So Sad- My Story

[Meg1979]

hi everyone, i am new here.

i've been with my husband since i was 15 yrs old (32 now) we divorced just this past dec but we were best friends- we also have a 7 year old beautiful daughter together. july 15 i was with him, he took my car so the mechanic could take a look, when he droped of my car i had no idea that it would be our last time, our last hug! on july 17 he was on a boat with 5 other people, they all say that he jumped in (he would never as he does not know how to swim) investigation is still taking place. july 29th his body was found in the water. i went crazy, i need him. his brother whom i never got along with wants to ship his body back to his country- far away! i need him here!!!! my daughter needs a place where she can visit him, he will never be able to walk her down the aisle, i want her to go to his grave in her wedding dress etc- i need a place where i can go and talk to him. because our daughter is not 18 yrs old she has no rights, next of kin is his mother who is back in his country ( still doesnt know he is dead cause the brother is in denial and doesn't want to deal with it. family is not answering my calls, i have no idea what is going on- i didn't tell our daughter yet. i am a mess, i know he would want to be where his child is, but he had no will.

what do i do? i called the coronor office and the body is still there, it will have to be a closed casket cause the body is so decomposed, they said if i signed papers that i will not hold them responsible to trauma in my life, the funeral home will let me see him, and i feel the need- just to hold his hand. they say it will get easier as time goes by, but to me its just harder. i need to take him from that freezer and have a safe place where he can rest in peace- i don't know why his family is being like this!!!!

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Meg,

I welcome you to this most wonderful place. Here you will be able to get all the support and advice, from many people who know so much about meant different things.

Does the corner's office knows about you divorce? If not just go to claim the body yourself. Did his brother went, back to his homeland yet?

One way is to have him cremated, and you could get half and his Mother and Brother could get half.

I do not now where you live but you can make a memorial in your back yard. I have done that for my wife Pauline, she past 5 months ago from end stage MS. She suffered many years with that disease. She donated her body to science, I will get her ashes back in about 1-1 1/2 years. We just rent, but have been in this apartment for over 21 years. All the 3 owners of the propriety has understood how sick she was. In the back yard is an island of different trees and bushes and vine. I buried our first little dog in there and the Pauline's 2 helping hands monkeys. I made her a promise I will stay here until she comes home again.

I have to tell you a story. On Pauline's 5 month anniversary of her passing I need surgery. As they woke me up in recovery the last thing I saw was Pauline's beautiful face Healthy and Happy. The same hair color I had dyed her hair 5 weeks before her passing and she loved the color, best of all. They are around us all the time DEATH does not take them from us God uses them to help guide us down our new journey of life. He will always be with your daughter watching over her. Yes it does take FAITH. After seeing Pauline, I am on top of the moon. I will be starting nursing classes soon. I cannot, wait.

God Bless you Meg and you Daughter, may HE bring you peace into your broken heats and comfort you souls, I pray to the Lord he resolves your problem you are having now. I ask this in His name Jesus Christ

Dwayne

[Meg1979]

Thank you Dwayne.

they know we are divorced so i cannot go and claim his body- wish i could- all i want now is for him to rest in peace- when he rests i rest. he is muslim so i don't think cremation would go well, but no one is telling me anything- his brother is just like that- more tests were performed and to get results it will take 6 month. i just hope they don't take him away from us- its so hard, not in a million years i thought this would happen to him- he use to tell our daughter "daddy is a beast from the middle east" no one can hurt me. and now just knowing that he did not die of drowning, that someone hurt him just kills me! every night i ask him to come to me and one night i felt a tug on my arm, next day after that my bed fell to the floor. i am not scared and i wish he would visit me every night. i live in a condo so i don't have a backyard- i just want to find out what is going on with his body- i don't want him lying in a freezer, plus as soon as funeral home will pick him up i will be able to see him if i sign papers that i will not hold them responsible for trauma it might cause me- i am ready to sign thouse papers cause i just need to hold his hand- i know the body will not look anything like him but i just have the need to do this, i need to see it to beleive it.

