We Need Each Other

[kayc]

This has been an incredible journey, these past 6 1/2 weeks. It seems like a lifetime already. We're learning things. We're survivors. There's no such thing as "pass" or "fail" at this grieving business...there's only our best. And some days are better than others. That's why we need to share with each other regularly, because when one is down and the other is having a better day, that one can encourage and lift up the one who is down. Or the person who is down can have hope that every day will not be like that. We need each other. This is the hardest journey you will undoubtedly ever face and most likely no one will understand what you're going through...unless they themselves have been there. You don't browse through this site for something to do...you come here because you're going through this same thing. You're reaching out. So many of you who have shared your raw feelings of pain, and yes, sometimes even some victory, I feel like I know you, and I pray for you and lift you up. God knows we can all use that. I am trying to get a grief support group going here in this small little town, there's a lot of people grieving. Many of us live alone and lost the only person who ever gave us a hug, who shared our hopes and dreams, who shared about your day and how it went, the person you shared your meals with, your holidays with, your vacations...the person who was essentially EVERYTHING to you. So it is essential that we get out there and meet people, make friends, find someone to give you a hug, someone who will listen and share with you, and who better than someone who is also going through this? I am very happy for my husband, he is safe, he is happy, he is in that wonderful place we now all long for...but for myself, I am going to have to make something of this rubble that is left of my life. I am going to have to give it meaning, hope, purpose. I am interested in whatever positive insights you have gleaned from your own journey! Tell me what keeps you going and how you are tackling it. Let me hear from you...thank you.

[ustwo]

KayC, how wonderful that you are able to begin to turn this grief toward a positive direction. I wish I could. 7 1/2 weeks and I still can't move. I don't cry all day every day anymore but I just can't seem to move forward. I know I have to at some point. I know that's what Gene would expect of me. I just can't seem to get beyond thinking. I don't want to hear the word "widow". Then there's all this "business" that I have to take care of...phone calls...forms to fill out with the two dreaded check boxes..."single/married". I couldn't even make it through my dental appt yesterday without falling apart. How am I suppose to hold myself together to be able to get out and face life? I've made plans in my head....volunteer at the humane society.....go find a little part time job to start with....ways to get back into the world. I just can't take that first step now. I really don't know how my days go by between sunup and sundown. They just go. Perhaps soon I'll find the courage to do something. KayC, it is good that you have found your path and are beginning the next journey. I pray that God and Gene help me as I can't do this alone right now. I hope I know when the "time is right" as people say. Gene is my world and he's not coming down the hall this morning to smile and give me a hug...to share a day with me. So I spend my day waiting....on what I do not know.

I'm so sorry I can't put out a postive note this day. But I am hopeful knowing that you are encouraged by your days.

I miss you Gene,

Always!

[WaltC]

I am very happy for my husband, he is safe, he is happy, he is in that wonderful place we now all long for...but for myself, I am going to have to make something of this rubble that is left of my life.  I am going to have to give it meaning, hope, purpose.  I am interested in whatever positive insights you have gleaned from your own journey! 

Kayc

I am so happy for you - congratulations on your strength and active work to help others.

I am also relieved that my wife no longer suffers from the pain that she had for the last few years of her life.

Unfortunately for me I have not seen any measureable progress over the past 16 weeks. I realize that we will all take a different length of time to accommodate our loss and move on to a more positive outlook that our spouses would want us to do.

I have been told by others that until I want to move on I will never be able to do so. My background training in Psychology and my career in management training and Personnel (HR) work tells me that is true.

However, my over 40 years of marriage to one wonderful lady tells me that I can NEVER EVER replace her and that any attempt to do so will only result in even more pain - if that's possible.

I do apologize for being so negative, but there is a small percentage of grievors who don't try to move forward. If they don't try. then they, like me, are doomed to a life of misery.

However, I really do get some comfort from reading these posts and realizing that many, many people do survive and go forward to help others have a better life.

Thanks for your encouragement

Evelyn

Hang in there. I trust that your time for more positive feelings will come soon.

You know that Gene wants you to be happy and that thought will continue to motivate your actions.

I wish you well.

