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Thursday a 32 year old man disappeared in our community, his name was Steve Dickerson. His mom was my daughter's third grade teacher and his father worked with me for years. His sister was in my son and daughter's classes.

One of his best friends is one of my son's close friends, so they went out searching for him (his truck and backpack were found in the mountains a few miles away from here). They knew he knew the land well and if he wasn't found it was because he didn't want to be. He left a note in his truck, something about finding peace. after much searching, someone found his body yesterday...they didn't say but he probably shot himself because he had a gun.

There are times I feel hopeless, times I feel no one cares, but in seeing what this whole town and esp. his family and close friends are going through because of this, it really makes you think. Some people don't know what to say or do for a loved one that is hurting. But that doesn't mean they don't care. The devastation left behind will haunt his family, particularly his parents and sister, for the rest of their lives. I knew someone else that commit suicide a few years ago...it has been so hard on his sister I'm not sure she'll ever forgive him for it or get over the anger she feels at his abandoning her like that.

I just want to say, if you ever feel like ending it all because the pain is so great or you don't see the point of going on or you think you don't matter to anyone all that much, please think again. When we commit suicide all we do is cut our options...the option of experiencing love or joy again. Life has a way of not staying the same. Some of us are in the valleys right now and some of those valleys have been long ones...but that does not mean there won't ever be another mountain. Maybe it won't be like it was before we lost our partner, but there can still be those little joys...remember to look for them, it takes a conscious effort.

Steve was despondent ever since his XGF cheated on him a couple of years ago. He felt he should be married and have children by now. Trust me, NOONE is worth committing suicide over. If they make you feel that bad trust me, they aren't worth it. There's no time frame that says we should have children by 32 or be married by 30. It's not a partner or children or things or a job or bank account or title that makes us happy...happiness has to come from within and sometimes it takes some real searching to discover it Happiness is not what another person provides...there is a temporal happiness maybe with someone but not the lasting stuff we need to discover within us.

Hang in there, please don't despair.

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I remember saying to my brother very shortly after Bill died that I did not want to go on. That was how I felt and on occasional I still feel that I am biding my time here right now. I remember his response saying other people want us to go on.

I have always known that I would never commit suicide no matter what happened to me. I walked through that with too many families of those who did kill themselves over the years on my job. The ones left behind suffer tremendously...just as all of us are suffering now. Your community and family and friends have been through a lot. The reminder is a good one...that we each matter to others and that the future will be better. If we are here, we have a purpose.

Mary

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Dear Kay,

I am sorry to learn of this man's choice to take his life. I am sorry for the pain those left behind will have to experience and resolve. I am still healing from my Melissa's choice to suicide; never mind my brother and sister too. Melissa's choice to not leave a note for me of any kind has been extrememly difficult.

I must say that my heart goes out to those that are in that place of feeling the only choice is to die. I lay no blame with the person who makes the choice because at that particular moment that feels like their only choice. At that point all clarity of thought is lost; all reason is vanished; all hope extinguished; and in some eye's their act feels like an act of love because they truly believe their loved one's, the world would be better without them in it.

Oh how I weep just now for the tragedy of this form of death. Rest in peace dear man that Kay has told us about. Rest in peace.

Blessings and Courage, Carol Ann

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Guest Nicholas

Suicide is never far from my own thoughts, in fact I probably think about it every day, but it wouldn't bring Thanomsil back, nor would it reunite us in the same environment as before. It would also set my rebirth back, if such a thing exists, and I might be reborn as a toad (apologies to all toad-lovers out there).

At times the pain of grief is unbearable and the struggle equally hard.

Nicholas

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Dear Kay,

I am so sorry about your friend. I have lost a close friend in 1973 to suicide. I had seen him at a restaurant I had stopped to eat at. He was in the bar drinking. I talked to him for hours about life. He was depressed, maybe my words never reached him. After he left he went home and shot him self. When I went to the wake his mother, thank me for reaching out to him. I did not need thanks because I was unsuccessful. His family was from Mexico, and had a big feast for him and we celebrated his life, not the death. It made me see thing different from then on. I have been asked I I am suicidal over Pauline. I never have and never will be. God has more work for me to do here before we are reunited again. I have always been a deep thinker. Even at that time in my life. I just wish I could have made him see the good in life and somehow forget the bad that is happening at that moment in time. I have been down many times. Just last week and Kay and Mary picked me back up on my feet to keep moving forward down this journey we are all taking.

God Bless

Dwayne

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Kay:

So sorry about your son's friend. Suicide is so horrific for the family. My nephew, age 13 died of suicide in 2006. He was my sister's only child and was bipolar. She is not the same person after that occurred. She was a very successful partner in a public relations company in Denver. She handled the Coors account and United airlines account amongst others. Now she can barely function and is on disability with PTSD. It is so sad. She and her husband divorced before the suicide. He died under her watch and she can't get over the guilt. I sometimes think of suicide to get out of the pain that I feel, but know that is not the answer and would not want to leave my son thinking he did/did not do something.

Again, so sorry this happened.

Blessings

Becky

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Becky,

I am so sorry about your sister. WE had no children of our own. So I have no experience with that part of life. God brought Pauline together because he knew she would need all my strength and help don the road. I wish there were some way to help your sister. She will be in my prayers everyday from now on.

God Bless us all and our journey through this grief

Dwayne

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I ADMIT I THOUGHT OF SUICIDE A FEW TIMES DURING THIS ORDEAL AS YOU KNOW THE PAIN IS SUCH THAT I WOULD RATHER HAVE MY LEG AMPUTATED! BUT EVERYTIME I DID SO MY 5 YR OLD THERAPIST/NEPHEW AND HIS 2 YR OLD ASSISTANT/NEICE CAME TO MIND.........KNOWING NO MATTER HOW BAD IT GOT I COULD NEVER LEAVE THAT FOR THEM TO TRY TO UNDERSTAND....AND BESIDES MIKE WOULD BE FURIOUS WITH ME....MY THOUGHTS ARE WITH THE POOR FAMILY..........

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