Lost Mom A Year Ago/feel Her Here

[Dester]

Since I lost mom to lung cancer a year ago (she was 83) I have had visual and more often smells of her any or all the time. The one thing that mom did all the time was smoke cigarettes...she smelled like cigarettes. I am not a smoker so it is very offensive to me. And because mom died of cancer of the lungs...it is upsetting to smell cigarettes. Since she passed away I have smelled her, I mean distinctly as if she is right next to me, during the day, while I'm driving, during the night ...all the time. It is as if there is someone smoking in the room right next to me, but no one is. I breathe in and then stop because the odor of cigarette smoke is so strong....... This is very upsetting for me. I think it is my mother and perhaps my father near me for some reason.....and they don't want to go away. I have asked mom to replace the smell with the smell of roses from her garden...because I like it that she is here....I just can't stand the smell. Has anyone else had this expereince? It is most upsetting. I miss her so much...I still can't believe she's gone. I feel deserted. Dester

[JCL]

Hi Dester,

I talk to my mother sometimes since she passed away. It will be a year for me this October 17th. I was angry and upset one night because my mom had not even been gone 9 months when my middle, older brother (who moved in with my father after my mom died) wanted his fiance to move into the house with him and my Dad. I was so upset because I felt like another woman would be living in my mother's house. I did not care if it sounded selfish. I really feel that it is my mother's house. I talked to my mom out loud one night asking her what she thought about this.

The next night, the neighbors down the block were keeping me up because they were having a loud party. I gave up and at 2 A.M. was downstairs watching T.V. when all of a sudden all the firealarms in my house starting going off simultaneously. This went on for 5-10 seconds. Then they all stopped just as suddenly. I checked the entire house and there was no smoke to be found. The firealarms were built into the house's electrical system and go onto battery back-up only if the power to the house is cut. Nothing else in the house even flickered.

I have a feeling that my mom gathered her energy and gave me an answer. Only the first time around because it was alarms that went off, I thought she was displaying displeasure with the idea of Jani moving into her house.

A few weeks later, my father became very ill with a kidney stone that would not pass, which caused an infection and a week long hospital stay. Then another week after that my father misheard one of the doctor's instructions causing him to discontinue the wrong medication which caused him a blood sugar crash in the middle of the night. My brother had to call the paramedics because he was already going into a diabetic coma.

The end of the story is that if my brother had not been living in the house during both these incidents we probably would have already lost my father. My father has always been the type of guy to tough things out and did not ask for help when he should have. I think the reason my mother was setting off alarms in my house was to warn me that my brother needed to be in that house to help save my father and that she knew this was coming. ...so now I have no objections to Jani joining them in the house.

[Maylissa]

Dester and JCL,

Dester, first let me say that I'm so sorry for the loss of your mother ( and father?). My Mom was 84 when she passed. I think you're doing the right thing in asking your mom to replace one smell with another...and I hope for your sake, she complies! I hear your ambiguity on this, wanting her around, but in a different fashion sort of. Perhaps, since you've acknowledged that it's HER ( for what better way for her to make her presense known than by the most familiar smell? ), she'll 'relax' and send you another type of sign instead. If you're still waffling on who it is, she might continue to send you the same sign until you're certain, because she wouldn't want you to doubt it's her and the fact that she's around you. This is a very common ADC particular ( After Death Communication ), as many people smell things like perfume, pipe tobacco, etc. from their loved ones. For me, I only WISH! My Mom has sent me a few little signs, one powerful dream visitation and I'm sure has been instrumental in setting a few things straight that went terribly wrong after her death, but I've been sitting here hoping for something more EXACT, such as what you're getting! Unfortunately, my Mom didn't have a favourite perfume, although she LOVED the smell of roses, so I was hoping she might send that....but nothing. If nothing else, consider yourself lucky that she's so persistent with/for you. She obviously loves you very much!

JCL,

Wow! That's pretty impressive a sign, too! I think it's wonderful that your mom gave you such a clear message! Isn't it so comforting to know that you're still being watched over, still have that relationship and can still get actual answers from your mom? It's fabulous when you are given a glimpse of the bigger picture, the interweavings of events, so that you can rest easier knowing that things are happening in the best way possible for the greatest good for all.