[kayc]

Thank you for your reply. I understand what you're saying. I deeply resent people's comments when they assume one will "find someone else"; it took me my whole life to find George, we were soulmates, extremely close, it was a very special relationship. I will never replace him. There is no one like him! What I am trying to do is accept that now I am alone and I must learn to do this life whether I want to or not or like it or not. I have to learn to live without his arms around me physically, I have to learn to live without being able to talk over our day and get any kind of audible feedback (if I do get some, just check me in somewhere!). I must learn to get dressed without that appreciative, taking-in glance that I always received from him. I must learn to live without his twinkling eyes and exuberant personality...except in my memories. I must learn to mow the lawn, take out the trash, paint the deck, fix the roof, and do the recycling. For all the things I can't learn...the welding, fixing anything intricate, I must find someone who can. I must get used to the quietness of the house and driving alone and walking alone and eating alone. I don't like this. But it's mine and I must learn to live it. You are right, it is a choice we make as to how we are to do it. But I'm afraid if I don't choose to do it I will be in much worse shape and it will fare much harder on my grown children than if I try.

To have such a long life together as you had, you are very fortunate. My dad died just short of my folks' 40th anniversary...my mom has had to do it alone for 23+ years now. It IS hard. I hope I don't have that long to do.

[ustwo]

Walt, you could no more replace Jean than you could the sun. If we could just get to the point where days are filled with nothing but beautiful memories.......that's all it would take to make me happy. What Gene and I have...what you and Jean have.......it's a once in a life time....it's forever.

There just has to be a reason we are still here. If I could just find a purpose. I have to find the courage to be in the world. I'm so tired of people saying "I know you miss him". They don't understand it's more than that.......no words can speak my broken heart.

Our loves don't expect anything of us beyond going on to the next day. Jean would not wish misery in your life Walt. Gene left in peace....I know that's what he wants for me.....peace.

Always Gene!

Always!

[kayc]

Today I saw a counselor. He talked about all the stages I'd go through before I'd get to "closure". I started crying, I said I didn't want closure. He asked me to describe what I thought closure meant. I said like shutting the door and I said I could never do that, would never do that. I told him he didn't understand, George and I aren't perfect people but our relationship was perfect. We always thought the best, had faith in each other, understood each other, loved each other, had the other's best in mind. Anyway he told me that closure didn't mean what I thought of in the clinical sense of the word, he said it meant more like acceptance. Anyway, I'm getting a grief support group going here and the counselor ordered a leader's guide and some materials for me. Wish me luck! There are so many people going through this...maybe there always have been and I just wasn't aware because I wasn't there myself. But this is absolutely the hardest hurdle I've ever had to cross. I love my George and I always will. And if one more person dares infer that I will have someone else someday, I won't be responsible for my actions! Or if one more person tries to minimize what I'm going through just because we weren't blessed enough to have a long marriage...they don't understand, we had the best relationship of anyone I've ever seen, young or old, long-time married or not. We have been close from day one. You can't replace that! The counselor said there's no guarantee that we'll ever see each other again or even know each other if we do. I told him that when Jesus got his resurrected body he was recognizable and they were able to touch him and he knew them and they knew him. And it says we will be like him when we get our resurrected bodies, so it should be the same for us. I just don't believe for a second that we could not know each other. My sister said of all of the accounts of people who have literally died and then their hearts started back up again, they were met by someone they knew that had passed on before them and led towards a light. I believe George will be there to guide me when it is my time to go.

Yesterday I got a surprise in the mail from my little sister...it had a picture frame that said "Little One"...that is what George always called me. She put our wedding picture in it, my favorite one where we're leaning our heads on each other and smiling. We look so happy...we were. I don't think people understand, I don't want to "move on" as in "away from him", that's not happening...but I do want a positive attitude and actions and yes, purpose. If I can help anyone through a time like this...I can't say it'd make it worthwhile, I'm not sure anything could, but it could lend some meaning to this suffering. God be with each of you and the loved one you're dreaming of.

[spela]

The counselor said there's no guarantee that we'll ever see each other again or even know each other if we do.

And he calls himself a couselor????

How am I suppose to hold myself together to be able to get out and face life? I've made plans in my head....volunteer at the humane society.....go find a little part time job to start with....ways to get back into the world. I just can't take that first step now. I really don't know how my days go by between sunup and sundown. They just go.

Ustwo, I know what you mean. 6 months - more than 6 months and still, I feel like I'm stuck in a timeless zone, as I wrote to my friend from this forum, and it just doesn't seem real that the days do bo by and things happen around.

[WaltC]

.....if one more person dares infer that I will have someone else someday, I won't be responsible for my actions!  Or if one more person tries to minimize what I'm going through just because we weren't blessed enough to have a long marriage...they don't understand....

