People Moving On Started

[azbrian]

Unless I make contact, I am not hearing much anymore from people. That includes the kids. Except my sister who I live with. My parents do stop by, they don't live far from here. I do worry about what my Mother might say, really about anything. How can I say this, she has been lacking filters for a little over a year now when she speaks. She also does not seem to realize what she has said to someone to upset them even when she is asked why she would say something like that. She just moves on or my Dad tries to cover for her.

We did not have a large circle of friends and my working 3pm to 11pm with one weekend day didn't help that cause. Ruth hated that shift, our youngest son was still home then but she didn't like being "alone" at night.

Speaking of working, nothing burning on my job hunt still. I feel for ya Kay. Sorry they treated you the way they did your last day.

Matter of fact I have not really looked much in the last couple of days. But if I don't get a job real soon I am going to go nuts. I need to be out of this house I am in all day, seven days a week. I need to be talking with people again just like everyone else. I am tired of talking just to myself to try and keep sane.

But then I know what I am going to say before I say it, right? Hmmmm, that was kinda deep or something.....

Still does not seem to be a good job market for middle age white guys. Maybe I'll start selecting the Mixed box. I am a mixture of several countries, German, Hungarian, England, Italian and some Scottish. Yep, I am a mixed mutt.

Like the Styx song says, "I have too much time on my hands and it's tick, tick, ticking away........"

Thanks for reading the rant.

Take care

[kayc]

Brian,

You mother may be experiencing signs of Dementia...and it could be your father covers for her because he doesn't want to acknowledge it...it is a hard thing to acknowledge and can be scary. My mother says and does extremely inappropriate things...but my mother always has as she has mental illness...but now with Dementia thrown in the mix, she is way worse. There is treatment if you can get her to a doctor...my mother refuses to go. The best way I've found to deal with it is to let it go and realize she is not responsible for what she says and does. That's very hard at times as she can be very hurtful...it's one thing for her to say or do something to me, but a lot harder when she does it to my siblings as it's hard to watch those that we love being hurt. Us siblings are a a good support system for each other.

It's not uncommon for family and friends to go back to their lives and leave us alone. Sometimes they don't know what to say or do and that makes them feel helpless and frustrated, not a good feeling, so they avoid us altogether to keep from feeling that way. Sometimes they feel guilty that they have their loved ones while we lost ours...so they avoid us, not to avoid us personally but to avoid the feelings they have when they are around us. Sometimes they are just insensitive because they haven't been through it so they honestly don't know how we feel or what we're going through. The only remedy is education which seems to come from experiencing loss themselves...not something we'd wish on anyone.

It helps to make new friends but sometimes this takes time and effort...something we often don't feel we have. I don't know the answer...after six years of George's being gone, I find myself still very much alone. The people who were our friends disappeared right after his memorial service. Amazing. He would be shocked if he knew what happened. His family disappeared too. I know he would have expected his brothers and friends to be there for me but they were, not even for a moment. They offered to be there if I ever needed anything and then they disappeared, taking their new phone numbers and addresses with them. It's kind of hard to comprehend but there's a lot of us who have experienced this so I know my situation is not unique. Even my church has not been there. The pastor visited one time after he got back from vacation (he went on vacation right after George died so he didn't even do his service) and that's it. I have never once been invited to the home of close friends we used to go camping with and have dinner and barbeques with. ???

I'm sorry you are also feeling alone...know it is not you. It's just people.

[azbrian]

Kay wrote.... "I have never once been invited to the home of close friends we used to go camping with and have dinner and barbeques with. ???"

Interesting.

IMHO............

So some people (not talking about your family and friends Kay) in general may not want the remaining partner around because it makes them uncomfortable, they don't know what to say or do because the other partner is no longer here.

Or I am sorry, I guess of course they could be that stupid.

The thing about my Mom is she has been pushing my Dad for years to take the Alzheimer’s tests, they are both in their 70's. He actually scored well in them but he is getting older. He is not as bad as what she is always saying to him. Now my Mom, she is the one that really should be having tests but will hear nothing of it. It does not help that my Mom has never been wrong (it just didn't work out right) and she knows everything about everything...... LOL

[kayc]

With my mom, I think she knows something is wrong, but she's so demented and yet has the presence of mind enough to know she doesn't want to lose control of her life. She is so afraid of losing control so she won't sign power of attorney, won't get tested...

