Too Much Loss....all At Once...my Heart Hurts

[maggiet]

I am releived that I happened across this site looking for ways to decrease the pain in my heart. Thank Goodness!

My name is Maggie and I am 43 years old. I am the divorced mother of three wonderful kids aged 7, 8, 14. My Ex and I shared custody of the kids and he spent alot of time with them. We were not friendly with each other, but always put the kids first. I had moved on with my life and I was in a beautiful loving relationship for 4 years with the man who I thought was my life partner. On October 18, 2010, I received a phone call from my Ex's sister that he was found that morning dead from Carbon Monodixe poisoning. The weeks following were a blur but my main concern was putting the kids needs first and getting them through this terrible time. In the weeks that have followed, I noticed myself becoming angry toward my boyfriend, who I loved very, very much. I felt confused and angry and felt that I didn't know how to grieve the loss of my Ex and really didn't pay attention to my needs as I was trying hard to be there for my kids. Well...just before Christmas, I am soooo angry at my bf that I toss him out of the house and tell him that our relationship is over. I started to cry and feel that I had been cheated out of alot of things with my ex and feel that my kids will miss out on alot of in their lives.

My bf came back over Christmas to see if we could work things out. I told him about how I was feeling and what I felt that I was dealing with and he told me that he felt that it was a "farce" and just an excuse to not make good choices.

Well, to make a very long three month story short....here I sit trying to deal with the loss of my Ex...(not too sure how I am supposed to feel) and also the loss of my one true love!

My heart is breaking all over the place. I am trying to be strong for my kids but I feel alone and scared and messed up.

My Ex and I were embroiled in a court battle over child support and he was irresponsible financially and emotionally with the kids and I carried 8 years of anger towards him. I am sad that there was no resolve to that and I don't know where or how to compartmenalize the angry feelings. My last words to him were not kind and for that I feel guilty. I feel sooo much pain for my kids. Only the kind of pain a mother can feel.

My bf obviously did not understand the effects and I do realize that he has his own baggage he is carrying. I was not supportive and was self centred and self absorbed through the whole funeral process.

I have sought out counselling but have to wait a week to see someone. My ex left no provisions for the kids in terms of life insurance and was so far in debt that I have had to seek legal advice to protect the kids and myself from the government.

I miss my bf so much...although I don't know why when he has been so insensative and I am reeling from the everlasting effects of my ex's death....

Day 1 of posts....with more to come

Marg

[debbylh]

Marg Today is my first post too. I found this site by browsing. I lost my husband Oct. 5,2010. he inhaled from whip crem cartridges & was wearing women clothing. I found him when I got home from work. My kids are older. They think he died of a heart attack,(I don't want them to know). I need to seek counseling. I will be selling my home,(can't afford by myself). Need to find a home for my dogs,(can't have in apartment). I am still paying off his charge card bills. I'm learning to pay my own bills, etc. My kids help me a lot, which I am thakful. I am new to this site to. I haven't gone to counseling yet, but know I need too. Also I don't drive!

[kayc]

debby,

I don't know anything about whip cream cartridges but as for the women's clothing...

Your husband was a crossdresser. You can learn a lot about it from crossdressers.com You have to post ten posts before you can apply to the FAB (females at birth) commonly referred to as GGs (genetic girls). The FAB section is a private section where significant others of CDers can post safely and privately. It is a good place to go to in order to get your questions answered.

Approximately 10% of the male population are CDers, most of them are in the closet, so to speak. It is not widely understood and accepted by the general population, so they usually keep it secret. They value their relationships so they often choose to hide this part of themselves. Do they choose to be this way? No. Are they ashamed and embarrassed? Usually. It takes them a long time to come to terms with it. Often they buy femme clothes and then purge, only to have to buy again. It's expensive to keep doing this. Sometimes they stash them in a storage locker, or a friend's place to keep from being discovered. I am very sorry you had to discover it this way. It's very hard when your loved one passes away and then you discover their secrets. It makes you want to make them come back and answer your questions! I am so very sorry. It hurts to be deceived. Try to remember that he did so to try and protect your relationship...that doesn't make it right, but it helps if you can understand his dilemma. There's no need to tell your kids, it would be hard for them as it would change who they know their dad to be. If it was discovered while he was alive it might be different because he could explain his actions to them, but that's not the case.

