8 Months Today

[Deb625]

Well, it is 8 months today officially, my Michael actually passed on the 17th, however, I never had his death certificate altered as I know it was only important to me that he was alone for only one day. My Michael died tragically of a heart attack brought on by alcoholism at the tender age of 45. I had left our home 6 days before in hopes he would hit his "bottom" and find his way back to recovery - as he did in the past. I thought at the time it was the hardest thing I had ever done... I found his body on May 18th. It was the most horrific thing I could ever have done and honestly the only thing I am angry at Michael for... We loved each other deeply, he was my soul mate, he could make me laugh and we could talk about everything. He was beautiful inside and out. He melted my heart every time he smiled. He was a wonderful man who fought a horrific disease. During his last months, our lives were full of chaos of the addiction, I was crying everyday and he so hated to see me cry. My Michael was never violent or angry, he isolated, which impeded his many attempts at recovery. Michael fought "demons" that were there long before me. I knew he didn't drink at me and I know that I didn't cause it, couldn't control it and couldn't cure it. I know Michael loved me more than anyone else in this world, as I love him. The reality was I was "enabling" him, by taking care of him, and that living apart was to give him time to get healthy and me time to get healthy. I would have done and did do everything I could to help him, which included living apart. I left the "situation" not the man. I bought us a new home a place for him to come to when he was healthy - it was to be a long road to recovery, but we knew we would be together again - in a healthy environment away from the "house" of addiction (what we called our home). Michael was on a wait-list for detox, he would then go to rehab again (4th time) and then go to live in sober recovery. While in sober recovery, we would fix up our apartment, sell it and he would move in with me in our new healthy home. This was the plan. It didn't happen and I know I feel cheated that after all I went through all that we went through, we didn't get our happily ever after. Michael and I are meant to grow old together, my whole life is planned around our being together and now I have to figure out how to cope and live this new life that has been forced upon me. After 8 months I still miss him every day, I still cry everyday, I still have panic/anxiety attacks when I go to do "something" he should be here with me for. I still hear his loving, encouraging voice when I accomplish something. I still pray to God every day to just give him back. Our last conversation was so full of hope, love and encouragement it is so hard to believe he is gone... I know he wouldn't want me to be sad forever, and I am so trying to live. I keep putting one foot in front of the other and am just hoping by doing so that one day I'll once again feel "alive". We lived a life of chaos through addictions, however, there was lots of times of sobriety throughout, we loved to cook together, we loved fine dining and to go to community events, movies, we could sit beside eachother and read or just "be", we loved to travel and our last journey took us to Bali and Taiwan where we experienced incredible things (we pet a baby lion, road an elephant and stayed at a Safari Park where there was a rhino in our back yard no more than 10 feet away, we saw volcano's and black sand beaches, we snorkeled and saw clown fish... It was a trip of a lifetime that we would talk about night after night) I know in my heart that I got the absolute best of Michael and I hold dear the memories of him standing tall in recovery. Michael was a great man, a loving man, a respectful man. He related to the "teens" in our life like no one else, he had a special relationship with his Grandparents, he loved guitars, their luthiers and their history and he could play beautifully, he was interested in politics and the universe and loved the discovery channel. We competed playing jeopardy - he was smarter - though I'd never admit it to him. He didn't deserve to die. Through all, I always saw the man I fell in love with and I know he had so much more to give to this world. Michael's death is a tragedy, it wasn't meant to be... And here I am a widow at the age of 44 and learning to live this new life forced upon me. I'll light a candle today, shed my tears and hope that tomorrow is a better day... Thanks for listening. Deb

[kayc]

Deb,

You did the right thing for him, and it's just tragic that it ended the way it did. I feel so much like you do...my husband was suffering withdrawal from a drug addiction he was overcoming and was in counseling and doing the right things. I went away to my Sisters' Reunion as I did once a year (the rest of the year we were always together when we weren't working) and he suffered a heart attack and died. Up until then we hadn't known he even had heart problems.

