dave s Posted June 3, 2011 Report Share Posted June 3, 2011 It is day 25 since Mike died, have had days of not being able to get out of bed, but was able to force myself to get up and felt better, have had days when i wanted to forget about him and get rid of all his belongings, I slept on it and found that I actually wanted his belongings with me, I have had days mixed with laughter and crying, and actualy 2 days where I felt alive, today unfortunately i do not.....This week the bereavement counseling started, it was wonderfull, I attended a grief support group last night, and his family wants to meet with me this weekend to sign over his car to me.....as crazy as it seems i dont want to do it yet.....for it will mean that it is no longer Mikes car......it seems so final and yet i know it is final....I cant cry i cant smile,feel that i am sinking into a funk, am at work right now and feel that i cant deal with anyone, which is not good since i am a nurse! My coworkers are all so supportive they see the look on my face and are concerned trying to help me smile, i love them all but want them to stop! I want life to get back into a routine, but it wont for a long time....I feel physically ill and yet know it is all emotions and feel that I am going crazy! I am taking today 15 minutes at at time.... Well for some reason writing this note seems to have helped for a sec. better get back to work..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 3, 2011 Report Share Posted June 3, 2011 Oh, Dave I remember those early days and all those feelings you expressed. I still have not emptied Bill's closet because it means he is really gone. I am reaching out to you in your pain. It does get easier...or something..not sure of the right word. Take it a day at a time. mfh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave s Posted June 3, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 3, 2011 Thanks....right now i hope it gets busy around here so i can forget this for a sec. in the meantime I am practicing the breathing techniques that the counselor advised......they actually does seem to help a bit... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lainey Posted June 4, 2011 Report Share Posted June 4, 2011 Dave, You said" I want my life to get back into a routine". At 25 days you can't possibly get a routine. Today you may feel like you're able to cope, tomorrow may be altogether different. This will go on for a long time. I'm getting close to 18 months and still don't have much of a routine that I follow. I do things when I want, I sleep away afternoons, My kitchen looks like a cyclone goes through it once in a while. There are days I cry over the silliest thing, and then I'm fine for awhile.The only structure I have is going to the field house every Mon. Wed.and Fri. I pick up my SIL by 9 AM and if it weren't for that commitment I don't know if I'd go as often.I'm also walking the neighborhood on the days we aren't at the F.H.I don't work outside the home, run a small business from home and have lost interest in it . Be good to yourself, take the time to heal.. don't rush it. Working makes it hard to be able to spoil yourself, on your days off sleep as much as posible.. it heals your mind and spirit. Remeber to eat properly,and keep hydrated.(As a nurse you probably know this). Of course exercise is important also, as is councilling. Keep posting, it does wonder to e-talk with people in the same situation. Lainey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
azbrian Posted June 4, 2011 Report Share Posted June 4, 2011 Hi Dave, I am sorry you lost Mike. Get back to a routine after 25 days....... As someone who thought the same and with all due respect Dave, IMHO forget about it. I thought I could think and plan my way back like I have always done my entire life. Not gonna happen. Not that I am not smart enough, it has nothing to do with being smart. It has to do with the raw emotions that most of us have never felt before on this level. I have lost my only grandparents and my only aunt and uncle and while I was very upset about that I have learned that losing Ruth (spouse/partner/significant other) is a whole different thing. Part of me died as well that day. I am trying now to go with the flow of my process because if I try and do my own thing, the crash backs are worse. I know now I can't fix this or the process I am going through. Take care Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave s Posted June 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 4, 2011 AGAIN WHAT A DAY GOT HOME FROM WORK... TO FIND THE NEIGHBORS TAKING CARE OF MY FLOWERS! Watering all and pruning.... so lucky! have so much love and support, felt foolish because i just broke down crying..Currently I FEEL LIKE@#$#% BUT THAKFULL NEEDED TO WORK TOMORROW BUT KNOW i NEED SOME TIME SO CALLED OFF FROM WORK......LUCKY THEY ARE UNDERSTANDING...