I'm not making excuses for my former friends. They failed me and there is no excuse. I am just saying that is why some people respond like that. There are some widows whose family and friends have really been there for them. This is nothing we would have expected or anticipated in a million years. Sometimes the more you see of people, the less you like them...but then again, there are the others that surprise you...in good ways. You will eventually make new friends. But oh how people surprise you. A couple of my "best friends" didn't even attend George's memorial service...one decided to go to the coast and the other just didn't bother to show up, later on telling me she was afraid someone else she didn't like would be there. What the??? It's not my idea of friendship, I would have been there for either of them...and had been in their hard places.

[Anne E]

What an interesting topic. I have been struggling with this very thing.

About a year after Dick died, I moved to Colorado to be closer to our son. It has been incredibly difficult for me to find some friends to do things with.

I have done all the things we are told to do to help us heal and move on.

I have joined a church, volunteer, joined a women's support group, am taking a knitting class, etc. So here's what happens...

The people at church as very friendly and caring, but I stand there after church and visit and they will stark to talk to each other about where they are going to eat lunch, but never seem to see that I am standing there and ask if I would like to go. What's up with that?

Last week, I was leaving a meeting at church with 3 or 4 other women heading for our cars, we were discussing a book all of us had just read and they started asking each other if they planned to attend book club. Did any of them ask me if I would be interested in attending? NO. I was standing right there in the group.

I just don't get it. It makes me unhappy with myself that I allow them to hurt my feelings, but I really don't feel comfortable asking "Can I come too?" just like I'm a little kid. That feels way too much like begging to me and I won't do that.

What's wrong with people? Can't they see us? I realize I am new in this community, but I was raised as a military brat and we moved every 18 months or so and people were just more welcoming. I know I moved to a much smaller town, and these people have spent years together, but can't they see me?

I am a young looking 64 years old, take baths, brush my teeth, dress well, have manners and have been told often that I am a nice person.

I think I understand why couples my age don't invite me, but what's with other widowed women? Can't they remember what it was like?

I'm bewildered.

Anne

[kayc]

Anne, six years I've been going through this and sometimes I'm so lonely I could scream! I really don't want a man in my life, but I want FRIENDS! Male or female, it doesn't matter, I just get sick of always being alone. And I haven't moved, I've been in my church 11 years...so what's their excuse? I'm always pleasant, have a good personality...I don't know, I just don't get it either.

[Lainey]

How true it is that our friends tend to disappear when the going gets tough.

Kay I know the feeling of "best friends" not attending the service. I still have trouble understanding why Lars' best friend wasn't at the funeral. Supposedly he caught a flu bug that morning.

Anne, it seems like we almost become invisible to others. I feel the same, I'm clean, I brush my teeth, I try to be pleasant but they still see past me. I do have great family support, more from Lars' sisters than my own family. But they all live out of province and though we talk on the phone often, it's not like having them here.

Maybe we just have to learn to accept that lonliness is our new partner in life.I for one am yet at the point of feeling that Lars was the only one that I wanted as my partner. Who knows what the future will hold.

Lainey

[melina]

We never had many friends. As I said in another post, my husband used to joke about our family being a "clan". Our kids, of course, had friends, but they've always been pretty selective and stuck to a few close ones. My husband, Thyge, and I were content just to be together. Now and then we'd be invited to dinner somewhere - and I admit I have received a couple of invites since his death, but since only couples would be attending, I declined. I just couldn't handle it. I have gone to dinner with women friends, as long as their husbands weren't going along.

My sister and brother in the U.S. haven't been in touch for months. Neither has Thyge's family who lives three hours away. I guess they figure I should be over my grief by now. I have a couple of good friends who are sympathetic, but don't really understand. Of course I have my sons. But three of them are grown enough to have moved out, and they have their own lives. The youngest lives at home and is preparing for college in the fall. Soon I'll be here all by myself.

I spend most of my time alone when I'm not at work. I find myself talking to the dog, who never answers me. She just wags her tail looking bewildered. As Kay said, I often feel so lonely I could scream. But I'm lonely for one person - the person I shared everything with. Guess I'm just at a loss to figure out how to live my life now. I would love to have good, supportive friends nearby that I could drink coffee with in the afternoons, share a glass of wine in the evening. All I have are neighbors who are strangers. We moved to this house just a month before my husband died, so I don't know anyone. I feel rootless.

I hope I won't be this alone the rest of my life, but on the other hand, maybe I'll come to prefer it. I've even been thinking of moving further out into the countryside to be completely isolated, but everyone has advised me against it.

