My Little Boy Jackson Went Home Yesterday

[Paws Forever]

I commented on this discussion group in February after I found out that my little boy Jackson had small cell lymphoma. After that We tried some chemotherapy, which didn't do what we had hoped. Then about 6 weeks ago he caught a bad case of kennel cough because his immune system was shot. I work at the local humane society where Jackson came to work with me every day so getting kennel cough was hardly avoidable. I thought I was going to loose him then but with treatment he rallied and seemed to improve quite a bit. Then a couple of weeks ago he started slowing down again. He slept mostly but still got excited about food. Every day he'd make the rounds at work and visit everyone for treats. But I had to carry him up and down the stairs because he was so weak. Still, he'd grab a ball or toy and bring it to me now and again. I didn't see how I could possibly make the decision to release him from his dying body when his heart and soul was still saying he wanted to be here with me. Then this past weekend it seemed his breathing was more labored. I kept wishing he could tell me what he wanted me to do because I just couldn't bring myself to do what probably should have been done sooner.

Last night I had to attend an annual membership meeting at work and I took Jackson with me, as usual. I was standing in my bosses office talking about last minute details when I turned around and saw Jackson lying on the floor in a puddle of urine. I got down in the floor with him and I could see he was having a seizure and that he was extremely pale. I knew then that the time had come and i took him to his long-time veterinarian who gently and quietly sent Jackson home. And I've been crying non-stop ever since.

I don't know how I'm going to get through this. It's too hard to be at work, it's too hard to be at home. He was my best friend. Yes, I have friends and family, and a fabulous boss and co-workers who are extremely understanding. But I don't believe they could possibly understand what Jackson has really meant to me. He wasn't just my dog, he was my son, and the only creature I felt safe enough giving my whole heart to. I miss him so much!

[Lina]

I am so sorry for your loss. Your Jackson sounds like a wonderful baby. *hugs*

[MartyT]

Dear one, I too am so very sorry to learn of Jackson's passing, and I cannot imagine the depth of your pain. Please stay close to all of us as you work your way through your sorrow ~ You are among kindred spirits here, as so many of us have loved and lost our own fur babies and know too well the heartbreak of this different kind of grief . . . ♥

[kayc]

Paws,

I am so sorry for your loss. Jackson sounds truly wonderful, and I understand completely how much they come to mean to us, for I feel that way about my Arlie. I know there will come a day when I will have to face this too and I don't know how I'll survive without him. I wish our pets could live as long as we do. I have had many pets in my lifetime, but some were extra special, and my 111 lb. Husky/Retriever is my little boy. People correct me and say he isn't little, but he is to me, he just happened to come in a big body.

Jackson will always be your love, and that bond that bonds us in this lifetime will continue into the next. My heart goes out to you and I pray you make your way through this journey in peace.

Kay

[Paws Forever]

Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. Though I miss Jackson terribly I'm glad that he isn't suffering now. Right now I'm struggling with the silent, empty house and empty office. But mostly what's really killing me is not knowing that he's still "there" -- somewhere. Is someone playing with him, holding him, and loving him? I want to believe he still exists someplace. How can something so perfect and pure just cease to exist? Does anyone have any thoughts on that?

[kayc]

I don't think they cease to exist when they die, but change form. My husband died nearly seven years ago, it's impossible for me to think he doesn't exist. I believe we'll be together again, just like I will be with my animals.

[CJ Anderson]

I am so sorry for your loss. I remember who I found out that Junebug had lymphoma just a year after I had made her a therapy dog. I felt so betrayed, all the people we had still to help. I hope you are cying. the only thing is to go through it, as long as it takes. Dont be afraid to be alone. I just hope you have the disapline to think of all the good times you have together. So many people seem to get locked in the last few minutes and competely forget the happy memories they had. What a lucky lucky dog he was, to share your life and your heart that way. So many people never know that kind of love!

I struggled to with Thunder, who I help brithed and who I had to decide to euthanize when a football size tumor made it so painful for him. He lifted his head to look at me with his last breath and I KNOW he wouldnt have left me for nothing, enduring everything to stay with me. You had great courage in taking that last step, I KNOW his spirit is next to you watching out for you! I hope you will get a sign of that soon.

Thank you so much for sharing with us and I hope you will share more.

Hugs!

CJ