Tomorrow Will Be Four Years

[Anne E]

I'm sitting here enjoying a glass of wine before I head for bed. Tomorrow will be the fourth year without my other half, very best friend and only person in the world who actually "got me" and loved me regardless.

Tonight, I'm kinda blue, but that's to be expected. I am proud of how far I have come in these four years and hope that I will continue to accept and embrace my new normal life.

Tomorrow, my plan is to take the dogs to the dog park and enjoy walking around with them. I plan to laugh at their silliness. I WILL spend the day thinking about Dick, I think I will get the picture albums out and "relive" our wonderful life. I think I will dust the pictures he drew that are hanging on the walls and try to actually look deeply at each one of them. He was such a wonderful artist (mostly pen and ink or pencil as well as Native American Beading and photography.) I know there will be tears, but I will not be blindsided by them.

Today, I found a file containing copies of the emails I sent to friends and family while he/we were in the hospital in St. Louis for the 8 1/2 months before and after the lung transplants. I read a few of them, but finally put them back in the file, and back in the box. One of these days, I am going to be able to read them all and think back on what a journey it was.

I want the life we had together back but have accepted the cruel fact it will never be. I have vowed to move forward with the courage Dick would wish for me.

Thank you all for always listening to me and not judging. I REALLY appreciate the support and encouragement these past years. Wish that I could meet you all in person and tell you what you have meant to me and how you have encouraged me to grow!

Anne

[Salley]

I am thinking of you today. I really appreciate your thoughtful and insightful posts.

Beth

[mfh]

You are in my thoughts today as you remember, relive and honor all you had together. I am sure this four years feels like yesterday in many ways and a century in other ways. We are here for you.

Peace,

Mary

[melina]

Anne,

Sounds like you've reached a stage where you can look back on the good life you had together and smile, while still missing your soulmate.

Good for you for looking through those albums. I still haven't been able to open one.

Thinking of you today. With the time difference, I'm not sure which day is THE day. But thinking of you all the same.

Melina

[kayc]

Anne, you're in my thoughts today. A toast to you, you've survived these four years and you've been an inspiration to us along the way!

[Queeniemary]

Anne, sorry I missed this post last week. I hope the four year anniversary of Dick's death was calm, and that you had a good day remembering all the wonderful times. You are an inspiration to me, and I so appreciate your posts. You give me courage that I will make it through this. I have young friends who are park rangers at the Mesa Verde National Park, are you anywhere close?

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[Anne E]

Mary, Thank you for the warm wishes. I survived the day with relative calm. However, it never ceases to surprise me when something happens that is just so very sad. Wednesday, I over-watered a plant on an end table and ended up water everywhere. I was concerned that some dripped into the drawer of the table, so I opened the drawer, noticed that it was packed full of junk and decided to sort through the stuff.

I threw away some of the stuff then noticed one of those packets developed pictures come in, when I opened it and pulled out the picture, the first picture in the pile was the house we lived in for almost 40 years in Kansas. Under the packet in the drawer were three or four of the belt buckles Dick wore, his very favorite on front and center. The belt buckle is metal with raised quail on it. He wore the buckle so much that the quail figures are worn almost smooth. He loved that belt buckle. I used to tease him about how worn the thing was. It was like a punch in the stomach. So, the tears and loneliness I expected on the 25th visited me a few days later.

This time, I didn't try to immediately "collect" myself, I just sat there and cried. When the "storm" was over, I dried my eyes, blew my nose, and finished the chore. Life goes on regardless, doesn't it?

We are a couple of hours from Mesa Verde. It's south and west of us. Canon City is about 45 minutes SW of Colorado Springs and 30 minutes W of Pueblo on Highway 50. The Royal Gorge and river rafting are our tourist attractions, as well as the 13 state and federal prisons in the valley. We are the site of the Federal Supermax where Jeffery Dulhmer, Timothy McVey, the Tennis Shoe Bomber and other terrorists and very types were and are housed.

Anne

[mfh]

Anne, I know so well those moments...surprises, ambushes, finding things, seeing things that are unexpected and voila....the tears flow etc. and like you I just cry my way through them and then...of course...we go on. Bill has belt buckles also....I have been trying to think of what I could do with them as they are also artwork.

We lived in Ouray for 4 years before we took off in a motor home for 2 years. (1996-2000). I bet you have been over there. We drove 50 many many times and went to Mesa Verde for drives also. I guess that is part of why we got the motor home which was fun and luxurious.

I am glad you survived the day with some calm. The second anniversary of Bill's death approaches. I am having dreams and nightmares a lot....along with memories and tears. I guess it is just on my mind a lot.

Mary

[kayc]

Oh Anne, I'm sorry for your sad memory lane, that does happen. I was cleaning out some stuff a while back and ran across some things...it's hard. Maybe that's just one more reason I don't like to clean out things. I ran across a roll of film George had left and since it's been at least seven years I tossed it...maybe I should have tried to have it developed, curiosity has me now, but I didn't and now it's too late. I figured it wouldn't be any good after this long. I think the reason it's so hard is everything seems so permanent.

[SCW Tim]

Anne,

This forum was a Godsend after I lost Lucille in 2009, my wonderful wife of 42 years. People were so supportive. I stopped reading and posting early in 2010 as I had reached a point that I needed to move on. Shortly after Valentine's Day last year my osteopath, who also knew my wife, introduced me to one of his patients. We met for lunch and spent the next 3 hours discovering we had so many things in common. As we were parting, we leaned toward each other and kissed gently. Later she told me she had never done that on a first date. Kissed yes, but only because the man initiated it. The past year has been an adventure for both of us. Yes, there have been disagreements because I was used to my wife's ways and she had been divorced for years, had many relationships, but none like ours. We remain in our own homes with no desire to marry or merge 2 homes with all their respective memories. This Valentine's Day I gave her a lovely diamond ring to signify our committed relationship. We speak often via phone every day and the drive to her home in Phoenix is a short 40 minutes.

Time does heal and I hope you will be able to meet someone to share your life with. There's an old and often used saying...if it's meant to be, it will happen.

I wish you well and hope this has been helpful to you and others on this forum.

Tim