Deb625 Posted January 16, 2011 Report Share Posted January 16, 2011 Well, it is 8 months today officially, my Michael actually passed on the 17th, however, I never had his death certificate altered as I know it was only important to me that he was alone for only one day. My Michael died tragically of a heart attack brought on by alcoholism at the tender age of 45. I had left our home 6 days before in hopes he would hit his "bottom" and find his way back to recovery - as he did in the past. I thought at the time it was the hardest thing I had ever done... I found his body on May 18th. It was the most horrific thing I could ever have done and honestly the only thing I am angry at Michael for... We loved each other deeply, he was my soul mate, he could make me laugh and we could talk about everything. He was beautiful inside and out. He melted my heart every time he smiled. He was a wonderful man who fought a horrific disease. During his last months, our lives were full of chaos of the addiction, I was crying everyday and he so hated to see me cry. My Michael was never violent or angry, he isolated, which impeded his many attempts at recovery. Michael fought "demons" that were there long before me. I knew he didn't drink at me and I know that I didn't cause it, couldn't control it and couldn't cure it. I know Michael loved me more than anyone else in this world, as I love him. The reality was I was "enabling" him, by taking care of him, and that living apart was to give him time to get healthy and me time to get healthy. I would have done and did do everything I could to help him, which included living apart. I left the "situation" not the man. I bought us a new home a place for him to come to when he was healthy - it was to be a long road to recovery, but we knew we would be together again - in a healthy environment away from the "house" of addiction (what we called our home). Michael was on a wait-list for detox, he would then go to rehab again (4th time) and then go to live in sober recovery. While in sober recovery, we would fix up our apartment, sell it and he would move in with me in our new healthy home. This was the plan. It didn't happen and I know I feel cheated that after all I went through all that we went through, we didn't get our happily ever after. Michael and I are meant to grow old together, my whole life is planned around our being together and now I have to figure out how to cope and live this new life that has been forced upon me. After 8 months I still miss him every day, I still cry everyday, I still have panic/anxiety attacks when I go to do "something" he should be here with me for. I still hear his loving, encouraging voice when I accomplish something. I still pray to God every day to just give him back. Our last conversation was so full of hope, love and encouragement it is so hard to believe he is gone... I know he wouldn't want me to be sad forever, and I am so trying to live. I keep putting one foot in front of the other and am just hoping by doing so that one day I'll once again feel "alive". We lived a life of chaos through addictions, however, there was lots of times of sobriety throughout, we loved to cook together, we loved fine dining and to go to community events, movies, we could sit beside eachother and read or just "be", we loved to travel and our last journey took us to Bali and Taiwan where we experienced incredible things (we pet a baby lion, road an elephant and stayed at a Safari Park where there was a rhino in our back yard no more than 10 feet away, we saw volcano's and black sand beaches, we snorkeled and saw clown fish... It was a trip of a lifetime that we would talk about night after night) I know in my heart that I got the absolute best of Michael and I hold dear the memories of him standing tall in recovery. Michael was a great man, a loving man, a respectful man. He related to the "teens" in our life like no one else, he had a special relationship with his Grandparents, he loved guitars, their luthiers and their history and he could play beautifully, he was interested in politics and the universe and loved the discovery channel. We competed playing jeopardy - he was smarter - though I'd never admit it to him. He didn't deserve to die. Through all, I always saw the man I fell in love with and I know he had so much more to give to this world. Michael's death is a tragedy, it wasn't meant to be... And here I am a widow at the age of 44 and learning to live this new life forced upon me. I'll light a candle today, shed my tears and hope that tomorrow is a better day... Thanks for listening. Deb Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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