It Has Been 15 Months.

[Suzanne R.]

Today it was 15 months since my husband passed. For the very first time I went to visit the cemetery by myself. I usually went with a sister or sister-in-law and while I really appreciated their time and efforts I couldn't really do anything to grieve the way I would have wanted. Last year at this time it was too soon for me so it would be emotionally very difficult to go through with going by myself. During the Summer of 2010 my sister stopped there whenever she gave me a ride to my grief meeting at Hospice. And during the Fall and Winter months it was always either snowing or raining. So, today, I took the bus to the next town, I walked down the street and it was long but I walked at my own pace. I didn't know what to expect, but while walking there, and while sitting on the blanket that I brought with me, I tried to talk to Danny but all I could do was weep silently. I still can't believe he's not here any more. Intellectually, I am fully aware, but it's hard to fathom that now I'm praying to him in a way rather than talking to him face to face. I walked the long way back after sitting on the ground, trying to figure out my life and why I should have any interests beyond 'our time' together. I couldn't think of an answer, so I walked about a half a mile to the bus stop and went home. Being Good Friday and also that it was the 22nd of the month (which was the date he passed as well as the same day, Friday) I fasted all day. I liked it just being him and me and that I could cry without onlookers or sympathizers. I don't know if he heard me or not, but it was just something I had to do, to talk to him, as that was the closest in proximity to him that I have been in these past 15 months. I just wanted to be near him. So, just another day? I don't think so. I just wanted to share these moments with understanding friends.

God bless,

Suzanne

[HAP]

Dear Suzanne,

I promised myself I would go to sleep after I finished the new topic I wanted to post tonight. But I read your post before shutting down. I couldn't call it a night until I wrote you at least a short note.

Other than the day of the funeral I have never not been to my wife's grave alone. It is always a jarring experience. I cannot imagine being there with anyone else. I would not want anyone to see me as I am when I am there. It is the anchor for my grief--the one place I let everything I am feeling come out. I cannot lie to myself when I am there.

Your pain leaps off the screen and I have very few words I can say in the face of it. But you make reference to Good Friday and it seems a good anchor. Good Friday was a truly dark day for Christ's disciples--and even for his mother--despite the fact she allegedly knew what was really going on. At the time, I can't think of a darker day in the sense that their leader was dead and they had no idea there was any hope they would escape with their own lives.

And then Easter happens.

And these men and women who felt like they had lost all they had--that their lives were pointless and meaningless--are awakened by a miracle that they do not comprehend. In fact, they at first think someone has stolen Christ's body--the final desecration. They are wrong--of course--as they were wrong about so many things: they expected a military revolution that would sweep away the Roman Empire like so much chaff in a strong wind. They did not know, really, that they were on the ground floor of what would evolve into one of the world's great religions. The resurrection was a huge surprise to all of them--as were Pentacost and the Ascension.

Good Friday was your dark night of the soul, perhaps--or perhaps, alone at last, the beginning of the process that will let you begin to truly deal with your grief.

May you begin to find through this Easter weekend the strength to find meaning and purpose in your life as the apostles began their new lives on that Easter morning two millenia ago.

Be gentle with yourself,

Harry

[mfh]

It is Holy Saturday and though it is a different date than last year...it was Holy Saturday last year that my husband's funeral was held and that I buried him (the love of my life), sent his body back to the earth. Today is sunny and it was sunny last year on Holy Saturday. The year has been the most painful experience I have ever had...you all know what that is like. Because it has been just a bit over a year, however, does not mean the pain has lessened as many would like to believe. Tomorrow is Easter Sunday. On Easter Sunday last year I turned 70 years old...a day we would have celebrated with a short trip or special dinner but a day I ignored last year. Instead it was the day after Bill's funeral...I have no clue where this post is headed except that today is even more difficult than the first anniversary was last month because Holy Saturday is such a big day in my history...today actually feels like the first anniversary and it has ambushed me...surprised me because I thought I went through that on March 27. So now I need to figure out how to deal with all this because I suspect that there will always be two anniversaries of his death....March 27 and Holy Saturday which usually do not coincide. I sit here looking at the painting a friend did of him....it looks so much like him that it feels like he could talk...I see the sun shining through the blinds...sun we have seen so little of this spring to date and sun like that of last year's Holy Saturday....and I feel the tears rolling down my cheeks....ambushed again. Easter used to be my favorite day of the year...with its new life, flowers budding, warm and sunny skies. Now Easter is but a reminder that he is gone. The pain goes on and on.

[Suzanne R.]

Dear Harry,

You couldn't close for the night without replying and I couldn't stop myself from answering your reply because it really meant much to me. There are so many many aspects to all of our personalities and it is compounded when we have lost a loved one. There is a part of me that's in a rage, although I never show it to anyone. There is a part of me that is confused, bewildered, living in a nightmare, and like I can't go on one more day. But with your words, so symbolic of the Apostles, who didn't know the truth, and I think it is because the truth didn't reveal itself to them at that time as it hadn't happened yet, but you have reopened a door to me that gives me a sense of peace with my reality, which I only think of on a rare occasion and I just wanted to thank you for that.

Peace be with you also.

