Being Alone

[melina]

I've been having a six-month crisis, but now as I approach the seven month mark, I'm doing a little better. Not utterly in despair any longer. But I'm noticing the effects of being alone. We never had a big social network.

Thyge's family lives about a three hour drive from here, but I rarely hear from them - only once in a while from one of his sisters, who is very "matter-of-fact-" and who thinks I ought to be over this by now. His other siblings were at the funeral, but I haven't heard from them since.

My own family - mother and two siblings plus their families all live far away in the states. I live in Norway. They haven't been very supportive. I have to contact them - they never contact me.

What I do have are four sons - two of which are here in the country, one of which lives with me still. He's 19. And I have a dog. That's about it. I have a few friends from work that I see now and then, but otherwise I'm alone. This never bothered me before, because we had enough - just being together as a couple. People keep telling me to join groups or start a new hobby, but it just seems meaningless. A friend urged me to go on an online dating service, but it's too early. No one would measure up to him. Besides, I'm 52 and not "model-pretty" so who would ever want me? My husband was the only one who ever made me feel beautiful.

I feel such intense envy and bitterness still when I see or hear about other women my age who live normal lives with their healthy husbands. It's such a cruel lottery. Even now at 7 months I keep thinking - why me? Why not them?

I wonder if I'll be alone the rest of my life. I see myself as one of these pathetic little old women, forcing themselves on others for company, traveling with other pathetic old women.

I think I'd rather die than end up this way.

Melina

[wmjsca]

Hi Melina. I can so relate. It will be four months on the 22nd and being alone is just not how I planned my life to be. My family consists of two brothers, one of which acts as though he doesn't know me, although my youngest brother and I talk frequently. I have no contact with Buck's family since the funeral. I suppose they feel I should be over it by now. How dare people suggest 'on-line dating'! What the heck do people think? Death isn't something you 'get over' in a few months! Especially when it's your spouse/partner! How would they feel if their spouse were 'gone'? Would it be so easy for them to 'move on'? I get so sick of people sometimes. And yes, I get angry when I see all the happy people. I am still working on my anger and frustration and still ask 'why me'. I still don't think I deserved to be left alone.

I don't have wise words today, sorry. I just wanted you to know you are not alone. Not at all. I sometimes feel like I'll be one of those 'old ladies' you spoke of. Who wants a single old lady hanging around?

I wonder if anyone will ever want me again, as well. I am 53 now, and Clint loved me as I was. I feel as though I have to 'reinvent' myself to attract someone else. I am just sick of the dating scene. I thought I was done with that. I was so happy with Clint and relieved I didn't have to compete anymore. People tell me, just be yourself, be happy with yourself, learn to be alone.....blah, blah, blah.... While there is wisdom in those words, I am tired of being 'alone'. I don't like the stigma of being a 'lonely old lady'. But mostly, I miss my Clint and our life together.

I think it is still too soon for me, maybe also for you. I also know that I DO have to become comfortable in my own company, which right now I'm still too angry to do. I suppose I could love someone else again someday, but now would be a mere comparison to Clint. So, I will try to not worry about the couple thing so much.

You have come a long way, Melina. Seven months isn't that long in the 'relationship' apsect of this grief thing. Give yourself more time. I've heard it takes at least a full year of 'anniversaries and milestones' before people can even consider sharing their lives with another again. I believe if we're meant to be with someone again, it will happen. We can again open our hearts because there is enough love in us for another, if we choose to go there.

Do things at your own pace. You aren't alone in how you feel.

[Lainey]

Hi Melina,

I'm glad to hear that you're doing better. I think the time before Valentine's was hard on many of us.

I'm sorry that your in-laws don't keep in contact with you. maybe you will have to make the effort and call them.You say you are lonely in Norway.. have you given any thought to moving back to the States to be with your family? I suppose your sons wouldn't agree to that. Even with my family close, I'm still very lonely at times, like when I first wake up and he's not there to say "hi" to,or when I've had some thing exciting happen, My kids wouldn't have thought it was worth talking about, but Lars would have been just as excited. It's that kind of deep lonliness that I think we never lose.

