Question & Help Please

[Susan Y]

Hello all, I lost my sweet Mom a year ago June 28th. I have missed her terribly as we were very close. Same story as most all of you. Have any of you felt this experience has changed you or taken something away so to speak? I have worked hard and have a blessed life. A wonderful husband, 3 beautiful healthy kids and a very good management job in the medical field. Since she has been gone there is an emptiness I can't seem to shake. I always miss her but lately she is all I think about. Perhaps the anniversary date coming and going. Still can't believe it.

I am fearful I will never be the fun happy person I used to be. I have to make myself seem happy and fake I guess. I workout 5-6 days a week for stress, eat right, and I just don't know what to do. My self esteem which was not always the strongest has also been affected and I have no idea why?? Thank you all for listening, perhaps this doesn't make sense to some of you or maybe it will. I am 42 now, maybe dealing with all of this grief, my job, raising kids, has sent my hormones in a tailspin. Have a good everyone.

There is only so much friends and a spouse can understand and some thoughts are easier to share with this board. I

[Guest babylady]

so sorry for your loss. my husband passed on 5/27/12. we were together almost 42 years. i'm all alone -- no family here -- only 1 friend who can help. i have my own health problems. i try to do things around the house but feel so inadequate. he did everything for me.

i don't know if i'll ever be the same. i tend to be an outgoing person, but not feeling well has changed that.

hugs to you.

[Kavish]

Hi Susan,

I lost my best friend 3 years ago but I remember her by her smile and all the happy times (both ups and downs) we spent together. This tells me that I would like to imbibe her strength of character in me and have her in my heart always. It is easy once you let go of all the other feelings and relax your self. I don't know if I will see her again but I always think the more I do as she did the more positive and real the experience will be.

Thanks,

Kavish

[Miss Ngu]

Hi Susan, Yes...emptiness. That is a good word for it. I am also just over one year without my mom here on the planet. You wrote the words, "changed me ... taken something away" -- you bet!! I am trying to get used to this new life, while also making some adjustments in my communications with friends and family. Any enjoyment I feel, also feels different. My original topic here was, "So many changes -- Mom's death changed everything". True then...and true now. I sure wish I enjoyed "change" more. Yes, even after a year, I still can't believe it. I try not to let myself feel my fears for too long, and hold-out-hope that I will truly feel joy in my soul once again. It makes sense to me to be in such depths of loss and pain after losing my dear mother. Now, not to let it consume me, and (somehow) have it teach me to go on and enjoy life, like my mother did after the loss of HER mom. Although, she said she always missed her mother. I now know more of how she felt.

I also feel my self-esteem can be shakier without my mom here in my corner. No safety-net, no real comfort, no unconditional understanding, no one's opinion I trusted more, etc. I am more on my own. It's scary. Like I'm a baby. I guess, in a way, I am. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Yeah...could be hormones making you feel worse as well. I wouldn't discount this (I will be 51 this year). I also try not to use this as an excuse for my bad behavior, but at least I am aware of my body, being careful with my words, and not lashing-out at my husband, and making matters worse.

I miss my mom so much. Going on without her is very challenging.

My best to you Susan, and good job taking such good care of yourself!!

[niamh]

hi Susan,

I am so so sorry for the loss of your darling Mom. A big welcome to you here and sorry you've become part of this club none of wants to be in.

I lost my Dad just over 2.5 years ago and it changed me more than I could ever imagined and took much away from me. I have lost 2 aunts as an adult, one only 6 years ago who was like a second Mom to me and a best friend but losing my Dad knocked everything out of me.

