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Slamming One More Heart Piece Into Place


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It's my anniversary weekend, it's Halloween again and it is 14 years ago that I met Bob at a Parents Without Partners Dance. Our relationship has been a whirlwind of creative energy wrapped up in the beginnings of a holiday of spooky madness of fun together. With a heavy heart I dreaded facing this holiday weekend and everything it has meant to me. After having taken these grieving classes I knew it would be up to me to change the direction that my life was headed (isolation) and I needed to find my happiness again, but anniversaries, holidays and memories… one by one they come to take me hostage.

It was with the help of a friend this weekend and all its memories has softened me just a bit as this door of change was opened… Friday, a soulful dinner was prepared for me with lively conversation and a mutual acceptance of all things from the past. I experienced a crack in the shell of protection that I have built around my heart so that no invader no matter what the intention would get through. I know I am bruised and battered, I know I am damaged goods inside but that is not the person Bob fell in love with and I have promised to one day rescue her, make her whole again.

Saturday my friend and I did major clean up day in my yard trying to get ready for winter. I owe such gratitude to this person because we worked for most of the day trimming and cleaning. So for fun we decided to try a haunted house together. Now this you would think would throw me into a meltdown but a love for all things Halloween will never leave me. The fact that so much of me was wrapped up in Bob just changes my perspective for now and I've accepted that I just have to find ways to celebrate my personal joy in Halloween maybe in different ways for joy in my future.

Sunday… well it's off to church. Now I have to admit here that I have been very angry at God these last few months. I have not been active in church although I am baptized. The conversations in my head are not pretty and they are just between my God and I, nothing I would like to share right now. I am a spiritual person as I do believe there is good in everyone. I do believe there are too many hypocrites in the organized religions of today as I don't believe in using fear to get people into heaven. With that said the offer to go to this very small church of this very same friend on Sunday was brought up with kind friendship and nothing more expected of me. The preacher was a dear friend and I really had nothing to lose, did I? Well, after the first prayer I had tears rolling down my cheeks and a dripping nose so what does that tell you? Blessing my soul and those who are no longer with us was more than my heart could take. Right place, right time? Maybe.

I do know that when I am ready doors will open, people will come and situations will change in my life. I can only hope that I will be able hang on with dear life and not slam these doors offered up to me for being too afraid to feel too many things at once. If I have learned anything this year it is that life is short and it should not be wasted by fear.

Happy Halloween Everyone!

Deb

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Dear Deb,

I understand all the emotions you are going through. Moving into ma new life, with so many happy memories of the last, that wrench our hearts out anytime and any place.

Yesterday, I was Baptized in the church that Pauline and I started attending on October 29, 1995. It was fill with many emotions, Happy and Sad, that Pauline was not their in the flesh. I could feel her spirit in me and with me all day. I had to bring 2 sets of clothes, because after service was choir practice. Something new in my life. I met a nurse that had came to our home for wound care on Pauline. I knew the face, but it wasn't until she told me who she was that I could place her. So here is another connection to Pauline, that at the time when the nurse was coming over, I could never see or imagine that we would be singing together some day. I wait now until Friday to see if a week from today I will be in school.

You just never know what life, has in store for you, as we travel down our path.

I Wish You a very Happy Halloween,

God Bless

Dwayne

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Oh Deb, this really is a good report, you are doing all you can to redeem the situation, and what more can we do? I'm glad you had someone to share yard work with too. There are those times we need another's help, and even more, their company. I have spent a good part of four days splitting/stacking wood...my neighbor got the splitter started for me but he's unable to do hard work, so I did all of the hauling and stacking and he ran the controls on the splitter. My back is exhausted but I am thankful I have a good back and lots of energy, and it's put to good use, now all of my wood is in and we'll be getting our first snow tomorrow! I was also pleased to learn that the strength in my right arm is back and it's as if I never even broke my elbow except that it still doesn't straighten perfectly, but it's much better than it was.

George loved ALL of the holidays, events, seasons, so when they come it's such a reminder to me of his absence, but I try to celebrate everything and not ignore it just because he's not here, for he would want me to continue to enjoy life.

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