3 Year Anniversary Approaching

[Queeniemary]

Hello Friends,

Sometimes you think you are doing pretty well, then certain memories won't leave your mind, and the vast waves of grief, that you thought you had conquered come pouring back. Mike will be gone 3 years a week from tomorrow, on the 13th. Today I am sitting here and thinking about what it was like three years ago on the 13th when I learned of his death. And the days that followed. Still cannot remember some of it very well. I was in hospital when he died, and on pain meds, having had surgery on the Monday before he died on Wednesday, so brain was fuzzy to start with.

At times I question friends and family, just to try to make sure I am remembering things correctly about those days. They probably get tired of me doing that, but are pretty patient with me.

I just want to sit and cry today...and I cannot, family is coming over afterwhile, and they will worry if I am sad and crying. One thing for sure, next Sunday on the 13th, I am going to indicate to everyone that I am going out of town for the day, and then am just going to lock my doors, and not answer my phones, hide my car, and give myself over to grief without having to consider if I am worrying anyone!

Probably is not helping that I am sitting here listening to music that he liked, right?

On the 3rd of January was the 19th anniversary of my Mom's death, I miss her very much also. January is not a good month for me. Neither is December. My Dad and my oldest sister both died in December four years apart.

Thanks for letting me ramble on, I am pretty blue today. Missing Mike so much. I am sharing a picture of Mike, when he played the part of Billis in South Pacific. The song was "Honey Bun". I love this picture, and we always got a big laugh out of it. Need a laugh today.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[mfh]

Dear Mary,

I do know how difficult these anniversaries are. Bill will be gone 3 years on March 27 and I am already wondering what all that will be like. I feel sad, but very understanding, that you have to buck up with family. I get that--- I do the same. And I do honor your locking the door and taking the 13th for YOU. We are always here for you on that day with understanding. These tough days seem to come in strings...January is the beginning of one for me.. Know that you do not walk through these days alone. We are here for you and with you. I think listening to his music is NOT a bad thing. Tears and the expression of our grief are healing even if we do that alone. Thinking of you these days.

Peace,

Mary (the other one)

[enna]

Dear Mary,

I loved the picture. I am only beginning to understand the deep pain of remembering special days. My Jim has only been gone for seven months yet it seems like forever!! So many memories in December for me. And the holidays were very difficult. I think that we are so fortunate to have this forum where we can express our emotions to those who really do 'get it.' I also understand as Mary says that we are sometimes forced to 'buck up' with family members. Sitting and crying anytime seems to work for me and I do turn the phone off and and listen to music or watch sad movies. I think anything that draws the tears out of us is good for us.

Please know that you are not alone and we will be remembering you and Mike during these hard days. Peace, Anne

[kayc]

Mary, Thank you for sharing that picture, he looks like a good sport! It must have been fun being married to him. I'm with you on taking the 13th off, you should handle it the way YOU want to! Our thoughts will be with you...

[HAP]

Dear Mary,

Hang in there. I had your day yesterday. Went to the cemetery this morning and cried my eyes out. But I had a meeting to run tonight--and like you--I had to put on an act to get through it.

I'll be thinking of you next week. Be well.

Peace,

Harry

[melina]

Mary - I know what you mean. I have that experience fairly often. Something will suddenly bring up all the memories from THAT DAY. It can reduce me to tears and make it hard to concentrate on anything else. That can be a big problem if it happens at work, which it sometimes does. Sometimes I wonder if this was a trauma for me because I feel the anxiety and pain so intensely, as if I was back there, reliving it. A kind of flashback. Maybe it's the same for you.

Will be thinking of you...

Melina

[Queeniemary]

Thanks friends, it is good to know my back is covered during these times. Melina, it did feel like flashbacks yesterday, just could not get my mind off of things. I just kept going over and over the phone call where I learned Mike was dead. Not realizing at the time that my life as I knew it was over. I do believe we experienced trama, I know there are still things about that time that I cannot remember, and may never remember. I never saw Mike after his death. He was to be creamated, and by the time I got home from the hospital on Thursday afternoon, my friend who works at the funeral home discouraged me from viewing him. He said it had been too long, sometimes I wish I had insisted. I know they were trying to protect me, but I wish I had seen his face once more.

And yes Harry, we do learn how to put on those acts, sometimes we almost fool ourselves, don't we. I will go along for a stretch thinking I am doing pretty good, coping, then something happens, like this coming anniversary, which blows all my props out of the water. The pain at these times, is as great as it was in the beginning, just does not last as long, but pain always there.