... counselor said there's no guarantee that we'll ever see each other again or even know each other if we do.

...I believe George will be there to guide me when it is my time to go.

 

kayc

If anything that I wrote in my earlier posts suggests that I was making light of your situation I apologize. That was certainly not intended.

I realize that you are very sensitive and hurting at this time and please consider that comments made by your friends and associates are usually meant to help you, not criticize. When they say you will "have someone else someday" they are hopeful that you may once again find happiness akin to what you had with George. Of course no one can ever replace what you and George have, but I suspect they only mean well.

When they seem to minimize your grief, you are right - they don't understand.

Only those who have had a great relationship with their spouse can begin to understand such a loss.

Unfortunately your counselor was right when he said their is no guarantee.

That's what Faith is all about.

Your Faith that George will be there to guide you is your "guarantee".

I hope that is a good day for you.

[kayc]

Walt,

Thank you...your words are a salve to my soul today. Have a good one!

Kay

[beckyb89]

My heart goes out to all of you. Ron died a year ago after a long illness. Like you I was stuck for a long time in limbo. I cried, I cuddled a blanket that he had used. I was so fragile at first and just felt so lost. Now after a year I don't feel so alone. Ron "visits" me occasionally. I feel great relief that he is not suffering anymore but I really, really REALLY miss him still. Not used to the quiet. sometime I will deliberately not go straight home after work because i just don't want to go home and not have him there. Things have changed since he died. Life moves on and I think how sad that Ron is not there to share it all with me. The biggest change will (hopefully) be a new job this week. Without Ron's income I am having a tough time and I have been looking for a new job. I now must think of me and my future but I hate to move on without Ron. so all I can tell you is hang in there. You will grieve as long as it takes you. It will hurt less in time but it will also be a different hurt that probably never goes away. They will always be a part of our lives. I have not posted here in awhile and realize that I have missed being here and sharing.

so peace to all of you and you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Becky

[Charlie]

Dear Kayc

It has been 9 months for me now and the pain and emptiness still haunts me at times. I decided to go back to work, part time at first but now I am working a full time job, 80 hours a week and my mind is busy with other things and I only have moments during the working day where it all comes home to me again. This job was a godsend because before I started working the whole entire day was filled with grief. I am at a new job where no one knew me before and that makes it easier because they do not relate to me as a married person so it sometimes is easier to deal with being alone now. My suggestion is to keep busy, keep your mind busy and when the pain hits, and it will, it won't be such a constant thing. I try to get thru each day, one day at a time and not worry anymore about tomorrow. Maybe working or volunteering might be the answer for you also. Just a thought.

Grace

ONLY YOU

7/1/38 01/20/04

[kayc]

I am already working full time plus a part time job, plus I teach stamping and paper making once a week, and now I'm getting this grief support group going, and I am on the Worship Team so I have music practice every week, plus am in a ladies ensemble and the choir and soon a quartet, and with trying to paint the railing for our deck/ramp, and all of the house and yard work, I don't have time for anything else! But all of the activity keeps me busy and gives me less time to think. I know we have to grieve and cry and get our feelings out, but I seem to do that mostly at night or the evenings or weekends that I am home alone...and sometimes in the midst of whatever else I am doing and no matter who I am around. To say this is challenging us to the limit is a great understatement. No matter what I do or how busy I am or how many people I talk to, the fact still hits home that there is no one that holds a candle to my beloved husband and I miss him more than anything life holds...he is and always will be the most special person in the world to me and I don't know how I am going to get through this. I try not to think about that, I try to take not a day at a time, but a moment at a time...I wish I could cancel all days in this next year and fast forward past our anniversary, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentine's Day, Easter, his Birthday, and especially the anniversary of his death: Father's Day. But it doesn't have to be a special day to break my heart...I notice when I sit alone in church...I can't watch videos by myself any more, and I don't have an interest in eating alone either...sleep doesn't hold the same allure for me...I stay up as late as I can and wait until my eyes are drooping before even trying to go to bed...nothing is the same. How can one person get into your heart so much? He did, more intensely that all other people in my life combined. I want him to be proud of me, and he would be, I know, he always was, and so I do my best...but nothing in me wants this, I would love so much to wake up and find out this has been a horrible dream...but that's denial/fantasy and does no good. I wish someone could tell me how they've survived this, how to do our time, how to make it through this. Like I said, one day is too much, it's moment by moment. And I will see him again.