My Fiancee Died I Feel Erased And Invisible

[InvisibleLove46]

I'm new here and I'm posting because I don't know what else to do. My fiancee died 11/18/2012 from complications due to sepsis. At the time of his death he was an incomplete quadraplegic as the result of a fall on Juy 16th. At the time of his injury we'd been dating almost two years. After his accident I found out he hadn't been faithful but I forgave him, we continued our relationship and planned a future together. He was sent to a facility to be weaned off of the ventilator and our trip into hell began.

I was at this "facility" day and nite by his side. I advocated for him, I became more than just his girlfriend/fiancee I was his caregiver and cheerleader I did everything I could to be there for him. I virtually lived with him at the hospital. I promised him when I forgave his indiscretion that I would be there no matter what happened.

I don't think his family ever took our relationship seriously. I felt disregarded and invisible with them. They always seem to defer to his ex-wife for most information even though it was me who was at his bedside every night and day. During the 4 months he was hospitalized I felt like I was the "help" when it came to his family. They weren't around to do anything for him, they weren't there to hold his hand when he was afraid, sleep by his bedside, keep his spirits up each time he had a set back.

I was there for the setbacks and the disapointments, the delays to going to rehab, I saw the disapointment when friends and family didn't visit or call. I watched him sink into a depression. I was witness to his emasculation, but he was still the strong beautiful man I fell in love with and planned a future with in spite of the obstacles he was facing. I stayed with him when my friends and family advised me to walk away. Because of the sepsis he was finally transferred back to an acute care hospital and we were told that the infection was too devastating and they were only prolonging the end. His family still didn't include me in the decision making for him. I was even verbally attacked by a sister who only visited him 4 times in the 4 months he was hospitalized. When his organs began to fail, wasn't really conscious and barely responding to touch and the sound of my voice I decided to say my goodbyes to him.

I stood at his bedside and I told him how much I loved him, how much he meant to me and how much I would miss him. I told him that I knew his body was tired and giving up and that it was ok if he wanted to go on, that I would be ok, that he was released from the promises he made to fight for me and for us and the future we'd planned. I continued to go to the hospital everyday still praying for a miracle. The day before he died I didn't go to the hospital I was exhausted and overwhelmed. The nurse at the hospital called me the day he died and told me I should get there. Everyone did their usual show up for a few minutes and then leave. I stayed. When his blood pressure was unmeasurable and his heart beat slowed, I was there. When his heart stopped beating I was there at his side.

His family asked his ex-wife to write his obiturary and she hosted the repass at her house. The house where he lived with her before their divorce. In the obiturary I was only mentioned as a special friend and it was written as though he was still married to his ex-wife at the time of his death. My only participation was to help pick out his burial clothes. I made only one request that he be buried wearing the watch I gave him for Christmas 2011. At the funeral I felt so erased from his life. I watched people make remarks watched people crying and hugging his family people who never visited him both friends and family. I got angry. I'm still angry. I didn't go to the burial I didn't want to see the drama or hear the wailing and screaming. I also didn't go to the repass. I haven't heard from his mother since the day before the funeral although the ex-wife calls me almost daily. At one time I though we'd developed a relationship, a bond if you could call it that but after I was erased from his life I don't feel the same. I'm angry and hurt. I can't sleep because I'm always thinking about him. When I do sleep, I dream about him. I awake from these dreams and then can't go back to sleep its an endless cycle. I know I'm supposed to move on but I don't know where to start. I'm a recession victim so I'm unemployed and can't find work. I have too much time on my hands. All of my plans included him, so I don't know where to start. I took a small step today, I'm writing this post. What I really want is to get back to some sort of normal I just can't seem to make it happen and happen fast................

[Lina]

*hugs* I am so sorry.

[kayc]

Invisible...I don't know what to call you but I don't like calling you this because you aren't invisible. I'm sure a therapist could shed light on why they did what they did, but I think it had to do with wanting themselves to be more prominent and maybe feeling guilty because it was you that everything fell to while they let you handle everything. People do odd things.

The important thing is you were with him clear up to the end, and you got to say your goodbyes to him and he knew you loved him, he knew what you meant to each other. You did all you could do. I know it's hard afterwards, that's what all of us have had to learn to face. I know how hard it is to find work too, I'm only working part time and after applying for nearly 300 jobs, it's discouraging. I keep trusting things will work out in the end, and do for you too.

