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Picking Up The Pieces


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You would think at my age I would be used to a broken heart or two. I could not reach 58 without having a disappointment or two by now… Remember that first boyfriend or breakup? How about the heart stopping disappointment of your first car wreck? Life on a farm can be very educating, so I learned early about a tragedy or two… I will never forget the gut wrenching sound of my dog being ran over before my very eyes. Let's see… I have gone through a divorce and I know it can be a quite a heart dis-solver. Or even death… my dad died in 1996, my mother 9 days before my husband.

So what does it feel like when your heart is broken and you can't catch your breath?

Do we really get over it or do we grow through it? I don't have the answers I just know that today it is very uncomfortable this time around. This broken heart of mine is not where it is supposed to be, it is laying in pieces exposed for all to see and it's like no other time in my life. The pieces are sharp and jagged and when I try to put them back where they belong the pain cuts deep which reminds me that my heart is still looking for the "glue" that holds itself together.

This "glue" I'm talking about is the love that Bob and I shared. It is the partnership and future that I have come to depend on and it now lays scattered before me in pieces as Bob and my heart still feel as one. Today as I am grieving I reach out tenderly for a piece of my heart. I try to place it back in the spot where it belongs but there is not enough "glue" to hold it in place. The jagged piece of my heart cuts deep with loss and sends an overwhelming cry throughout my body and it looks for the rest of the pieces that lay broken on the floor in front of me.

It's an exhausting game we play, my broken heart and I. I wonder how long it will take to quiet my grief, so we can begin to slowly fit each piece back together where they belong. I need to start to feel whole once again and not in pieces.

Bob was such a great role model for me and I try to keep him in mind in all my decisions now. He did not whine about what was handed to him during his cancer. He did not feel sorry for himself, not one bit. We had our moments together, don't get me wrong but we got over them together. "He told me just to pick ourselves up and put our boots back on." Bob lived that way, in everything he did personally and professionally. I think this is what I miss the most right now because of the uncertainty in my life without him. I try to keep his strength of character and love as a guide all around me, I just need to relax… and get my heart pieces back together again.

Peace to all.

Deb

redesign08.blogspot.com

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Dear Deb,

WE all have broken hearts on here. I know it will take me a long time for my heart to heal, if it ever does. One thing is for sure you are with the right people here to help you piece back those sharp pieces of your heart.

What is helping me is a combination of different things in my life now. I come here every day, most the time 3-4 times. I have my hospice group meetings, I try to attend 1 every week. I have my church that Pauline and I love so much going to years ago before the MS took that away from her too. I have Pauline's best friend Donna and her husband Greg. They have became my new family now. I get no support from any of Pauline's family or even my family all out west.

We all go through grief differently, how we come out I do not I know yet. I do know that everyone here helps each other out so much. Mary and Kay have been a god send for me. MartyT always knows just what to say and guide you through this time in your life. It is not ease to get through. I have had so many health problems after Pauline passed. I can't believe it. Problems I have never had before. By the grace of God he kept me healthy to take care of Pauline for so many years and they last 2 1/2 years were the hardest. I thank God for all his help he gave me in my months and days and hours of need. Just to give me the strength to keep going and never stop. Now he slowed me down, and time is for my healing. I feel stronger every day. One more health problem to get through then I think I am ready to get started again in this new life that I never wanted, but the choice was not for me to make.

God Bless you Deb, may he rebuild your shards of your broken heart, and he will, comfort your soul and lift you up again.

