Saying Goodbye...

[kayc]

They tell us in our grief counseling to say goodbye to the relationship we had because it’s not there as we knew it any more…I don’t understand that, it makes me angry. They said we need to in order to accept the changes that have taken place, well I’ve accepted the changes, it’s not like I have a choice, but I still don’t agree with saying goodbye to George or to our marriage. Our marriage wasn’t just about who mows the lawn and who pays the bills, it was about our union, our love for each other, how perfectly we went together, it was about our choosing each other over all others in the world, and as far as I’m concerned, all of that still stands. Why do they have to get involved, anyway? It’s not like they understand, they still go home to their spouse. What do they know about how we should be, they didn’t even know how we were!

I love you, George, forever.

[spela]

KayC, trust yoursefl and your own feelings. You DON'T have to listen to others and accept ANY advice they have. They are also only human, what makes them more qualified for telling you what you should do - and they don't know anything about you and/or George. Tell them (try kindly ) that you don't agree with that, and if that doesn't work, try to find another group. Trust yourself, don't do anything that you don't think it's right.

[ustwo]

Makes me angry too!

[WaltC]

They tell us in our grief counseling to say goodbye to the relationship we had because it’s not there as we knew it any more…I don’t understand that, it makes me angry. ......

Hello Kayc

What a hurtful, insensitive comment to make to someone who is grieving the loss of a dear loved one.

I don't care if they mean well - it's just plain WRONG

If anyone said that to me, that would be the last time that we would ever have any communications. I have quite a temper that Jeannie had to endure along with her lengthy battle with MS. However, I would never apologize for keeping her memory close to me for the rest of this so called life.

Like you, I have accepted the fact that she is no longer physically present. But she still lives in my heart and mind and always will.

Does this mean that I will never be "happy" again? Probably, but I have Jeannie for company and good friends here also to help me survive.

I was concerned when I saw the subject of this post. I certainly don't want to say Goodbye to anyone here.

Kindest regards

Walt

[kayc]

What you both voice is similar to what I said...the person giving the advice is a grief counselor, and I've read the same thing in different materials...I know what they are saying, I just don't agree with it. I told him I could not instruct anyone to say goodbye, that it is insensitive and offensive. I focus more on "acceptance of my situation" than on "saying goodbye or closing doors". I know my world has changed and like it or not, I have to accept that it's happened and live life as it is...but I don't feel I have to say goodbye. He said it's not healthy to have a shrine and I say it's none of his business, when he's lost his wife, he can talk to me about it some more. Anyway, I talked with my pastor about it and he feels my intuition is good and I don't need this other person's tutiledge, so I'm about ready to extricate myself from his "help"...I still want to get a mutual grief support going, but it will be much of what we are doing here, voicing ourselves, listening, and I'll have handouts and "exercises" to do...things like we do here, writing out things. The whole point is to have our voice heard, all of us, and have someone there to care and listen...we need each other, and who is better able to be there than someone else who is going through it?

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

You are not alone. Let me add a firm "Amen" to your chorus, and permit me to share the words and wisdom of some others who would agree completely with the points you are making.

Why do we spend so much time and grief over saying goodbye?

Twenty-five years ago I did get to say goodbye. I knew the end of our son’s life was approaching, and I got the chance to say goodbye and I didn’t take it. In the last moments of my son’s life, and years later, of my parents’ lives, I did not say goodbye.

Goodbye? Why would I want to say goodbye? I wasn’t through saying hello!

With the very last breath of my son’s life, I simply said, “I love you.” I was able to be with my mom in her final hours, and I did not say goodbye. I said, “I love you.” And although I was not with my dad when he died, the last words I shared with him as I left his home on what was to be his last night, I kissed him and said, “I love you.”

Let go of the hurt you are experiencing if you [can’t bring yourself to] say goodbye . . . Goodbye is simply too final, too harsh, too forever. Surely our loved ones knew we loved them. Surely our loved ones knew we cared. And even if you don’t believe they knew, you can do something about that right now.

Go outside, find your special star, and with all your might, whisper, speak or yell out loud, “I LOVE YOU!” Trust me, the universe is listening, and your words of love will travel far to reach the heart of those no longer within hug’s reach. I guess you could yell goodbye, too, if you really want to . . . but why? Why let the grief of saying goodbye rob you of the memories of what you did get to say and how you lived your lives together? Why let saying goodbye steal away the joy of knowing your loved one was in your life and is still a thread in your fabric, to be woven forever around your heart?

Goodbye? I’d rather live my life so that my last words are, “I love you.” We never know when an ordinary day will turn into a day that gets marked down in the family history as a not-so-ordinary day. But all of us can live our lives so we can leave with few regrets. Don’t let the [death of your loved one] rob you of your hope, your passion, your joy in living. Let it become a lesson for all of us to live our lives as if there were only moments left . . . because that is all there really are anyway.

Moments, just moments, one after another, each special and sacred in its own way, each waiting to be etched forever on our memories or lost in the sea of millions of other ordinary moments.

