How Can He Just "be Gone?"

[Dimcl]

It still seems so unreal. How can my darling man just be gone? Everywhere I go, everywhere I look, our 33 years together are all around me, so how can he just vanish into thin air? How can he be alive and talking about coming home from hospital, kissing me goodbye for the night and then just be gone 6 hours later? How can my life alter so drastically in just 6 hours? I'm trying to be brave for him, I'm trying to carry on because that's what Glenn would have wanted, but it's less than 3 weeks and I just can't imagine how I'm going to get through the weeks and months and years without him. I have his photos all over the house and they give me comfort, but I can't believe that he's just gone. In all our life together, we've never been seperated this long and I just can't get over thinking he'll be there to unlock the door for me when I come home, that he'll take the grocery bags out of my arms after shopping, that he'll be in the kitchen making my morning tea when I get up in the morning. I wish I believed in God, believed in an afterlife, believed that his spirit is hovering, but I don't. I miss his touch, I miss hugging him, I miss his voice, I miss his physicality. I feel like such a weakling, but this pain is too much.

[Perkins808]

I am so sorry for all the pain you are feeling right now. I think all of us here have been where you are - where the initial numbness starts to wear off and the pain you experience is like an avalanche, just crushing you.

My husband had just been told that although he had been diagnosed with stage 4 esophageal cancer, radiation had eliminated the tumor in his esophagus. We were still riding that high when one night two weeks after getting the great news we were watching a movie - Jeff went into cardiac arrest right before my eyes. No amount of cpr that I did, the paramedics did.....no defibrilators could bring him back. In the blink of an eye he was gone.

The pain IS overwhelming....and although most people would say to take things one day at a time, most people here who have gone through this will tell you that at first you will need to take one minute at a time. When you are sad, cry.....when you are angry, yell......do whatever you need to do to get through that minute.

I've said before when I've heard someone say that they feel weak - I think we should give ourselves credit just for getting out of bed in the morning. This will probably be the hardest thing we will ever deal with, so we need to cut ourselves some slack.

I hope you are able to find some comfort by posting here.

Hugs,

Tammy

[kayc]

I don't know, it's hard for me to understand or comprehend how they can just be gone, I only know what is. We can only listen and care, just know you are not alone. Even when we don't have answers, we're here, I hope that helps a little at least.

[LarrysGirl]

I'm so sorry. I've said the sames words many many times since Larry died. How can he just be gone??? He was sick, yes, but the night before he died he was watching tv, eating dinner, talking to me, etc. and in the morning life forever changed. It is very hard to come to terms with the lose of the person you spent your life with. I wish I could find the answer myself, I struggle with it often. I hope for you and all the others some peace. Deborah

[Guest NancyL]

Dimcl, as you can see, you're not alone. Many of us had no clue that the time when we lost our loved ones was so near. Don and I had just started our vacation, but first he had to go to the doctor that morning. The doctor wanted him to get two units of blood because of anemia, so we put our plans for that day on hold and spent the entire day at the hospital. He drove us home late that afternoon, then had a lousy frozen dinner, because we didn't have anything planned for supper. He was tired and running into things with his power wheelchair, so he went to bed early. I didn't know that only 3 hours later, he would wake for the last time with a wild wide eyed look. The doctors said there was nothing they could do, so he died shortly after arriving at the hospital. Yes I miss him terribly, the house and evenings are lonely, but I read someone else's comment that they know their spouse would find a way to go on if it were them that had died. So, I go on, put a smile on my face and find something to occupy me when I'm feeling low. Today, I read that our Home Instead company has put names on christmas trees around our town, and are asking people to pick a name and buy a gift for a senior that doesn't have anyone to give them a gift. I'm excited about that, and plan to go tomorrow morning and pick out a male name and a female name and purchase a gift. I hope you can find some happiness in the days ahead.

[sunstreet]

Oh I am just so sorry for all the pain you are feeling. It is just so hard. I agree with Tammy, sometimes it is just enough to get through the next minute, then the next, and then the next. One thing I do for myself is I have an image of grief, my pain, being the ocean, sometimes it is calm, sometimes it is a raging storm. It just is and somehow we have to find our way through.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[wmjsca]

November 22 will mark a month since Clint took his last breath, and I still ask myself how he can 'just be gone'. Life really is much different. While the shock has subsided, the sadness and reality that I'm alone now is sometimes overwhelming.

I had a dream that we had argued and when I decided to call him to make up, I awoke and realized that I would never be able to call him again. The reality smacked me in the face yet again.

The waves come and go, but it always comes back to, how could he 'just be gone', just like that?

No one calls me anymore, either. I suppose they figure I'm 'over it' by now.

[Queeniemary]

Dimcl, I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. You are still in the very early stages of this horrible journey. I lost Michael over 10 months ago, and still have that same feeling "how can he be gone". I am beginning to think that is something I will never get over. It hurts all over again when that feeling overwhelmes me. I can be just rocking along, thinking I am doing pretty good, and then it will hit. I will tell you that the pain and grief have become manageable, and I can find happiness in things, but always there is that underlying feeling of something missing, and it is Michael.