Dwayne

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Deb, so sorry that you are hurting. A year ago in April, when I joined this forum, I was where you are now. My husband Michael had died on January 13th, 2010, very unexpectedly, of a massive coronary. I was in the hospital 1 1/2 hours away, just having had a total knee replacement two days before. I had to learn of his death over the phone from my daughter who found him. He had experienced no symptoms, and we had talked only a few hours before his death on the phone, and he seemed fine. He was 62 years old. I am saying all this to say, that I felt like you did, that my heart was broken and would never mend. Now after 1 1/2 years since his death, my heart still hurts, but I have learned to live with the pain, and in its own way, it is mending. It will never be like it was before, just like none of us will ever be the same. We are all having to learn a new "normal". My heart has scars that will never leave, I will miss him forever. Do I feel exactly like I did a year and a few months ago. No, I don't, I still hurt, and there are some pretty bad days, but I am better, and I think you will be also someday. You also lost your Mother, so you really had a double whammy of grief. We all move through this journey at our own pace, some move faster than others, we are all unique, and our own grief is unique. Take care of yourself.

Praying for comfort and strength for you on this journey

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

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Deb,

You asked if we get over it. We do in the sense that we adjust eventually to our new life...that doesn't equate with liking it. We don't in the sense that we are changed by our experience.

I've had six major relationships:

2 broken engagements (at their instigation)

2 husbands left me for other women and were abusive

1 husband may/may not have loved me but didn't show it

1 husband adored me but died

With each one it has made indelible marks on me...I've changed because of these experiences. I will never let a man physically harm me after my experience with my first husband. I won't share titles/debts with someone after my last husband. I will listen to my gut instincts and trust them after my last experience. I have learned to appreciate and never take for granted because of my relationship with George. I do not trust men as far as I can spit because of my last broken engagement and the ones preceding it.

Are these changes good? Yes, I needed to learn to be more cautious and learn I don't need anyone in my life. But they're kind of sad lessons to have to learn too. My life lessons as a result of George are positive ones, although death in itself breaks your heart too, you just don't have anyone to blame it on like in a divorce.

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I received an email from a friend that said... "We will never forget Bob and all the things we used to do together as kids and grown ups and we will grieve along with you but keeping his memories in your heart you will put together those jagged edges. If it gets too sharp on those edges I am sure Bob would have a piece of sand paper to smooth it out. Just ask him, I am sure he is listening and watching over you."

Unconditional love... it's a rare gift if ever given in our lives. It's rarely a perfect love, and we sometimes take it for granted. One heart piece fell into place today. It wasn't easy, it hurt a lot. Because of a friend's reminder that my husband is watching out for me, with love and I will grow into this new life of mine one day at a time tears and all.

Peace to all.

Deb

redesign08.blogspot.com

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Deb,

I know Bob is watching over you like my Pauline is watching over me all the time. Each day I get better and stronger. The same will be for you. It is still too fresh of your loss. As days turn into months the Sharpe pain will ease.

God Bless

Dwayne

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kayc,

You have been very honest and open with your relationships posted here. I have to wonder just how did you give your heart away after being broken one after another? Trust would definitely be an issue I would think? I know I have my own "issues"... without going into a lot of details here, I have a small story I would like to share with you.

I found my husband's journals after he passed since I was going through some boxes. A couple of them dated back to when we met, he called me "his Ice Princess". Really... it surprised me, but then I have to realize it was his perspective remember. I also had a couple of bad relationships before meeting him. Sooooo, I was very reserved, very "off limits" so to speak. But then he was very interested... kept at me. We were married 9 years, lived together for 12 years, knew each other for 14 years.

At the fine age of 58 my life is not over, my husband would want to see me happy again. Trust someone ever again? Not so sure I will be able to do that either. Love again? I would hope so, but I can't imagine it right now. Will I be ready in a year? Maybe if this heart of mine is not in so many pieces... I do know I want to be happy again. My husband would want me to be happy again. We talked about living life too many times for me not to know better, deep down it would be silly to deny what he believed in. But, the grief is so tender now.

Thank you for being so open.

