My Sister Is Gone & I Miss Her

[samantha]

I found this site while trying to get help dealing with the death of my sister, my friend. I am 56, she would have been 54 next month. A monster called cancer killed her slowly and painfully. It will be 2 months next week and I miss her more every day. I don't have a memory of my childhood or adult life that does not include her. I cry more now than when she died. She was in so much pain the cancer had spread from breast to bone to lung to brain-- she lay in the hospital bed day after day having seizures until her brain died . I see her grasping for breath and it hurts so bad. She was the strongest person I have ever known. She fought for 10 years, thru it all she was so sure she was going to beat cancer. People tell me she is better off, she is not in pain, I know that, but I wanted the pain & cancer to go away and let her be whole and happy. I can't believe she won't be here for the holidays, Christmas without her is just unthinkable. I don't know what I want to accomplish by writting all this-- I want the pain to end or at least get easier. When she died I thanked God for ending her pain, that was all tha mattered at that time. Now the reality is here and I can't get past it. Thank you for reading this and please remember me in your prayers.

[MartyT]

Samantha, dear.

Yes, your sister's pain and suffering have ended and you are grateful for that ~ but you're still here, and so is the pain and suffering of your grief and mourning! We are so very sorry for your loss, and we are holding you in gentle thought and prayer.

I think that as November comes, the days get shorter and the holidays loom, everyone who is coping with loss looks forward to these days with dread and wonders how we'll ever find the strength to get through them. It may help to know that many helpful and informative articles have been written on this very topic, and on the Coping with the Holidays page of my Grief Healing Web site, I've assembled a list of links to many of them.

I hope that whatever you plan to do for Christmas this year, you will think about and find a way to include your sister in your plans. Although she is no longer with you in the physical sense, she still exists in memory ~ and the relationship you have with her, the love you feel for her, certainly has not died.

Because your loss is so recent, you may not have the energy to constuct an elaborate ritual of remembrance -- perhaps something as simple as lighting a Christmas candle in honor of your sister will do -- but as a very wise lady once said, "If their song is to continue, then we must do the singing."

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

[Padre]

I know the pain of losing a sister. I am 52 years old and live in Tampa, Fl. My sister, Nancy died 4 years ago this month. I soent those 4 years helping others through their grief, and now it's time for me. I couldn't belive that the emotions clamoured for attention starting in September. I returned home to visit my elderly Mom and surviving brothers over the weekend that was the 4th Anniversary of my sister's death. It was a very difficult trip because my Sis and I would handle the problems of the family together. It was brought home to me that she was no longer there to help. I felt alone, and missed her terribly. Thank God for this web site, and for th e moderator. It certainly is helping me to face into my grief. Here I thought it was all kinds of medical issues going on....the memories of my sister and I come fast and furious. Once I allowing myself to cry as I recall the memory there is an "integration...a calming...a peace". It's almost like a volcanno erupting...I am thankful that this is happening. Journalling and searching for a bereavment group is also helpful. My schedule is allowing time to do this.

My pain is like her death just happened. I have begun to gather some of her personal effects in the house....also getting pictures together and making an alblum about our friendship is a goal of mine. Let me know what others are doing to work through their grief.

[Maylissa]

Padre,

I apologize for not responding to your posting much earlier, but have found I'm still dealing more with my Mother's loss, even though, ironically, I first joined this particular board to try and start dealing with my brother's death ( 2 months after my Mom's ). So I guess you could say I'm still not really dealing with his death at all! However, what you said about those feelings coming up during your visit with family did make me think. Were there any event like that in my future ( not at ALL likely - a long story ), I'm quite sure that's when my own brother's death would hit me anew as well. I think we sometimes need these particular triggers to really bring it home for us. In my case, since I'd only renewed communication with this brother in the last 6 months before our Mother passed away, it's not like I've had a lot of more recent experiences with him to draw upon, and I suspect that has at least something to do with my not feeling as much as I might otherwise. We'd been estranged, in a matter of speaking, for about 14 years before that, so my major memories of him revolve around much earlier times. And I can't say that we were ever good friends, either, so that all leaves me rather in limbo with his death. You probably find you can't relate too well with my situation....another reason I hesitated to write at all. I'm finding there aren't many who seem to have similarities in my circumstance surrounding my brother's death, so it's hard for me to even get started on processing this loss.

[Guest Jaikaran Sawhny]

I lost my older sister 3 and 1/2 years ago, I am 23 now she would have been 31...

it is still impossible, I still miss her, dream about her, I don't know how I would have coped without my other sister who is 29, she is my best friend... But all of us were, we were inseprable. It doesn't get easier I wish someone could have conveyed that.

If you have recently lost someone close Im sorry to say it doesn't get easier, just easier to shuffle the pain.

My prayers are with all of you, I feel your pain and longing, It seems only now i am coming to grips with it.

Good luck, and I hope you the best, just needed to get it off my chest.

Jaikaran

[Guest Gia]

Samantha,

I could have written your post myself with just a few changes. My sister died December 13th after an 18 month battle with the same breast cancer progression. At the end, she was drowning from the fluid in her lungs. Her last breath was quiet as she released herself to the place we all must enter. I miss her so, and my heart goes out to you. Her birthday is December 28th, and so the sword is double edged, Christmas and her 62nd birthday without her. I have lost my worst critic and my best cheer leader. Even through the death of our parents 18 and 15 years ago, I did not feel as lost as I do now. You are in my prayers, as I would appreciate being in yours.

[Shirley Withey]

My sister died on December 6, 2019 from ALS. At first I felt a sense of relief and that she was no longer suffering. She was not only my sister but my best friend. Now I feel so lost without her. Up until she could no longer talk we were on the phone everyday, and then we would text. She moved in with me last July 6th,  we walked together through both parent’s deaths. I told her everything. I have 2 brothers but they are coping differently. I feel so alone and have no confidante. 

[kayc]

@Shirley Withey  I am so sorry for your loss.  I lost my sister, Donna, 3/23/18.  She was quadriplegic and had spent 50 years trapped in her body, which didn't work.  The same accident also claimed the life of her three year old, Jimmy and she wasn't able to raise her baby, Micky.  After the initial adjustment of a couple of years or more, she handled her lot in life with dignity and grace, and she was an inspiration to us.  We, her sisters, pulled together and tried to give her something immediate to look forward to and be there for her.  For all those years we took her out to lunch and shopping, coming from all over the state to do so.  It changed things when she died, she was the common thread that pulled us together.

I had a friend who died from ALS, it was terribly hard watching his physical downhill spiral, he also handled it with grace.  I can imagine how you must be feeling without your sister.  Yes, men sometimes handle grief differently than we do.  I'm sorry you've lost your confidante, it sounds like she was your best friend.

While we are happy for them that they're out of their suffering, we still cry for ourselves because we miss  them so much.  My heart goes out to you, I know your loss is huge, much like mine was when I lost my husband and best friend, 14 1/2 years ago.  It helps to express yourself, I hope you'll continue to come here, there will be others along shortly.

[pink]

I am so sorry, my sister died march 2017, it would have been her 63rd birthday today. I sent a balloon up to heaven for her. I know she got it and is spending the day with all the ones who are there with her. I miss her so much and wish she was here on earth with me now in my heart

[kayc]

I am so sorry, I know you miss her, just as I am missing mine.  Wishing her a happy birthday in heaven!