Melina

[sunstreet]

I resonate with what you all are saying here for sure. Melissa and I only had two other couples that we socialized with and after Melissa died there were the I am sorry's for a time, how are you doing for a time, then one couple moved away back east never to be heard from again, and the other couple slowly made it clear they weren't interested in continuing any kind of friendship with me. It was very hard. All my siblings already had died. My living family not safe people. I felt horribly alone.

Melina, I resonate with you saying that you "feel rootless" and caused tears to well up for I too felt the exact same way after Melissa died. It is a horrible and painful place to be Melina and I am so sorry. I want to encourage you though that you do indeed have roots and are just waiting for you to come looking and begin to feed and nourish them. The way I discovered my roots was through my journaling. To this day every morning and every evening I sit in my chair: with my feet flat on the ground: and imagine I have roots growing down...way down to the centre of the earth being nourished and fed....and sustaining me through any challenge. I even had this image in my mind as I went through my day in court this past Monday.

A poem is coming to mind for me that you may find helpful. Here it is:

The Journey by Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew

what you had to do, and began,

though the voices around you

kept shouting

their bad advice

though the whole house

began to tremble

and you felt the old tug

at your ankles.

"Mend my life!"

Each voice cried.

But you didn't stop.

You knew what you had to do,

though the wind pried

with its stiff fingers

at the very foundations,

though their melancholy

was terrible.

It was already late

enough, and a wild night,

and the road full of fallen

branches and stones.

But little by little,

as you left their voices behind,

the stars began to burn

through the sheets of clouds,

and there was a new voice

which you slowly

recognized as your own,

that kept you company

as you strode deeper and deeper

into the world,

determined to do

the only thing you could do

determined to save

the only life you could save.

Courage and Blessings, Carol Ann

[sunstreet]

I want to share another poem I find helpful to me when I am feeling low. Here it is:

The Oak Tree

by Johnny Ray Ryder Jr

A mighty wind blew night and day

It stole the oak tree's leaves away

Then snapped its boughs and pulled its bark

Until the oak was tired and stark

But still the oak tree held its ground

While other trees fell all around

The weary wind gave up and spoke.

How can you still be standing Oak?

The oak tree said, I know that you

Can break each branch of mine in two

Carry every leaf away

Shake my limbs, and make me sway

But I have roots stretched in the earth

Growing stronger since my birth

You'll never touch them, for you see

They are the deepest part of me

Until today, I wasn't sure

Of just how much I could endure

But now I've found, with thanks to you

I'm stronger than I ever knew

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

[Anne E]

Anne, six years I've been going through this and sometimes I'm so lonely I could scream! I really don't want a man in my life, but I want FRIENDS! Male or female, it doesn't matter, I just get sick of always being alone. And I haven't moved, I've been in my church 11 years...so what's their excuse? I'm always pleasant, have a good personality...I don't know, I just don't get it either.

Kay C

How wonderful to know I am not alone! My counselor asked me yesterday if I ever invited anyone to lunch. I don't feel I know anyone well enough to do that. I don't want to just walk up to someone who is basically a stranger to me and ask them to go to lunch only to discover I CAN'T STAND THEM.

They never hesitate to ask me to do some work at church, but they never seem to think of me when it comes to just having fun or just hang out.

This one day at a time stuff gets to be a heavy burden sometimes doesn't it?

Anne

[Cheryl]

Hello Everyone,

This is an important topic. Relationships play an important part of our ability to heal and gather strength. Too much solitude can destroy us. My friends vanished too. I am now at 21 months since Mark died in a motorcycle accident. I'm not sure when it started, but at some point I finally took matters into my own hands. I realized that things were not going to change under the current circumstances. Mark was not going to come back to make us a couple again! I called up one of my missing friends, she apologized for not calling in a long time. I told her that I knew she had a lot on her plate. She asked me how I was doing. I paused and said, I feel so alone. I am so afraid that I will never feel like doing anything again, but I feel like everyone has stopped asking me to be a part of things. I hope you won't give up on me. A week later they had a family barbeque. She called with an invite, and I felt like she had called my bluff. I had no desire to go and yet I new that if I didn't go I would not be included in future events. I did not want to go without my Mark! But I went. I cried the whole way there, was strong the whole time, and then cried all the way home. But it opened the door again. It was a small and painful victory. I started walking my dogs again and instead of going the opposite direction of my neighbors I waved and hollered hi! Baby steps back into the world.