Me, I've asked several times for my Mom's advise concerning the bad things my brother has done with her ashes, money, our father.....and haven't gotten a thing. Because it's not really concrete, I don't know if I should interpret a sign of 'nothing' as being that's what I should DO about things......NOTHING. I prefer when events just take on a life of their own, or something more obvious. I've even said to her, "Mom, please send me a sign that I can't MISS, cuz I'm rather dense about these things!"....and still nothing. I'm starting to feel very UNloved again because of it. I don't yet feel confident enough to rely ONLY on myself, my own judgements in my life, especially when I've felt so abandoned by everyone to begin with. This just feels like more abandonment.

So you're both very fortunate to be experiencing these affirmations of continuing love and support from your moms. What a blessing!

[SharonK]

Dester & JCL, how wonderful for you that you are able to feel your loved ones. I've had the same experiences with a cousin and and an old boyfriend that have passed. My cousin lets me know he's around by a certain song coming on the radio. I've always felt it was he way of letting me know he was around. My old boyfriend does the same with "our song" and comes to me in the same dream that I've had since he passed in 1982. It's comforting to know they're around.

To Maylissa, my Dad passed away on April 12th, 2005 and I've waited and waited for him to come to me. Sometimes I think I feel him in a breeze, but I guess I've been wanting something a little more personal like the smell of his cologne or something. Sometimes when I'm having a bad day missing him I think that he hasn't come to me because he's upset with me. I have such guilt over not doing more in regards to his treatment. He had a reoccurance of prostate cancer that had been in remission for 14 years. I feel like I should have been there more for my Dad & my Mom with his treatment. But what I feel the worst about is the day he passed. The nurse said he was slipping away and I had to sit there and watch him go. Sometimes when I think back at him looking at me I wonder if he was asking me to help him and I didn't. So now I feel like he doesn't come to me because I let him down. I talk to him all the time. I ask him to help my Mom to be with her because she's so lost. I ask him to be with me, but I just don't feel it. Maybe I'm trying to hard, I don't know. Maylissa, I feel confident that one day, when we're not looking for it, that feeling or sense of something will be there for us. I pray that for you and for me.

[MissMyMom]

I just wanted to tell you all that I think it's wonderful that you have received some kind of "sign"....it's been 1 year and 5 months since I lost my mom and I wait every day for something...a sign of any kind and nothing has come.

It was comforting for me to read what you all wrote and it gives me hope to continue waiting.....

[Dester]

I'm so glad to hear that some people don't think it's crazy to have that experience of smelling my mother's cigarette smoke. There are other signs of her too that are simply so MOM......like the hummingbird that flew into the kitcken a few days after she passed....I knew it was mom in spirit. There was no way a hummingbird would ever get close to mom's kitchen...there are no flowers there and there was a deep patio. It was very cosmic. And also at her funeral....a huge black and yellow butterfly came and sat for the longest time on the urn and then flew off. And the bird that tried to frantically to get in the french door window...it just kep trying and trying with it's wings beating against the glass. I think it was mom letting me know she was OK or she is still here on some other plane and I will see her again. There were so many signs....I do believe one has to have your eyes and heart open at all times to see them. I've always been a person who looked for sings and so was mom....we had that in common. I miss her so much, I so regret that we didn't have more time together.

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

In hopes of alleviating any concern that what you are experiencing is somehow abnormal, “crazy” or “wrong,” I’d like to share with you an excerpt from my book, Finding Your Way through Grief: A Guide for the First Year:

Mystical Experiences

Of all the various ways that grief can express itself, perhaps one of the most unsettling is to experience the presence of a lost loved one— days, weeks or months after the death has occurred.

When one so dear to you is gone, it can be very hard to accept that the person is really dead. You may find yourself thinking and dreaming about your loved one much of the time, and it may seem that everything around you is a reminder of the person you have lost.

Once in a while you may temporarily forget that your loved one is gone, and you’ll look and listen for him or her—and maybe even think that you’ve seen, heard, smelled or touched the person. Part of you believes your loved one is there, yet the other part of you knows that’s not the case.

At some point you may think you’ve received a symbolic communication or message from the person who has died. Some people find this to be very frightening and disorienting, while others find it to be quite helpful and even comforting.

In any case, it’s important to know that such experiences are very common and perfectly normal during times of loss. Sometimes as long as a year after the death of a loved one, people will report sensing (hearing, feeling, seeing) the person in the room. They believe the person is there, yet they also know their loved one is dead. They may feel very foolish or embarrassed— they may be very frightened— and they often wonder, "Am I going mad?"

