I Feel So Terrible

[plasticmary]

We put my dog, Molly, to sleep yesterday. She was 18 and her stomach and lungs were filling with fluid from heart failure. It happened so fast. She's been on heart medication but she seemed to be doing okay. We thought she was constipated. My husband took her to the vet that morning and he said we could try all kinds of things but they were iffy and she was struggling. She could barely walk and was having a very hard time breathing. My husband feels okay about it. He thinks she was suffering and feels like it was better for her but I feel terrible, terrible, terrible. There are so many things I wish I did and did not do. Things I wish I had said to her. We decided so quickly, spur of the moment. We were so upset but also just wanted to get it over with. Now I feel guilty about so many things. I loved that dog more than I love most people. She was one of the loves of my life. She was my family and I was so imperfect, especially at the end. I was annoyed sometimes and frustrated and wrapped up in myself. I was kind-of distant. I went about my daily business as if she had years and years and years to live. I wish I had been better at the end. I wonder if I should have tried to do something more, spent more time with her, said something else. I miss her so much and I wish I had known how much I would miss her and acted like it.

[CJ Anderson]

I am soooo sorry on the loss of your sweet four legged. 18 years is just absolutey amazing, what exordinary care you must of given this sweet baby!

Would you share a little more about what you were thinking you should have done?

Hugs!

CJ Anderson

[Xena]

I know how you feel even though i had to put my cat to sleep its ome thing i wont do again as iam NOT having any more pets this is killing me inside ...iam going to pick one of my cats best photos and have it blown to poster size and put on an wall so when i come home after an long or bad day to see her when i open my door with those big gold eyes of hers with lift me i know..no other cat will take her place no way!!! i was blessed to have had her in my life and hope one day i will see her again..

[Susan Shropshire]

Don't be so hard on yourself. It is mostly your grief that is making you think this way. I know from experience. We had to euthanize our beloved Zach (15 years old) due to arthritis so bad he could no longer stand up from sitting without help. He could barely walk and could no longer live in the fenced yard with the other dogs. He was in pain but didn't show it as much as you would think. We made the decision and took him in one day and at the time I knew it was the right decision. As soon as he was gone I started to go into depression, I kept thinking "Why did we do this!" If we hadn't done it, he would still be alive. I should have just spent more time sitting with him and walking him, I should have..... It tore me apart. I finally realized that it was for HIM that we did it. He didn't have a quality of life and it wasn't as if he was going to get better. He would have just continued to suffer just so I could have him around. After 15 years I believe that he knew how much we loved him.

Don't focus on the "end" of life. Focus on the LIFE that was lived. Remember all the happiness that you had and don't focus on the end. That was just a blink in the entire life of your baby.

[kayc]

I am so sorry you lost your beloved dog, Molly. I know how I'd feel if I lost my dog he is my best bud.

It is common to wish we had them back or that we'd spent more time with them when they were alive, but the truth is, we do love them the best we can and they know it. I don't know if you believe in afterlife or not, but I do, I believe heaven wouldn't be heaven without our sweet furry friends.

[plasticmary]

I am soooo sorry on the loss of your sweet four legged. 18 years is just absolutey amazing, what exordinary care you must of given this sweet baby!

Would you share a little more about what you were thinking you should have done?

Hugs!

CJ Anderson

There are so many things...I feel especially terrible at this moment because I am remembering that, on Friday, I had forgotten to get her heart medication refilled. I had to call the emergency clinic at the vet school and they told me they were going to charge me a $50.00 pharmacy fee on top of the prescription. I was on the phone with my mom telling her that I wasn't going to do it. I don't like the vet school much because they are so expensive and they have been trying to add on a $200.00 charge to a bill I paid in full, after the fact. They basically decided, after I begged and borrowed money from every resource I had to pay the initial bill and left the clinic that there was an additional charge. They told me they would not treat Molly if I did not pay in full, so I paid it and a few weeks later received an additional bill. Anyway, I was going to CHOSE to take her off the medicine for $50.00. Luckily, a nice guy there gave me a weekend's worth, but I feel like the worst person in the world. Why would I do that to her? She deserved only the best and I was going to make that type of decision?! I can't even believe that was me thinking that way.