I strongly feel you need a safe outlet to go to, and that's why I suggested the above website. At first I would avoid the male to female section, it can be a bit much to handle, understanding that they live in a fantasy world that often has little to do with reality. To get your ten posts in, go to the Loved Ones section. When you apply to FAB section, the moderator does a phone interview with you just to make sure you're really who you say you are and there for right reasons. The moderators are very understanding good people, as most of the FAB section is.

It's all a bit shocking...hard enough to discover your husband dead without all that. Know you are not alone in discovering secrets afterwards. You will work through it all. It helps to try and remember the whole of the person, not just the isolated bits and pieces, in time you'll be able to accept him as is, but it does take time.

You are already making such great strides, paying bills, etc. I'm so glad you have your kids there for you.

Feel free to IM me any time.

(((hugs)))

Kay

[kayc]

Marg,

I am so sorry for both the loss of your ex and the breakup with your BF. That is a whole lot to handle. You were right to put your kids' needs first, but it's also important for you to address your own needs. Right now you need loving support and not someone else's baggage. You will undoubtedly miss your BF for some time...sometimes we feel something is better than nothing, but that's not always true. Right now you need to get through the loss of your ex and help your children deal with their grief. It's not uncommon to grieve for your ex, even if there was anger and issues, because there was a time when it wasn't all that way, and so we grieve the good times and memories...understanding that was the other person that shared the common bonds with your children. Is there some way you could see an attorney to help you sort out your legal rights in providing for and protecting your children's interests?

Perhaps it'd be good to just take a break from men for a while and concentrate on you and the kids. It's hard when we've been there for everyone else but then they aren't there for us when we need them. When that happens it's good to recognize that for whatever reasons, they just aren't sufficient for us and not expect anything from them...but it's also good to protect yourself and not keep giving to those kind of people either. Some people will suck the blood right out of us if given the chance.

How is your ex' family? Do they care about the kids? Would they be supportive towards you and the kids or do you feel they are more enemy territory?

Whatever you do, do not accept blame for what your ex chose to do. He had some coping problems or he wouldn't have let it come to this. YOU did not do it. And we cannot make anyone else do something, we are responsible for ourselves, they are responsible for themselves...it is important for you to keep that in mind.

I'm glad you're seeking counsel, that will be good. It would be good for the kids too, there are grief counselors that specialize in dealing with children, sometimes through art therapy or role play, it's just good for them to get their feelings out and sometimes they need help in expressing themselves.

My heart goes out to you.

Kay

PS Both of you can post in the loss of spouse section...there are others that have posted about their ex or their significant other, and it gets a lot more traffic than the loss of loved ones section. You can ask a moderator to repost this over there or you can copy and paste into a new thread there, it's up to you, you're welcome either place.

Edited January 25, 2011 by MartyT
Link added

[debbylh]

Kay, Thanks for the reply. I checked out a site called CDwives.com. It made me sad & depressed. I'll let you know if I check out the site. Took a me day today. Got my hair done & just relaxing. Thanks for listening.

[sunstreet]

I just want to extend my deepest sympathies to you both. You have found a wonderfull safe site here to talk. I encourage you to keep coming, keep talking. I welcome you both and pray you find this site as the blessing that I have and you find your way through this path of grief and loss.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[kayc]

debby,

It really does take time to learn and adjust to a CDing partner and to do so after his death is all the harder. I guarantee you, if you end up in the FAB section of crossdressers.com, you will be embraced by some very caring women...they are some of the best women in the world, as diverse as they are, they are from all over the world, just struggling to understand and learn and grow...they are devoted to their partner...some of them have had to let go, some of them have made it...no one judges, just holds out a hand.

I am just so sorry for your loss, but at the same time, I admire you for your strong spirit, you will make it through even this.

Marg,

Are you doing okay? Let us hear from you...