Why does everyone think that we should go on to the computer and find a man?? Unless you're ready to think of sharing your life with someone that is not the thing to do. I must disagree with you.. just because you're 52 and not "model pretty" doesn't mean that no one will want you. We're loved for WHO we are, not what we look like. I'm 59 and for sure not model pretty, but hope that when I'm ready someone will care for me as a person, not how I look.

I've also found that if you want to meet new people , we are the ones that have to put ourselves out there. That means getting involved in things. I also find I feel so much better when I'm busy.

Your envy and bitterness is normal, I think. Istill feel that way at times.

Lainey

[abergsma]

Hi Melina

I agree with all you said. I have one Daughter close to where I live but the rest are all over the world. It is very lonely and even my best friend has backed off, she didn't even wish me happy birthday last month.

It was 5 months for me on Valentines and I have been living in a Grief Tsunnamis (as my facilitor in my widows and widowers group call it), for about 3 weeks now.

I look at couples and hope they are good to each other while still feeling very jealous.

It is a path that remains up and down like a roller coaster.

Take care and know that you have many friends

Hugs

Allana

[debbylh]

I am so alone too! My husband passed away in Oct. Have 2 grown children who live near by. One stops over or calls every week. The other one I call her 1st!. Have a 3rd that lives out of town. She helps with my bills. E_mails me more then calling. My father-law treats me like a daughter. I'm alone though with no stores near by & I don't drive! Today it is snowing(storm starting) & I'm sad! Getting house ready to sell! I try to think positive, but it is hard..

[sunstreet]

Hello to all,

I want to validate and let you know I understand your pain. I am so sorry, just so so sorry. The aloneness in this journey is excruitating to say the least. You have every right to feel angry! I wish I could catapolt you all past this pain.

I remember feeling exactly the same. I remember the moment like it was yesterday when I realized I had not one soul in the whole world, no family, my side nor Melissa's, no friends, no-one...absolutley no-one. It was excrutiating. I know of the pain you speak of because I have been there and I have felt it. I am so sorry.

Here I am at just over 7 years since Melissa died. I still hurt with missing the hugs, the cuddles, the closeness that couples share, not as excrutiating, but still there. I do have people in my life now and if someone would have told me even 1 year ago that would be the case, I would have silently thought, they were delusional.

Just want you all to know that I understand and I care.

((((HUGS))))

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[kayc]

I, too, am always alone, but I don't have time to do anything about it. It's all I can do to keep up with working, commuting, and chores, esp. since it's winter and there's so much snow to shovel. I, too, never envisioned growing old alone, I thought we'd have another 20 years together before facing that. My kids live away, my mom is mentally ill, my father is dead, my sisters live elsewhere, and I never heard from my husband's brothers and sisters after his funeral...his father didn't even bother attending the funeral even though he was offered a ride. So there you have it. I think someday when I retire maybe I can make some friends, but it takes free time to do so.

I don't think it's that no one would ever want us...quite the opposite, for me now, it's more like I don't want anyone else. Marty posted in Loss of Love Relationship, a link about building self esteem, it was quite interesting.

[sunstreet]

Dear Kay,

I just hear your pain and I just want to offer a ((((HUG)))).

All's I can say is that I felt as you and the other's did before as well. Something happend for me on Valentine's this year that was great movement in my healing and I have been feeling such peace since.

I still long to be held again, don't get me wrong, that still hurts but I don't feel this agony about it that I use to any longer. It may seem odd, but I feel like saying that this past Valentine's I let Melissa go to the form that she is now. I know this word is not what we tend to think on or even want to hear, but I felt myself truly "accepting" Melissa is dead, and it will be ok for my life to go on now.

Anyhow Kay and all of you, I am sorry for the pain. I hope knowing that I feel such peace now is some comfort to all of you and offers you hope that you will feel this peace someday too.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[Korina]

While I am quite lucky in that I have supportive in-laws and family (and friends), I only have one daughter. It might sound stupid, but I worry about being alone when I get older (I cannot expect my daughter to stick around to be with me and forgo living her own life...). She is only 2, so this is a long way off, but it is in the back of my mind.

Korina

[melina]

To all of you who answered - thank you! It seems as though we've all had these feelings and worries. I'm sorry you're feeling the same, but at least we know it's "normal" and that we're not truly alone. Even if you're far away and in cyber space - I feel lucky to have you as friends.

