Suzanne R. Posted June 22, 2011 Report Share Posted June 22, 2011 I just wanted to mark today by remembering the 22nd of each month because my husband passed away on 1/22/10. I can perfectly understand how others feel since millions and everyone here are all going through this personal pain. At my bereavement group at Hospice, others have told me that I have gotten better. I really don't understand this, because I have the same thoughts and feelings as I had from the beginning. Maybe it looks like I have a different demeanor only because I am going through the motions of everyday living. But no one knows what's going on within me. Well, I am a basket case. What I don't understand is why I don't literally faint every day when I awaken at the realization of suddenly being without him again, and I don't understand how I can keep getting up out of bed every morning and do errands, go to appointments, do laundry and other things that living beings are required to do. I don't get it. Why have I not had a nervous breakdown or several in fact. I don't understand why some days I go without weeping. And how I stop crying once I start, because inside me is a waterfall of sobs that still need to fall. I know they are in me, because the tears always start again. I don't know why I act like life is normal when people say anything to me, like the postal clerks, bank tellers, cashiers and when I get a call from a family member. I act like Danny is just waiting for me at home or in the other room. But, it is empty when I get home or go into another room, then I remember to act like I really feel. I really don't understand that living like this is my life now. I wish there was a pill to take to get to sleep that I could take every day I wake up to go back to sleep for the next 24 hours for the next 40 years. There is no such pill. So, I will be continuing to live and I will continue to do what I need to do until the day comes for me or until I understand. God bless, Suzanne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
west Posted June 22, 2011 Report Share Posted June 22, 2011 You are doing it and you will make it. The grief does not leave but it does become more manageable. Truly people do not want to listen to you now, they think into your second year you are fine. I think the shock has worn off and the reality has set in and made it worse. I wish I had an answer but I feel your pain. I wish you peace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 23, 2011 Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 Dear Suzanne, Oh, how I get what you are saying. I could say 'ditto'. I am at 15 months, today was our 25th anniversary and I relived our wedding, re visited our honeymoon site and Bill's grave. I do not know what keeps me going either or why I bother to get up to do the hum drum stuff I did yesterday..feed the dog, pay the bills, publish my magazine (small), clean the toilet, get the mail, go to book club, have lunch with a friend only to come home to empty..empty and more empty. I smile and say I am ok when I am screaming inside, alone and in pain. Only with a handful can I even scratch the surface of being who I am. I am with you on this whole journey and feel such similar feelings and on we go...until we join our loved one...a day of joy again. We must have a mission here. I try to live that by helping people in pain and being there for my dog. But right...looking ahead 20 years is just not a good thing to do....YOU are not alone. I am here with and for you and so is this whole group. There are no answers, I believe. There is just believing that we have a mission here until we die. I wish you a moment of real peace. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suzanne R. Posted June 23, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 Dear west, Yes, I agree with everything you said. Thank you for your reply. Sometimes there are questions that require no answers they just are, being rhetorical. I was expressing my feelings and you have understood and I am very thankful to you. I pray you have peace as well. God bless you, Suzanne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Suzanne R. Posted June 23, 2011 Author Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 Dear Mary, This is why I share, even though sometimes I am hesitant because others may be at a different place and would rather not read posts that are only here to vent and purge ourselves of these feelings. They are not very pleasant or welcome, (the feelings) but when I am validated and understood especially in which you have done for me, it makes me feel relief. I am also so sorry that you and everyone here are going through this horrible time in our lives. You are very kind to answer and try to help. We are all doing it. Getting from one day to the next and I thank you for being there for me. Screaming inside, but keeping a straight face for those who don't get it. That's me. I don't know how we do it. But to have somewhere to go to makes it bearable somehow. Take care. I pray you have peace as well. God bless you, Suzanne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chrissie Posted June 23, 2011 Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 I so agree with all of you!! Tim passed on 1/31/2010 and there are times I still expect him to walk through the door. It's hard to explain that to others but you all understand. I live day to day, tell people I'm fine if they should happen to ask, even laugh & smile, but inside the pain is still there. I miss him so much and know I always will. Mary said we have a mission here until we die, I believe mine