No one knows why grief produces such powerful, mystical processes— but we do know that hallucinations, communications, dreams, visions and visitations are a frequent experience of the bereaved. They are by no means abnormal, and they do not forecast a complicated grief reaction. While some people find them distressing, it is generally believed that such mystical grief experiences have great power and personal significance for the griever, and may be an important if not vital part of healing.

Suggestions for Coping with Mystical Experiences

∙Make use of your dreams: record them, or share them with someone who will listen but not interpret them for you. Keep in mind that no one is a better expert at interpreting your dreams than you are. [Read a description and review of T.J. Wray's book on this subject, Grief Dreams: How They Help Heal Us after the Death of a Loved One.]

∙Don’t judge yourself or others who have mystical experiences, and don’t think there’s something wrong with you if you’ve never had them. Grief responses differ from one person to another, and it is normal to experience a wide range of emotions during the grieving process.

∙Don’t worry whether such experiences are real or simply a figment of your imagination. If they bring you comfort, does it really matter? And if such an experience is unpleasant or frightening for you, make certain that you talk to someone who will support you.

[source: Finding Your Way through Grief: A Guide for the First Year, © 2000 by Marty Tousley, Hospice of the Valley, Phoenix AZ, pp. 22-23.]

It may interest you to know that Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, noted thanatologist and author of the seminal work On Death and Dying, also recognized such mystical experiences, which she describes as “hauntings.” In her recently published work, On Grief and Grieving, the last book she wrote before her death in 2004, Dr. Kübler-Ross and co-author David Kessler write:

It is important to remember that hauntings after the death of a loved one are normal and common. They often bring important messages from the psyche that arise from our inner world of grief. They may even bring fear with them, but they usually are not dangerous. Among the myriad of feelings connected with grief, hauntings contain valuable clues, threads to be followed to their source. They represent unfinished business in some cases and offer great comfort in others . . . Whether or not hauntings are physical realities is irrelevant to the grief process. Anything that comforts or guides you in your grief work is naturally valuable. To spend time questioning the experience is to miss the point ~ and perhaps the gift.

[source: On Grief and Grieving: Finding the Meaning of Grief through the Five Stages of Loss, © 2005, Scribner, New York, NY, pp. 57-58]

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

Edited September 21, 2007 by MartyT

[Maylissa]

Thank-you, Marty, for your prompt response and for adding some reasoned approaches to the subject at hand.

I, for one, have received nothing but comfort from these messages from my loved ones and have never been frightened by them in the least. I can't even imagine any of my loved ones sending me a message in a form that they knew might scare me....they love me and know me, so I believe they would consider that first. They have all brought me a superior form of comfort that couldn't have been achieved through any other means, short of maybe having an NDE myself and returning with absolute knowingness of how things really work, or can work. I find the sharing of them to be a great way to firm up my beliefs. Without having received these messages of continued closeness of spirit, I simply could not have 'moved on' in my life whatsoever, so they became a key factor in my progress through grief.

I don't personally agree, though, with the idea that whether they're real or not isn't important.....as it IS, to ME. To MY mind, it provides more examples of what's really possible, what really ocurrs after death of the body, etc. and so gives me that vital sense of hope and possibility we all seem to need in order to live. So for me, it would crush me forever if I believed such things were nothing more than tricks of the mind to provide (a false) comfort that my loved ones are okay and waiting for me.

For those so interested, I've also seen excerpts from a few books on the market , most from authors who have theological backgrounds or training, that fully support the theory that the spirit lives on and can 'visit', and that this happened even in Biblical times, evidence of which is drawn directly from scripture, AND that ALL creatures who ever lived also have souls and the same abilities. While I haven't read these books (yet!), I'm happy that someone made the effort to address these issues that are so important to many of us.

[JCL]

Maylissa,

I agree with you about the part regarding whether you have imagined the contact or not. I do not agree with that section. Our souls are immortal and the energy of our souls does not dissapear after we die, it just leaves this physical body. I believe you go on more journeys and learning experiences after you pass from this life. Otherwise, what would be the point of the learning and growth you did in this life? I also believe that family members who have passed on look in on us at times and some are more successful than others in making actual contact.