I encourage everyone to not wait for your friends and family to figure out what to do. They are confused and scared that they will say the wrong thing or that they will make you more sad by talking about your loved one. So they just put on blinders.Decide what it is you need from your friends or from your family (which is also very difficult to figure out) and TELL THEM. You may to remind them and you may have to remind your self. This is not going to be a path that stays straight. I think most will agree that it is backwards and forwards and backwards again, not only for us but also for the relationships that we share. Patience not only with what you are tryig to do but with the those that don't know what to do or who are not strong enough to face us.

Another thing that I did to get back into contact with people was to have small dinners at my home. I would invite a couple friends and ask them to bring a small part of the meal. It would make them feel like they were helping me and it also allowed me to be with people in my safety zone, my home. It was so nice to just have a glass of wine, share a simple meal, catch up on there world. I cried myself to sleep after every meal, missing Mark and hating that he wasn't there. But I kept up with it. Every other week, a simple meal and only a few friends. Now it is our routine.

I encourage everyone to first allow yourself to grieve. Full blown grief can take months and years. But keep in touch with your feelings and ask yourself am I ready for something more? If so, what? The very hardest part of my grief journey has NOT been facing the pain. I am great at facing the pain! I am a certified pro at crying. I only buy water proof mascara! The hardest part is trying to figure what the hell to do next with my life. The hardest part is having the strength to do it alone. The hardest part is becoming a new person because I really liked the old me. I really liked my old life. I am moving forward and backwards kicking and screaming along the road, and I often don't see my own progress. I am often very, very discouraged with myself. I am constantly having to remind myself how far I have come. I was the girl in a ball on the floor for months, suicidal thoughts consumed me, I had NO desire to live and didn't even want the desire to live. Please know that if I can learn to rebuild you can do it too.

I hope your days are are easier. Cheryl

[azbrian]

Hi Cheryl,

Thanks for sharing that.

How was your open house last night?

[mfh]

Cheryl, Good for you. I have pretty much done the same thing. I invite myself and accept invitations. I get tired of calling people to see if they are going to an event in town and I get tired of going with friends instead of Bill but I force myself to do it. I was with my book club at the state park Thursday night. We laughed and had a good time and I cried all the way home but I went. Those closest to us are sometimes the ones who let us down. I finally figured out that no one will be Bill and that I will always be disappointed that I can not share with others the way i shared with him but I have to share. I can't and won't sit home so off I go, never having a phenomenal time but beats sitting in the house alone all the time. I have learned to call people and either invite them to go somewhere or ask if I can go with them. People have reached out in kind. It is hard, lonely, sad and empty but also fun and beats being alone. If I were in a new town like you are, Anne, it would be much more difficult but why not invite those ladies to a luncheon at your home..even two or three of them....once you break through with a couple they will probably include you. People get in ruts and people do not think beyond the ends of their noses sometimes and people do not know how to deal with widows...yes, even widows forget. I am sooo lonely but going out at the least is a distraction and at the best keeps me in touch with people who really do care. mfh

[Dwaynecg]

Brian,

I am in the same place you are. The only difference is that Pauline and I friends and her family around before she was diagnosed with MS. As her health failed no more friends would come by or call, no more of her family would come by and only call a very few times. Her Dad would call ,maybe twice a month. She had 2 close friends who were the only ones to come over and spend time with us. We got use to being alone just the 2 of us. The past 3 years none of her family would even invite us over for the holidays. Her best friend would come over and cut Pauline's hair when she wanted it cut. My family is all out west, Colorado, Texas, and California. I would get a call from my 4 brothers maybe once a year. My Mom and Dad would call once a month. I made Pauline holiday meals with all the fixings so we would have the holidays alone. But that was fine because we LOVED each other so much we didn't care as long as we had each other. After her passing her family was calling all the time. Dad calls a couple times a week. Now 3 months after her passing it is like before no one calls except for Pauline's Donna who would cut her hair. She calls almost every day and her new husband calls and we go for coffee, until 2 weeks ago when he was hit on his motorcycle. We go to the same church, so I have ben there for Donna. I offered my help to them any way I can. Even though it is like it was before no family calling. It is a lot harder to deal with now that I don't have Pauline. It is very lonely now. I am on unemployment also. I want to take the nursing courses, but now things have slowed down. At the career center I met with my counselor on June 1. I thought I was going to choose the school and go on from there, but he want me to be reclassified so I will be able to get food stamps and other assistance. Now I am starting that. I don't when I will start school now. I was hoping for early July but I don't know. I do find comfort being in our house, but without Pauline it is quite different. I thought it was just me not having friends and family calling. We are all in the same place. I am glad I have this forum to get things out and to see other people understand what I am going through. Thank all of you for your words of support something we all need

God Bless everyone

Dwayne