is to complete our bucket list for both of us. May we all find that mission in life. God Bless Chris Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwaynecg Posted June 23, 2011 Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 Suzanne, On June 25 at 2:30 PM marks 4 month that my Wife, Pauline, my Best Friend, my Soul Mate, and just a wonderful and giving person passed away. I cry every day for her. People say the same things to that they say to you, and it has only been 4 months. Unless someone has lost the Love of their Life, they just don't get it. Even moving forward into my life without Pauline grief has taken a toll on me. I have a health problems I have never had before. I am sure it is just another bump in the road I have to go through. I still have my eyes set on my goal of starting nursing classes in July. We all understand what you are going through. I believe you are making small improvements even if you cannot see them they are there. Keep your faith and we all will help you along the way. God Bless Dwayne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted June 23, 2011 Report Share Posted June 23, 2011 Dwayne You mentioned your health problems and I think many of us might be experiencing changes in health. I used to be energetic, alert and focused and pain free. Now I am just the opposite. I felt last October and am still dealing shoulder issues. My mind is AWOL and it is shocking how this entire chapter of care giving and Bill's death and grief affected my health. I believe some of it is because my immune system is compromised and I am vulnerable to anything. I wonder if others are experiencing physical issues. Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LarrysGirl Posted June 24, 2011 Report Share Posted June 24, 2011 Suzanne, I know the disbelief that comes when realizing this is the life you now have. Even at over 5 yrs. I just said recently to someone, that I don't have a life, that was swept away the day Larry died. I do like others, get up, feed the dogs, do what I have to and wonder how I've managed. Yet every evening when the day is finally quiet, dogs on the bed sleeping and I glance over at "his" side of the bed and tears still fall, maybe not sobs, but I still cry. I wish for you some peace and comfort. Deborah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lainey Posted June 24, 2011 Report Share Posted June 24, 2011 Whatever the length of time that any of us has grieved, we all seem to feel the same way. Dwayne's at 4 months, Deborah is at 5 years, I'm at 18 months.. yet we all wonder what our purpose in life is. Why are we still here? I have 3 children and 4 G/children,they are my purpose in life. Dwayne, your purpose as I see it is to become a wonderful,compassionate nurse. Mary, you need to publish your magazine for people to enjoy.. some of us have to look after the animals. We can all find a purpose if we look hard enough.I'm not lecturing, just hoping people can find something to help them cope. I don't think the pain ever goes away, it may lessen for a period of time and then WHAM.. it's back with a vengance. I feel like I have a huge black hole where my heart was when it comes to Lars. At least now,after 18 months I'm able to remember many happy times we had and can smile instead of cry. The deep sadness will always be there, I fear, but life will go on. Lainey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dwaynecg Posted June 24, 2011 Report Share Posted June 24, 2011 Mary, That is what my DR. told me when I was so sick back in March. The Nurse Practitioner was the one who had really seen me back then, She was consulting the DR. They said my immune system was to low. I do think that being a care giver for many months prior to your loved ones death dose have an efect on that person, compared to short term care giving. Dwayne Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ksbeachbum Posted June 24, 2011 Report Share Posted June 24, 2011 Dwayne: Please pamper and nuture yourself. I agree that our immune systems are shot after long term caregiving. One week after Randy passed on 4/12/11 I wound up in the ER for kidney stones. Had surgery, then a bout of poison ivy after trimming the backyard. I fell one day after that, just walking and sprained by ankle. I had a mammogram on Monday and they called me back today for more pictures as something suspicious they are concerned with. I am trying to keep very good care of myself but the stress of 18 months of caregiving comes out in physical ways. Take care of yourself and allow yourself to heal, emotionally and physcially. Blessings Becky Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melina Posted June 24, 2011 Report Share Posted June 24, 2011 Dwayne You mentioned your health problems and I think many of us might be experiencing changes in health. I used to be energetic, alert and focused and pain free. Now I am just the opposite. I felt last October and am still dealing shoulder issues. My mind is AWOL and it is shocking how this entire chapter of care giving and Bill's death and grief affected my health. I believe some of it is because my immune system is compromised and I am vulnerable to anything. I wonder if others are experiencing physical issues. Mary I know that I used to be very fit and active. I ran every day. I still walk the dog every day, but I notice that I'm not as strong as I was a year ago. I get tired more quickly and have trouble walking uphill - get short of breath. I haven't been sick - no colds or viruses of any kind. But I just feel less healthy. Melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now