I learned so long ago that any moment can be the last one, so I no longer waste too many of my moments. Oh yes, there are days when I simply plod through the moments, not even aware of their passing. It often takes a cataclysmic event to shake me out of my reverie and reawaken me to the specialness of each moment . . . Take advantage of the moments we have and spend them wisely. Spend them saying, “I love you,” instead of saying, “Goodbye.”

I grew up military, married military and gave birth to military, and goodbye has always been a part of my life. But I gave up saying it long ago when I realized “I love you” lasts far longer and feels so much better. Goodbye? I’m not through saying “Hello” and “I LOVE YOU!”

– Adapted from an article by Darcie D. Simms, Ph.D., in Bereavement Magazine, January/February 2002. Reprinted with permission from Bereavement Publishing, Inc., 888-604-4673

_____

People's voices continue to be heard after death in the traces of their utterances, in other people's speaking, and in ongoing responses to their words. For the living, this means that, to the degree that we continue to respond to the meanings generated in conversation with someone before they died, those meanings continue to live on. In a quite tangible sense, people can live on after death in and through words and our relationships with the dead need not be considered closed with the nailing down of the lid of a coffin.

-- Lorraine Hedtke and John Winslade, in

Re-membering Lives: Conversations with the Dying and the Bereaved

_____

Grief ebbs but grief never ends.

Death ends a life but death does not end a relationship.

If we allow ourselves to be still

and if we take responsibility for our grief,

the grief becomes as polished and luminous

and mysterious as death itself.

When it does,

we learn to love anew,

not only the one who has died.

We learn to love anew those who yet live.

– Julius Lester

_____

What does “letting go” mean? This phrase is often misunderstood. Does it mean forgetting, letting go of our memories? Not at all. Does it mean letting go of a relationship with our deceased loved ones? No! Our relationship is changed, not ended. “Letting go” refers to the time in our healing journey when we are ready to gently open our tightly closed fists. In doing so we let go of our pain. We do not need it anymore.

Take both hands and close your fists tightly. Hold them closed as tightly as you can and then open them as wide as you can. Can you feel the difference as you open and let go? Can you feel the release?

We gradually realize that we neither need nor want what we have been holding on to – guilt, depression, sadness, anger, fear, powerlessness – whatever pain we have used as a connection to our loved one or as a way of protecting ourselves from further hurt. We might even make the decision that we will never, ever love someone again, so that when someone gets close to us, we do something to push them away. However, one day we may come to realize that we do not want or need this particular connection or protection. We have our memories and our bond with our loved one. In fact, to hold on to it fiercely would only ruin our lives. Our holding on would make us bitter, not better. This realization that we can, need to, want to, must let go of our pain is like watching the sun rise or set. It is a slow, gentle, almost imperceptible process that happens day after day, just as we will continue to release our pain again and again.

from Grief's Courageous Journey: A Workbook by Sandi Caplan and Gordon Lang.

_____

The heart of grief,

its most difficult challenge,

is not "letting go" of those who have died

but instead making the transition

from loving in presence

to loving in separation.

-- Thomas Attig, in The Heart of Grief: Death and the Search for Everlasting Love

_____

. . . As the months pass and the seasons change,

something of tranquility descends,

and although the well-remembered footstep

does not sound again,

nor the voice call from the room beyond,

there seems to be about one in the air

an atmosphere of love, a living presence.

I say this in no haunting sense;

ghosts and phantoms are far from my mind.

It is as though one shared,

in some indefinable manner,

the freedom and the peace,

even at times the joy,

of another world where there is no more pain.

It is not a question of faith or of belief.

It is not necessary to be a follower

of any religious doctrine

to become aware of what I mean.

It is not the prerogative of the devout.

The feeling is simply there,

pervading all thought, all action.

When Christ the healer said,

“Blessed are they that mourn,

for they shall be comforted,”

he must have meant just this.

Later, if you go away, if you travel,

even if you decide to make your home elsewhere,

the spirit of tenderness, of love,

will not desert you.

You will find that it has become part of you,

rising from within yourself;

and because of it

you are no longer fearful

of loneliness, of the dark,

because death,

the last enemy,

has been overcome.

— Daphne du Maurier

_____

They are not dead

who live in lives they leave behind.

In those whom they have blessed,

they live a life again,

and shall live through the years eternal life,

and shall grow each day more beautiful,

as time declares their good,

forgets the rest,

and proves their immortality.

– Hugh Robert Orr

_____

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

[WaltC]

. . . Goodbye is simply too final, too harsh, too forever.

Go outside, find your special star, and with all your might, whisper, speak or yell out loud, “I LOVE YOU!” Trust me, the universe is listening, and your words of love will travel far to reach the heart of those no longer within hug’s reach. ...

Why let the grief of saying goodbye rob you of the memories of what you did get to say and how you lived your lives together? Why let saying goodbye steal away the joy of knowing your loved one was in your life and is still a thread in your fabric, to be woven forever around your heart?

Thank You Marty - that is a beautiful, comforting post

The special star suggestion has worked well for me personally. Every nite that I can see even one lone star I have a nice quiet "talk" with my beloved Jeannie. I can feel the tension release and the blood pressure drop.

[kayc]

Thank you, Marty,

How very well said, we appreciate everything you posted.

[spela]

Thank you Marty!