My heartfelt sympathy, I know all too well how hard this is.

Kay

[ANC1117]

Inv,

I feel so sad for your loss. I am not sure why parent do some of the things they do. I can recall the Thanksgiving after Celene passed. It was at her mom's home and I sat in the corner as if I wasn't a part of their family anymore; as if a stranger. Time has passed and we have began to be more closer. I only can only hope that situations change, for you too, as time passes. You have taken a great step by reaching out here. This is a group of loving and caring people.

Anthony

[Ron B.]

Hi InvisibleLove. What a heart-rending post! You provided total support for your dying fiancee. Yet you remain completely unacknowledged by your fiancee's family. So harsh! Still, you know you did the right things, so hold your head up high. Your 'invisible love' shines brightly here.

Families enduring the loss of a loved-one can be treacherous. Everybody is under a lot of stress, and there is often plenty of conflict both inside families and around the outer edges. I had mountains of trouble in my own family during my mother's illness and death 3 years ago. Now most of that is healed. Dozens of other people in these forums have also endured every variety of conflict within their own families. Sometimes 'friends' of bereaved families suffer as well, being badly marginalized or treated with open hostility.

Don't let conflict with others define your life or wreck your good morale! Having done the right things for your fiancee is a much better narrative about who you are than what others think and say. Your grief is so raw and painful now, but that will ease with time. For example, your anger may be intense, but you can alleviate some of it if you can begin to forgive others for their transgressions. And keep sharing your 'invisible love' wherever you can; maybe you will find the right people who can acknowledge it.

Here, at least, you will get the support you need to help you through grief. And please don't overlook counseling! It has helped me and a great many others here.

Ron B.

[kayc]

George and I were the love of each other's lives, yet I hear nothing from his family since his funeral. You're not alone. Oddly, I hear from his daughter whom I never met, but that's all and even that is rare.

[MartyT]

My dear friend, I’m so sorry to learn of the death of your fiancé, and sorry too that you’re feeling so discounted, devalued and invisible in the wake of this terrible loss.

What you are experiencing is what we’ve come to know as “disenfranchised grief” ~ a term originally coined by Dr. Kenneth Doka. It won’t change a thing, but reading a bit about this form of complicated grief may help you to better understand why you’re feeling as you do. See, for example, Ken’s article, Coping with Hidden Sorrow, and my blog post, Disenfranchised Grief: Mourning the Loss of a Dream. The situations described in these two articles may differ somewhat from your own, but I think you may find some useful information, comfort and support in their content.

You say your plans always included your beloved so you don’t know where to begin. As the saying goes, a long journey begins with a single step, and I commend you for taking that first step by sharing your story here. As Ron has suggested, in addition to the warm and compassionate support I know you will find here, I hope you will consider giving yourself the gift of an in-person grief support group or a few sessions with a bereavement counselor, either of which can be of enormous help in finding your way. ♥

[AnnC]

I can understand about disenfranchised grief. My husband and I divorced sadly back in the 80's because he realized he was gay. It was devastating and took years to mourn my marriage, but later we became good friends. When he died in 2004, of liver disease, it was losing him all over again. That's when I first found tjis website. So many people, including most of my family, could not imagine why I should be so upset. After all, they said, he was only my ex. But I loved him no matter what.

He, too, suffered from disenfranchised grief, ten years before his own death. His partner died suddenly, and my ex was devastated. His partner's family came, took the body back to the state where they lived, and cut my ex out of all arrangements, and would not tell him when or where the funeral was.

I don't know why people act like this. It is so cruel. But I do believe the most important thing is that you loved each other, and you both knew it, and no one can ever take that away from you. Take care of yourself.

[zeeks]

I was married to Roger for just short of 22 years. I also feel invisible by all, his son, my family everyone. After the initial formality of the funeral and all it seemed everyone went on with their lives. That is all fine and good , they should...but Roger was the only one who ever accepted me, liked me for me and loved me...besides God. Parents love us cause they give us birth, but to really like who I am...I do not see it. I have a post "Why" on here as well... but no strength to type it here... sorry. If you read it you might understand some... I definitely feel invisible too...unless someone wants something and I can give it to them, otherwise I get allthe degrading one can receive.

Hope you find yourself, I am sorry for your loss... I am invisible too!