Melina

[Den's Gail]

Hi Melina,

Dennis died on Nov. 8, 1007 and I'm still lost. I too feel like I'll be a pathetic old woman, doing things with others just to pass time and come home alone except I don't even see myself travelling with other women without Dennis. We planned on getting in an RV when he retired and just go and have quality 24/7 time together, stay wherever as long as we wanted, get a hotel room when we wanted, but we would have done it hand in hand because we were always holding hands. I couldn't imagine doing it without him.

I wonder what will be the next thing in my life that will be forced upon me, a nursing home? Needing to sell my home and move someplace without the upkeep which I would hate. We never planned on staying here after he retired, we felt it was too much for both of us yet alone me, but now I don't even want to think about living someplace where he's never been or figuring out what to do with everything too. We were supposed to do that together too.

I also struggle seeing other couples and it really hurts when I know they don't have the relationship we had. It really seems unfair to me if a friend is complaining about their husband and the games they play lying to one another, etc. Life isn't fair and I accepted it before, Dennis always said it too and said we'd find out the answer to it though when it's our time. Well he may know it now but I don't and I'm the one living this cruel nightmare. I try very hard not to ask "why me," but I keep thinking it, make sense out of that one. I pray and pray and read how I'm supposed to feel and every night when I'm better than I am when I wake up I tell myself I just have to try harder, make Dennis proud of me, etc. etc. but it doesn't make it hurt less or make me fit in this world any better. I can't deny how I feel and try to make myself feel something I don't. No matter what, I'll always come home to an empty house because it isn't a home anymore at all and be "alone."

I subscribed to these Grief Share Daily Emails a long time ago on my other computer. I read about them again the other day someplace, it could have even been on here and decided to sign up again to see if they would help me more now. Anyway, today was Day 4 and I copied and pasted it to post it here. It made me feel better about there not being a time frame on grief. I knew that and it was talked about here before, but as a lot of us here know, people expect us to be over it and move on, period. Our own daughter told me at a year, "it's been 12 months and I'm sick of it!" Unfortunately I don't fake it either and don't think I should have to. I've also read, but I think it was on another site moderated by a male social worker, that healing from a sudden loss is even more difficult and Dennis' death just doesn't make any sense to me at all. He died from a freak bicycle fall, something we loved doing, and I can't even find peace saying he died doing something that he loved because it just seems senseless to me. Plus he survived cancer and was fine and then to just suddenly die after all of that, when he also took wonderful care of himself when others don't, it just adds insult to injury to me. Anyway, here it is:

"Grief Lasts Longer Than Expected

Day 4

Grief's unexpected turns will throw you again and again. You may feel that for every step forward, you take at least one step back. The grieving process generally takes longer than you ever imagined.

Please don't rush this process. Remember, what you are feeling is not only normal; it is necessary.

"It's been seven years, and I'm still going through it," says Dr. Larry Crabb, whose brother died in a plane crash. "I don't know if it's a very holy thing to admit, but when someone says, 'Well, it's been a week, a month, a year—Larry, for you it's been seven years. Get a grip. Where's your faith in Christ, for goodness' sake?' I get really angry.

"Knowing the Lord and His comfort does not take away the ache; instead, it supports you in the middle of the ache. Until I get home to heaven, there's going to be an ache that won't quit. The grieving process for me is not so much a matter of getting rid of the pain, but not being controlled by the pain."

We read in the Psalms that David grew weary with the process of grief and cried out to the Lord. Then he left the timing in God's hands.

"Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint; O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony. My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long? Turn, O LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love" (Psalm 6:2-4).

"I am weary with my sighing; Every night I make my bed swim, I dissolve my couch with my tears. My eye has wasted away with grief" (Psalm 6:6-7 NASB).

Heavenly God, I cannot even begin to put my grief in a time frame. Thank you that I don't have to. Comfort me and support me as I lean on You. Amen."

Gail

[sunstreet]

Dear Gail,

I so hear and understand your pain. I was once there too. I see you working so hard on your healing and I wanted you to know that. I believe your Faith will see you through Gail. It is a long arduous path and you have begun already. I encourage you to keep on--keeping on.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann