I Need Support......

[sunstreet]

I struggle quite a bit tonight and looking for and needing some support. I have felt both joy and despair all in the same day. I went swimming today. Melissa and I loved to swim and we were like two fish in the sea. I went to a different pool than the one we always used so it might be feel not so painful not having here along side. I have a lot of visible scars from all the abuse I endured over the years and it is hard to be seen in public in a bathing suit. People stare sometimes and sometimes will take their children out of the water, fearing somehow I guess that my scars are somehow contagious. Melissa told me to tell people that they were scars from a war that I had no choice in being in and I won the WAR! Melissa did not see my scars, she saw me, and made no difference to her at all. I felt beautiful. I felt normal.

Anyhow, I managed to swim a few lengths and it felt fairly good. In fact, I felt some joy in having this break through and being able to do it on my own. I decided today that the dreams Melissa and I shared do not have to also die. I will continue to go swimming, get stronger, and one day I will make the trip to swim with the dolphins as we had planned. Even though it was a joyful experience, it was still so hard, and consumed a lot of my energy.

When I got home, I had a nap. When I woke, I instinctively got ready to go for a ride on my bike. This is always something I do after I face a challenge, to clear the cobwebs. That was one of my Melissa's favourite sayings; come on let's go for a ride you need to clear the cobwebs. Melissa read me like a book, she knew my every need without me having to ask. Then when reality hit and I couldn't go for a ride, I felt a lot of sadness.

I am really struggling at having to give up my bike. It feels like someone is telling me there is no more air to breathe and I am going to die a slow and painful death. Oh the memories of all our trips, all that we saw, all the fun, all the joy, all the freedom. I will have these forever to carry with me. I have so many burdens, health, work, finances, progressive hearing loss; I feel so much anticipated loss. I have been having nightmares and flashbacks again ever since the parole hearing. My bike is the best antidote and stress reliever to all of these burdens. Someone did share with me how they understand my loss because they felt the same freedom when they go for rides in their convertible. I was grateful at learning this because my brain has been percolating the idea of perhaps a convertible would give me the same freedom. However, that is out of my financial reach. Melissa left me with a lot of debt, that I was unaware of, this coupled with her having no life insurance and me bearing the cost of her funeral, etc and the fact I was not fit for work for three years after she died. It all has placed a financial strain that is wearing me down bit by bit. My bike allows me to escape it all for awhile.

Then when I thought I could feel no worse. I receive a phone call from my manger at work. Basically, he wanted to know if I could give him a date as to when I would be ready to go back to full time status. I simply said, I do not know. He seemed a little more genuinely concerned for me than usual. I did it, I let my guard down, because I had a need to receive some support, some empathy and I shared with him how I was struggling with having to give up my bike and causing me to miss Melissa some more and hurt some more. My manager said and I quote "I am surprised you are still hurting it is not like you two were a couple in the true sense of the word." I hung up on him. This is when feeling some despair happened in my day.

That is another role my bike plays when I encounter, prejudice, intolerance, and cruelty…I go for a ride…we (Melissa and I) would go for a ride. It is hard to face the cruelty in the world..alone…without my Melissa by my side…I loved her so…..

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[Dimcl]

Oh, Carol Ann, I'm so sorry that you have to go through all of this. And what kind of an insensitive clod is your manager, anyway? I'd be very careful with him. If that's his attitude and he needs you to come back fulltime, ticking him off might not be a good idea. I understand fully why you hung up on him, but employers will only bend over backward so far and then the almighty dollar takes precedence over everything else.

I'm not sure why you had to give up your bike, but, unfortunately, I can't really think of an appropriate substitute. Do you skate? How about inline skates?

It almost sounds like you need to sleep for about 48 hours. That parole hearing must have taken an awful lot out of you and although I can't imagine what you're going through, I just wanted to say that I'm thinking of you. Hugs.

Di

PS - I'm sorry, Carol Ann. When you said "bike", I thought you meant "bicycle". Makes my inline skates suggestion look downright silly.

