I Feel Horrible.

[Suzanne R.]

I just need to get this out, as I understand we are all in pain and trying to feel relief, we are all on our own individual place of grieving. In a way I really didn't want to post, but I am feeling horrible. I remember saying before that it's just another day today, and I still believe that, and I also really hate to whine and complain and b*tch but I have been having gut-wrenching tears the night of Christmas Eve, even after talking and carrying on like everything is "normal" when I know it's not, after 'my' 2 sons and their wives and 6 grandchildren left, I couldn't get to sleep and cried in the morning when I woke alone, thinking of the first 25 years of our marriage that at this time I would be cooking the 22 lb. turkey and placing the wrapped presents under the tree, (that we haven't put up in the last 9 years) making the stuffing that Danny used to help me with the night before because it took 2 or 3 hours to make, and baking sweet breads and buying groceries and he and I being a little snappy with each other because a little too much money was spent or everyone didn't always get here on time. But, the moment we all ate dinner after saying grace, it was all love and joy and peace. Not today. The memories haunt me. When I woke up alone and opened the one gift I saved aside that one of Dan's sisters gave me and it was a few feminine very sweet and touching gifts she so carefully wrapped inside of a lit-up Elvis stocking that sang "I'll have a Blue Christmas" because Danny once used to sing along with Elvis songs (he never liked receiving memorabilia or Elvis' movies) so of course I burst into tears. I just feel like life is over for me, but Dan's sister is a sweetheart, I would never say anything to her. Now, because of the place I am in at this particular moment I am mad, I am angry, I am filled with self-pity, I don't care about anything, I don't want to die, but I don't want to live. I really do know that everyone is feeling it too, but it seems like I am so alone. Right now, I hate living, I hate people laughing, and being joyful. I have been crying during Christmas day. I actually kicked a cardboard box. I never did that before. The box never did anything to me and neither did any of these joy-filled people and yet I can't stop feeling nothing but horrible. I guess that's what grief does to some people. Two days before Christmas I received the letter I had been dreading that in six months when a one bedroom apt. becomes available I have to leave the only secure place Danny and I resided in and our 2 sons grew up in and have been here for 30 years. I even had a letter from my doctor and therapist and a 3-page letter I myself wrote explaining in detail what Dan has been through in the last 3 years all to no avail. The ones who makes these decisions in the corporate office said they know the death of a spouse is so devastating and gave me 6 months. Wasn't that nice of them, a nice little Christmas present, huh? I am so mad. I never wanted to leave here. I know it's true that others have lost their house and security and worse things have happened and I feel for them, but I really really really wanted to continue to live here with his presence and memories as hard as it was, it will be all that much harder living alone without this safe haven I had. It's really true that it is better to be happy with what we have when we have it. Because the nice comfy rug can be pulled from beneath us when we least expect it. Now I feel I will be right back where I started and losing Danny all over again. I am so bummed. Just had to get this out. I'm all stressed out but it helped to tell someone about this. I don't want to tell anyone in my family as I'll be so humiliated as I was hoping against hope that I wouldn't have to move. At least I have 6 months to get rid of what I don't need. But, I'll be taking all of Danny's clothes and possessions wherever I go. I don't care what anyone says. When I'm calmer I'll get back to you all. Hope you are all doing better. Thanks for reading this.

God bless,

Suzanne

[Billw]

Hi Suzanne,

Hope you're feeling better. I'll keep you in my thoughts today. Dan's presence and memories will go with you in your heart wherever you end up. My wife passed here at home and I feel her presence throughout the house. I found the connection with her this summer and she is with me always. When I can quiet my mind and be still long enough, it is as if she is right next to me whether I am at home, work or driving down the road. I hope you can find some peace with all of this. Take care...BW

[west]

I can identify with you...while people are there you put on a brave front then the door closes and again we are alone. I do not know how you eventually get through this. I pray you will find peace soon. I know that in the last nine months it has been so difficult and putting up a happy front is hard. No one really wants to here how you are really doing. It only changes when they are walking in your shoes. Take heart, many of us feel as you do.

[melina]

Suzanne, I hope you're feeling better too. Why are you being evicted? Is it because you can't make the mortgage or rent payments on your own? Sending good thoughts your way. I guess that's all any of us can do. It's gut-wrenching - this grief - but as much as we hate it, we have to grab on to whatever comfort we can find - even if it's just a little bit.

Bill - I would like to know how you were able to find your wife's presence. I would love to feel my husband's presence here. His ashes are still here, I have his baseball cap with his smell under my pillow, but I can't find him. Maybe my grief is still too raw.

Melina

[Suzanne R.]

Dear Melina,

I have to move from my 2 bedroom apartment to a 1 bedroom apartment because of regulations in my apartment state that I am overhoused. Even after I sent them a 3 page letter that it would be stressful to move as was suggested by the Office Manager because I have lived here for 30 years and obtaining verification of this by my doctor and therapist it seems they didn't read a word of it, or they lack compassion. It's a matter of business, or greed, which is what I call it. Hope that clears up your question, thank you so much for your support and reply. It is very much appreciated. I have to vent and it seems I can only do it with others who understand such as yourself, so thank you again.

God bless,

Suzanne

Dear Bill,

I have always felt disconnected from my husband. I also would like to find out how you feel your spouse's presence. I believe intellectually that Danny is with me but spiritually, emotionally I feel nothing. For 39 years we talked every single day and the day of January 22, 2010 I feel enveloped in nothingness. I feel empty and desolate without his connection after all these years of being together. I am curious as well. Hope you continue to feel that she is near. Take care.

