Is This My Mom's New Guy?

[Spika]

It's been about 10 months since my father passed away. About a week after he passed, my mother started hanging out with some guy who works for her. He was always at her house, cooking her dinner, running her errands, etc. About a month or two later he comes up to me and asks me if it would be ok with me if she dated my mom. At the time I was ok with it for some reason and I said I just wanted her to be happy. Which, I do.

Anyway I spoke to her about it and she said she had no romantic feelings for this guy. She has been saying that this whole time, up until now, 9 months later. She claims she has no romantic feelings for him but I know he does for her. I just can't help but feel like she is lying to me about it because they spend EVERY minute together, just like her and my dad did.

I realize she is a human being, and I can't expect her to never find another partner. I just have a few problems with this particular guy/situation. This guy came along SO FAST after my dad died that it was like nothing changed for her because she had this new guy to do everything my dad used to do. Such as, work on her RV, drive her vehicles to get the oil changed, pick up her perscriptions at the pharmacy, take care of her cats, make dinner, watch movies with, go out with, eat together, etc. She barely ever calls me anymore to spend time with just her... he is always around just like my dad was... he is so around it is like he is trying to fill a hole that to me, can't be filled. He even SITS in my dad's chair at the dinner table.

Anyway, if by odd chance my mother and I get to hang out without him around, she texts and calls him just as much as she did my dad and possibly even more than I do with my own boyfriend. Anyway, recently this guy's daughter has come to town and my mom has been spending a lot of time with them. She even asked me to come over and hang out with them. Of course I couldn't. Then, she asked me if I would come over and play a game with them that I only ever played with my dad and haven't played since he died. Before all this happened, my mom and I had to go out of town for a funeral and apparently while we were gone, this guy and his daughter came down to my mom's house (under the guise of animal sitting) and stayed there for hours on end instead of staying at their own house.

Finally, yesterday I told her how I felt. I told her that despite her claiming that nothing is going on between them, I see what I see and it appears in every way that they are romantic. I told her that I feel like this guy is trying to be someone he isn't. I told her that I would no longer hang out with her and this guy... It is so strange to do so, he is overly nice and caring to me it just feels awkward. Anyway, I just basically told her everything that is stressing me out about this guy.

She got pretty angry about it. She doesn't understand why I wouldn't want to hang out with them. She doesn't understand everything I see and how I see it. When I told her I wouldn't hang out with her and this guy anymore she told me, "Well I guess I won't call you anymore." When I told her that she can never expect for me to be as involved in her life with a partner as I was when my dad was alive she told me, "Maybe its a good idea that you are moving away then."

I made sure to tell her that she can do whatever she wants, that I do want her to be happy, but I don't want to be apart of whatever this is. I told her that I can still love her without agreeing with what she does.

She still tells me over and over that nothing is going on but I feel like she is trying to fool me. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if she didn't tell me one thing and if I didn't witness quite another thing. She says she only hangs out with him because he is the only person around to be friends with but she has made no effort to go to support groups to meet other people who have lost their spouse, and she has made no effort to put herself out there to meet anyone new. This guy works for her and basically one day he just showed up at her door.

Anyway, am I crazy? I feel like she thinks I have to agree with everything she does and she doesn't understand the concept that she can leave me out of her business. Maybe she is frustated because she is never alone now and the only way for us to hang out would be if that guy wasn't around, but that never happens. Any input would be helpful. I just don't see how they can't have any romantic thing going on with all of these instances I have written here. But maybe I am just young and foolish and I don't know about this kind of thing. Even if that was the case, he still makes me feel uncomfortable and I still don't know if I could hang out with him while being around my mom.

[Miss Ngu]

Hi Spika,

I don't really know what to write to you, but I can relate to some of what you said.

My 81-year-old father starting "checkin out" women about 8 months after my mom died. Of all of the changes I have had to go through since she left this planet, dealing with my dad's newfound bachelorhood has certainly been one of the toughest. It has taken me 5 months to not feel sick when I think about or discuss my dad's future -- with a new woman. This is all new territory. Still, for me, I'd rather feel totally uncomfortable regarding the situation than remove myself from my dad's life, and knowing what is going on with him. At least that is how I feel today.