Later my daughter and her family came and hooked up my WII, for my WiiFit plus. We are all going to be using it. Also got some music discs to go with it and some sports ones. I am looking forward to using it. That sort of took my mind off of things, especially when daughter and husband were arguing about where to hook which cable....lol. They got it hooked up, however, I am going to go use the WiiFit when I get off here. Anything for distraction.

Our 50th class reunion is in May, so I am going to be making name tags, programs for that, so that will help keep me busy. Also we are starting rehearsals for "Steel Magnolias" to be done on the big Lyric stage (as opposed to the small setting for dinner theater last year) We had so many requests to do it on the big stage, and when a musical had to be postponed, they begged us to put on Steel Magnolias again. It will be fun, working with a great group of women....and I get to be Ouiser (Weezer) again, and all my bitchiness can just hang out!! Busy is the key for me.

Kay, he was a lot of fun to be married to. He was totally sure of himself, and had fun dressing up in any costume for the plays.....and he did a lot. Some day I will put a few more of his pics on here.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[mfh]

Mary, I have no doubt that I was in trauma as I took care of Bill and that his death was traumatic for me. I still feel stunned. I think we get afraid to use the word trauma as we tend to think of it only in terms of war, being in a huge car crash, etc. But what can be more traumatic than losing part of who we are including our entire lifestyle with its hopes and dreams, the person we feel most connected to on this entire planet and more.

Mary

[Wifflesnook]

I think trauma is the right word, and I think that is why when the thought of Pete's death comes into my mind it veers away, and its like I'm only thinking about thinking about thinking about it, if you understand me. The reality is too harsh and I'm still not able to cope with it even though I live with his absence every minute. I don't live like I used to. I merely float above my life. Other people who talk to me wouldn't have a clue that this is so. It's all inside my head but then everything is inside our heads isn't it? I wish I could allow myself to feel the pain fully but maybe it's better this way? Mary, you say you are still stunned. I am stunned, and numb with grief. If I wasn't numb I wouldn't be able to live, breathe, eat, talk. I think you will understand this. I had no idea what the loss of Pete would be like, but I thought I couldn't survive it. I have survived but I live a half life now. I don't even want to improve. I want to remain in this position because I feel it keeps me as near to Pete as I can be. I suspect this isn't good but it is as it is.

[HAP]

Dear friends,

My brother is a cop in Seattle. He has lost a number of friends 'on the job" and says he suffers a bit from PTSD. After dealing with me for a while he says I seem to have a solid case of it. I think all of us who lost our spouses in difficult ways have many of the symptoms of PTSD--especially the flashbacks. I wonder if perhaps the kind of therapy offered to police and military folks ought to be part of the grief counseling process. Nt that they seem to have great success dealing with it.

Peace,

Harry

[kayc]

Mary, my heartfelt prayers are with you today. Yes, I have no doubt that we all experienced trauma the day we learned...whether it be of their death or their impending death, it comes as a shock to us the moment the blow is dealt. We do get flashbacks but I think with time it lessens in frequency. Still there are reminders that sometimes hit.

You are not alone.

[Queeniemary]

Hi friends,

I have been rethinking my decision to be a hermit on Sunday, the 3rd anniversary of Mike's death. Sunday is the day that my daughter and her family usually come and we fix a meal and play games. I was going to cancel Sunday, but got to thinking. Sandy was very tramatized also, she is the one who found Mike's body. There are still parts of that afternoon that she cannot remember. She has no real memory of calling her husband, or 911, but she did. I do not feel I can shut her out on the anniversary of his death. She and Mike were very close. He was her stepfather, but after her Dad died, a few years before Mike, she pretty much considered him her Dad. Maybe just doing our usual will help both of us. I think there will be some remembering and talking about Mike, and probably some laughter, as that was what he brought to most gatherings. As much as I loved him, and as much as I miss him, I sometimes forget that others loved him and miss him also. If I find that I need to be alone, I will have the time after they go home in the late afternoon.

I have been remembering so much this week, I found a birthday card in some papers I was going through, I am assuming it was my last birthday in November before Mike died in January. Just reading the card brought me to tears. I did not remember the card even after I picked it up and read it. It was kind of a little sign to me that he is still around, the card said "Love You, Michael"

Made me think he was talking to me through the card.I think he was.

I am going to try to not be so sad on Sunday, I think he is still around, and even thought I cannot see him, I think he is looking out for me.....besides he loved to play games, what better way to celebrate his life. He was very competitive, and really liked to win!!