It took me 2.5 months and 2 tries of going back to work before I could finally stay there and my job was something I loved, great team, great mangement thankfully and I was very good at it. When I went back it was like my mind was a blank slate, everything I had ever known was buried deep beneath the grief. For the first 6months I only spoke with probably 2 people in work and I had been working with these people for almost 5 years but every ounce of confidence was gone. I feared every meeting, being around groups of people (meetings are ok now but I still dislike large groups in social settings which I was always fine with). I think losing a parent you are close to causes us to lose our grounding in life, regardless of their age and ability to "take care" of us, I think at the end of the day they are an invisible security blanket and when that gets stripped away suddenly, like Miss Ngu says, it's a feeling of being a child again with nobody to take away the fear that comes. (I think it's a shock regardless of whether we "know" someone is going to die so I think it's always "sudden", nothing can truly prepare our minds).

So I hope that as alone as you feel you are not with your feelings, so many here can relate somewhat to how you are feeling and it's all so normal, nothing at all wrong with you although it may feel like it, it's such a natural reaction.

I'm still not as confident as I used to be and I stil avoid many many situations especially social things because of the insecurity, it's hard but in some ways I am "used to it", the only thing i have accepted is that I am so different now and I always will be, I know deep in my heart I will never be the person I once was. Like you I used to be such a fun happy person, I still struggle with it. Honestly I feel like I no longer actually understand what real happiness is. People say eventually I will be happy again, not sure I believe that. When anything "good" happens now there's always a big sting of not being able to share it with Dad and it still makes me very sad. For me I do think the best time of my life is over with and I don't mean to sound all negative like some might think,that is just my reality because there is no part of my life I can escape to that my Dad was not a part of ..........right down to a night on the town with the girls.........he would be our taxi in!! So I find the emptiness everywhere and live with it as best I can.

I think the one "good" change is my empathy, I have always been compassionate and empathetic but it's risen to a level I could not have imagined before this.

I have no real words of true comfort for you, they just don't exist but know that others in this world can relate. Keep sharing here, it's been my lifeline since losing my Dad. nobody here ever judges, ever gets sick of hearing how sad life is and how much we miss our loved ones.

sending you much love and a big ((HUG)),

Niamh

[Susan Y]

babylady,

Hugs to you too! 42 years is a very long time. I'm so sorry. I watched my Mom suffer when my Dad passed away in 84 and he did everything for her too. He was her world. She did however become independent and strong again. She wore her wedding ring until the day she died and never married or dated. I often wished she would have as she was very lonely at times. I hope you find peace and know that you will find a normal again.

[meow269]

I also feel this emptiness. I relied on my dad for so much and we talked a lot. He was my "go-to" person and without him I don't have anyone to talk to about these things I'm going through. I still find myself wanting to call him only to realize all over again that he's gone. I'd love to say that I could go to other family members but my relationship with them is weak, at best.

Its a terrible thing to experience but I hope that we are all able to find a way to overcome it or that perhaps it'll lessen as time goes by.

[Aquarius7]

I am so sorry for your loss. You can read my story in my other posts, but I can totally relate to what you're going through. Been 2 years and 2 months of this horrible loss and I am still not doing well emotionally. I try and try and try not to think about the reality of it all. I do not feel I am where I "should" be.

Every day is a struggle emotionally of some sort or other. Some days better than others. One of the many things is that there is so much I would love to talk to my Mom about and ask her always excellent advice on. Same with my Dad. I often say I wish I could at least call them and talk to them. Yet, I have to remember how they really were and know what they would probably say or advice about so many things. Here it comes...I am starting to cry. Sorry.

[hockeymom]

I can tell you from experience that it is completely normal to still feel the loss. It has been five years since I lost my grandmother and I still miss her every day. The first year was the hardest for me and there are still times I pick up the phone to call her. We used to have a glass of wine together every night and talk about our days and I would talk to her about the mischief my kids got into, etc. You don't just get over the loss of someone that you loved so much. I will tell you that time does heal. You are just a different you. I am so very sorry for your loss!

[babbent514]

sorry for your loss.I too lost my Mom Jan of 2012.I too have been having problems since she has passed.I don't feel like I will ever me the old me again,which was happy and caring to everyone.Now it's like I just don't care about anything anymore and I know my Mom wouldn't want me to be like this but I just can't seem to make it stop.I can't make this feeling I have inside get better.