Part of me had decided that we were just spending money and prolonging things. Money is so tight for us right now and the vet bills were killing us. Toward the end, I felt annoyed, stressed, distant. Not at her. She didn't do anything wrong but at the situation. I struggled with feeling like I was give all my attention to Molly and ignoring my other dogs. One of my other dogs needs some vet care but we couldn't afford to take him because Molly's care has been so expensive. We still owe our very kind, regular vet $160.00 for past visits for Molly. He's been letting us pay it a little at a time.

I wish I had been sweeter, given her more attention, noticed how she was feeling more. I think, in some ways, I was trying to distance myself from her and I think I was in denial about how sick she was. Sometimes I did special things for her but most of the time, I just acted like it was any other day.

I loved that dog - really, really, really, really loved/love her. But I am so bad at life in general that I didn't give her everything I could have. And then, on the last day, we just decided, spur of the moment, to put her to sleep. I keep going over and over it in my head. Why didn't we take her home or take more time to say goodbye. And to top it off, we had to discuss what to do with her body right in front her, moments before we put her to sleep. We didn't want to do that but we did anyway. Why didn't we just tell the vet we were going to wait to talk about that?! Why didn't we take more time? God, I'm a terrible person.

To give you an idea, she was struggling a lot. Her stomach had filled up with fluid because her heart was failing. She was having a hard time breathing and walking the night before and my husband feels it was the right decision but I have to say, that I never thought it would happen the way it did. So suddenly - at my hands.

I also totally forgot that the vet said I could give her an extra pill - the one to get rid of the fluid that filled her lungs. I just completely forgot that we could up that dosage, that he had suggested it several weeks ago. I can't believe I forgot that!

The day we took her in, the vet told us we could try several things to get the fluid out, put her on IVs and stuff, but my husband and I had decided that it was enough. She was not going to recover, we didn't want to keep prolonging things for her - or us. He feels she was really suffering and has been for a while now. His decision was based on her suffering. But, in a way, I put her down for her and for me. I don't feel like it was a totally selfless thing on my part. I had been thinking about it and how hard it was to have a sick dog. I just wonder why I didn't take more time before deciding. Why I didn't take her home. It all just happened so fast.

Now I know that I never wanted her to go. It wasn't so bad. She was easy. She deserved better. I suck.

[CJ Anderson]

Hi there,

First let me be clear about something.

The medication you were going to purchase WAS NOT a cure, it WAS a bandage designed to expand the time Molly had. You know, it bogglesmy mind how much pain they will endure in part, because they love us and do so willingly, and in part because we are unwilling to let go.

I hope you will consider that her higher self was speaking to your higher self that KNEW there was nothing more to do and that Molly was ready to go to the other side. They dont fear death as we do, for them - it is simply another state of being. Make no mistake either-I miss miss miss my doggies, all the things we used to do, share and just being together. I hope that you will separate out that grief, from the guilt and blame you feel, because that piece is from your mind that tells you that you would never have given enought, and if you would look back, comes from other situations where you have been told your effects didnt measure up.

Trust your inner self that knew what was best is this situation!

My dogs have been teachers. They taught me how to face death squarely and without fear, to stay in each moment as the other inches slowly to the bridge. I learned to share those moments, and hold my grieving till after, it sounds like you found your way there too.

I hope some of this can bring you peace for truely you earned that with all the wonderful wonderful years you gave to sweet Molly when so many never know that love and care!

My heart to yours!

[plasticmary]

Thank you so much for your kind words, CJ. I appreciate hearing that so much. Your words really help. Thank you.

[kayc]

I have to totally concur with what CJ so aptly put.