[Steven]

You know, I really make an effort to not be angry, but it really made me mad to think that after you had such a good experience today; finally getting back to swim, that your manager had the unbelievably bad taste to do what he did. Completely inexcusable. Strong people don't do what he did--strength is gentle unless forced to be otherwise. Given the opportunity to be kind and gentle with you, he chose the opposite. I have to think it must be awful to have the kind of makeup that makes that kind of behavior possible. Someone who can do that can't possibly connect with others in the way you and Melissa connected with each other, so they can't possibly understand what you had. He will never experience the degree of loss you have because he doesn't have the capacity to love or be loved as you and Melissa do. I'm so sorry that you had to come home to that idiot's call after having reached such an important realization. But…you said it yourself--your dreams are still alive.

I know for a fact that you won't let a buffoon stop your progress, but it stinks that he had to make an appearance and make an unbelievably insensitive and stupid remark to you. I don't think hanging up was a mistake. If you were thinking anything close to what I thought when I read what he said, hanging up was far better than speaking.

Words fall short, but I hope you know that you have a group of people here who stand behind you, wish you wonderful things, are glad of your progress, and understanding of your losses. It is so difficult to have to give up your bike riding--it is very tough, and very sad, but fortunately this is not the end of your story, just the end of a chapter. For your entire life, you have refused to let others decide your fate--I don't see that changing. ~ Steve

[Guest Nicholas]

I, too, am having an awful day. The phone bill arrived and I made the mistake of going through it and, of course, there were no international calls after Dec 17, the day he went into hospital (he used to call his nephew in Thailand all the time) and then I just broke down. The finality of it all is heart-breaking.

[MartyT]

Carol Ann, I'm so sorry that you had to hear such an appalling statement from your manager ~ it must have felt like a kick in the gut. I wish we could abolish all such ignorance and insensitivity from our culture. I'm sure I'm not the only one here who'd like to give your manager a piece of my mind for hurting you like that, and I wish we could do something to protect you from such verbal abuse in the future. I suppose all we can do is encourage you to steel yourself against it when you do encounter it. I know that's easy for me to say, since I do not walk in your shoes ~ but you have my deepest sympathy anyway. Since this man is your manager, I imagine you'll have to encounter him again at some point (since I presume you'll continue to be reporting to him). For your own sake I hope you'll find a way to let him know how his stupid, ignorant comment felt to you ~ but only you can decide if it's worth your time and energy to do that.

I also hope you'll find a safe substitute for riding your motorcycle. This may be a bit far-fetched, but I'm thinking of those simulator riding machines I see in the lobbies of movie theaters ~ is there such a thing as a motorcycle-riding simulator (not unlike a flight simulator)?

In any event, I want to echo what Steven said to you, and I hope you will take his words to heart ♥

[pastmidnite]

I'm so sorry you have to deal with the insensitive jerks of the world like your manager. People are so ignorant and lack understanding too often. From reading your posts I know you have dealt with not only the insensitive comments but violent responses to your relationship and sexuality. I am always amazed by the kindness and thoughtfulness of your posts in addition to your growth of spirit that is evident. I am hoping that sharing someone else has noticed and been help will help ease your struggle as well. As you grieve your loss of your bike and search for new ways of clearing the cobwebs I'm sending you positive energy and hugs to support you in that search. Thinking of your today.

[beakerj]

Dear Carol Ann,

I'm so sorry for all the pain you're suffering. Some people (Manager, people at pool) need to learn when something they say is unkind & unnecessary, no matter what their personal opinion is. In my Organisation that comment would be reportable.

Just keep on going & listen to Steve, I'm hoping you'll find something else reachable & healthy that helps you feel free.

Love & hugs

Becka XXX

[sunstreet]

Thank you all for your support.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[sunstreet]

Dear Di,

Thank you for your support. No worries about the skate/inline skates. I figured you did not realize I was referring to my motorcycle. I don't think you clear on why I hung up on my manager though. I did not hang up because he wanted me back full time! I hung up because he belittled my loss, my pain when he suggested that Melissa and I were not a "couple" in the "true sense" Sexual orientation should not come into play at all! A couple is a couple, we all have the same love for our spouse, we all have pain when we loose our spouse! There is no couple any truer than another! WE ARE ALL EQUAL IN LOVE!!!!!! period ~ WE ARE ALL EQUAL IN DEATH!!!!!! period. And yes, I do need to sleep. I wish I could afford to go away to some spa somewhere and just get pampered!

