Letting Go

[Cheryl]

I've come to a new point in my grief journey where I am realizing that the tears and crying that have brought me a release are no longer working to ease my pain. It has been 14 months since Mark died and the changes in my pain have been huge. From being utterly shattered to a gradual exceptance and even a hopefullness. The daily ritual of expelling the horror through tears has changed. I now awake each morning and softly remember with sadness that he is gone, cry a few moments and start me day.

But occasionally the horror comes back full force and the sobbing that once helped me now seems to make things worse. I am starting to realize that I need to let go. The tears are no longer working for me. It's like being between a rock and a hard place. I am waiting, caught between two possibilities. Neither of which is wanted. In one place a rock of not wanting to through what must be done and in the other a hard place of seeing no other options. My great fear is that if I let go of the crying and grieving I'll fall or even fail. I don't know what will become of me. What is next on this journey. I still want my husband but he's gone. I'll never let go of him but I must let go of this ritual of grief.

I have been told to embrace this next part. To dare myself and push myself to rise. Set new goals. Start a new life. That there is a freedom in learning to exhale after breathing in. But trying to find a balance is so difficult. Learning to move past the pain without forgeting the pain. Balancing growth and hopefully happiness without slipping into a state of denial.

I am confused and scared and lonely and tired and I just want to be happy agian. Can I do it without losing Mark?

[wmjsca]

I've come to a new point in my grief journey where I am realizing that the tears and crying that have brought me a release are no longer working to ease my pain. It has been 14 months since Mark died and the changes in my pain have been huge. From being utterly shattered to a gradual exceptance and even a hopefullness. The daily ritual of expelling the horror through tears has changed. I now awake each morning and softly remember with sadness that he is gone, cry a few moments and start me day.

But occasionally the horror comes back full force and the sobbing that once helped me now seems to make things worse. I am starting to realize that I need to let go. The tears are no longer working for me. It's like being between a rock and a hard place. I am waiting, caught between two possibilities. Neither of which is wanted. In one place a rock of not wanting to through what must be done and in the other a hard place of seeing no other options. My great fear is that if I let go of the crying and grieving I'll fall or even fail. I don't know what will become of me. What is next on this journey. I still want my husband but he's gone. I'll never let go of him but I must let go of this ritual of grief.

I have been told to embrace this next part. To dare myself and push myself to rise. Set new goals. Start a new life. That there is a freedom in learning to exhale after breathing in. But trying to find a balance is so difficult. Learning to move past the pain without forgeting the pain. Balancing growth and hopefully happiness without slipping into a state of denial.

I am confused and scared and lonely and tired and I just want to be happy agian. Can I do it without losing Mark?

[in one place a rock of not wanting to through what must be done and in the other a hard place of seeing no other options.]

Hi Cheryl,

I feel your pain. I've read that there is a point where we are at peace with our loss, but I'm not sure how to compare that with 'happiness'. I'm told that there is a point where I'll need to let go and say goodbye, never to his memory (that isn't possible), but to the life we had when he was here because he'll never be with me in life again.

I have no idea how long this process will take, but I'm assured it will come. Right now I just passed the one-month-mark, so it's still too new. It could realistically take years.

But you said something in your post that keeps things in perspective....there really is NO option. All those things we used to do together, those things he helped me with, the love we shared emotionally and physically are NO MORE. I have to live life alone now--so I've got no option except to work toward "letting go" at some future point.

Grief is a strange animal, the episodes become less traumatic, but can occur at any time, indefinitely. Go with those feelings, cry through them... The devastating shock lessens, the sadness remains. It's normal to feel this, some people still cry at the thought of their loved ones years and years after their deaths.

[MZM]

I think the hardest think is understanding that they have gone...

I guess the pain is never gone, its just that we have to learn to cope with it...and thats what you're doind Cheryl...

Lots of hugs and best wishes on this part of ur journey

[sunstreet]

Oh dear Cheryl I see and feel your pain. I understand totally. It is a very hard place to be. Almost like we are on the top of a fence, and on one side was the life we had, and on the other is the life that is yet unknown. It is frightening.

Cheryl, we can take our time deciding when it is right for us to step off the fence and embrace and welcome the life that is unknown and new to us. WE have the right to take as much time as we need. We are in charge of us and what we need. I encourage you to listen to your own voice, as I believe we all know what we need. Others may tell us what we need, but how can they know, only we can know that is my belief.

Hang in, we all are here, we are listening, and we all understand.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[MartyT]

Cheryl, dear, I don't think moving forward in your grief journey requires that you do so without your beloved Mark. I just read this statement in an article by Belleruth Naparstek, and thought of your post immediately. It's as if she wrote these words for you:

Successful resolution of grief always entails taking the 'lost' loved one into your heart, incorporating the image of that person inside yourself - that's the only way any of us can stand to lose anyone and keep on walking and talking - by keeping them within us, in whatever ways we can.

[kayc]

Cheryl,

You will never lose Mark, he is your cheering squad, he is there on the sidelines encouraging you and saying "You can do it!" He is the one who is proud of you, he is the one who will comfort you and strengthen you whenever you need it. He is there inside of you, all you need do is reach for him, he will never leave you.