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I Just Couldn't Do It.


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So the Fall River Relay for Life started tonight. It's held in Somerset and I knew Harry was going to be there. I told myself that I was going to go....and I was going to walk the memorial lap. But I just couldn't bring myself to do it.

Last year Jeff and I had formed our own team. I had been doing the relay for years, but it was my first time heading up a team. We got all our kids and their friends involved, we pitched tents on the track and we raised quite a bit of money. When it came to the memorial lap we walked up to the stage so we could hear the ceremony. Jeff stood behind me with his arms wrapped tight around me and whispered in my ear that he couldn't imagine me being there without him. I was reduced to tears, because I couldn't imagine being there without him either. We would have never in a million years guessed that less than a month later, Jeff would be gone.

I know Jeff would not be upset with me for not going....but I can't help being disappointed in myself that I couldn't muster the strength to do it. I just didn't want to sob in front of all those people....and I knew that is exactly what my reaction would have been tonight.

Maybe next year I will be able to do it. I am so hoping to be in a better place by then!

Hugs,

Tammy

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Oh, Tammy...it is ok. Be gentle with yourself. That is what Jeff would want...I would bet all I have that he would never be disappointed in you...never. I am amazed that you did all you did. I am not sure I could have showed up let alone do the memorial lap. I could not attend a memorial service a few weeks ago....and it was not attached to any memories of Bill and me doing anything there. I know you are disappointed and I would probably be disappointed with myself also but I hope you can just be gentle with you and know that Jeff is not disappointed at all. He understands. I wish I had a magic wand to take away your pain tonight. Mary

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Tammy, One of the important things I've learned through this grief journey, is it's good to recognize and acknowledge when you're not up to something. It's part of being in tune with yourself. We've been through so much, we have to take good care of ourselves, not only physically, but mentally and emotionally and spiritually. (((hugs)))

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Dear Tammy,

I wondered if you would get there Friday, but after our conversation at Taunton I was pretty sure you were not going to be up to it. I think, though, you did the right thing for you at this moment in time. It would have been very hard. The intensity of the whole experience overwhelmed me several times over the course of the night. I cannot imagine I would be ready if this were being held the first week in December with the first anniversary looming--and this having been one of our last times together.

We raised just over $4200 between Taunton and Fall River. And they gave us the Team Spirit Award--largely because we always had someone on the track--right up until the closing ceremony at 10 a.m. Only my brother and I were left by that point. When they announced it I couldn't move--I was that stunned. The Fall river Relay made $280,000 this year--$40,000 more than their goal.

I was really glad we had done Taunton. To confront that level of intensity on the first time would really have been tough to do. As it was, I really felt overwhelmed by everything. Having to leave for 3 hours for the retirement dinner did not help--that was an emotionally intense event as well.

I have to go to BU to teach again tomorrow. I just checked in to see what was going on and knew immediately I had to reply to this. I know this is a tough time for you. If you need anything, let me know.

Peace,

Harry

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Dear Tammy,

I wanted to do the walk with Harry also. I was planning on a tee shirt I would have made for Pauline. But my health took a turn and I could not do the walk. I live in Somerset so I went by to see if I could find Harry, but there were so many tents people and cars I could not walk around to find him. I felt bad because I wanted to give him support. No way I could walk around to find him. I went home feeling bad that I could not be there if only for support. Next time I will be in good health and try again. I know how hard it is for you without Jeff with you. I feel the same without Pauline here. I hope you will find peace someday soon. I think I have a long way to go before I can find that myself. I am glad to have this place to come to let out feelings. Everyone understand here what we all have to go through.

God Bless you and your family

Dwayne

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