Kay

[debbylh]

Yes, I'm doing ok. Had a auction in Nov.(had a lot of tools). My husband was a auto tech. Now I am trying to find a home for my two dogs. In Feb. the house goes up for sale. I will find an apartment when my house is sold then. Oh, on top of it all I don't drive! I have very good caring friends 7 family. my husbands dad is like a father to me,(he lives out of town). I am a CNA at a nursing home,(been one for over 30 years). My house is near no stores, etc. so my kids take me to the store, etc. i get daily prayers from a different grief web site. It helps. I hate nights & eating alone. I will survive. Thank you for caring & listening.

[kayc]

Just remember that you and your husband loved each other and that love survives even death, even secrets. Hold on to that.

You'll be okay, you have a really good support system and you have a job, both are very important. Take care and keep coming here.

[maggiet]

he would understand what it felt like to feel the loss that I feel for my kids. I am surprised that he said that it was a farce, and that he does not think that that it should be hurtful. I think that most men feel that way. That they beleive that it should make it easier that your Ex has died or that things should just go on the same as they were before. Nonetheless, I am really feeling alone and helpless. It sucks.

As I am the one who kicked him out and isolated him, I guess I can only blame myself.

Day 2 of posting....pain still there...but at least I can carry on a conversation today without crying in everyones face.

[debbylh]

Maggiet I feel as you do. Your bf sound like he his self centered. You can go on without him. Do you have parents or family near by that can help with the children? My husband died from inhaling too(cartridges from a whip cream mixer). My children are older. I get daily e-mails from a website that helps me. It is www.griefshare.org. I have plenty days that i cry & cry too. That is part of the griefing. We are here to listen to you. Take care. Hang in there.

[maggiet]

Hi. Self centered or too damAged to be able to help me. Either way my heart is hurting and I am trying to find ways to move on. My ex did not do this to himself. It was an accident while sleeping with a generator on for heat on a boat. I think that I may have been able to cope easier had we not fallen apart but I guess we fell apart due to the stress of the grief??!!

This is a very difficult life experience for me and I will be thankful for the passage of time !!!

[debbylh]

No, it isn't easy or fair. Give the kids a big hug & relax(try) with a cup of coffee or a cappicunio. I will be thinking of you. I'm hear to listen..

[kayc]

Marg,

I'm glad to hear he didn't take his own life, that it was an accident.

Your exBF may be feeling left out because he was given the boot and then you're crying over your exH, he just doesn't get it. You may get past his not being there for you when you needed him with time, you may not, but either way, we're here for you and you'll get through this.

[debbylh]

I'm doing ok today. Hope everyone else is too. Packing stuff to keep & not. (Knick knacks).

[kayc]

I hope you've given yourself ample time before having to sort through things. In the earlier months it's very hard to think straight, let alone have to deal with stuff like that. Do you have a trusted friend you could share with and maybe have her help you? I found it helps a lot if you don't have to do it alone.

[debbylh]

My children are helping me sort through stuff. Thanks for caring..

[maggiet]

I'm doing ok today. Hope everyone else is too. Packing stuff to keep & not. (Knick knacks).

Hello Today: I am just a little sad today...I am surprised that I have not had any melt downs with tears and overwhelming sadness!! It was a calmer day...

I think that maybe I have moved from the "sad" stage of losing the boyfriend and am moving into the "angry" stage...The more I think about what I have had to deal with in the last three months and the lack of understanding and support that he was willing to give me and the kids...well to tell you the truth...it makes me angry!

I sent him a message the other day telling him that I missed him and that if he gave me some time, we might be able to figure things out...and he replied only using references to what I did to him and how he was feeling and how my actions affected him...all the while, I am trying to figure out my place in the greiving process for my Ex...I am trying to figure out how to get my kids through the loss of their dad...I am trying to figure out a settled way for myself to have to deal with him family for the rest of my life in regards to the kids...and all he was worried about was what I did to HIM??? Gawd Help Me!! where did I find this guy...that is what I have been thinking to myself (but on the other hand...I miss him and his laughter and his smile and how we had enjoyed each others company)...

But that is not all of my story...my oldest daughter (14 yrs) had been experiencing sweating and shortness of breath and tiredness...I though it all contributed to the death and the break up of my boyfriend and me...so I took her for tests last week and got a call back from the doctor today...she is being referred to a cardiologist as they have found a serious heart condition!!

