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I Keep Flashing On The Death Process


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After a week of a "death coma", my Mother died. I don't want to share the horrible details...those who have gone through it and experienced it first hand know.

She was delirious at times and said some really sad and frighting things. She called for her mother and told her she was dying - it was just unbearable to hear. She cried out many times, sometimes yelling and sobbing.

There was more...nearing the end, within hours, there are alot of really horrible things the body goes through.

These things keep flashing through my mind. I hate that I keep seeing her that way. She didn't suffer, Hospice took care of that. But still I see her going through all that. I guess this is just something a caregiver has to deal with, huh?

If anyone wants to share their experience or has ideas of ways to shove this out of my mind I would greatly appreciate it.

thank you,

Charlotte

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Dear Charlotte,

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through, and for the loss of your precious Mom. I wanted to tell you that I am going through the exact same thing. My Dad was in a coma for a week at Christmas time last year, and we had to disconnect him from life support, My Dad was not able to say a word or move at all , but sometimes when the nurses moved him he had a horrible look of pain on his face. I still see everything so clearly in my head, I wish there were some way to erase these awful, painful memories ? I am going to seek some sort of "hypno-therapy" soon, I am willing to try anything at this point. I sometimes feel like I "can't go on" because it's all too much to handle :closedeyes: I'm going to start some posts about these things this week, I hope that you and I (and others in our situation) can find some answers ?

It's hard enough dealing with the grief and pain of not having them here anymore, and then we have another terrifying issue to deal with. Well, I hope to hear more from you, and I wish you Comfort and Peace.

Love, Jodi

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Dear Charlotte and Jodi,

With intrusive memories such as those you describe (akin to those experienced by those with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder), a number of interesting and effective treatment techniques have been developed in recent years. You may find this post to be of interest ~ and be sure to follow the links embedded there, including the demonstration video: Using Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) in Grief.

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Hello,

Yes I will never ever forget those final days.

I cannot even write about it.

It is like a video playing over and over again in my mind.

It was so horrible, so very very sad.

I try to think of happier times, all those beautiful moments when my mom was alive.

Those should be stronger, what we should try to remember when we think of them.

Impossible to control.

So all I am really saying, it that I understand and share in your grief.

I do not know how to get it out of my head.

It was such a shock on so many levels.

My mother had to die in a hospital, and the doctors and nurses were awful..rude and unhelpful.

It was unbelievable, their behaviour and complete lack of people skills.

The woman who handled my mom's funeral..was like an angel.

I am getting off topic, but, death is bad enough for those that have to live on, especially when memories of harshness and stupidity are involved.

Thank-you for listening to me voice my anger and sadness.

All the best to everyone.

Karen

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Thank you folks for your comments.

People who cannot be compassionate with the terminally ill and the elderly should not be in position to care for them. I sort of compare death to birth. It is an important life processes. I think it should be loved and respected. I mean by "loved" that we should celebrate the life of the person while they are here with us. Remember all the wonderful and happy times you had with them. Share that with them during that time(dying process). I think that's a great way to say goodbye. My Mother and I did that. We laughed and remembered all sorts of events that happened in the family.

It sounds like I'm all well-adjusted and all...NOT! I'm grieving just like everyone else.

Jodi, I'm also sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing.

Marty, thank you for the resources. At this point, sometimes I don't even want to help myself. I want to get better and heal. It's just too much effort. I'm just SO tired.

thank you to all,

Charlotte

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I understand so well what all of you are experiencing. My Father battled Alzheimers and it was the most excruiating paniful journey to witness and to experience. I developed complex post traumatic stress, not only from watching my Father slowly die and expecially the last nine days of his life but from multiple trauma's in my life.

I want to share with you all what has helped me to not have images of my Father's death process keep coming to me in the form of "flashbacks". I searched out and found a wonderful therapist whose area of expertise was post traumatic stress. I have found for myself it has helped me immensely to talk about it in a safe environment. I also find guided imagery an absolute great tool and here is a link to a website that I use www.healthjourneys.com PTSD use to dominate my life, but now I only get the odd flashback to my Father's death process and when I do it doesn't render me dysfunctional any longer.

I am sorry that you all are on this journey. Courage to you all.

Blessings, Carol Ann

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Carol Ann,

Thank you for sharing. It is hard, but in some odd way, I think I owe her that. It's sort of crazy I guess. Maybe it's one of those guilt things mothers seem to dredge up. I feel like she is gone and I should have to suffer for at least a while. Wow...that really does sound crazy now that say it!

Bless your heart Carol Ann for sharing.

fondly,

Charlotte

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Dear Carol Ann,

Thank-you so much for sharing that info ! I do believe that I suffer from PTSD, so I welcome any suggestions for dealing with it ! I'm so glad that it has helped you, I will check out the site that you recommended, and hopefully one day will find a good therapist like you have found ! I always enjoy reading your posts, Thanks for being here ! Love, and Peace to you !

Jodi :)

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Charlotte, you are very welcome. I do not think you are crazy at all. I think you are very normal with the miriad of emotions, behaviors and thoughts that come with the death of someone so significant to our lives. It is like being thrown into a raging sea without a lifejacket and we have to fight and in a way surrender to the pain and just let it out so it can dissipate and integrate into the world as we struggle to find a new way of being in the world.

Jodi, you are very welcome as well. I treasure each and everyone's thoughts here. I truly hope you find a good/ethical therapist to help you with your PTSD. I hope the site I referenced proves helpful to you. If money is an obstacle at all for you. You might want to check out a library in your neighborhood as they may have some cd's there as well. What I can say for sure is that there is hope, albeit at times it seems like nothing other than a little flicker of Light.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

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  • 2 weeks later...

Dear Charlotte and Jodi,

With intrusive memories such as those you describe (akin to those experienced by those with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder), a number of interesting and effective treatment techniques have been developed in recent years. You may find this post to be of interest ~ and be sure to follow the links embedded there, including the demonstration video: Using Emotional Freedom Techniques (EFT) in Grief.

This really, really works. Also, if you are thinking of finding a therapist, try to find a therapist who is trained in EMDR, which is similar to EFT. EFT is easy to learn and you can do this on your own.

These processes do not take away the memories, they take away the emotional charge of what happened so you can begin to heal in a deeper way. They work fast too! Take care!

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Dear Jodi and Charlotte,

I hope you both are finding your way in this journey. I want to share that I have gained enough trust and felt the fear and did it anyways and tried EMDR. I have only had two sessions so far but I am finding it to be good and another tool to use in our healing journey.

I want you both to know I am thinking of you and holding you in prayer as you move through this journey.

Thank you Marty, for the resource. I finally feel that I might really heal from PTSD due to all the loss I have survived.

I have not felt this encouraged for a very long long time, if ever.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

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Dear Sunstreet,

Thank-you , I have actually tried EMDR twice, and I do believe it can work. My problem is the therapist I was seeing was transferred to another state, so I have to find another one that I can trust! Anyways, Thank-you for mentioning this, hopefully there are others on this site that will find it helpful too. I'm always open to ANY suggestions that can be helpful with this pain we are all going through ! :closedeyes:

Take Care, Love and peace to you !

Jodi :)

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Thanks Jodi! I am sorry you are having to search for another therapist and begin to try to develop trust yet again. Keep searching Jodi, and listen to your inner self, and someone doesn't feel like a good fit, you have the right to stop and search for someone else. Perhaps the EMDR institute is a place to search you can find them at www.emdr.com

Take care, love and peace to you too.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

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