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susie Q Posted June 4, 2011 Report Share Posted June 4, 2011 Dave I don't remember much of the first six months which I had off from work. The ups and downs continue for me, so take the good times when they are there, however fleeting, and lean into the bad times and let them come over you - in their own way they give you the strength to get up and start the battle all over again. No-one expects you to be in control all of the time - least of all the kind people of the world who just want to do something to help but don't really know what. My best wishes for some comfort for you at this terrible, terrible time in the very early days...Susie Q Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melina Posted June 4, 2011 Report Share Posted June 4, 2011 Dave, I was on sick leave for six months, so that you're able to go back to work after 25 days is pretty amazing. But getting back to normal at this stage will probably be impossible. I'm still waiting to get back to normal - and it's been 10 months. Go easy on yourself. Melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
new Posted June 4, 2011 Report Share Posted June 4, 2011 Hi Dave, I am so sorry for your loss. I know the waves of pain are overwhelming and yet you still manage to get up each day and get through it. That is what happens at this early stage of grief, at least for me anyway. I lost my husband Feb 16 to a sudden accident and it is still very hard. I commend you that you were able to return to work. Nursing is a wonderful profession and I hope you are finding some distraction for a little while during your shift and some reward from helping others. I am also a nurse & I wasn't able to do it. I had recently been involved in several situations in critical care where we tried to revive someone and it didn't work. Every time I thought of returning to work, I would see my husband lying in that ER with the ET tube. It was so familiar for me to see that at work but not in my life. I am working, doing something else for awhile. I don't post often but read the posts at times and they do help. You have found a good place to find some validation that you are not the only one out there with these feelings. There are so many wonderful people that are supportive and offer kind words on this site. Be kind to yourself. I didn't know what that meant at first but am beginnning to understand. Be gentle and take things at your pace. Get plenty of rest and eat and drink fluids. I have stayed away from alcohol, I use to drink an occasional glass of wine in my old life but not since this new one began. I am afraid of the depressant effects of alcohol and God knows we don't need any help with being more depressed right now. Take care and allow those who are able to, to help you. I'm sure you have found that some of the people that you most thought would be there are unable. That just seems to be the way it is. Take care. Pat Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 4, 2011 Report Share Posted June 4, 2011 Hi Dave I agree with what folks are sharing. I am at 14+ months and I have no clue what normal is. I am in the recovery room where I plan to stay until I am ready to leave. This is a huge loss that affects everything in your life. It is the highest stressor on the stress scale.Be gentle with yourself. mfh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dave s Posted June 4, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 4, 2011 Today is a new day......I dont feel good about getting on with my day....but know all to well that if I force myself to get up I usually start feeling better...Spoke with my sisiter-in-law about handling all the business tomorrow told her i wasnt up to it, she suggested we wait,my reply was I wont feel any better about it next week or the next so would rather get through this milestone asap, she is so wonderfull, and will always be a part of my life!as for being a nurse, after working full time and caring for Mike fulltime....have realized I have np more to give to my patients....My boss has suggesed that I become the triage nurse, for awhile at least until I can focus more....really am lucky!Part of my life that was so important to Mike and I was our garden, of course it stopped being the priority with his illness and needs some tlc plan on spending some time at my own pace today on it and actually am excited about doing it, which i think is a good sign! while typing it just occured to me that Mike before he died stated "always think of me when you are taking care of the garden" it is so crazy the things I am remebering now, and actually am getting goose bumps talking about it now...I actually feel his presence and am smiling! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted June 4, 2011 Report Share Posted June 4, 2011 Dave, I'm sorry you lost your Mike. I remember those early days...I only took two weeks off work and one of those days I had to go in and do payroll. I remember it was hell, I was in shock, and so sensitive, such an emotional mess, it felt tumultuous. I can so understand what you are saying, it about sums it up for that timeline. I'm glad you have good neighbors and that Mike's family wants you to have his car. I had to sell George's, I was broke and his hospital bills were rolling in...I remember how hard it was to clean his car and trailer out to sell them. It was agonizing. Just try not to expect too much of yourself at this point, it takes time. Kay Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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