Dear Steve,

Thank you for being angry on my behalf! It takes alot before I blow a gasket! I'll tell you though I bet what you wanted to say, is exactly what my words wanted to be and that is why I hung up! The fact still remains, I had a breakthrough yesterday, and managed to swim without weeping and actually had fun! You are beginning to now me quite well Steve. You are quie right I am not going to let a baffon like him alter my path in life! Sometimes compassion is a curse! I too feel compassion for him, for I agree he will never experience love as I have for he isn't capable. I am proud that I have the ability to have compassion for my "enemies" for lack of a better word. I agree Steve for my whole life I have not let others decide my fate. I don't see that changing either. I just get so "hurt" when I let myself trust some more and it is betrayed. Betrayal goes very deep for me and does not take much for the pain to be re-opened. Thank you so much for your comforting words...you are such a gift

Dear Nicholas,

Oh my friend, I know how you are hurting so. I am so sorry! I am almost finished your book...fantastic...thank you! I continue to hold you in gentle thought and prayer.

Dear Marty,

AS always thank you! For sure Marty, I will be talking with him in the morning. I do steel up sadly, I have had a lot of practice. It is just such sorrow though....the prejudices in our world....it is hard enough being a human....that we have to learn how to steel up at all is just so tragic in my thinking! Perhaps I am really an alien from some other planet. I know I feel like at times. Hmmn...that got the brain juices flowing...a motorcycle simulator...hmmn.

Dear Pastmidnight,

Thank you for your support very much. It means so very much to me.

Dear Becka,

Thank you for your support so much. Yes, it is a reportable offense in my workplace too! However, I do not plan to report it. I just plan to talk with my manager. I am giving him some slack though admittedly, as his Father is dying from pancreatic cancer, and I do know he is under extreme stress at work, like he says, when I am not at work, he has to bring in two people to cover one of me. The sting of what he said, goes deep, but in fairness to him, he is not aware of my history! Now it sounds like I am making excuses for him! See what I mean sometimes compassion is a curse!

Thank you all so very much! I needed that!

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[kayc]

Carol Ann,

I feel you are making such strides...with that comes both pain and triumph. It sounds to me like your Melissa was to you much like my George was to me. We were always able to read each other, to feel one another's hearts, and to be there for each other in such a positive way. I have never had another relationship that comes even close.

It sounds like you are going through what so many of us are...with each change, each new loss, we feel it brings us further away from them. Like your having to give up your bike. Or someone giving up their home. Letting loose of anything we once shared, be it a possession or an activity, brings the loss home to us all the more. In reality though, it's all part of the progression we go through in this journey to discovery...the discovery that it is not the things or activities even that bonded us...but rather the love, and that love can never be taken away. We will forever hold that special love in our hearts. Sometimes even those who remain go through life altering experiences...Christopher Reeves comes to my mind...he lost his abilities, his life as he knew it, and yet he didn't let that hold him down. http://www.rolemodel.net/christopherreeve.cfm

Your boss was worse than anything I can write here. You did well to hang up on him. What he said may even be a sue-able offense. People like him are blind and ignorant. It's too bad he didn't know you and Melissa better, what a wonderful relationship you had, what a jerk! There is nothing that could be said in retort to his blatantly ignorant verbiage.