[just one more hug]

Meg...perhaps better to remember your loved one as he was??? No one can tell you how to feel or what you really want...but the heartache you may suffer from the viewing may blur the memory forever of the face and expressions you hold so dear right now. Just a thought. A dear friend of mine lost her son in a tragic accident and was advised not to view his body. She insisted and now can never erase that awful moment. He was a beautiful boy...but that picture is forever burned in her soul. My husband was cremated and our son has his ashes..waiting to be mingled with mine when the time comes. Hopefully, this could become an option for you. Our family has never felt the need of a place to visit...knowing by faith that he is always around us anyway.

Have you consulted a lawyer??? First consult is usually free. Just a thought. Wishing you an outcome that will give you and your son peace of mind. Just think hard before you commit to a viewing....keep the image of the one you loved safe in your heart and your mind. God Bless....Carol

[Meg1979]

carol, i worked at a funeral home before- death and looking at dead bodies does not bother me, yes this time it will be much different cause he was such with me since i was 15 and father of my child. i might ask them to cover him, i will just sit with him and hold his hand.

lawyer said because our daughter is only 7 years old she has no right (nice huh?) next of kin is his mother who still does not know and this is going on the 3rd week!!!!

i am just so tired and want this all to end.

not sure about the requirnments to ship a body internationaly, but i know there is a lot of paper work involved and i heard that if the body is badly decomposed they might not even allow it cause it is 14hr flight- his family is muslim so i think embalming is out of the question and i think that is another requirnment.

just not sure what to do. sometime i feel like steeling his body and doing it myself but that would be a little crazy!!! i just don't want him to be in that freezer!!! breaks my heart.

[just one more hug]

Meg...so sorry....I printed your "son"...I did mean you and your daughter.....sorry...good luck in what ever the outcome...Carol

[kayc]

Meg, have you talked to an attorney? You say his mother is next of kin, could you call her and let her know and give her some time to absorb the information and then make contact again about the arrangements? It's not up to his brother to decide if his mom is net of kin, she needs to be informed, I'm surprised the police haven't done that already. How long can they just keep a body in the freezer? This is costing more money as time goes by, it needs decided upon. If he is Muslim and would not have wanted cremation, then I guess that's out. I agree that he should be where his daughter can visit but that may not be a choice...unfortunately, divorce impacts legalities and places of the heart are not considered by law. I am sorry for your loss and for the situation you are in.

[Meg1979]

last night the coronor called, we were waiting for finger prints results to come and it was positive- he told me a lady called (his brother's wife and made arrangements) she chose a funeral home near no where where he ever lived!!!! who would do that? its a no name funeral home!!! never heard of them, they do have a website and all- prices seam cheper there, most things done there are cremations!!!!! now, maybe because they want to save money they will burn him and ship his ashes back to his country!!! this would be agains his wishes!!! no one but the cornor is calling me, havent heard from family for a long time, maybe they won't even tell me about funeral details- they are just so different and weird, not once did anyone call to see if our child is ok!!!!! i am losing everything, i keep on telling him i will do what it takes to fight for his rights- but legally i cant do anything.

[kayc]

I would still talk to his mother...appeal to her as a mother, after all, you are the mother of his child, just as she is his mother! If they do have him cremated, ask her for a bit of his ashes for your child. Who could deny a child that?!

I'm sorry, I know you have to feel very frustrated and hurting. You are grieving too and it seems no one is considering that. My heart goes out to you. Do you have family nearby that is supportive, or friends?

[Meg1979]

i just spoke to the funeral home, they said there will be no visitation, his body is going back to his country- they won't even let my daughter say good bye to her daddy!!!! what kind of monsters are they???? i am a mess!!! how could anyone take her right away like that. when i asked if i could see him the guy told me i am not family!!!!!! i don't know what to do anymore- how can anyone do this!!!!!!!! i can't call his mother cause she doesn't speak english. family is not answering any of my calls or texts. i just have no energy for this all.

