Time Passing Makes Me Feel Like I'm Deserting Him

[Dimcl]

Since about a month after Glenn's death, I've dreaded the end of the day, to the extent that I'm not going to bed until 2:30 or 3:00 in the morning. I finally sat down and thought about it and figured out that it's because I feel that each day that passes takes me further away from him and our life together.

Don't get me wrong... I want this terrible pain to ease and I know that will only happen with the passage of time, but I feel that the end of each day takes me one more step away from him, and I can't stand that thought.

Has anyone else experienced this?

[mfh]

I am up until all hours of the night. Going to bed is lonely. I don't think it is about taking me further from our life but it is lonely and I am restless and it makes me sad to go to bed alone. mfh

[melina]

Dimcl,

Think of it this way, each day doesn't take you further away from your husband, it just takes you further away from your pain. That has to be a good thing.

I changed my sleep rhythm after my husband's death because I couldn't face a long day without him. Up until the beginning of December - which was about four months after I lost my husband - I realized that with my decision to go back to work two days a week, it was impossible to stay up until 4 in the morning and sleep until 12 or even 1 or 2 in the afternoon. I have a greater need for sleep now than I did before - maybe because grieving is so exhausting. So I need to get to bed at least by 11 if I'm going to get up at 7. I've been taking Melatonin to adjust my rhythm and help me fall into a more normal sleep pattern.

I've noticed a small but definite change after five months - coming up on five and a half. I want to do more during the day. Work fills a large part of the day, but I also have to do grocery shopping, walk the dog and make dinner for me and my 19-year old. Plus with three feet of snow, there is always snow shoveling, even though I try to push that chore on my son.

I also notice I want to have time for a couple of hobbies - I've been making a memorial quilt in my husband's honor, and doing some writing with the help of an online writing group. It helps to have a kind of escape from grief.

My point is that gradually you'll eventually want to fill the day with other stuff and since your body will need to sleep, this will begin to normalize. That will be a good sign, I think. There is hope.

Melina

[kayc]

each day doesn't take you further away from your husband, it just takes you further away from your pain.

Well said.

[abergsma]

Dimci

I have the same problem with my sleep. It is almost 4 months and I am finally able to go to sleep before 1am. I still wake up during the night but can go back to sleep instead of getting up. Hang in there and do what you have to do.

I know when I go back to work, which will be soon I will have to somehow get myself into a better routine.

Hang in there.

Allana

[danosgirl]

I lost my Dan august 11 2010 and Im experiencing this as well. I sometimes am up all night and not falling asleep till Im totally exhausted. I find Im going through all kinds of emotions at night from anger to remembering all our wonderful times. But I do sometimes worry that as I seem to be living my life more and more without him I do worry Im deserting him as well. I try and use nights like this to talk to him I find that sometimes it comforts me and helps me feel like Im still including him in my life.

[BellaRosa]

I lost my mom this past November, which I know is different than losing a spouse, but I have been having the same feelings about time and moving forward. I, too, feel that each day that passes is taking me farther and farther away from her. For the first few weeks, I was staying up very late, hoping to prolong the day I suppose. Now all I want to do is sleep so that I don't have to deal with anything.

Melina, I love how you put it, that it's not taking us further away from our loved ones, but instead further away from our pain.

[Lainey]

It really doesn't matter how long our loved ones have been gone for.. they are and always will be in your heart. You will never forget them, they are a part of who you became when they came into your life.

As Melina said we are just moving away from the pain, some quicker than others,for others the process is much slower.

Lainey

[Dimcl]

I think that feeling persists for me because as I address my mind to dealing with his tools, his clothes, his "stuff", I feel like I'm putting away that part of my life. So, the passage of another day simply means one day further from "couplehood" and one day closer to "oneness". I have no fear that my love for Glenn will ever, ever fade, but going to bed at night seems to be moving me further from that safe, comfortable, secure life that no longer exists. I guess it's just symbolic of the passage of time and I don't like it.

[Deb625]

Since about a month after Glenn's death, I've dreaded the end of the day, to the extent that I'm not going to bed until 2:30 or 3:00 in the morning. I finally sat down and thought about it and figured out that it's because I feel that each day that passes takes me further away from him and our life together.

Don't get me wrong... I want this terrible pain to ease and I know that will only happen with the passage of time, but I feel that the end of each day takes me one more step away from him, and I can't stand that thought.

Has anyone else experienced this?

Hi Dimcl, I would have to say "what is sleep?". I know that since my Michael passed on May 16/09 that I haven't had a "proper" nights rest. I do go to sleep around 11pm every night, but I wake up every night. I used to be "bright as a button" with my 8 hours rest. 8 months into this journey I didn't choose, I still have not had over 6 hours straight, and usually my sleep is "disturbed" and I wake up several times a night. I have 3 different types of sleeping pills - they all get me to sleep, but they don't keep me there - and if they do, I'm too drugged out to function... It is a terrible "cycle" to live in. I don't take sleeping pills on the weekend, as I want my body to get to a natural rhythm, however, I do take a sleeping pill every Sunday Night, so I get a semi-decent night sleep before my work week. I try to "not" take them through the week and I do only if I wake up at 2:30am... If I wake up at 4:30 of 5:30 there is not much point... My reality is that by Friday, I'm exhausted. I keep hoping that one day I'll "crash" and sleep for 24 hours or more - it hasn't happened and it is the part of grieving that I find most difficult, as I know if I just felt "rested" that I could do so much more to help myself through this... For now, it is still one foot in front of the other... Take care, Deb

[Dimcl]

Hi Dimcl, I would have to say "what is sleep?". I know that since my Michael passed on May 16/09 that I haven't had a "proper" nights rest.

Actually, when I do go to bed, I don't have too much problem falling asleep and I don't wake up often in the night. In fact, I haven't since Glenn died. My sleep patterns have changed in that I was always a night owl, but also slept in. Now, I can't seem to sleep in. I'm up early (for me) and since the morning is the worst time of day for me missing Glenn, I hate it.

The problem is as I said earlier - even though I'm tired, I'm consciously afraid of going to bed because it's one day further from Glenn and because I'm in this setback period and am worried about how I'll feel in the morning.