We feel this isn't the way it was supposed to turn out...I look out on my patio and see our porch swing that we bought with the intent of "growing old together" and that didn't happen.

I can tell you it does get better with time but it's very painful inbetween. The "getting better" for me has not been anything like my life used to be, but rather just getting used to the fact that my life will never be the same again and that I have to go it alone. I miss him each and every day, but I've gotten accustomed to it.

You're at 8 months...you still have quite a ways to go yet, but you've come a long ways on your journey already and survived eight of the most excruciating months of your life. Hang in there and keep posting here and reading, know you are not alone, there are those of us here that go through it with you.

Kay

[sunstreet]

Dear Deb,

I am just so sorry Deb. Thank you for sharing so much with us. I will hold in gentle care and respect. I am sorry his death was so tragic. The love you shared is so palpable with your words. I am so happy that you have that to cherish and carry with you always.

You did right by him Deb. What a strong and loving woman you are, thank you. I just lit a candle and will think on you and Michael. It does get easier with time Deb. Hang in there and know that I hold you in gentle thougt and prayer.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[nats]

Deb,

God works in ways we will never know and can't reason but know Michael is now free of the disease he battled so hard, just as my wife Ruth is now free of the cancer that distroyed her body but never her soul, know that he is now serving his plan with our Lord, as hard as it is we all must find positive in our losses, we have been blessed to have shared such intense Love and Bonding not everyone finds that and many people are still looking and will never find it, I am approaching the 1 year mark as Ruth left 2/14/10 and I already feel the waves rolling, but let me say we can find a new life if we look and want, don't get me wrong we will still grieve and miss our spouses but life is still very much alive for us if we seek it....I pray God will guide and comfort you during these trying times and lead you to the light in your new journey....

NATS

[Deb625]

Thank you for your kind words of support. I deeply appreciate it. I know as I go through this journey, I have lived through a disease, comparable in a sense to cancer, in that it was long and painful to watch and a disease I had no "control" over, yet there was always hope. Like many on this site (we didn't choose to be on), my life as I "thought" it was to be, just didn't happen. The strength we all share is to be commended, though, that doesn't seem right when we're living just what is i.e. living through the tragedy of our spouse dying. My Michael said two phrases that come to mind over and over agiain... one is "suck it up buttercup" and the second is "it is what it is". Not the most romantic comforting words I could hear, but perhaps the most appropriate. I will never understand how he could have left me in so much pain and by knowing that, I know he didn't intend to die... Forever my love, love of my life, Michael xoxo

[Dimcl]

My Glenn's phrase was "That's life", Deb. Sounds as romantic as your Michael's philosophy.

Glenn and Michael were right, but I still haven't found that resignation yet. On the other hand, one of the phrases I've used for years is "Life's a bitch and then you die". Truer words were never spoken.

[LostmyHoney]

I am so very sorry you had to go through all of that, and to loose your love at the end. My Honey also had a drinking problem, congestive heart failure and psorosis of the liver when I met him online. After I had fallen for him, he told me the doc said he only had a year to live. I lived 3000 miles away and 3mo later I was here with him for a weeks vacation, that was the first week in Dec. 2006. By the end of May 2007 he had come to get me and we drove back together. I was very bleesed to get 3yrs and 3mo of time with him. It was more than I had thought but not as much as I had hoped. The few dreams I have had of him leave me to belive he is waiting for me with my dog Buddy, and many other family members. He is heathy now, no more demons tormenting his mind, he has forgiven all earthly grudges, and is at peace.

My Honeys phrase was "Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive!"

Rachel

[nats]

Deb,

Your comments remined me of Ruth's favorite saying's, if someone was upset with her or didn't like what she did it was

"sorry about your luck" and if something went astray, wrong or the routine was upset she'd say "it ain't nothin' but a thing", WOW I sure do miss hearing those saying's, but one thing for sure I'll never forget them and at times I swear when things are going crazy or I'm having a rough day I still hear her say "it ain't nothin' but a thing" babe you'll figure it out....

NATS