Deb

redesign08.blogspot.com

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Dear Deb,

I understand how you feel. I am only 5 month into my grief, But I feel like I have come a long way in just the past 6 weeks Having the X@# Foley in for so long made it hard to do the things I wanted and need to do. I still went to my hospice meetings once a week. I have 2 great friend, no they are my family now, Donna and Greg. Donna was Pauline's friend for almost 30 years. Without them I would have been so much harder to get through. After waking up in recovery and seeing Pauline's beautiful face Healthy and Happy, just brought my spirit up so much. Our loved ones never leave us Along with God they help guide us down our new path that we all must take now. Keep moving forward, I know it is so hard to do. But we still have a lot to give in our lives. Will I ever love again I do not know. I do know that NATS has shown it can happen again.

God Bless, may he heal your broken heart and bring you comfort

Dwayne

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Deb:

You are a excellent writer and we share so many similiarities in our past. I too had/have trust issues from a previous marriage. Randy was upfront about his feelings for me early on and I did everything to push him away, but he wasn't going anywhere. We kindly and amusingly refered to it as him working me. He did and it worked for 16 years. He also was a strong man, never complaining about the cards we were dealt and always trying to lighten up the moment with his humor. I so miss his big belly laugh. Not sure about the pieces being put back together. Maybe, but not the way they should be. I feel like it would be a puzzle where you try to make them fit but it should doesn't fit right.

Bob would want you to go on, live a happy life and take what you learned from him and spread it around. Pay it forward. That is the only thing that keeps me going.

Again, keep the posts coming, your writings make me reflect on what our union was all about and how I can keep his honor and memories alive.

Blessings

Becky

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Thank you Becky,

I think you are right... I was thinking I could fit these pieces of my heart in the very same place they belonged but it's not working out that way so far. I cleaned out my closet but my husband's clothes just went downstairs into another closet. I couldn't let them go very far. A friend wanted his jeans to make Christmas gifts for his daughter and I just couldn't do it yet. Maybe next spring I told her. I feel bad but I'm just not ready. I thought I did good just getting them downstairs... hope she understands.

My daughter and her boyfriend are staying with me in my house. My daughter has helped me tremendously but the tension has been building... I don't like the boyfriend very much (personality). I have tried to keep an open mind and be nice but when someone thinks they know everything it just doesn't set well after time. I know my husband wouldn't not listen to it.

My husband's 2 daughters have not called me or come over to the house for over a month. The oldest with grandchildren is 30, she used to come over at least every week or 2 weeks... I finally send her a card, told her I was thinking of her (olive branch).

It seems not only did I lose my husband but my world is changing all over the place. Our house isn't paid for so I'm thinking of selling... I can't afford to pay out what I don't make by myself. Pay rent but don't get anything back from that? What to do...

I won't turn 59 until after next January... 401K is taxed too greatly to be of any help until then if the government doesn't ruin us until then.

So... my pieces will go back slowly but probably not the same. It won't feel good I'm certain of it. My life will not look the same that's for sure. And who chooses to stay in it will be their choice. I need to look after me, I have to find a healthy life again. One that is cancer free, one that is full of light and love.

Thank you all for listening.

Peace to you.

Deb

redesign08.blogspot.com

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Deb,

My heart goes out to you as you face all of these choices. I'm kind of in the same dilemma, what to do! Houses aren't selling here and the market dropped so much there's no value left. The payments are extremely difficult to manage...I'm not sure of a good solution. It's very unfortunate that our government destroyed our economy and our country so thoroughly and so quickly!

You asked...One of the reasons I've been so open is so hopefully no one else will be as stupid as I've been! I always figured everyone was different and you can't hold it against one person for what another's done, but after all I've been through...I don't trust any more. It would take quite a person to break through the walls of my heart and I doubt anyone would care to try that hard! Happy (in that way)? I don't look for that. I reckon just to have life go a bit smoother would be happiness enough for me. I don't see a man as a solution to anything, it's funny, I always had a lot to offer and was so loving and giving, but I've run into so many that are out for themselves. George was not that way, he was the most loving, caring human being I've ever met! But he was exceptional, I'm afraid they broke the mold after him...

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