9 Months

[Perkins808]

So it's been 9 months since my dear sweet husband died. There have been so many things to deal with, so many changes. I've gone through so many of griefs ups and downs.....endured so many of the symptoms of grief. By far the one that is bothering me the most these days is the total lack of memory.

I see the look of disappointment on my 15 year old daughters face when she brings up a subject that clearly I don't have any recollection of having already discussed. Both my girls have taken to writing things down on a calendar because they know I won't remember day to day. I will walk upstairs to get something, get to the top of the stairs and not have a clue why I'm up there. I make a list of things to get at the store, and then I forget the list at home. I think the wake up call for me was Sunday when I put the teapot on to make myself a tea.....and a half hour later my daughter yelled to me in the front yard where I was doing some gardening - to tell me that all the water had boiled away and the teapot was now a scorched mess.

I am 40 years old and feel like I have lost my mind. Jeff is ALWAYS on my mind....probably so much so that I don't have room for anything else that I should be thinking about!

Please tell me that others are going through this - and I'm not really losing my mind!

Hugs,

Tammy

[west]

It has been a year for me and I too am so forgetful. It is the stress of dealing with everything in your life. Not only is your love not there but you need to be mom and dad to your children, gardener, cook, money handler etc. No wonder you are so stressed...it is understandable. Take it easy and as the journey progresses your mind will clear and you will find peace.

[LarrysGirl]

If its any consolation, I am still leaving pots on the stove and totally forgetting them. It is amazing how the grief affects all parts of our beings. It just takes time for some things to heal I guess. Deborah

[mfh]

It is 13 months and my mind has been AWOL for all 13 of them. I forgot to make my car payment because I put it somewhere and did not even remember putting it there. I forget , concentration is poor, takes me forever to do things that should take a few minutes, I postpone doing things because most tasks feel like climbing a mountain. Today I am sitting here feeling very alone. I was scheduled to go away this weekend (for the first time) and my friend canceled. I KNOW we all have to be patient with ourselves. I don't boil water on the stove because I forget it is there so I use the microwave as it shuts off by itself. It is frustrating and makes this awful journey worse... but Tammy....you are not alone.

[Queeniemary]

Oh, Tammy, yes I do know what you mean. I did not have much of a memory before Michael died, and now 15 1/2 months later I think it is totally gone. I forget things on stove. I go in a room, and forget why. I try to remember someone's name, and it is just gone. At least I have age to blame for some of it, I am 65. Truth is, I always had a memory problem, so while it is worse, I was already used to dealing with it. What I don't understand, however, is that I can remember lines for a play without any problem. Do a lot of community theater, and can remember things like lines....probably would just forget the dates of the play!!

I think we all go through this to some degree, you are not alone Tammy.

Take care friend, and try not to burn the house down.....

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[Perkins808]

Thank you everyone for your replies. No, it doesn't make my memory any better.....but it makes me feel so much better to know that I'm not the only one going through this!

I actually started back up with my local bereavement group tonight. This is a follow up "drop in" group that will meet once a month. It was nice to reconnect with some familiar faces who are going through the same things I am. Yes, I have a great group of everyday friends who support me.....but it doesn't compare to a group of people that are in the same boat that I am in. Like everyone in this online group my bereavement group is made up of a wonderful bunch of people from all walks of life.....and also like here, there is never any judgment.

Every day I try to think of at least one thing to be grateful for.....and today, I am grateful for all of you!

Hugs,

Tammy

[HAP]

I know this is late to the party--but I have the same issues--and i don't have responsibility for children to add to the mix. My mind is marginally better than it was when I first got home, but i still forget everything I do not write down--and sometimes forget I even made the damn list, let alone where i put the cursed thing. The microwave thing sounds like a good plan though. It certainly will save on tea kettle expenses--assuming I can remember that the next time i want a cup of tea.

And you remind me I have not thanked the group lately for just being there myself. Thank you all!

Harry

[Guest Nicholas]

A little over 4 months since I lost my dear son and I, too, keep forgetting things. And I used to have a photographic memory, I think it is part grief and part the medication.

Nicholas

[melina]

Hi Tammy,

I'm where you are - 9 months - and I often wonder what happened to my brain. My husband, Thyge, is always on my mind as well, no matter what I'm doing or where I am. Grief has been a far more difficult journey than I ever could have imagined. I'm struggling to keep up with a full-time job, being a mother, a dog-owner and a house-owner and car-owner - and all that goes with being in charge of life all by myself.

I've downloaded a free program called Rainlendar - which is a little calendar in the corner of my computer. There I can put in appointments and "to do" lists and those things will emerge in the center of my screen to remind me. Without that I wouldn't remember anything.

Two weeks ago I drove to work and realized after about five minutes or so that I'd forgotten my shoes. So obviously the Rainlendar can't do everything for me - unless I write in: "Remember to put on shoes".

Melina

[Syl]

Dear Tammy,

You are not crazy. Having no memory and being forgetful are a very common symtoms of grief. It has been 6 months since my husband died very suddenly. I am so forgetful and have no memory of past happenings that it does scare me. I spend a lot of time in my car and I become engrossed in my thoughts and have no memory of driving and often times find myself at places that I had no intention of going to. Last night I was driving home and I drove right through a stop sign. Thank goodness no one was coming as it is normally a busy intersection. I have widow friend who told me that she didn't drive for 2 months after her husband died because she couldn't focus. Tammy, I am so sorry for your loss. Syl

[kayc]

Tammy,

I hate to tell you this but it's been nearly six years for me and grief/stress has coupled together to destroy what was once my good mind and memory. I lost my ability to focus. It was hard to work at first but that improved, although I know not to the degree it once was. I don't remember anything, I have to rely on my google calendar and post it notes. I make more mistakes, remember things wrong or not at all.

Think of it like having an accident and it jars your brain...you suffer trauma and your brain is affected. This is kind of like that only it's from a different basis, that of intense grief. Will we ever recover from this trauma? Maybe some will, some will not. After this long I doubt my brain will ever fully be the same. I've had not just my husband's death to deal with but immense financial strain and other major things to deal with and I think all of it has added to my inability to return to how I was previously.

In essence, I think what you're experiencing is a very normal response and it'd be good to sit your girls down and just candidly talk to them about it, that it's not that you don't care, but your brain has been jarred by this intense grief and your focus/memory is not working because of it, and you frankly don't know to what degree it will recover, but ask their patience and understanding. Reiterate that it is not that you don't care, you do, it's like having a broken leg and expecting to walk normally, only it's your brain that's hit and no, we can't think straight.