Maybe he will give me a little edge on Sunday for the games.....I am not usually the winner!! My very best friend in the world, Kathryn, who lives in AZ and I were talking on the phone yesterday. She is just as competitive as Mike was in games. We were laughing about how they both turned into 5 year olds whenever we played games together. They were awful!! We had a lot of laughs yesterday remembering. They were both so good at Trivial Pursuit. She loved to give hints to me in Trivial Pursuit....I am horrible at the game. Mike was a purist, he felt you either knew the answer or you didn't and should get no clues. They would get into loud arguements when she would give me clues, and I would just laugh.

I so appreciate all the support that comes from this site. I am feeling pretty good right now, however, as you all know, that could change drastically by Sunday. I still am in total shock that he is gone, three years seems like 3 days sometimes. I keep hoping that someday I will not feel so stunned by his death, but am beginning to think, after all this time, that is not going to happen.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[mfh]

Mary,

What a lovely idea and tribute. And like you said you can have alone time after they are gone and before they come. Last year on the anniversary of Bill's death, I spent the morning alone and then a friend and I went to the cemetery and placed flowers and then to lunch at a place Bill and I frequented. I carefully chose the friend. I know Bill was present that day because as I was sitting alone in the morning looking at the clock on my phone so that I would be aware of the very minute he died, the phone stopped working at the same very minute he died. It stayed stuck on it for 10 minutes until I finally opened it up and removed the battery. The friend who was supposed to come shortly after that time was late and apologized because as she drove over she noticed her phone stopped at that same minute that Bill died, so she stopped at the US Cellular office to see if there was a problem with the system. Of course there wasn't. They removed her battery and it worked. Three days later a soul sister (I only have a handful of those wonderful women) of mine who was in Milwaukee 200 miles away on the anniversary went to make a call during a meeting. her phone was frozen...yep at 10:46am. The man sitting next to her whose phone was identical and from the same office here in Spring Green offered her his phone as his was working fine. Now, explain that to me

Your day will be a mix of solitude, laughter, tears, and shared moments. I applaud you. And Mike will be and always is with you. I will be thinking of you Sunday. I have the 3rd anniversary coming up in March and yes, it seems like yesterday especially at times when my emotions get so raw and yes, I am still shocked and stunned. I feel my breath and heart catch frequently when it dawns on me that he is gone. But is he? Not completely. If you missed Harry's post yesterday, go read it. I think it is in the Positives string. It is amazing and says it all so well.

Peace to your heart, Mary. You are in my thoughts

The other Mary

[kayc]

Mary, It sounds like a good plan that you have for Sunday. Three years is still not so far out, it took me all of that time to process George's death. It will get better, I wish it didn't take so much time, but it seems to.

Other Mary, yes I remember your telling us about your friend's phone stopping at the same time of Bill's death, that was really weird, but these unexplainable things do seem to happen, don't they!

[HAP]

Dear Mary,

I agree with everyone: do the game thing. I made the mistake of being alone for the second anniversary of Jane's death: not good. Being with others--for at least part of the day is a good idea. Playing games as you used to do with him is a great idea.

Peace,

Harry

[kayc]

Unfortunately, George died on Father's Day so my kids are always with their dad and friends are always busy with their personal celebrations I end up spending it alone.

[Queeniemary]

I went to see "Les Miserables" last night with my close friend Joe. Joe is gay, and about 20 years ago lost his partner of 10 years, and totally understands how I feel. Probably not the best movie to see this close to anniversary of Mike's death. However, in my opinion it was just wonderful. The singing, acting, camera work, it was amazing. I cried, laughed, my heart hurt, and I came away emotionally drained, but it was worth it. Amazing movie. Highly recommend it. Going to a birthday party for young (30) twins who are friends of mine. Going with my daughter, son in law, and friend Tom (who lost his wife 4 months before Mike died). It will be a good evening.

I seem to do better if I surround myself, sometimes need to be alone, but for this weekend being surrounded seems to be working better for me.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[mfh]

Dear Mary, I have not had a chance to see Les Mis yet and approach it with mixed feelings as I saw the stage play years ago and know it will swing me back and forth from joy to sorrow. We shall see. I am glad you enjoyed it, cried in it and more. My friend, Bob and his partner, Tom (of 46 years) are people who mostly get my loss...they both dread one of them dying and Bob was one of Bill's caregivers. I love being with them because they are men who are not afraid of their feelings and they give great hugs. It sounds like you are listening to and honoring what feels right about today and mostly tomorrow. You go, girl. I am thinking of you. Love, mary

[Queeniemary]

I think Maybe Mike is telling me not to be alone this weekend. That is good, because it looks like I will not be much alone.