Carol Ann, hold in your heart what you and Melissa shared and try your best not to let others get you down...try not to give them the power to hurt you or change anything about you. You are a strong, sensitive, caring, intelligent being. You have been through so much in life, but it has not been in vain, for it has molded you into the wonderful person you are. If you had been born with a silver spoon in your mouth, had a "normal" life, you might not have developed the character and depth that is now yours. This is what I have learned...I have been through so much in my life that others haven't, and I've wondered on occasion why have I been singled out to go through all that I have while others seem to sail through life without the pain and hardship and struggle? Because, this is my blessing. If I had not been through an abusive mother and an alcoholic father, if I had not endured beatings at the hands of others, if I had not gone through the adverse conditions of my birth and all that I went through with my extended family (a story in itself), if I had not had a quadriplegic sister, if I had not gone through the loss of my sweet stepchild (through his mother taking him, not through death), if I had not gone through divorces, and loss of a husband to death, if I had not had my heart broken countless times, had not been through a con, if I did not know financial struggle or physical adversity...how could I begin to understand anything, anyone? For these things are what have made me into who I am and what I know today. God has been there with me through all of these things and more and is with me still, and understands what no one else does. Every now and then I learn of some gossip going around about myself or someone else and it grieves me because those partaking in it have no clue what they're talking about, the destruction it lends, let alone what the truth of the matter is. People hurt with their words, but we have the power to give ointment to wounds and we should be doing it!

I know how you feel about your biking, because it's much how I feel with my walks in nature. Last night I broke my big toe (it was a smash so it's worse than just a break) and I struggled to take just a short limping walk and I know it's not going to be easy doing what I have to do, and it's going to be difficult to work through the pain and hopefully it's something that will eventually heal without lasting affects. They don't do much about toes...they don't cast them, so what I have to live with is what I will be left with. It sounds so silly, but it's very painful. I had an injury to my finger 2 1/2 years ago and it made it so very difficult to walk my dogs with it, it incapacitated the use of that finger for a couple of years, and even now it's not the same, but pain or no pain, I kept going and did my best with it. I know you have much that you suffer and it's not of a temporary nature, yet you continue keeping going the best you can...I can only pray that God will richly reward you for it in ways only He can comprehend.

John and I were into biking...it has been 2 1/2 years since I've gotten to ride...it hurts to have my leathers just stored away and know that part of my life is gone, but it seems life has it's phases and that one has passed...even though I miss the Harley part of it.

[sunstreet]

Dear Kay,

Thank you for your support. Thank you and I agree I am making huge strides. I also notice your great growth as well. I am happy for you that you experienced such a love as well. I can not imagine there will ever be another for me. I do not think it wrong and I do not judge anyone who goes on to find another. Steven said it best to describe what I feel, in that my brain seems to be held hostage, in that I would feel like I was cheating.

Yes, I know what you are referring to and I do feel sorrow, reflecting on all that my bike was in our life together. I can't say that I am feeling that I am being taken away further from Melissa. Rather it has if anything brought her closer to me. For the longest time, I did not want to let her go even though she had died. I wanted to keep her here in body some how, even though she wasn't any longer. The only way I can describe it with words is I had to "let her go" and when I let myself do that is when I felt her dwelling within me with such a force, I wept in joy! Melissa resides in my soul, in heaven, in the air that I breathe, in the wind that blows, in the flower that blooms, in the waves that lap against the shore. Melissa is everywhere now to me. I could not feel more loved nor more joy!

Letting go of my bike, has been one more of mourning another death. My bike is life to me and it feels I am mourning the death of life. Life as I know it. I really like the image that Steven offered and that is to think on this as an ending to this "chapter" in life and not an ending to "life" it self. These words truly helped me to reframe my thinking from mourning the end of life as I know it to excitement about life's next chapter.

Thank you for the Christopher Reeves link. I actually already had it in my favourites. Thank you for feeling angry over how my manager verbally abused me. I was very angry, initially, and that is why I hung up. In the end though, his words were not said intending to belittle, or negate my love for Melissa or my pain His words came from a place of not knowing and I have been given the opportunity to teach him to know. Yes, I agree it is too bad that he did not know my Melissa better. It is too bad and extremely sad, that we had to hide away and gave into the fear of what my family might do if they found out about her. Painfully, all our hiding was not able to keep them from acting out their ignorance in the darkest way than man knows. My heart weeps for them for I don't believe they will ever know what life can be like out of the darkness. My heart despises them for what they made my Melissa endure. The best I can do in life is to continue to live in the Light, and hope and pray, that by my example others will find the courage to begin their climb and rise up out of the darkness and into the Light.

