sunstreet Posted January 24, 2011 Report Share Posted January 24, 2011 I struggle quite a bit tonight and looking for and needing some support. I have felt both joy and despair all in the same day. I went swimming today. Melissa and I loved to swim and we were like two fish in the sea. I went to a different pool than the one we always used so it might be feel not so painful not having here along side. I have a lot of visible scars from all the abuse I endured over the years and it is hard to be seen in public in a bathing suit. People stare sometimes and sometimes will take their children out of the water, fearing somehow I guess that my scars are somehow contagious. Melissa told me to tell people that they were scars from a war that I had no choice in being in and I won the WAR! Melissa did not see my scars, she saw me, and made no difference to her at all. I felt beautiful. I felt normal. Anyhow, I managed to swim a few lengths and it felt fairly good. In fact, I felt some joy in having this break through and being able to do it on my own. I decided today that the dreams Melissa and I shared do not have to also die. I will continue to go swimming, get stronger, and one day I will make the trip to swim with the dolphins as we had planned. Even though it was a joyful experience, it was still so hard, and consumed a lot of my energy. When I got home, I had a nap. When I woke, I instinctively got ready to go for a ride on my bike. This is always something I do after I face a challenge, to clear the cobwebs. That was one of my Melissa's favourite sayings; come on let's go for a ride you need to clear the cobwebs. Melissa read me like a book, she knew my every need without me having to ask. Then when reality hit and I couldn't go for a ride, I felt a lot of sadness. I am really struggling at having to give up my bike. It feels like someone is telling me there is no more air to breathe and I am going to die a slow and painful death. Oh the memories of all our trips, all that we saw, all the fun, all the joy, all the freedom. I will have these forever to carry with me. I have so many burdens, health, work, finances, progressive hearing loss; I feel so much anticipated loss. I have been having nightmares and flashbacks again ever since the parole hearing. My bike is the best antidote and stress reliever to all of these burdens. Someone did share with me how they understand my loss because they felt the same freedom when they go for rides in their convertible. I was grateful at learning this because my brain has been percolating the idea of perhaps a convertible would give me the same freedom. However, that is out of my financial reach. Melissa left me with a lot of debt, that I was unaware of, this coupled with her having no life insurance and me bearing the cost of her funeral, etc and the fact I was not fit for work for three years after she died. It all has placed a financial strain that is wearing me down bit by bit. My bike allows me to escape it all for awhile. Then when I thought I could feel no worse. I receive a phone call from my manger at work. Basically, he wanted to know if I could give him a date as to when I would be ready to go back to full time status. I simply said, I do not know. He seemed a little more genuinely concerned for me than usual. I did it, I let my guard down, because I had a need to receive some support, some empathy and I shared with him how I was struggling with having to give up my bike and causing me to miss Melissa some more and hurt some more. My manager said and I quote "I am surprised you are still hurting it is not like you two were a couple in the true sense of the word." I hung up on him. This is when feeling some despair happened in my day. That is another role my bike plays when I encounter, prejudice, intolerance, and cruelty…I go for a ride…we (Melissa and I) would go for a ride. It is hard to face the cruelty in the world..alone…without my Melissa by my side…I loved her so….. Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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