Harry I was alone on the 1st and 2nd anniversaries, and I think playing games will be better this year. I think he will be here, and probably winning if he could join in!!

Mary, Joe and Steve are two of my closest friends, and you are right.....they give great hugs. Joe and I both sat there crying in the movie last night....

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[kayc]

I'm so glad you won't be alone. Two of my sisters went to see Les Mis but the nearest theater is 55 miles so I haven't seen it. Your plans sound good!

[Queeniemary]

Dear Friends, the 3rd anniversary of Mike's death has now passed. It was actually a very good day. I was alone in the morning until about 11, looked at photo albums, cried. My daughter and her oldest daughter came about 11, and we fixed breakfast. Her youngest daughter and husband stayed home, as youngest daughter has flu, and was running fever. The three of us played mexican domino game, laughed, sometimes got real silly. While we were playing my friend Joe texted me about getting a group together to watch Golden Globes, and he would provide and grill steaks. We ended up having a small group here, lots of good food, some wine, toasted Mike, and watched the Globes. It was a good evening and day. I truly believe Mike orchestrated the day through family and friends so that I would not be alone.

I posted a picture of Mike on FB, see below, and many of his friends chimmed in. I forget sometimes that I am not the only one who misses him, I just probably miss him the very most. There are still always going to be days that I don't know how I am going to survive without him, but I have done it now for 3 years, and I suspect that I will continue to do so.

Thanks for the thoughts that came my way yesterday, I do appreciate it so much.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[mfh]

Mary, I won't repeat what I messaged you but I am glad the day went so well. The 3rd anniversary, as it approaches for me, feels very strange. I have not defined that yet but three years sounds so long ago when the pain feels so fresh. A friend whose husband died the same day Bill died (yes, the same day) asked me how it felt to start another year and just today I got in touch with the fact that in ways it is easier than the last two but in many other ways it feels like another mountain...high rugged mountain... standing in front of me waiting to be climbed. I stand at its foot wondering what is up there and how well I will trod the path. I have learned to take this journey a day at a time and think I have finally come to terms with my impatience and need to be further than I am or other than I am. I accomplish little but it is getting more ok. These past three weeks of being sick and alone and not doing much of anything, let me know I have finally put the brakes on and it feels good. Very empty but good. I am going to do re-entry very cautiously and slowly and hope I never get as out of balance as I have been in terms of over scheduling. I did not know much of the time that I was over scheduled as I have spent 72 years being busy. (I would bet at 3 I was busy) Onward, Mary, into year 4...now that seems even stranger. Peace, the other Mary

[kayc]

Mary,

Glad you survived the day, it sounds like most of it was pleasant, being with family. Thank you for sharing your picture!

Both Marys,

Once I got through three years, the 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th was about the same, that is, the first three were the hardest for me. I guess I got used to it as much as I was going to and now what I have is what I have to live with, whatever improvements there are seem to be so gradual as to not be noticeable.

[mfh]

That is sort of how I feel, Kay. That this is how it will be emotionally. I have to figure out what it is that will put meaning in my life...a passion of some kind. I have said from day 1 that I do not seek happiness but rather I seek meaning. Today I read an article about that and shared it on Facebook. Time to re read Frankl for the hundredth time. Thank you for your perspective.

Mary

[nats]

Hello Mary,

I'm right there with you my friend, my 3 year mark is Valentines Day and the anxiety/stress/emotion/sadness and emptiness among other feelings of grief have crept out showing it's face reminding me of that life changing day 2/14/10. My son and his wife visited me with my new Grandson this past weekend and really brought the emotions to a full blown meltdown, as Ruth so wanted her first Grandchild so bad, I know she was present in spirit as my dogs and cat were restless and almost looking for her. Another thing that's tough is all the Valentines hype, rolling out within weeks of Christmas triggers it yearly, as does Christmas it's self.

Glad to hear your day went well...my day falls on a Thursday this year and I'm off that day so I'm going to keep myself busy until my best friend Brenda is off work then we will work out at the gym and have dinner as normal.

Hope your doing well...I dont post as often but read all the new topics and drop in once in awhile, seems everyone is forging forward at there own pace...that's good to read.

NATS