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Overcompensating?


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Hi All,

I just wanted to see if there is anyone else out there who is doing or has done what I am doing. I have thrown myself head first into the holidays.......I spent the entire weekend decorating my house. Christmas is my absolute favorite holiday and I have a ton of decorations. Normally I rotate things, but this year I pulled out every decoration I own and decorated every room in the house. There is a Christmas tree in every room, lights everywhere......I was busy all weekend putting everything up.

Well, that was all fine, until Sunday night when I finally finished everything and got to sit down and relax. I took one look around and burst into tears, which then turned into uncontrollable sobbing. Yes everything looks beautiful, it's never looked better.....but I am overwhelmed by the feeling that there is just something huge missing. That something being Jeff. :(

When my 15 year old daughter walked in and saw me crying she came over and gave me a big hug and asked what was wrong. I told her that I was trying really hard to have the Christmas spirit, but the emptiness of not having Jeff here is overwhelming. Ever the wise one, she told me I was overcompensating.....that being so busy kept me from feeling everything until right that moment, and that by going overboard with the decorating I was trying to fill a void that just can't be filled. Where does a 15 year old get all this wisdom?? All I can say is that I am blessed to have not just her, but her sister as well. They lost a step Dad who meant the world to them, but still manage to be so thoughtful when they know I need it.

I know I need to take a step back and regroup....but I just wondered if anyone else is going through this??

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I am not sure if this applies to what you are experiencing with Christmas but, I lost my father a year ago or so. That first Christmas I didn't put anything up in my house as I was still numb and didn't feel like decorating. For me there was not much to celebrate as the big void my father left was there. That void is still there now, but somehow I view it or feel it differently. I had the Christmas tree boxed up by the closet and contemplated it like 100 times. I debated whether to put it up as I didn't feel like a tree should be up. But then I thought, putting that Christmas tree up and decorating it brings a smile to my face, not for the tree itself but for what Christmas means to me. My father would not want me to be sad, so I put up a small pic of him in the tree along with a bike ornament as he loved biking. It is my way of making him part of this Christmas. I know he is not in this world, and that I can't talk to him on the phone or hug him but he will never be forgotten and I wanted him to be part of Christmas in this particular way. In Christmas my family and I celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. I imagine in heaven there is no nativity set, as Jesus is there, but on earth, the nativity set is a reminder of the real reason for the season.

Your daughter is very wise :). Take it one day, one step at a time. I did cry when setting up the Christmas tree, it is normal. Seeing that bike and that picture reminds me that my father is not in this world but he will always be in my heart, my mind and his memory will be honored.

Big hug for you,

-L

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Oh Tammy, I know it is so hard to feel our pain when it comes. I am sorry for the pain you experienced. I always feel now when the weeping comes, as painful as it is, it is also healing and honouring our loved one. I think as humans we have some basic needs, physiological, safety, love and relationship and self-esteem need. I think when our loved one dies, in an instant some or all of our basic needs are suddenly ripped right away from us. We are left behind to find new ways to have are basic human needs met. I think it entirely normal to overcompensate as we search for a new way of being. I overcompensated as well, not with Christmas but with baking, as Melissa loved to bake. I believe I thought if I could just keep something the same, it would not hurt as much. I too when the freezer was full and no room for anything and had to sit and be with my thoughts, all I felt was a huge void and the tears came, and then turned into weeping. That was last Christmas. Your loss is still so new, it is Ok that you overcompensated as a way to avoid feeling. I am proud of you for having the courage to lean into the pain and weep and allow some healing to happen. I am grateful that you share your pain with your girls, teaching them it is OK to feel, what a gift you are giving them.

And indeed, out of the mouths of babes as they say. It gives me great joy when I read about what family life that is healthy and loving is like and that it does exist, thank you for being one of those families.

That piece of pain has been expressed, like the wave on the shore, it dissipates, till another wave, for me that is what it has been like, I don't think the waves stop, but we learn how to ride the wave without it causing so much pain.

You are not alone.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

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Tammy,

I did the same exact thing this weekend and too found myself crying at the end of it! I have also been going a little crazy with the shopping another way to try to fill a void. It just hurts so bad that you want to make it go away somehow anyway you can, but it wont only one direction to go and that is forward straight ahead. I know it's scary and so unfamiliar, but we have no other choice can't go back and can't stay still so we must move forward. I'm also finding it hard to go on facebook and read all the wonderful things friends and families are doing together. I can't help but think why not me why not my boys. Then I realize that I can't change the situation so what can I change.

Leesa

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I can relate to what you're saying even though I haven't expressed it in that way. I am feeling a yearning for a Christmas tree and decorations, yet feel resistant to it at the same time as there's no one to share with. But another part of me tells me that I am worth it, and I can do it for me, even if there is no one else to share it with!

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Good for you Kayc! What a wonderful positive attitude and YES you are worth it. I'm going to take that thought with me for the next few days because I took a few days vacation this week (use it or lose it) and I'm feeling a little guilty that I didn't take vacation sooner this year so I could have spent it with Don. Actually we had just started a week vacation when he died the first day of it. I'm trying not to get too bummed out of vacationing alone, so I'm going to do something for me because I am worth it too! Thanks

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Dear Perkins808,

I had a difficult Thanksgving. The day went great up until I had to cut up the turkey and put it on the table. Mark always carved the bird and here his mom and I were trying to do it through tears. We gathered in a circle to pray and everyone looked to me. I was shaking and felt really angry. Jipped that they all had a mate and I was alone, but standing in my own house. Angry that my husband was missing his favorite holiday. I couldn't at that moment think of a thing to be thankful for! I announced that I would not pray. Everyone assumed it was because I was sad. My anger frightened me and I was embarassed for myself. Thank God the angry words didn't surface! No one caught on to the fact that I said "would not pray" instead of "could not pray". It took me two days to get over the anger. Now I understand that at that moment it was easier for me to be angry rather than sad. I'm so done with being sad all the time! I'm just praying the angry feelings don't come back often.

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My Thanksgiving was much like yours. I was sad and angry and tired of being sad; angry because I'm still sad, ticked off because everyone had their mates and basically sick and tired of being the focus of everyone's 'pity'. I didn't ask for this! I'm trying to deal with the anger and searching for healthy outlets.

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