Suzanne

Dear mfh,

I couldn't agree with you more and I understand exactly what you mean. With me, since Danny passed away on a Friday, very early morning on January 22, 2010, when the anniversary date came around the following year, it was a Saturday but the day before, being a Friday I felt like I was going through the emotional turmoil of reliving his last moments. It was horrendous for me and I shared what I was feeling with others but it is such a private anguish, I felt no one could possible imagine what I went through. It also seems that every single day there has been some kind of remembrance, I just happened to write down on a calendar all the days that we did something together not realizing how short a time he had left, so now I don't relish any day, like the last day we went outside to sit together on the bench, the last day we attended Mass together, the last day we went to get groceries together, not to mention his birthday, my birthday, each of our 4 grandchildren's birthdays, and our son's birthdays and their wives and family, Dan's family, my family the last time each of his sisters visited us before we knew what would hit us, the last day we attended family get-togethers, the last days he had each of his appointments that I went with him to every single one, even the last day we were intimate, not to mention all of the holidays that will now take place without him, it just seems to go on and on and on. So I really do understand, for me it seems that the second year is worse only because I'm fully conscious, I'm awake now as compared to the time when the last radiation doctor said to us on 12/18/09 that "the last treatments didn't get the cancer, we don't know where it will go next, and we don't know how long you have," and he passed away 35 days later. So, on 12/18/09 I went into some kind of fog, my brain was sort of in a coma,(some call it denial) and now the year of the firsts is over and it continues. There are some who say they have gotten better, and a few who actually believe that they have gotten over their grief (which I don't believe, but it makes sense to me that grief will always be there, but we learn to manage the pain in time) so I just hope I didn't make you feel worse, as I was only speaking about my own experience. For me 1/22/10 will be ingrained in me as the worst day of my life. But once in a while I know that he's not in pain, and that he's in a better place. It's ok for me to say it, but when others say it to me, for some reason I don't like it. At least we have understanding here which makes me feel relief when I share and I pray that you have peace somehow. Take care.

God bless,

Suzanne

[kayc]

Suzanne,

I'm glad you had that time of closeness with Danny. I didn't bury my George, but had him cremated and scattered the ashes in our back yard under a tree I can look out on from the house or patio, so I always feel he's with me. When the day comes I have to give up my place, it's going to be hard, for this is where we shared life and where his remains last were. This is what George always called "Our home in the clouds".

[michelle5]

Suzanne,

I understand completely how you remember the last times that you spent with your husband. Mine went into the hospital for what we were told would be a 5 day cancer treatment. They waited a couple weeks to start the treatment, becuase his kidneys were not working properly, and once they did the treatment for about 3 days, they had to stop, because it was too hard on his body. It was not until they sent him home a month later, that they told us that he did not have much time left. He only got to be home for one night, and had to return to the hospital the very next day. He died 3 days after they told us he didnt have much time left. May 4th will be 2 years for me! It seems like it was just yesterday. The entire month of April was hard for me, still. I feel like my work is lagging, my house work is behind, I have not gone to the gym. I need to find my focus to move on like I should. The kids are the only things that keep me moving. I wanted to take a sick day on May 4th, but I was scheduled for an all day training that is mandatory. I think it is probably a good thing, because I was planning on staying in bed all day. I will watch the videos of the memorial service and the photo slide show with my youngest son. He wants to watch it through the year, but I hold off until May 4th. I dont know if I can handle watching it more often. He is only 6,now, so I hope he understands that I just cant watch it more often! I feel like I should be more understanding, but I cant help it.

[mfh]

Dear People,

Your words are all so comforting to me....sharing your losses tells me that you understand my loss (as much as anyone can do that for us). Sharing your journeys help me walk my own. Year 2, thus far, has been much more difficult than I anticipated...I, too, am awake and realizing that he is gone...never coming back and my life is forever changed and my path is lonely. I am slowly, too slowly, learning who I can talk honestly to and who I need to just pretend and say I am fine. That is what most want to hear. My husband and I could say anything to each other and I seemed to forget for a long time that I can not be that honest with most others. I keep whittling the list down to a small handful in spite of having a lot of friends. I need to keep my mouth shut and remember who it is I can talk to. Tough lessons to learn but I am getting it. I am grateful for this forum...thank you all. mfh

[michelle5]

I found that it gets harder as time goes by, because friends that were very supportive tend to move on. They do not realize how much it still hurts. You may have had a large group of support, but as time goes by, they forget about you and your pain. Life without my husband has moved on for all of his friends. I dont hear from any of them, anymore.

[nats]

Hello Everyone,

I'm not sure how I missed this post as I read them all as I am notified via email when something new is posted....this is a very touching post and the responses are very touching....Ruth was cremated and I have her ashes in a nice Urn placed as memorial in my living room, I can't imagine having her anywhere else and when I pass I have instructed my son's to have my ashes placed with her's, and we will be scattered together 1/2 in the Gulf at Anna Marie Island and the other 1/2 on our favorite Bass fishing lake, unless my son's decide differant they will have the option...I find comfort having her "home" with me and I talk and touch her Urn almost everyday, many days telling her Good Morning or I'm home....all your stories touch me....

NATS

[mfh]

Yes, Michelle- I agree friends move on...most moved on a long time ago. It is now 13 months and today I got surprised (shocked) when a friend sent an email and said she knew I was still sad and was sending a hug. I cried when I got it as that rarely happens anymore. I have a host of friends but a small handful I can reach out to. I am grateful to them but the journey is getting lonelier as so few ask and I get more hesitant to bring it up. I went to the cemetery alone for the first time on Holy Saturday. It is isolated and my brother was concerned about my being there alone but it felt so good to just sit there and sob...by myself. I am all over the place in this post. I thank you all for your posts. This is a club none of us wanted to join but thankfully we all have each other here. mfh