There are two shows on T.V. right now "Medium" and another show on Friday nights that I think show some truth about how some people have the ability to make this contact with those who have passed over. What is interesting is that there are others whose loved ones are depicted as trying constantly to make contact with them, but the living relative has no idea that that the soul of the departed person is around. Even if you are not someone who wants to be seen as believing in Psychics, there is some truth to be found in these shows, they are both based on real living people. James Van Prague, who started having these experiences when he was a small boy is associated with the show that airs on Friday nights.

If I did not know that I would see my mother on the other side when I pass, then my grief would be a hundred times worse than it is now. Her energy and soul remain and are real and not imagined.

[Maylissa]

I believe you go on more journeys and learning experiences after you pass from this life. Otherwise, what would be the point of the learning and growth you did in this life?

James Van Prague, who started having these experiences when he was a small boy is associated with the show that airs on Friday nights.

JCL,

Yes, this is the concept I grapple with the most when my faith is faltering and this doubt is what contributes the most to any depression I suffer with. When I'm wondering if this earthly life is all there is ( despite any 'evidence' to the contrary that I've experienced ~ the harder-proof desiring part of my mind ), the whole idea of "what's the POINT then?" is brought to the surface, as in the question you posed. That's also when I start wondering if it's true that all the teachings and stories about continuing life were/are only designed by we humans so that we won't go insane with the pointlessness of life otherwise. How complete atheists cope I'll never know! That one question scares me so much that I have to force myself to stop thinking about it ASAP. I seem to be one of those people who needs experiential evidence to convince myself of anything. If it's not true for me, in my life, then it's just a lot of flowery words and nothing more. Which is why I say I'd be sunk if not for the ADC's I have had. Why I can still even have these moments of doubt and disbelief at times, I don't even understand, given the ADC's I've had. I drive myself crazy at times! I envy all of those who simply 'know' or can utterly believe, without proof, that they will be reunited.....while my mind can also say to itself that even if consciousness continues, that in itself doesn't guarantee that it will reunite with any other consciousness...only that it continues in some fashion. Sometimes I really wish I couldn't think so much! Any help for this kind of doubting, from anyone, would REALLY be appreciated!!...short of a simple blow to my head! LOL! )

Is this show the one with Jennifer Love Hewitt? ( we don't even have Cable yet so if it isn't, we might not get it ) How did you hear it's associated with Van Praagh?

[JCL]

Hi Maylissa,

I looked up the name of the show-Ghost Whisperer- Yes , with Jennifer Love Hewitt. I saw the credits roll and James Van Prague's name is listed as a producer of the show. Which is interesting because her character tells people that she is not a psychic, as in future or fortune telling, she just has this ability to talk to the souls of people who have passed on who want to tell things to their loved ones. What little I know of James Van Prague- I think he describes himself that way also.

At first I did not want to get sucked into watching it, I thought they might be a little goofy in the character and storylines, but then some interesting ideas came up in stories about why certain souls try to remain and make contact etc. I think I was getting some comfort out of watching it.

I know what you mean about the whole overthinking and questioning thing.

[Dester]

Dear JLC,

I know what you are say is true....I knew it before my mother was dying and then when I watched her in the process of dying I knew it for sure. My mother was a stoic person who did not lean toward the dramatic. She did not play around, not did she make things up...she was very pain and simple and serious. She was not a drunk, nor was she unstable in any way.

After mom was diagnosed with cancer we were in the doctor's office, this was before they had given her any kind of medication and/or treatment. She was lying there on the table and she said that when she closed her eyes she saw people walking towards her....she saw people, young and old, blond and blue eyed.....one by one they kept coming to her. Mom ket closing her eyes because it was comforting that they kept coming to her. I believe those people were spritits from the other side and they were coming to escort mom and comfort her in her transition. I had so many experiences like like with mom that I am sure that there is "something" on the other side and I am not afraid of my own death at all now. It was so wonderful. It confirmed my belief system and helped me greatly be comforted in her passing.

Dester

[MartyT]

I know what you mean about the whole overthinking and questioning thing.

Dear Ones,

Your discussion reminds me so much of a poem I've always loved, written by e. e. cummings in 1944:

when god decided to invent

everything he took one

breath bigger than a circustent

and everything began

when man determined to destroy

himself he picked the was

of shall and finding only why

smashed it into because

[Dester]

I believe there is something to being open with the heart and forgetting about your mind with issues like this......it is like faith. When I am open with my heart I am able to "see" so many more things that bring love and meaniing into my life. For example, during mom's burial there was a huge black and yellow butterfly that lit on her urn for such a long time and then fluttered away....it was so lovely and spiritual. Just now, as I was writing this I saw that same kind of butterfly outside my window....it brought such joy to my heart and I feel connected to my mother. The interesting thing is that no one else at the funeral saw the butterfly except my aunt, who has macular degeneration so bad she is legally blind...............go figure. It so seemed like a message and I chose to take it that way.