[just one more hug]

God works in strange ways....don't we all here know that....try to give it some time and put your energy into giving you daughter extra attention and maybe writing a journal with his pictures and all the wonderful things you can remember about him. Your daughter would treasure this one day. There are things in life we have no control over..no matter how we try....so write this down while all your memories are fresh...maybe this will ease your heartache and send you in another direction. Anger over what you can't fix will eventually make you sick...then what will your daughter do??? She will be proud of your strength and she needs comfort too...to know her daddy loved her is more important than where his body is...remind her he will always be with her..and you...in spirit. It will take courage to let this go...but I bet you have it. All of us here have had to bend to God's will...like it or not...Wishing you strength to know what you can change and what you can't.....and to go forward with your daughter to a more peaceful life...knowing you will see him again one day....Carol

[kayc]

Carol offered good advice, it's hard but we have to accept what we can't change and do our best with what we can. Thank God they aren't fighting you for custody/visitation rights.

[Meg1979]

i have decited to have a memorial here for him, they might take his body away - far away- but i know he will always be here, where his daughter is. i will have the memorial as it is so not fair how his family is doing this- we all have the right to say good bye, so i will invite his friends, co-workers etc- our daughter as well as i do need the clousure. i will go to my funeral home on wednesday, this way i will do everything my way cause i know how he would of wanted. his family will not be invited as they took our rights away. they will NEVER see our child as they scared her for life and took her rights to her daddy away. she is the closes thing, she is his one and only blood- u would think the family would of treated her a little different. they are all dead to me and no one will see her. i tried everything, at the end of the day i will be able to sleep knowing i tried. they will have to live for the rest of their lives knowing what they had done!!!! they can try to take me to court but they will never win cause they never do anything in the best interest of the child. his best friend from his country tired helping me as he is on my side, he called they and they wouldn't hear it. he promised me he will buy a teddy bear, flowers and place our picture on his grave from us- he said he knew how much he loved me and all he talked about was me and his child- he said he consideres me his sister. he will be coming to canada and i told him he will be the only one who will be able to see our child.

i at least wanted to see him before they ship him out, i want to put a teddy bear, pictures and a letter for him in the casket so he is not alone!!! i will never get that chance.

i will make plans for a beautiful memorial, i will have his pictures all over, flowers music and friends, after i will take the flowers and go to the beach where he was found.

thank you everyone for listening to me, i know there are so many that are going through loss of a loved one and i am really sorry this has to happen to so many of us.

[just one more hug]

Meg...your on the right track now....the memorial is a great idea.....let the sleeping dogs lay..(his relatives)..else you may open a can of worms you may regret...keep going forward with the memorial...it hopefully takes your heart down another path...and be a good way to honor your loved one...he will be proud of you....I pray it will also take away some of the anger you feel and replace it with even a small healing of your heart. It's a long journey...I write to you through my own pain and broken heart...you are not alone....Carol

[kayc]

That is a great idea! He lives on in your hearts and finding a way to keep him alive and with you will help you both.

[Meg1979]

thank you everyone. saturday was his funeral back in his country- he left on thursday and we never got a chance to say good bye. they put his death notice in the paper in his country, named step brother who he hasn't spoken to in years and they never even mentioned he had a daughter!!!!!!!!!!!!!! how sad is that???? i am so tired, i fought for a month to have his body here. now i can't fight anymore, i don't even have the energy- all i wanted to do is hold his hand and say good bye. now its too late. he is gone forever.

[kayc]

This could not be how he wanted it. It is their loss, their excluding his daughter, for they won't know her. Stupid people!

I hope for a more peaceful time ahead for you, at least you have your little girl, they can't take that away.

[MartyT]

Meg, dear, I am so very sorry this has unfolded in such a tragic way for you and your daughter ~ but I don't agree that "he is gone forever" ~ I hope and pray that you will find a way to keep the memory of your beloved alive in your heart and in your daughter's heart, where he will live forever. ♥

[Meg1979]

thank you, yes he will be with us forever- i just wish i could have him here- all i wanted and begged for was to hold his hand and say good bye.

they say time will heal and ease the pain, today is 1 month and 1 day and its getting harder cause i miss him, the talks we had, our plans for our daughters future.

i have no choice but to go on.......

thank you everyone for listening to me and for all your support- it means so much. funny how strangers are more helpful than family. (my daughters friend passed away in june, she was just 8 years old) i spoke with her mom for the first time and she said that my daughter can use her daughters grave to talk to her daddy- she is such a sweet lady and god bless her- we will visit her friend and talk to him.