How much more can one person handle in such a short time period!!??? Some moments I feel like I am going to crack and then there are moments when I find absolute peace in knowing that if I can handle these times...I will be able to get through anything!!

Just thought I would let you all in on my day! Hope everyone is finding a reason to smile today!

[debbylh]

It takes time for things to get better. You need to focus on yourself & children for now. The doctors will help you get through it with your daughter. I have crying days, sad days, & angry days. They are all part of our griefing. Put the bf on hold for now. Maybe he will eventually come around to except everything. I had a pretty good day off today. Got some things organized. Did some relaxing too. Might of found a foster home for my dogs,(coming to meet dogs next week). Take care.

[maggiet]

Today is not such a good day...I am weepy and sad and can't seem to find a focus that will take my mind off of all that I have had to go through this last 3 months.

So here I am ... typing away in hopes that it releives the pressure that is mounting in my heart.

The death of my Ex and what role it plays in my everyday life with the children that we shared is overwhelming at times. Last night was not a good night for my little one...she misses her dad and his gf at the time of his death and beleive it or not...the gf's dog. There were once again tears and confusion for her and I am working towards getting her more settled in her "new" normal.

I was able to phone the ex's gf today and we have set up a visit so that my little one feels like she is getting what she needs in terms of comfort...a very difficult task for me as we were not friendly during my ex's life and having his family involved in my life has been another adjustment...

Boy oh Boy...in the last 3 months there have been alot of adjustments. The loss of my Ex and my childrens father, the loss of my boyfriend whom I loved very much, then the involvement with my Ex's family into my life (which was non existant after our break up), our (my kids and I) adjustment to a new lifestyle of not having the everyother weekend away from each other, the sole responsiblity of providing emotional support to children who are adjusting to the death of their dad....And I am sure the list could go on if I had the energy to type it all!!!

Who would have thought that the death of my ex would of changed my life so much??? He was an ex...I was not in love with him...so why am I so sad and confused and twisted about it all????

[MartyT]

Maggie, dear, you asked why am I so sad and confused and twisted about it all???? and yet you've just cited ~ oh, I don't know ~ maybe 7382 reasons why. Your ex's death has had a major ripple effect on your own life and on that of your children ~ you can count the ways! Is it really any wonder that you're feeling sad, confused and twisted? You will find your way through all of this, one day, one hour, one moment at a time, but please don't expect to be able to do it all at once. It's like trying to eat an elephant all at once. If the bites you take are too big, you will choke. Make sure you take a look at this thread, posted just a few minutes after yours appeared: Stanford Study on Grief ♥

[debbylh]

It is so true. We must take one day at a time. Right now I have finding a home for my dogs,(have 3 potentials so far). Then My house goes up for sale & on & on. I try to stay focused on just the dogs for now. Too much & I get stressed out.

[kayc]

Marg,

I'm sorry I haven't been on line more, I've been working extra long hours and I broke my toe and hurt my back so it's slowed me down.

I am very sorry to learn of your daughter's medical situation, you have our prayers.

Right now I think you have a lot on your plate that requires your focus, maybe it's best to put the exBF issue on the back burner for a while. On loveshack.org in the breakups and reconciliation section, they advise giving it some time with no contact, usually several months, before revisiting things...sometimes that time is needed to protect whatever love is left and to give people a chance to see how life would be without that person, if they truly miss them, etc...they usually want you to heal inside before considering trying again. Right now you just have so much to deal with and I know you'd like his supportiveness and care, but maybe he's not able to be that right now. Try to surround yourself with those who are positive and caring, and remember you have us to talk to too. (((hugs)))

Kay

[kayc]

Debby,

How goes the search for a home for your doggies? You're in my thoughts...

Kay

[debbylh]

I have a couple that are coming to look at the dogs Sunday,(she wants to keep them together). Sound good. Otherwise Two Left Paws(they foster dogs till they are adopted) are calling back Monday. Otherwise Furry Bottoms (another place that fosters dogs) is coming next week to see the dogs. Looks like I have 3 good potentials. Had a good day with my oldest daughter today. We went shopping & out for lunch. For supper I took her & her husband out for supper. Home spending time with the dogs now. Thank you for caring. Hope you back & leg get better. Take care..