For me, I just keep telling myself that because he had cancer something far worse than death was coming. I wouldn't have been able to watch him in pain and suffering. His worst fear was that he would become an invalid and that didn't happen and he was never in pain. As one of my close friends who is a breast cancer survivor said, It was the worst thing for you and the family but perhaps the best for my husband. I am sending title of that book because not sure if you got my message. It is Widow to Widow, author Genevieve Davis Ginsburg. I think of you often Melina and just know that we will get thru this somehow, someway. One of my friends just recently told me she has never known anyone who loved each other as much as my husband and I did, that we had such a special bond and it just always showed. I just keep hanging on to that because so many people never make 30 years or 41 years together. Hopefully you can find some comfort in that. Take care of yourself.

Sally

[Cheryl]

Melina,

I also felt like ending my life at three months. I searched the internet for a plan. I spent a lot of time looking for a way that wouldn't be too painful or messy. While watching a reality show the police talked about the persons death being a suicide and shared the details of how she did it. I was watching with my two kids and suddenly I knew it could be my way out.

I kept the info in the back of my mind, kind of like a safety net. It was a relief in a wierd, twisted way to know that if things really, really got bad I had a plan. I never got closer than finding a plan. I often cry and wish I could be with Mark. I often feel that I want to die and that life is not worthwhile anymore. But I also know that the horrible pain I am often faced with would be passed on too my kids, who are fighting so hard to start a new life without their dad. Can you even imagine losing both parents? There grief would be magnified. They need me even if I didn't want to believe it. I no longer think of dieing as an option.

The reason I wanted to die was because I wanted the pain to end. I just wanted relief and I didn't know how to stop the pain. I was worn out by grief, I was alone because of death. Learning to cope with the pain and lonliness is so very, very hard. Try not to worry about what the future holds. It is too soon to picture your future. I found concentrating on just that day or week helped me be less anxious. As you get used to a new routine, it will get easier. It's been a year now and I can enjoy things again. I even have fun! I never thought it woud happen. I never pictured it happening. But it has. As each week rolls by the evolution of my progress is more clear.

My 7th grade son brought home a paper titled My Mission Statement for My Life. He listed the type of person he wanted to become and the way he wanted to help the world. At the end there were a couple of questions the teacher asked him to answer. The first one was, Who is your role model and why? He wrote, My Dad because he was always so nice to everyone and helped everyone. The second question was, Who do you want to thank in your life and why? He wrote My Mom, because she is a really nice person and without her I would probably go insane. It hit me really hard. Without me he thought he would go insane. This sweet 13 year old boy grieves everyday and rarely shows it. He doesn't want to make it worse for me. I often think he has moved on and is no longer hurting. He worries that he might go insane. He recently told me that he was worried something was going to happen to me and he would be an orphan. I of course reassured him that he would always have family and that I was going to be around a long time. Under my breath I was thinking, just my luck I'll live to be 110.

Melina, your thoughts are normal. It is far better to face our fears, our pain and our twisted thoughts. By facing them we learn to find the answers and we work through the pain. Hang in there!

Cheryl

[melina]

Thanks Cheryl, it helps to know you've had these thoughts and your perspectives on them. I know I couldn't leave my kids on purpose, but it's true that in some weird way - it helps to have a secret "way out" plan. It helps to cope with the grief and loneliness which has me trapped.

But knowing that you're able to have fun and that you enjoy things again really, really helps. I wish there was some specific date someone could give me, telling me that on THAT day you'll be feeling better and enjoying life. My grief counselor tells me that I will feel better, in time. I keep asking her "When?", but she can't answer that. It depends on the person.

[melina]

Sally,

I ordered the book Widow to Widow and it arrived today, so hopefully it will give me some comfort. Thanks for the idea and for the encouraging words.

Melina

[melina]

Thanks everyone for your encouragement and comforting words.

Melina

[sunstreet]

Melina,

I totally understand the panic attacks in the evening. I too experienced at the stage you are at now. I can tell you that over time, the panic lessened, and I am not shy to do whatever I need to do to feel safe and secure at night. Melina, I understand that feeling of wanting to end your life, I too felt that for a long time after Melissa suicided. I wanted to join her so badly. This a feeling state Melina, and we don't have to act on it. I think it wise to talk about it. I lost Melissa, my sister and my brother to suicide. I know how suicide affects those left behind. In all honesty, when I read your post and some of the replies, my heart started pounding, thinking on Melissa's choice. I am so glad that you all are expressing these feelings. I can tell you that I no longer hold onto suicide as a final excape plan, but I did have that thought in the back of my mind for quite some time.

I know the longing you feel to be held again, to hear his voice again. This so utterly painful and normal to feel this way Melina. It is a process, it takes time, whatever time we need.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[Korina]

Melina:

While I never exactly had panic attacks, I do remember the specific moment when I really truly didn't care whether I lived or died. Thankfully, I no longer feel that way, and I have in a different way, embraced life again, albeit without my soulmate. In those early months, it was more of a dull, unending ache, interrupted by waves of uncontrollable weeping, but also with smiles and laughs at seeing out daughter progress. I still don't know how it is possible to be so terribly sad and alone, yet so full of love and pride and joy in our daughter, all at the same time.

Korina

[LostmyHoney]

I still don't know how it is possible to be so terribly sad and alone, yet so full of love and pride and joy in our daughter, all at the same time.

Very well put Korina, Yet another of God's mysteries!

Rachel