Does It Ever Get Easier? Dealing With The Loss Of My Ex Husband

[lost12201975]

My exhusband and I were married for 6 years we met when I was 19 and he was 21. Our marraige was a rocky one to say the least but none the less I considered him my friend. Prior to meeting him he had spent half his life battling inner demons that helped fuled his alcholism and other addictions. before our divorce we had 2 children together and he also helped me raise my 2 yeard old son. Our divorce wasnt an easy situation for either of us. But due to the abuse and addictions it was the only solution especially for the well being of our children. Its been at least 10 years since the divorce and through out those years he sank deeper in to his alchoholism. I always tried to be there for him as a friend but couldnt reach him. A year before his death he was hospitalized for pancreatitis, he had multiple surgeries and we thought he wasnt going to make it. it was very traumatizing for his kids as well as myself. He was given another chance at life he recovered. He was given a strong warning my doctors that if he drank again he would surely die due to the internal damage already caused due to his drinking. 11 Months later he was found in his home dead. it was 10 days before anyone found him.he drank himself to death. To date it has been about 9 months since his passing and it still hurts like as if he passed yesturday. 3 years ago i remarried and have a beautiful life that I wouldnt trade for anything but still I carry a saddness that cant be eased by anything. My heart hurts to put it simple. never imagined I would carry such a pain like this. i feel like its always going to be like this. I never want to forget him or act as if nothings happened and move on but its almost too much to bare. It saddens me to know that he just gave up and let his addiction get the best of him when he had so much to live for. And I cant help but think what if? i have so many what ifs... But in the end it all comes down to everything happens in gods times and for gods reason. I just wish I knew why. But even if I was given the answer would i accept it? Sorry for going on and on. Ive held all this in for so long... bottom line... This hurts

[terp8r]

I just wanted to tell you, I hear you and I'm thinking of you. I send you hugs and hopes of some peace for you tonight. Love, Pam

[Lina]

I am so sorry. *hugs*

[lost12201975]

I just wanted to tell you, I hear you and I'm thinking of you. I send you hugs and hopes of some peace for you tonight. Love, Pam

Thank you so much . Its been a rougher day than usual so that means alot to me.

[lost12201975]

I am so sorry. *hugs*

Thank you <3

[widower]

Very sorry to hear this. So many of us have situations or specifics about a loss that can magnify that loss even more. I am glad you were able to move on but can appreciate struggling with this. Best to you

[lost12201975]

We were seperated for a few years before I remarried. And we remained really good friends and co-parents to our children. So watching him destroy his self year after year was heart wrenching. A few people have told me me to be grateful that he is in a better place somewhere he isnt suffering. Someday I hope to be able to accept that. But for now the selfish part of me wold just like to see him here alive and well. He is going to miss the birthday parties,our kids graduations, weddings, when they have kids.... The better place should be here

[kayc]

I am so sorry you lost your friend and kids' dad. Just because we can't make our marriage work doesn't always mean the whole relationship was void...I care about my kids' dad too and would undoubtedly feel the same way if something happened to him. You can try to remember the good and release the bad and help your kids' through their loss, I know it doesn't ease your pain any...

[lost12201975]

Our son is almost an exact replica of him. He has so many of his good traits and characteristics. So in a way he is still here. The toughest part of it all is when the kids have their days and their upset and missing their dad. It leaves me helpless because I know its something that I cant fix. Its a pain I can never relieve for them. But i do my best to cheer them up and keep a positive memory alive for them. Kids are much stronger than we think. They helped me get through this more than I could help myself.

[kayc]

(((lost12201975)))

[jols]

Dear Lost,

I found your post and if it helps you feel better I am going through something similar. I was in a bad marriage to an emotionally abusive husband who also was an alcoholic and I tried very hard to keep the marriage together once he was diagnosed with cancer. Unfortunately things got so bad that while I was at work (he was home with our two children recovering after surgery and doing physical therapy) our 8 year old son was threatening to run away and our 10 year old daughter started really having major anger issues. So I divorced him even though he had stage IV cancer. It was the hardest thing I ever did but honestly at the time I felt like it was me or him... and I wanted peace for myself and the children. After the divorce things actually did get a bit calmer although I found out after the fact that he became addicted to his pain meds and was snorting his oxycodone. But he was nicer to our children and I always encouraged time together with him as he seemed less stressed with just seeing them part time. We never spoke again after the divorce was final and he died 18 months after it was final. I remember feeling after he died that there was reallly nothing that needed to be said as even now I did what I had to do. But I feel very guilt--y as it turns out he had no family support (he had three brothers and parents who lived nearby and I really thought they were helping him). Anyway when he passed away I spoke quite a bit to my children and they both thanked me and still thank me for leaving him they insist it made it easier on them.

But I keep remembering the good times of our dating and our early marriage (we were married 16 years). I miss him and feel like he would still be alive if I had just taken more of a stand with him and his addictions. So I have the same what ifs and I hurt as well. I don't have a new partner or date it just seems too hard plus I have our children (now teenagers) to raise. He died in September of 2011 and I have good days and bad but sometimes it just is very very hard. I know I am rambling now but remember that you really couldn't control what your ex chose to do... my son wisely told me the other day that his dad made his choices and I can't control everything. I hope you find peace just know that you are not alone-- enjoy the holidays and hopefully time and the new year will allow healing.

[kayc]

Oh Jols, my heart goes out to you. You did the best you could for you and your children in what was a very difficult situation. You aren't responsible for the things that came his way or for his choices, but you did get some of the repercussions. I hope peace visits your home and you and your children have a very blessed Christmas.

[AnnC]

I have dealt with something similar also. My ex and I met in college at 18. We dated for 6 years and married at 24. We were married for 6 years, but he eventually had to accept the fact that he was gay. We divorced, and remained friends, although I had times I needed to be out of touch with him because it was very hard for me to move on.

Twenty years after our divorce, he collapsed with liver failure due to Hepatitis B, which he may have gotten from a sexual partner -- the doctors couldn't tell, and it can lie dormant for decades. He survived for 19 months during which we remained in close touch though living on opposite coasts. He died within days of getting a transplant.

I was just devastated. I cried daily for two years, and then every other day for another two years. My counselor said it was complicated grief, due to the complicated nature of our relationship over the years, and also disenfranchised grief, because a lot of people couldn't understand why I would care about a gay man I divorced more than 20 years ago. But I always loved him, and he always loved me, even though marriage between us couldn't work.

It does eventually get easier. I will always miss him in my life, but the pain is not as raw and rough now, 8 years later. I keep reminding myself of this, since I am now grieving the sudden death of my brother four months ago. When the pain is so recent and overwhelming, it's hard to believe it can ever feel different. But over time, if you keep expressing your pain by crying, writing, talking, or whatever works for you, it will slowly soften and the good memories can also surface.