I am right along with you Kay in the thinking that all that I have survived in my life has been my blessing. You and I are a minority in this thinking, but more and more, others are coming to this understanding too.

I am happy to know that you also know the "freedom" that biking offers. I am sorry that you too have this loss. I have never driven a Harley. My bike is a Yamaha XS 1100, with full faring, saddlebags, purple tank with the words "count your blessings", and it is in pristine condition. Crazy or not, I believe my bike has a soul!

I want to end with Kay with letting you know that I am just so very sorry for all that you have to survive and endure. I am truly blessed to have met you.

I wish you continued peace and healing.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[kayc]

Carol Ann,

You are right in your assessment of your boss...if people only knew and understood, very few would act in such hateful ways, but the truth is, they don't mean to be, they are in fact, just ignorant. But that doesn't excuse what they do and they should be accountable for their actions, their words, even their hateful thoughts. When I look at the injustice in this world, I just shake my head, I don't understand it, I don't see why people can't better themselves, why they can't make the effort to understand others, to tolerate that which they don't understand, to simply...care.

I remember when George died...my ex brother in law called me and said he knew how I felt because he lost his bird. His BIRD!! And then as he went on to talk, I discovered not only is he comparing the loss of my husband to his loss of a bird, but his bird didn't even die! His bird was gone for one day! LOL I was upset at the time, but in looking back now, I have to laugh. The truth is, he was trying to relate, the only way he knew how. He still has his bird, Oscar, they've had it for ten years now and they love him dearly. I have a dog I love with all my heart...I can see how upsetting it would be to someone if I compared the loss of that dog to their loss of their spouse...yet to me, at this time in my life, that dog is everything to me...he is all that I have. People try to relate where sometimes they'd be better off just NOT...but eventually we learn to take them at the meaning behind their words, and not only the words spoken.

You are a beautiful person. Gosh your bike sounds beautiful, and purple too! I love purple! Do you have a picture of it you could post?

I'll try to post our Ultraglide, we enjoyed it so much, but alas it's gone with my previous life.

[DrowningMan]

Carol Ann,

So sorry to hear that your manager was so unkind while you were hurting, and that you are having to deal with yet another "layer" of grief as you have to give up your bike. I can't image what makes people say the dumb things they say sometimes! I hope your manager regretted his cruel words to you, but as I know you know, his saying them doesn't make them true, it just makes him a doofus! I am praying for courage and strength to rise up even higher within you, and that gentle souls will be brought into your life to give you respite, understanding, and gentleness. Also that if bike riding is not an option for a time, that other things that bring you joy will be readily available to you. Hang in there! Sending you a long-distance hug.

[sunstreet]

Dear Kay,

Thanks again! No, the understanding of why some choose to be abusive does not EXCUSE them in the least. If we can step back from our self and are woundedness and look objectively at the person who is being abusive. We can then begin to understand that the fault lies with them and not a reflection of us at all. I had a very good conversation with my manager yesterday. He still has a long way to go in evolving but at least I feel better for having used my voice and not be silent about that which is abusive towards me. In fact, the conversation we had, actually led to another comment he made which still has me feeling like, I have worked alongside this man for so long, and did not really know him at all. What he said was, you wouldn't know that I was gay by looking at me as I look "so normal" Sometimes you just have to shake your head and walk away. Anyhow, as time permits and my health allows, I will continue to have conversations with my manager.

Kay, for sure I understand how your dog is " everything to you". My cat is "everything to me" I am sure you know so well, the bond, us humans can have with our animal companions. In fact, they are our family.

Thank you for sharing a picture of your bike. I hope you won't be offended but to up load a picture of my bike so publicly is more than I feel safe to do so at this point in my healing. That has nothing to do with you or any of you here and everything to do with my history! I am asking for your patience as I get further away from the memories of what my family has done to me and perhaps then I could extend and expose myself like that.....OK?