Hang in there, I don't know when, as it is different for everyone, I believe, but I believe it will get easier someday for you. Thinking of you, and sorry for the pain we all are going through.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[wmjsca]

I'm about at the same stage you are, Dimcl, four weeks, days shy of one month. I know exactly how you feel. I walk around the house and things are much as they were when he was here. It's hard to believe he was here, in this very house with me, during the month of October, 2010, and now he's gone. It's too new now to feel any differently than you do. It's a normal phase of grief.

You will have to be brave for yourself, too. You are the one left to deal with life and must learn to create an existence without Glenn's physical presence. It takes time, lots of time and you may still be in the 'shock' phase. I'm not sure the phases are totally exclusive because somedays I think I'm over the shock and numbness and then feel them again. But, for the most part, the pain and sadness will be felt as the reality of the situation sinks in. I am told over time that although the pain doesn't totally disappear, it lessens and becomes a little more manageable.

Right now, go with the flow of your feelings and don't try to suppress anything. You've got to feel it to get through it and it is going to hurt. Do you have family and friends or a support group? On those days I don't want to be alone it does help to have someone to talk to. I went to the library the week of his death and got lots of books to read and they really do help, especially in the middle of the night when I can't get back to sleep.

We are not alone. Death is a part of life and grief is the inevitable cost of loving someone. Remember, feeling the grief is essential to healing and not a sign of weakness and trying to be strong may get in the way of healing. We have to get to the point of acceptance (which is later on down the road) to begin our long road back.

Keep posting as we are all on this journey.

[Dimcl]

Everyone tells me that I should not try to supress anything and I know, intellectually, that they're right, but I just find it hurts too much to do so. Part of my problem is that I've never been a "cryer". When I feel that emotion, I turn to anger instead of weeping. I find no benefit to crying, no release, nothing but feeling weak and out of control.

I know, however, that your advice is probably very good, because I'm afraid that if I supress things now, I'm likely to have things come back to haunt me down the road.

I don't have family or real friends in the city where I live. Glenn and I moved here 6 years ago and although I have acquaintances, I don't have anyone that I really feel I can unload to. In the city where we moved from, I have good friends who have been great on the phone, but my phone bills are already out of hand.

Thank you all for responding. I feel better tonight. I am surrounded by images of my darling man and have just got off the phone with an old friend whose opinions I value above everyone else's and she helped a lot. This site has a lot of great people and knowing that we're all in the same boat (give or take) has truly helped.

[wmjsca]

I was never a crier, either, until Clint died. I wasn't this upset when my father died. I realize everyone has their own opinions of what we should do, and we can only make suggestions because this is an individual process...we'll go through it differently. I can understand the anger and most of this week, I've been more angry than teary, but tonight, I'm crying and can't seem to stop. Thinking of how he's gone forever and he's no longer walking around the house, staying up, waiting for me to get off the computer to join him so that he could hold me tight while we slept. I go to my room now, and it's totally empty. I cook dinner and he's not there helping me, he was a much better cook, anyway. He's not in his usual spot on the sofa, he's not here to stay up when I do the laundry very late. And he'll never again knock on the door in his own special code....I always knew when he was at the door. It hurts so very badly and the pain is just so, so deep inside. It's really hard when you're angry and sad all at the same time.

Keep coming back, that's what I plan to do. Monday will mark the first month since his death. I am really catching hell tonight for some reason.

[susavi]

It still seems so unreal. How can my darling man just be gone? Everywhere I go, everywhere I look, our 33 years together are all around me, so how can he just vanish into thin air? How can he be alive and talking about coming home from hospital, kissing me goodbye for the night and then just be gone 6 hours later? How can my life alter so drastically in just 6 hours? I'm trying to be brave for him, I'm trying to carry on because that's what Glenn would have wanted, but it's less than 3 weeks and I just can't imagine how I'm going to get through the weeks and months and years without him. I have his photos all over the house and they give me comfort, but I can't believe that he's just gone. In all our life together, we've never been seperated this long and I just can't get over thinking he'll be there to unlock the door for me when I come home, that he'll take the grocery bags out of my arms after shopping, that he'll be in the kitchen making my morning tea when I get up in the morning. I wish I believed in God, believed in an afterlife, believed that his spirit is hovering, but I don't. I miss his touch, I miss hugging him, I miss his voice, I miss his physicality. I feel like such a weakling, but this pain is too much.

I say the same thing every morning that I get out of bed. Iwas married to my husband for 40 years and he was disabled for 33 of those 40 we had been together since I was 14 and he was always there. We always were together snd we always looked out for each other and loved each other deeply. He got sick and had to be admitted to the hospital and was suppose to come home on Thursday but that morning he took a turn for the worst and was dead 8 hours later. It has been a very hard because I wish I could hold him one more time or kiss him one more time or just lay next to him one more time. Every where I look around this house I see him and the tears flow and I wonder will things ever get better or will I ever get out of this deep hole of lonliness. It has been 4 months and it seems like yesterday and things are still as fresh in my heart as they were the day he died and I am miserable. I did the group and it helped for awhile but I am still lost. So know there is others out there like yourself all struggling with the same feelings and trying to deal with the loss.