Bad Things Happen

[HAP]

Dear friends,

After Jane died, someone gave me a copy of a book called Why bad things happen to good people. I had heard of the book but had never read it, so I opened it up and started reading. The author was a minister who cited scripture trying to explain the awful things that happen to people as part of some divine plan.

Maybe those events are part of some plan for the greater good somewhere, but it brings little solace to those to whom the incredibly bad happens. I was reading the book on a plane to visit my family out west. Had I been reading it at home I would have thrown it across the room and screamed my lungs out. Right after Jane died and I had talked to her father and sister, I called my father. We had lost my mother nine months before to Alzheimer's. He said to me, "And now you know there really is nothing anyone can say to you that is going to make this any better."

There were two books I found useful in those days. One was a book a friend, Beverly Foote, had written about Lent called A Journey of the Heart: Meditations. It had nothing to do with dealing with death in a traditional sense, but it gave me an anchor in that first month and a quarter because I felt I really was alone in the wilderness.

The second I happened upon in a book store during one of those desperate days when the silence drove me out of the house and convinced me to do things I would not normally do--like look at the self-help rack in a book store. Martha Whitmore Hickman lost her daughter in an accident. Her book, Healing After Loss, did not try to explain why bad things happen to people. She had been where I was and knew that was not what people in grief need.

This week one of my favorite students gave birth to her first child. I read the first bit of the birth announcement with great joy. The baby weighed in at a healthy eight pounds four ounces. But the next part set off alarm bells in my head: "We're asking everyone to keep her in your prayers."

Schizenephaly is a brain disorder/birth defect that creates clefts in the brain. Often the child does not survive birth. Depending on the extent of the damage there are developmental issues, seizures and paralysis. We do not know what causes it. We do not have a cure. Her daughter was born with it.

I don't know what to say to my student. Like my father with me, I have no words that can truly offer solace for what she is going through. I hate the ritual words we all say at times like these because I know just how meaningless they really are--how much they can sting and burn in the mind and in the soul.

She and her daughter and her husband need our love and thoughts and prayers and energy tonight--and every night. It is all we can truly offer anyone who faces this kind of darkness.

Peace,

Harry

[kayc]

Harry, I bought that book at one point, I never did read it. I don't know that it does any good to look for meaning behind bad things happening, maybe it's just random, who knows. I don't think the question is why but what do we do with it, how do we survive it, what next?

I will keep your student's baby in prayer. There aren't a lot of things one can say when encountering such a devastating situation. "I'm sorry. I'll pray for you." If you're close to them you can just be there, listen. Lend a hand without being asked. Provide support. Beyond that, I don't know. I try to think back to when George died, what helped me was my daughter sleeping with me so I didn't have to be alone. Her and my sister making a ton of phone calls. My daughter following me around the house with healthy food and water...even if all I had was a bite or a sip. The church sec. showing up at my house, asking me questions about music, etc. for the funeral, things I hadn't thought about, her gentle suggestions. My boss' wife making up flyers and distributing them around town. People showing up with food, sitting with me. I live way out in the country, this was out of their way, it took time out of their busy lives, and it meant so much. People showing up at his service. My own pastor went off on vacation like it was nothing, but a former pastor drove several hours to come conduct the service...free of charge. They brought me a giant teddy bear to sleep with because they said George was a big man with big shoes to fill. A close friend of our finished the ramp George had dismantled and was getting ready to rebuild. He did so with recycled materials so it didn't cost me anything. This same man unstopped my sink when it hopelessly plugged a few days later, to save me a plumbing bill I could ill afford. My sister drove me to town, 60 miles away, to get the ashes. My daughter got groceries for me, a 100 mile round trip, because she knew it was something George and I had always done together and she knew how hard it would be for me. My son came home on leave and drove 150 mile round trip to pick up George's welding equipment from his job...it was missing (stolen) when he got there, but he'd made the effort and that meant something to me. He also made the 120 mile round trip to pick up his camping trailer and bring it home. A co-worker sold George's car for me, detailing it, listing it, taking people out for test drives, and getting the best possible price. He also appraised everyone at work of what to expect (he'd lost a baby daughter years before) and how to best minister to me. These are the people that meant so much to me. The people I will never forget. There was also the lady from my church that split her time between her husband and mine in the hospital, as I was out of town when George had his heart attack. I will never forget her kindness to him. Three years later it was her husband's turn and I was able to be there for her.

[nats]

HAP,

I read that book and found it interesting and comforting maybe we all get a different meaning from things we read??

another book I read is "Heaven Is For Real" and I am reading "90 Minutes In Heaven" now, these books take things to levels not touched on in everyday life, maybe because we don't really understand it all as mortals??

I will pray for your student and all the grieving hearts daily as normal as Yes we all need it daily.

NATS

[Queeniemary]

Harry, you and your father are correct, there is nothing anyone can say that will make things better. People try because they do care, but it is hopeless, because nothing really helps.

"Doing", as Kay mentioned, the ones who just show up and do things for you, that don't ask, "please call if I can do anything for you", but just show up and "do", those are the ones who really help. Those are the people you remember.

I was in the hospital, having had a total knee replacement when Mike died suddenly and unexpectedly. My daughter and her husband came and brought me home (1 1/2 hours away) the next day. Several of my Theatre friends were already at my house, cleaning, bringing food. Two more met us at the funeral home, so we would not have to make decisions alone. I will never forget these people, they did not ask, they just did.

And thoughts, prayers and energy, those all help.....and I am sending thoughts, prayers and energy toward that young family. I lost a son at 4 months, and know what the agony of a child born with a medical problem can be for the parents. You feel so helpless.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[HAP]

Dear friends,

You're right--it is the doing that matters. Unfortunately, they are in Texas--damned Army--so beyond writing and sending positive energies as much as I can arrange, there is not much I can do of use.

But another friend called last night with trouble in her voice while I was out. Her I can do more for.

But I begin to think people would be wise to keep their spiritual distance from me. There is an awfully hard rain falling on those I care about lately. It would bother me less if they were older--I am of an age where my father tells me I am going to see more and more of my old friends in trouble--but so many of these are in their 20s and 30s. Ah well, Jane and I always did attract people who were in trouble. It was--and is--our dharma--our work. Thanks to you all for your thoughts and your prayers.

Peace,

Harry

[LarrysGirl]

That book was given to me right after Larry died. I tried to read it but ended up donating it with some other grief books. Couldn't take the message, still can't. You would think that having a minister for a father and growing up in the church, somehow I could apply this message to my grief. It never has made sense to me but if it provides comfort to others thats great. Deborah