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[Dimcl]

Dear Di,

I don't think you clear on why I hung up on my manager though. I did not hang up because he wanted me back full time! I hung up because he belittled my loss, my pain when he suggested that Melissa and I were not a "couple" in the "true sense"

No, no, Carol Ann, I understood exactly why you were angry with your manager. What I was trying to say (badly, by the looks of it), is that anybody that obtuse and insensitive is a moron and he may or may not have understand why you hung up on him, but he will incorporate that part of the conversation into the reason you can't come back fulltime. That was his reason for calling you in the first place and I would bet that all's he's thinking about is that an employee hung up on him. Given his attitude about you and Melissa, he's bound to think that you weren't justified in that action. I was just trying to caution you about that. Sorry.

[sunstreet]

Dear DM,

Thank you so much for your support! I am so happy to hear from you again. I hope also that you feel a little less like you are drowning now. Yes, I think my manager has regret that his "words" caused me to hurt. In retrospect, I think it was a blessing really. For yesterday the conversation we had went beyond the surface for both of us. My manger is Asian, and his family had to flee the country where they are from because his Father was speaking out against the Government. My manager has had a lot of trauma in his life that I was unaware of until yesterday. It certainly provided me with a greater understanding where his intolerance comes from towards gay people. So in reality, even though at times what is given to us causes us great pain and suffering, it also can bring us blessings if we so choose it to be so.

Thank you again so very much and I am ever so grateful to know you are still here! I am sending you a long - distance hug back! I am so PROUD of you!

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[MartyT]

Carol Ann, how wonderful that you were willing and able to have a heart-to-heart conversation with your manager ~ and I, for one, am very proud of YOU. ♥

[kayc]

Carol Ann,

It could be that you are meant to be in your manager's life so he can learn and evolve from where he is and was.

I understand, please don't feel you need to share any pictures or anything, continue to follow your heart's lead in how much you choose to expose to us or not. It is different for me as John and I divorced...I had cherished all that we had and shared until I discovered it was a sham...I feel differently about it now. Totally different than I did about all that George and I shared...I will continue to cherish all of my memories with him as they were real and valid.

[sunstreet]

No, no, Carol Ann, I understood exactly why you were angry with your manager. What I was trying to say (badly, by the looks of it), is that anybody that obtuse and insensitive is a moron and he may or may not have understand why you hung up on him, but he will incorporate that part of the conversation into the reason you can't come back fulltime. That was his reason for calling you in the first place and I would bet that all's he's thinking about is that an employee hung up on him. Given his attitude about you and Melissa, he's bound to think that you weren't justified in that action. I was just trying to caution you about that. Sorry.

Dear Di,

Thank you so much. It is I who would like to say sorry to you for my misinterpretation. No need for you to apologize at all...we are good!

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[sunstreet]

Carol Ann, how wonderful that you were willing and able to have a heart-to-heart conversation with your manager ~ and I, for one, am very proud of YOU. ♥

Oh dear Marty, thank you so very much...I needed someone to be PROUD of me so very much! ~ Carol Ann

[sunstreet]

Carol Ann,

It could be that you are meant to be in your manager's life so he can learn and evolve from where he is and was.

I understand, please don't feel you need to share any pictures or anything, continue to follow your heart's lead in how much you choose to expose to us or not. It is different for me as John and I divorced...I had cherished all that we had and shared until I discovered it was a sham...I feel differently about it now. Totally different than I did about all that George and I shared...I will continue to cherish all of my memories with him as they were real and valid.

Dear Kay,

Thanks for your undersanding about my need to share at a pace that feels safe to me. Know that it has no reflection on you or anyone here. It has everything to do with what I have witnessed and survived.

Again Kay, I am so sorry for what you to have had to overcome!

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[Korina]

You said in part of your post that your compassion is a curse. I think your compassion makes you a very special and wonderful person. That said, not a person to be pushed around, as you have demonstrated.

Korina

[sunstreet]

Dear Korina,

How wonderful to hear from you again. Thank you for your compliment, and I am proud actually that I am a person who has the ability to show compassion. Thank you for reminding me that it is not a curse...

I pray you are doing well.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[kayc]

I agree, it's what makes you so very special!

[sunstreet]

I agree, it's what makes you so very special!

Thank you so very much Kay ~ Carol Ann