God bless,

Suzanne

[sunstreet]

Dear Suzanne,

I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling. I am sorry that you are being told to move from a two bedroom to a one bedroom. That must be just so difficult. I can't take away your pain but I hope it helps just a smidgeon to know I understand. It is just so hard to be at that place in this journey.

I want to acknowledge your courage for posting here. It is not easy at the best of times. Good for you. I am so so sorry for the pain of this journey. It is OK the way you are feeling, it is allowed, and it is so normal. This journey ebbs and flows like the tide. It is not a straight line.

I feel my wife's presence with me where-ever I am, but I did not always. For me, it took a long time before I felt her presence. I hope in time this is your experience that you feel your Danny's presence and it brings you peace and comfort.

I hold you in gentle prayer and thought.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[Billw]

Hi Suzanne,

I have talked with a few people who have had success with this and believe the same things work. There is no magic or trick to it. It is not a huge billboard type sign that you see, it is more of a subtle feeling that you learn to be in tune with.

I started therapy a couple weeks after my wife passed. After basically watching her die for 14 months, I didn't realize how much that had traumatized me at the time it was happening. After she passed, I started having horrible flashbacks and a lot of anxiety, it was pretty much paralyzing me. A friend of mine who had suffered ptsd had gone to therapy and had some treatment that helped him drastically with his flashbacks. I did the same thing. I have gone every week for 7 months and am finishing up now.

To make a long story short, it is believed that we must first clear the heavy trauma and grief before we can truly make a good solid connection. That is how it was explained to me. I actually started to get it at one of my therapy sessions. It was not the technique at therapy that made the connection but I think it cleared the way. The rest is practice. I speak to my wife all the time as if she is standing next to me. I ask her daily what she thinks before I make a decision. It is a feeling in my heart more than any kind of physical sign. I can feel her tell me things. Sometimes when I get upset I can feel her tell me "I am standing behind you with my arms around you..It's o.k...I'm o.k." Might sound nuts and I really don't mind what others think, she knows and I know...that's all that counts. I have talked with others who experience the same thing, some more intense and others not so much.

I really hope and pray that we can all find relief, our partners are at rest and we still suffer some days. I'm sure none of them want that for us. I have to be patient and know that some days are just not fun but I will get through it. When I can stay out of the way and just let it happen, that's when I feel it the most. I really wish you good luck Suzanne....take care...BW

[sunstreet]

Oh Dear Bill,

Thank you so much as this is how it was for me as well. I have been pendering over how to explain how it happened for me but your words say it perfectly. I too was paralyzed with flashbacks and anxiety but not until the 4th anniversary. When I became diagnosed with cancer is when I really started talking with Melissa out loud asking her what I should do. It was hard facing cancer on my own and Melissa always knew how to put perspective on things. You have a wonderful way with words Bill. I am grateful that I did not have to watch my Melissa slowly die as you and others have had to do. My heart goes out to all of you.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[kayc]

Oh Suzanne, I am sorry I haven't been on line since Christmas Day...the electricity, internet, satelite tv have been out off and on and I have been dealing with snow, snow, snow, shoveling until I have been exhausted, and I'm supposed to be at work this morning but decided to work from home today instead of combat ice/snow for 1/2 day so I started at 5:00 this morning and got that behind me and now am trying to catch up on the internet. What a week!

What you are going through has got to be hard, and I'm glad they gave you six months to do it in, but my heart goes out to you in losing your place of comfort in addition to the loss you've already sustained in losing your husband. Your sister-in-law sounds like a sweetie! Blue Christmas is one of my favorites, and I got the CD at the church's white elephant this year and passed my old record album on to my son, who has a record player (he inherited it with the place he bought) and I don't any more. It is a fun song that just begs to be impersonated! I can so picture your husband singing to it...I did that to my kids for many years, it became a joke with us.

You shared a lot of years together, it will not be something you ever get over, but with time you will not feel as badly as you do today, this very moment. It takes a long time but we eventually learn to turn our memory of them from one of pain to one of comfort. Yes, take his belongings with you since that brings you comfort. You will know what to part with and what to keep as you go through everything in these upcoming months. I hope the new place will be easier for you to take care of. I am torn because I am so burdened with my place, having to shovel snow and take care of the place, and yet it is where George's ashes lie, and my pets are buried, where I raised my kids and there are at least a million memories here. But try to remember that the memories can never be taken, nor the love, for we carry them in our heart...not in a place. (((hugs)))

[Suzanne R.]

Thank you to all who replied and for your support. You have all reminded me of what is important. Even though we all go through hard struggles during grief, we must know that our loved one is with us wherever we go. All of your words of comfort mean something special to me because you feel this too and you have reached out to me. So, thank you again, your thoughtfulness is really appreciated. God bless.

Suzanne

[pjm]

Hi Suzanne,

I feel your pain so much so that I haven't been able to post anything for a while. No one can know the heartache that we go through. My pain is so much like yours right now. I too do not want to leave the comfiness of our house, I just don't know how long I can afford this place on my own will have to look for a roommate. I too spent most of christmas eve crying for my partner didn't want to see anyone, no christmas would have been better. I don't like being around anyone except our animals who comfort me. Im sick of hearing it will get better or you new she was going to die that gave you time to prepare or hang in there youve got pictures I hate all the comments. I want them to go away and leave me in my grief. I don't want to live I don't want to die I want to be with my partner not without. I should have died first I have MS i always thought I would but thoughts did not turn out that way. Just want to tell you I feel exactly the way you do only you were able to put it into words and I applaud you for that it made me feel better. Keep coming back.