Chutes And Ladders

[melina]

Have any of you ever played the board game Chutes and Ladders? That's how I feel this grief thing is. I climb a few steps up the ladder to the next level, feeling better, able to do a few things, then suddenly I'm sent down a chute, two levels below, feeling like crap. And so I have to start the work of climbing again. I'm really tired of this. Emotionally and physically. Waking up every morning is still a tearful chore, and though I find more often I can make it through the day and even find some small pleasures, I still end most days in tears as well.

I keep trying to go into work and do a little bit there, but there is always someone who manages to bring me down. Not because they want to, it's just that so many things seem to poke at my wound and cause me pain. Or sometimes I have to wonder. One woman - she's a doctor - her husband had a stroke two years ago. He's basically a vegetable. She came up to me yesterday, and the first thing she said was "I feel so lucky that I at least HAVE a husband that I can do things for, put my arms around and kiss. Poor you, you'll never hold your husband again." I had to return home - couldn't be at the office. Spent the rest of the day crying.

And then e-mails from family and friends. I got an e-mail from our eldest son in Rhode Island. I had e-mailed him that I was here for him if he wanted to talk. He hasn't said much about his dad since his death three months ago. He answered that he was dealing with it in his own way and that he was recalling more or more good memories about his father and our family, and not just that awful day at the hospital when he died. But my son also told me that there were so many things during the day that reminded him of his father, and that he kept thinking of things he wanted to talk about with his dad, and now he couldn't. Reading it just made me break down and cry for a couple of hours. I'm glad he shared it with me, but I feel so bad for our kids. They deserved two healthy parents a while longer. It's so unfair.

I miss him so much it makes me desperate sometimes. I wish I could fast forward the months so that my kids and I could be feeling better. But most of all I wish I could go back in time, knowing what I know now, and stop the cancer from taking him away from us. I can't do either one - so I guess I have to keep climbing.

Melina

[wmjsca]

Hi Melina,

I am so sorry about your loss and can relate to the ups and downs, although Clint's death is so new that I'm not as skilled at dealing with grief yet as others here. They say that people really don't know what to say to those of us in bereavement. They will say things that seem so cruel, when it's just that they haven't lost their partner, so they can't relate. Clint's sister and family constantly tease me about how much 'I must miss intimacy since he's no longer here' and speak of other women who found new partners right away. I think it's inconsiderate, especially when they don't have to sleep alone as I do now.

I wish I could go back before I even met him sometimes, so that I wouldn't hurt now that he's gone.

It hasn't yet been a month for me, so I feel for your pain and will pray for you and for all of us who have lost our loves; and for the people (who could never understand) to please think before they speak.

[Sal]

Hi Melina,

Having an awful time with this post, brain in park this morning. What I wanted to say however was that I think the Doctor is trying to convince herself that she is the lucky one. I am not saying this with any malice but believe it to be true. If you polled 50 people and asked them if they would prefer to die over living a life as a vegetable about 49 would probably say they would like to go, myself included.

Sally

[melina]

By the way, my husband's name is Thyge (Norwegian name, pronounced "Tee-geh"). I say this so I don't have to keep typing "my husband". We talked about this actually two years ago (a year before Thyge's diagnosis), when this doctor's husband suffered the stroke. We both agreed that it would have been far better for this man to die rather than live a life strapped into a chair with a feeding tube, unable to speak or move. Another neurologist we knew agreed with us. I realize this woman needs to somehow convince herself that this is the better option. Still, it's painful. Now and then I find myself wondering if it hadn't been better to at least have Thyge here in body. But he was so intelligent and academic, it wouldn't have been him. He always said that he was glad it wasn't a paralyzing stroke, or brain cancer or Alzheimers. Though he probably would have lived longer had it been any of those. Lung cancer is an insidious disease. It was awful seeing him struggling for breath until they put the mask on him and finally a tube. I still feel traumatized by it.

All these what-ifs and bad memories - they do me no good.

Melina

[Dimcl]

...Clint's sister and family constantly tease me about how much 'I must miss intimacy since he's no longer here' and speak of other women who found new partners right away. I think it's inconsiderate, especially when they don't have to sleep alone as I do now.

I think you're being very kind by using the word "inconsiderate". The only way I could think of such insensitive people is "What goes around, comes around". One day, they'll learn.

Di

[kayc]

Chutes and ladders...yep, three steps forwards, two steps backwards. But just remember, overall, we're progressing, even when it's a backwards day.

As for your SIL's comments, totally unwarranted. I'm afraid I'd have to let her have it!

[wmjsca]

Hi Melina,

I wonder about the same thing, would I rather he still be here, even if it were in a vegetative state. I really don't know, but I do know it was awful watching Clint struggle for breath. I still go over it in my mind. And how the doctors said he was trying to breathe 'over the machine' on his own, an indication he was experiencing pain, but couldn't communicate it. I felt so helpless and so much compassion and empathy for his struggle to live even though all his systems shut down one by one. It was just unreal how a person could be diagnosed and gone within four days, mostly unconscious, connected to every conceivable machine. Cancer of any kind is horrible; his was a rare t-cell blood cancer, a rapid moving horrendous poison that destroyed his platelets and organs. I don't think I'll ever get over this.

[sunstreet]

Oh Melina, I am so sorry for the struggle of this journey. When I was reading your post and learning of this terribly unwarranted and insensitive comment and made by a Dr. to boot! I just wanted to give her what for on your behalf! Don't you just want to scream at times? In fact sometimes when I am driving I do just that..I scream...and it feels very cathartic and healing.

I totally relate to the ups and downs for sure!

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[sunstreet]

Clint's sister and family constantly tease me about how much 'I must miss intimacy since he's no longer here' and speak of other women who found new partners right away. I think it's inconsiderate, especially when they don't have to sleep alone as I do now.

I agree "inconsiderate" is to mild a word to describe there thoughts they so hurtfully voiced to you. How dare they do that to you! I am just so sorry.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[wmjsca]

Thank you, Carol Ann--

I am going into week four now and it's still like living in another dimension. The thought he's gone forever creeps into my mind throughout the day and especially at night. I miss him so much.

[abergsma]

Melina, how well you described what I am going though also...Chutes and Ladders

I keep feeling anxious as well. It is an awful feeling in your stomach that makes you feel sick..

No one knows what we are going through unless they have walked in our shoes.

Allana

[Lainey]

Melina,

What an inconsiderate thing to say to you. I think I would have very politely told her to go to____.I'm sorry you had to go through that.

I know about the Chutes and Ladders only too well. One day everything seems alright, the next day ..bang, back to square one. I miss Lars all the time and it will be a year n Dec. 11th. Doesn't seem possible but that's the reality of it.

Lars was also a very proud Norwegian, who never let me forget that it was them that conquered Russia(my family heritage).We planned a trip there, but sickness took over.

Lainey

[Deb625]

Today is definitely a chutes day, been sad and crying all day. I keep myself busy and then as I near the end of whatever project (renovated the bathroom over the last 2 to 3 weeks), my Michael isn't here to help me or see the final accomplishment and I spiral down... I just miss him. It's been over 6 months and I just want to wake up from this bad dream... Deb

[wmjsca]

Hi Deb, I had a day like that yesterday, Thanksgiving Day. I was invited to several places and people were surprised I wasn't 'over it' yet. Don't they understand that just because a holiday happens, the pain remains?

I know you miss your Michael. I can identify, but I'd like to believe that he is aware of the project's completion and is proud of you for carrying on the best you can under the circumstances.

Take care.