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Another Christmas

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I feel a bit vulnerable sharing this but it feels good to share and perhaps it will touch someone else who sits in pain this Christmas.

To Bill at Christmas

It is the 22nd of December, my luv.

If you were here we would exchange yet another

monthly anniversary card and celebration meal...

(We should have bought stock in Hallmark).

How I treasure/d all those cards...

Memories fill my heart tonight. I think of

the beauty of nature and music and tears flow.

Both touch me (and touched us) so deeply,

Now they trip off the pain and emptiness of life.

We so loved to share the simple things:

a flower opening to the sun, a snowflake's design,

strains of Warland, Wagner, chant in a gothic cathedral...

these and more touched our souls and now put me in touch with the precious moments we shared.

The times we wept together as Mahler's 5th filled the room,

the times you gently caressed puppy Bentley-curled on your lap sound asleep,

walks in our woods on a snowy day, strolling hand in hand in London's rain and fog,

the poems you wrote, the times we sat on Ouray mountain tops looking over our world,

making love beneath the stars in a flower filled meadow at Betty's farm,

these and so many more- sacred moments- ours alone forever-

and now mine alone to remember and hold in my heart and soul,

memories of you-me-we.

we both waited so long for all we had...and now I wait again.

On this day just before Christmas (following three full-yet empty-days)

I sought solitude that now feels lonely as I sit alone fire warming the room,

snow gracing the trees outside, Bentley-now 8 years old-sound asleep again,

gratitude flowing for all we had, tears of joy as I relive our love,

seemingly endless and sad tears flowing for what I so miss.

I will soon go to bed, alone, one day closer-one day less to wait.

Another Christmas: 2011


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Dear Mary,

You write so beautiful, what a great gift to have to express yourself. I can relate to your feelings of Love, Joy, and Happiness, you and Bill shared together, because it was always Pauline and I everywhere, never one without the other, except my job, but we were still connected through our brain waves and though's. So deep were we connected, that is the hard part of this grief, missing that connection we had from day one until the human passing came. I still feel her with me. I can hear her voice from time to time, but that human contact I long so much for.

God Bless


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Very beautifully written. Those memories of "we"...so hard to think about, yet we wouldn't want them erased for anything. They were the best parts of our lives.

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Kay, Dwayne, Dave,

Thank you. I am having a more difficult Christmas than I expected....it feels so good to know you are all out there....understanding and accepting. Thank you, Mary

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I truly appreciate the support you all so kindly give to me. Today was difficult. My brother was here and he just does not have a clue what to say or do and hardly speaks...watches football, grunts for a response. I have approached him on this and it backfires 100% of the time. We live on different planets...always have. The unspoken but clear expectations for me to be other than who I am are very present....have been present all my life in my family of origin. Bill buffered those. I told him I would not go to church tomorrow and instead of a kind, "I understand", I got questioned. I have already decided to be gone next year for Christmas....anywhere. He invited himself here and because he is a kind person and my brother, I allowed this to occur. I am pretty decent at communication so I know this is not about me. I know it is about him and his solitary, celibate life. I am clear about that. I was more lonely today with him here than if I had been alone all day. I was grateful I had accepted an invitation to a friend's house tonight and another one tomorrow. This is a kind, caring priest (my brother) who just does not know how to relate....long story. When I attempt to address it, I become the bad guy....I am at fault somehow. Typical dysfunctional family stuff but I am needing to draw a boundary. Bill was my buffer for all of this nonsense and since he has been gone, old stuff raises its ugly head again after 30 years of not having to deal with this. What a miserable Christmas....worst than last year for sure. Lonely for Bill and this complicates it even more. I just needed to vent tonight. I can't wait for this to end...feels like torture...truly like torture.

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