My hairdresser said to me that my dad is looking to replace his wife of 60 years, because he enjoyed his life with her so much, he is hoping for another partner for his remaining years. And, if he didn't enjoy the years he had with my mom, he wouldn't be as anxious for female companionship. Eh -- it sounds good, but, it's still hard to deal with.

I don't know how this will feel once he finds a woman to spend time with, and a lot will depend on how it is presented to me (and not pushed onto me).

I'm sorry if I am wrong here, but, in reading you prior posts, it sounds like your mother found a man (other than your biological father) who you loved and loved you. Some of that actually sounds promising to me. I am hoping that I not only can deal with my dad's new partner (whoever she turns out to be), but allow her into my life. I hope he chooses well!

I realize, Spika, that you are much younger than I am, and that our sitations are different, so, I hope I am not offending you.

I hope your communication with your mom gets better. I know it can be so difficult to just speak from the heart, and not get wrapped-up in the emotions. As I wrote, I don't really know how to support you, other than to let you know that I read your post, and that my heart goes out to you.

[ANC1117]

Spika,

Not sure if you will get my post or if the situation has changed for you. I lost my wife just over a year ago, so I am speaking from the widower side. Around 6 months after Celene passed, I began to long for the companionship that I had with my wife. I began to really miss the conversations, the opposite sex point-of-view, and the affection that was now gone. I struggled with the thought of another women as a replacement for my Celene. I was fortunate to find the support of this site and realized that until my heart was ready to share with another women, it would not be fare to the other person. In addition, I have a daughter that shared her opinion about me trying to replace her mom, although there will never be a replacement. Your mom may just be longing for a friend who can help ease the pain we spouses face when the one who made us whole is gone. If she is not part of a support group or a discussion group like this, you might look at the many resources Marty has on her site. Most of all, this is a tough time for you both and whether it seems like it or not, you are a very important part of her healing as well as yours. Grief has so many levels and they hit us all differently and at different times. Hugs and understanding.

Anthony

[Miss Ngu]

Hi Anthony, Glad to see your post today...I needed it. My (81-year-old widower of 1 and 1/2 years) dad sent me a picture in an email of him and a woman that he likes and is dating. It is hard for me to see these pictures, and to hear about the company my dad is keeping, but, seeing posts like yours help me to see it from my dad's perspective, and for that, I thank you. My dad seems so desperate to find someone, that, I get scared for him. Still, I know "time is of the essence" for him (I'd guess...since he is 81 years old). So far, my dad is respecting my boundaries with how much information I can handle, and I hope this continues. I tell him if I am getting uncomfortable, but he can be insensitive at times. This is a whole new territory. My sister wants my dad to be crying for my mother, and is rather unhappy with my dad being the "flirt". Trying not to let my fears get the best of me regarding my dad's future. Taking it day-by-day. Anyway...good to hear your perspective. Thanks again.

[ANC1117]

Miss Ngu,

Your welcome. I am new to this grieving stuff and from what I have read, everyone grieves differently. Your dad's girlfriend may just be a temporary void filler. If it is, he or she will realize whether your dad is ready to share his heart with another. It is great that you can communicate openly enough to know the boundaries. Take care of your heart and love your family.

Anthony

[kayc]

You referred to your dad as "desperate" and you could be right...when my husband passed 7 1/2 years ago, I remember feeling frantic, not ready to face another 40 years alone, scared, and yes, desperate. 1 1/2 years later I remarried and it was a terrible mistake. But please understand, some luck out and find happiness for the time they have left. No one will replace your mother, and I'm sure your dad is aware of that, he is just trying to somehow fill a huge void that was left. Please try not to be too harsh on him or judge his way of coping...this is the hardest thing in the world that anyone would ever have to face and to be quite honest, however we can get through it, well that's what works for us. It is extremely hard at best. I understand it's a shock for a child to see their dad with someone else esp. since you've only seen him and your mom together and you view them as one unit. But your dad is a person with needs and feelings and this is a hard time for him too.

[MartyT]

You may find this article to be of interest: Is My Widowed Mother 'Moving On' Too Soon? ♥

[kayc]

VERY well written, Marty! Good points...