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Meg,

He is never gone from your life. He, still lives on in your daughter, and all your memories. I have a place in our bedroom with Pauline's, pictures and a few of Pauline's favorite little pieces, where I light a candle for her almost every night. It brings me great comfort to watch the candle burn for hours. I do not have a grave to go visit or anything like that. Because she donated her body to science. It will be about a year from now when I get her ashes back.

Maybe you could do something like that, where you and your daughter could find some peace to remember the good times, and forget the bad ending.

God Bless, My God, bring you both peace and comfort to your hearts and souls.

Dwayne

[mfh]

Dear Meg, I am so sorry about how all this happened. People can be so selfish and thoughtless. Ignoring his daughter is so tragic. He is not gone forever....he is with you and his daughter everyday....no one can take that or your daughter away. I know it does not replace the closure of holding his hand once more...nothing can replace that...but also hold on to the FACT that he is truly with you and your daughter...and frankly, I believe you will see him again in the afterlife....the thought consoles me a bit when I am yearning to hold my Bill's hand. Mary

[kayc]

Meg,

How sweet of that lady to offer her daughter's grave to visit and talk to her daddy! How sad that her little friend has passed away too, so much for one so young to deal with. Maybe she could have a picture of him up somewhere that she could go to and talk to and tell about her day, her hopes and fears, maybe to set a rose in front of on his birthday and death day. I think you said he's Muslim, I don't know if the two of you celebrate Christmas or not so this might not work for you, but I have George's stocking up every year and put notes in it, telling him what I miss about him, etc, the kids are free to put something in if they want to as well (my kids are grown and he was their stepfather but they loved him tremendously). We find innovative ways to keep their memory alive and deal with it...

[Meg1979]

Well its been months now..... the case got closed as the police said they have nothing to go on! sad, there were drugs in the system when they did the full testing that we've waited for 7 months so cops don't want to bother with this case.

the only clousure i got is autopsy pictures, police showed me pictures of how he was found- just lying in the water, and autpsy pic at coronors office.

the image of him in the water will always be in front of my eyes- but i just had to see cause i was still in denial thinking he will call me.

while he rests back in his country we miss him here so much and wish we could visit his grave. our daughter is doing ok.

things have finally slowed down, he still visits me in my dreams here and there, last time he was in my bed and said he sleeps beside me every night.

his family came around and even called, his brother calls to see how our daughter is doing and last weekend we went to his brothers house, he broke down when he saw our daughter, hugging her and crying. he gave us money that was left in his bank accounts and refunds etc. its still hard, in july it will be 1 year and i wish it would get easier but it doesnt, i still want to call him, hear his voice. like the song says..... Although the sun will never shine the same

I'll always look to a brighter day. i wasn't left with a choice- i have to be strong!

Sorry I never told you

All I wanted to say

And now it's too late to hold you

'Cause you've flown away

So far away

Never had I imagined

Living without your smile

Feeling and knowing you hear me

It keeps me alive

Alive

And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven

Like so many friends we've lost along the way

And I know eventually we'll be togetherOne sweet day

Darling, I never showed you

Assumed you'd always be there

I took your presence for granted

But I always cared

And I miss the love we shared

And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven

Like so many friends we've lost along the way

And I know eventually we'll be together

One sweet day

Although the sun will never shine the same

I'll always look to a brighter day

Lord I know when I lay me down to sleep

You will always listen as I pray

And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven

Like so many friends we've lost along the way

And I know eventually we'll be together

One sweet day

And I know you're shining down on me from Heaven

Like so many friends we've lost along the way

And I know eventually we'll be together

One sweet day

Sorry I never told you

All I wanted to say

[MartyT]

Meg, dear ~ I don't know if this is a song or a poem, and I don't know if you wrote it yourself ~ but it is just beautiful. Thank you for sharing those words with all of us. Our hearts go out to you still ♥

[kayc]

I'm glad his family came around somewhat, it's not healthy to be fully estranged.

Did you write that piece? It's very poignant.