I like to remain open to miracles because that's the only way I'll be ready to see them...with an open heart.

[FUNNYFACE]

HI....I AM A ONLY CHILD (OLD ENOUGH TO BE GRANDMA) AND WAS VERY CLOSE TO MY PARENTS....WE WERE A VERY CLOSE FAMILY.....MY FATHER DIED IN MARCH 2004 AFTER 15 YRS OF ALZHEIMERS AND MY MOTHER JUST PASSED AWAY SEPT 2005 FROM AGGRESSIVE BREAST CANCER AT JUST SHORT OF 84. FOR THE PAST 5 YRS I WAS MORE OR LESS THEIR CARE GIVER...I AM ALSO A NURSE......I HAVE REALLY ENJOYED YOUR DISCUSSIONS REGARDING SMELLS ETC.....I TOO HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR SOMEKIND OF A SIGN FROM MY MOM....MY GRIEF IS SO OVER WHELMING .......MY DREAMS ARE FILLED WITH HER LAYING THERE ON THE BED AND ME UNABLE TO DO ANYTHING FOR HER.....AS A MEDICAL PERSON I FELT THERE SHOULD BE SOMETHING MORE I COULD DO BUT ALL I COULD DO WAS TO MAKE SURE SHE WAS PAIN FREE AND AS COMFORTABLE AS SHE COULD BE....SHE MISSED MY FATHER SO AND I KNOW THAT SHE IS IN A HAPPIER PLACE AND WITH HIM BUT I MISS HER SO.

I AM NOT ALONE...I HAVE A WONDERFUL HUSBAND OF 38 YRS AND A WONDERFUL SON AND DAUGHTER-IN-LAW BUT THE THOUGHT OF THE HOLIDAYS JUST UPSETS ME SO......I AM ALSO BEATING MYSELF UP BECAUSE IT HAS BEEN 2 MONTHS TODAY AND I STILL FEEL SO ALONE, DEPRESSED AND NOT WANTING TO DO ANYTHING.....OR SEE ANYONE....I SHOULD BE ABLE TO HANDLE THIS......WE LOST MY FATHER EVEN BEFORE HE PASSED AWAY AND THAT HAS BEEN EASIER TO HANDLE BUT I NOT ONLY LOST MY MOTHER....I LOST MY BEST FRIEND......

THANKS FOR GIVING ME A PLACE TO JUST RAMBLE.......

[Guest Guest_Dester_*]

Funnyface,

I'm so sorry about your mother. For us women, losing our moms is the most difficult thing. They are such a huge part of who we are. I am still grieving and it is over one year now, so be easy on yourself. I miss my mom every day and think about her all the time. I don't know when it will ever stop. I guess we just have to accept it as part of who we are. Just know they are always with us in how we talk and how we walk and how we react to things....can't you hear her? I know I can hear my mom in my own voice and in what I say so often..........The Hospice grief counselors and the groups really helped me a lot...hope you connect with them.

Best,

Dester

[Guest Guest_Funnyface_*]

Dester:

Thank you for your reply.....I have gone to a counseling group on how to make it though the holidays but I don't know if has really helped.....I usually love Christmas and have my tree up and everything else decorated right after Christmas but not this year...I don't even want to send out Christmas cards....don't want to tell the story of her dying all over again...We did put up a a small all ready decorated tree that was my Mom's but that is it.....it is hard for me to celebrate when I miss her so much....I have a grown son, daughter-in-law and husband and I feel guilty because I am afraid that I am messing up their Christmas... but I have to do what I feel is best for me right now....I have spent my life ( I am nurse) always doing for everyone else...trying to make everything better for everyone else and I guess I need to pay attention to me for awhile..except that it looks like my husband has a heart problem and will have to have a procedure to fix him up....sometimes I don't know how much more I can deal with.....if something should happen to him I don't know what will happen.....if I am having such a problem dealing with my mother's death ....what would happen if something happend to my husband of 38 years,,,,we have known each other since we were kids and he has always been in my life....I feel like this is turning into a pity party so will sign off now....

Thank you again....

Funnyface