March 6

[Mrs. B]

Hi all, Just dropped my son off at the train station for him to get back to school. He was on his reading week. It was a good visit and i was happy he came for a visit.I cried all the way home. Had some major anxiety . Wanted to stop at my parents but drove right on by to the cemetery. I miss Rick so much right now and it seems to be hitting me so hard. My chest hurts . Being home alone again sucks. I just wish he was here. I know wishing is not going to make it happen but i feel so angry right now. Two years on Sunday and I thought i was doing so well. We were looking forward to doing things and going places together after the kids all were gone, not me here myself. I thought i was done being mad a him for leaving but im reallly pissed at him right now. Just needed to vent.

thanks mrs.b

[mfh]

Because you are hurt and angry does not mean you are not doing well. YOU have survived for two years. That is gigantic. I am facing one year later this month and I guess I just have to applaud myself for surviving....we too were at that place where we could do what we wanted to do and it was all gone when he drew his final breath. I understand your pain. Lonely evenings are ours....one can not run about every night of the week in order to have company....so we stay home...lonely. I get it.

[Mrs. B]

Thank you.......

[mfh]

You are welcome. I am sorry you are hurting so much. I am too so I understand.

I hope you can have a calm evening.

[LostmyHoney]

Its been 6 mo for me, a friend from work told me a loss like this is not something you will ever get over, you just get used to it cuz thats all you can do. Reminded of an old ache Ive had for several years, even with asprin ext. I still feel it, some days more sharply than others. My grief, like slow hot burning embers will always be there. Im so very sorry for all of our pain here.

(((hugs)))

Rachel

[Dimcl]

I thought i was done being mad a him for leaving but im reallly pissed at him right now.

thanks mrs.b

I'm so sorry, Mrs. B. I'm only just past 4 months into this and sometimes I get so mad at my Glenn that I could just spit nails. But then I almost laugh out loud, because I can just see him shaking his head in bewilderment and saying, "Well, it's not like I wanted this, you know!". That usually brings me down to earth.

I know it's hard. Only we who are going through it know how gigantically hard it is. But I think it's safe to say that our beloved husbands paid the ultimate price and I truly believe that women are stronger than men, emotionally. I am so happy that I'm going through this and not him. I look at it as the price I have to pay for 34 wonderful years. Cheap by any price!

[melina]

I have the same yearning and bitterness when I think about all the things we had planned to do together when the kids were all finally out of the house. This fall the last kid will go off to college, and I'll be here alone instead. The fact that you've been doing well in general is a major accomplishment. Having an anxiety attack and feeling rotten now and then at two years is probably to be expected - even though it sucks. Hope things swing upwards again for you.

Melina

[Maryo]

Hi Mrs. B,

I know it's hard over 2 and a half years for me and it's ok to get mad because all these feeling make me believe that we are healing.Thank goodness for our children. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Take care.

Mary Lou

[kayc]

I'm sorry you feel so alone, I know what that's like. I think I feel all the same things I did nearly six years ago only not so intensely and I've accepted that what is, is, I can't change it. I remember when I was new at this, how I hated the word "acceptance" because it implied it was okay with me...I've since learned it's nothing of the kind, it's just I've realized, what is...is.

I too hate that my kids left home and I'm alone here and George went off and left me (like he had a choice!) and now here I am holding the bag and not liking it. I don't mind so much living alone as having no one to share in life with, no one to shoulder the burden with, and no seeming purpose.

[Sharon3]

I too just passed the two year mark and I too know of the lonliness you talk about. Just the other day my son said something about the way I treat my little granddaughter. I said how do I treat her and he said "you treat her like you are never going to see her again". I tried to tell him that she is my life and I really only feel true joy when I am with her. She is 2 3/4 and is full of love and joy and loves spending time with me. I don't know what I would do without her but she does not fill the lonely nights. I try to think of the song by Garth Brooks "The Dance"....and would I have lived my life as I did if I knew I would end up this way..............the answer is yes and I am hopeful there are happy days ahead of me....I just hope I don't have to wait too long to experience it. I miss my husband so much and I took so much for granted..............the two year mark was just as sad but maybe not as raw. I wish us all happiness again.