Not "over It" Not "ok Now"

[missyme]

My brother, John, has been gone 10 months tomorrow. I feel like I am still not myself. I am still so sad and I miss my brother so much. My brother died of a drug overdose. I am tempted lately to get in touch with some of his friends and even his doctor (they were prescription drugs) to find out what they knew and how they contributed to his death. I know this is not going to solve anything and he did take the drugs that took his life but I'm just so lost.

I spoke to my brother within the last 12 hours of his life...did he know he was going to die? Did he do this on purpose. Was he scared. Did it hurt? I have too many questions and no real answers.

I feel like those close to me think I must be "over it" and "ok" now...nobody even brings up my brother anymore. I miss him and I hate this and I keep thinking why why why why why why why why

[elb]

I have all the same questions-- I worry my brother was scared and alone and I hope that he never once questioned that he had people who loved him, but all I can think of is that he was frightened.

[colonel0404]

I know what your thinking. It's only been a year since my sister died and you would think everyone at work forgot. People don't know unless they have been through it. I work in the x ray department in a hospital. They are very good people. Yet they think it's over, the pain. You went through a much more painful situation than me. You have the why??? If you dwell in the why it might destroy you and i don't want that to happen to you. Just honor his life. If he did it on purpose or just had a over dose it doesn't matter. Don't get caught up in that. It will eat you up if you don't know. Hang in there, please. I want you around for years to come. Live it the best you can.

[waltermeyer]

Dont ever let someone influence how you deal with your personal tragedy. Its all different and your brothers memory will be with you forever. I have lost some very close people to me, and just 4 months ago got what feels right now like the most devastating so far. I have talked to people who have been through less, and people who have been through more. How long it has your spun out and otherwise is all relative. Ive talked to people who were in terrible accidents and been the sole survivor out of their whole family. Wife, kids, gone. They have to pick up the pieces and try to go on with life. I cant even fathom that. But the person is doing well. There is no wrong or right way to handle losing a loved one. Just take care of yourself. If you do nothing else, try to eat good, excercise, what ever you can do. And when your ready. But dont wait to long. I will go run my dog with headphones on and just totally weep the whole time. Ive been in some stage of mourning for the last 25 years for one thing or another. And just got another dropped on me 4 months ago like I said. Not everyone gets it. And thats not their fault. Thats why we come here. How you or anyone else deals with loss of a loved one has nothing to do with weather they were a friend, sibling, father, mother, grandparent, aunt, uncle, nephew, niece. None of that means s***. Its the place they had in your heart. I have had my share of loss over the years, and over my father, grandfather, uncle, other friends, 15 year marriage end in an affair and divorce. But a friend, dont get me wrong he was someone I considered a brother. I was best friends with him for almost 30 years. My profile about me lets you know what he was to me. But his loss is the most devistating loss I feel like I have ever been through. So there is no book on whats supposed to be and what you should feel, and for how long. They have generalizations and averages documented, but theyre just tools for the average difficult loss. But you cant listen to someone who thinks you should be feeling better. They mean well, but really dont understand fully. And thats not their fault. But take it one day at a time and dont feel like your going to feel better on a certain date. It will be with you for life. Dont be closed minded to everything people try to tell you. But dont expect everyone to get it either. Pick and choose what makes sense to you. And put it alll together. There are no absolutes in life I believe. Black, white. The answer to me at least has always fallen in the grey. It does get better. It wont feel this way forever. You will never forget. But life goes on. Like it or not. And the better you address things, the sooner you will learn a little bit about yourself that you never knew before. At least thats my experience. Im no therapist. Everyone, and I mean everyone, will handle each of their situations differently. Like I said there is no wrong or right way to feel. It comes natural. And let it. keep in touch here. It does make you feel even just a little better to get some of this off your heart. Its hard to get out. I usually cant make it through a post with out crying, but after, there is the feeling of a little bit of the weight being lifted. Even if its just temporary. Be good to yourself and dont try to "get over it". It doesnt go anywhere. So its essential that you address the issues. Either with therapy, journaling, posting here, or if you have someone you can trust then talk to them. Whatever works for you. Whatever you do, dont cork the bottle. When you cork it, its always gonna be there. Face your issues on your own time and terms. But dont bottle it up. Its a lifelong journey. And in time you will understand a little more, if not about your brothers death and coming to terms with it, but at least about yourself and how the tragedy shaped who you are and how you live the rest of your life. Be good and God bless.

[waltermeyer]

I know what your thinking. It's only been a year since my sister died and you would think everyone at work forgot. People don't know unless they have been through it. I work in the x ray department in a hospital. They are very good people. Yet they think it's over, the pain. You went through a much more painful situation than me. You have the why??? If you dwell in the why it might destroy you and i don't want that to happen to you. Just honor his life. If he did it on purpose or just had a over dose it doesn't matter. Don't get caught up in that. It will eat you up if you don't know. Hang in there, please. I want you around for years to come. Live it the best you can.

That is a whole other part of the issues that build this mountain to climb. I spent 54 days in the hospital. 23 days in a level one trauma center, and 31 in ICU. You start to feel like you could be a dr. You know all the routines, what kind of infections they could run into, maintaining body temp. That goes along with the infections. The x rays, breathing equipment, what meds they are treating him with and how often, and many many things that go along with a long hospital stay. I took a leave from work and spent on average 16 hrs a day there. And thats a 54 day average. There were many 18-20 hr days and some 10, and the all nighters. Had a lot of them. I always knew it was time to go home and get some rest when I started seeing things. Shadows and things out of the corner of my eyes. Weird lights. But I would go home, sleep, shower, change, and back to the hospital. And there were some wonderful people there. To some he was a number. But we knew the ones who cared. He was in for so long and was making such progress, the nurses and some dr's were blown away that he had passed. We actually had nurses who worked with him in Trauma for the 23 days he was there, come into his room after he had coded and was on life support, in shock, actually shed tears and try to comfort us. Hug us. They didnt have to do that. It was probably their break. But it was very nice to see that there are people there who actually remember, and cared as they cared for him. Anyway, we lived out of the vending machines and the UMC Bistro. LOL! Sounds alright huh? Its really not. But the kinda weird thing to me, is now, if I drive by it I almost automatically turn in. That can be understandable. But I find myself wanting to go there and just park where I used to park, go in, hang out like I did for so long. I guess its just the last place I saw Ryan and for so long and intense for a hospital stay. Ive never missed someone so much. Well I know Im kinda off subject sorry. But that just reminded me of the hospital stay experience. Obviously they didnt feel our personal feelings but for what they do every day of their life, it was refreshing to see that not everyone there treated him like a number.

[suzie816]

I loss my son to drug abuse, not an overdose, but the drugs killed him. I also wonder what he went through before he passed. I talked to his friends, looked through his phone activity, and nothing brought me peace. My husband, and three other children, also ask the same questions. Unfortunately in this life we will never know. I only started to believe we will one day be together and know all the answers. It's the only thing that makes me wake up every day and try to function. I'm so very sorry we are in the same boat. But lets hope to sail away into brighter days. Please know you are not alone.

[baginie]

I know what your thinking. It's only been a year since my sister died and you would think everyone at work forgot. People don't know unless they have been through it. I work in the x ray department in a hospital. They are very good people. Yet they think it's over, the pain. You went through a much more painful situation than me. You have the why??? If you dwell in the why it might destroy you and i don't want that to happen to you. Just honor his life. If he did it on purpose or just had a over dose it doesn't matter. Don't get caught up in that. It will eat you up if you don't know. Hang in there, please. I want you around for years to come. Live it the best you can.

I lost my brother 2 months ago and cannot stop crying. I miss him so much. He was such a dynamic person. Why did he have to go? I too work in a hospital. I am a nurse and everyone thinks I should be "over this" by now. But I'm not. I loved my brother so much. My son is so much like him. I hate cancer and I hate the treatment for cancer. I even went and got checked to see if I have cancer. I lost my husband 19 years ago to cancer and now my brother. My husband was only 40 when he died and my brother only 55. Too young to be dying. The doctors want me in grief counseling. I think I probably better go because watching my brother die was like watching my husband die again and I loved both of them so much. My bother's death has been devastating to me. He and I were close growing up. He is the third brother I have lost now. We were 7. 5 boys and 2 girls. now we are 4. All of my brothers have died before the age of 60. It is like there is a curse on the family. Oh I miss him so much. I have to go to work and put it out of my mind and counsel others on their grieving. This can be very difficult without breaking down myself. But I do understand where they are coming from. It hurts so bad to loose someone you love so much. It breaks my heart.

[MartyT]

Dear baginie,

I'm so sorry that you've experienced the death of your husband and more recently the death of your brother, both from cancer, and I cannot imagine how painful this must be for you.

I am struck by your comment that you are a nurse who works in a hospital and "the doctors want me in grief counseling." You don't say whether you intend to follow through with that recommendation, but I hope for your sake (and for that of your patients) you will seriously consider it. You are worth it, and you certainly do deserve it, especially when your work requires you to "be there" for so many others who are in pain.

You might be interested in reading a piece I wrote for Open to Hope, When the Griever Is a Health Care Professional ~ especially this part:

. . . I am reminded of something I read in a beautiful book by Nina Bennett, herself a health care professional whose granddaughter was stillborn. On page 55, Nina shares the comforting words she received in an e-mail message from one of her dearest friends, a hospice social worker:

Just remember that although you're strong, you are also human. And just because you're strong, it doesn't give you supernatural powers to avoid very real, very human feelings. You are allowed to feel this way. It doesn't mean that you are weak. It means that you are feeling the feelings of a grandmother who just suffered one of the most terrible things that a grandparent can go through. So allow yourself to be okay with feeling this way. Because these feelings are tough enough, without beating yourself up on top of it. — Nina Bennett, in Forgotten Tears: A Grandmother's Journey through Grief

So often we health care professionals (and most especially, we nurses!) believe that we "should" know what to do in every crisis or emergency situation, not only for our clients and patients but for ourselves as well. We hold such unrealistically high expectations of ourselves, don't we?

[Kimmer20]

I have this exact same feeling...people have expected me to be over losing my little sister since I came back to school almost. They want it to be done and over because I was like the "mom" of our group that I hang out with. It's a new semester which has opened a whole new can of "I'm not over it" since my professors may or may not know.

I do wonder if she was scared, if she was hurting, if she felt alone, if she suffered, if she waited for help to get there. I hope she wasn't scared and I can assume she didn't hurt too bad because when we got her jeans and hoodie back they didn't have blood stains. Of course we didn't get her t-shirt back either and I know she had to have one on. I wonder what happened and how it happened so often.

I guess I know that at 11 months I still won't be over it and that's okay. I don't know how to get over this. It isn't like I feel down and it will heal in a few weeks.

[niamh]

I loss my son to drug abuse, not an overdose, but the drugs killed him. I also wonder what he went through before he passed. I talked to his friends, looked through his phone activity, and nothing brought me peace. My husband, and three other children, also ask the same questions. Unfortunately in this life we will never know. I only started to believe we will one day be together and know all the answers. It's the only thing that makes me wake up every day and try to function. I'm so very sorry we are in the same boat. But lets hope to sail away into brighter days. Please know you are not alone.

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son Suzie.I too have so many questions since losing my Dad....many are related to his last hours,mins,seconds but also the bigger questions about life itself.altho I go back and forth with my faith,belief in the afterlife I think deep down some part of me does believe or hope that one day I will get all the answers.my Dad and I used to have great chats about all that stuff,now sometimes i feel jealous of him,telling him it's not fair that he knows it all now and I still don't,he has the answers,he knows what it's all about but yet he can't come have a chat with me about it.

I try to hold onto the hope of seeing him again and having one heck of a catch up chat.

[niamh]

I have this exact same feeling...people have expected me to be over losing my little sister since I came back to school almost. They want it to be done and over because I was like the "mom" of our group that I hang out with. It's a new semester which has opened a whole new can of "I'm not over it" since my professors may or may not know.

I do wonder if she was scared, if she was hurting, if she felt alone, if she suffered, if she waited for help to get there. I hope she wasn't scared and I can assume she didn't hurt too bad because when we got her jeans and hoodie back they didn't have blood stains. Of course we didn't get her t-shirt back either and I know she had to have one on. I wonder what happened and how it happened so often.

I guess I know that at 11 months I still won't be over it and that's okay. I don't know how to get over this. It isn't like I feel down and it will heal in a few weeks.

I'm sorry for the loss of your darling sister Kimmer.those questions are pretty horrible aren't they,I hate the thought of my Dad being scared because he wasn't prepared,this wasn't supposed to happen.

I don't think we ever really get over this,I think we just learn to live with it as best we can,it's not just a bad week/year that will pass and we'll be done with it like other things in life we can get over.this is a life changing trauma. I'm sorry people have expectations of you,just remember this is your grief,your pain and nobody elses and however you are dealing with it,however you feel is ok. Nobody else has walked in your shoes and nobody has the right to expect you to be a certain way.

I worry sometimes with work because now I look ok on the outside most of the time,but that doesn't mean the old me is back and I'm functioning just like I did before, I'm doing the best I can but yep sometimes I want to just tell people I'm NOT OK,just be because you no longer see me falling apart doesn't mean it's all good now. It's not an excuse,sometimes i wonder if people think it is,it's just my reality now so I just tell myself that people can expect what they want but I'm doing this on my terms,my way and until someone has walked in my shoes (which they never will :-)),they don't have a right to have specific expectations.

So just be kind and gentle with yourself and if possible at all ignore those that you feel pressure from

hugs to you.