Everything Seems So Shallow

[mfh]

Oh, Anne, I am so excited for you. Do you have a breed in mind, a size? Or is it wide open as that furbaby bonds with his or her eyes? I can not tell you how much Bentley has been a help and therapist both during Bill's illness and since his death. When he is not here, like these days when friends are walking him, the house is just so empty and silent. I find myself looking out the window to see if he is returning. He also had has a hard time leaving me...literally clinging to me the first few times Maya took him. Such company and such healing. Do let me know. Is it today that you are going? Mary

[enna]

So many questions, Mary… Yes, I have thought very carefully about this – I do not want a very small dog nor could I have a Greyhound, Newfoundland, or other BIG dog in my family since I would not be able to exercise my new family member as it would need. No puppy. My energy is not there yet.

I need a dog that would be friendly with my granddog, Fred, who is a Beagle. Fred gets along with anyone. I would love a medium sized dog but mostly I want someone in my family who will feel the love I will have for it and be happy to hang around the house with me.

I am fortunate to be retired and will be home most of the time. I also have friends around the community who will visit so my new family member can socialize with others. I won’t be able to go up into the mountains that surround me here in the valley, but I should be able to do easy trails. Even Sedona has walking places when we have gone there with Fred.

You mentioned to me before that he/she will find me and we will know.

Funny how you know when the time is right.

I have to go out and cover my outside pipes. We are suppose to have some freeze weather for the next few nights and I already have neighbors calling me and telling we what I have to do. Anne

[MartyT]

Oh Anne, I am so excited for you! Please do let us know the moment you're free to do so ~ I cannot wait to learn about your new fur person. What a terrific decision! Good for you! Yay!

[mfh]

Anne, it appears there are a few animal lovers on this forum.... so excited for you. Send pictures!!! Great timing.

I just had someone pop by who knows I have been very sick with flu and then pneumonia and the first thing I noticed is that she is too sick to be out anywhere...I asked her to leave. So proud of myself but I know I am very vulnerable right now. I can feel that I am on the edge. I could not believe she would come here with the flu or whatever she has...awgh! Oh, well.

Pictures, Anne...! I won't ask anymore questions. Promise. Bentley says to tell you that he is also excited for you and for the new furbaby.

[kayc]

OMG Mary, I can't believe someone sick would come over when you're in this condition! They shouldn't come over when you're WELL, let alone struggling with Pneumonia! Grrr! Good for you, telling her to leave.

Anne, I'm glad you've made this decision, and added bonus: pets are known to lower BP. PLUS you find yourself walking more regularly when you have one because what we won't do for ourselves, we will do for them!

[enna]

I just finished dinner with a friend of mine who is like a brother to me. He was so good with Jim during his last years of life. Otto had a three week stint in the hospital over the last two months and they finally have narrowed down his DX - he has esophageal cancer (early stages). Hopefully they will be able to remove the tumor with no radiation or chemo!! His wife, Terri, who passed away with breast cancer four years ago taught with me for over three decades. We all have known one another for a very long time.

I will let you know when I bring a new family member (my luv dog) home. He/she will look at me and know that he/she has found its new family.

Mary, good for you that you sent that visitor away. Thank you, Kay, for reminding me that I will soon have a very good reason for getting of my behind and start walking more!! Anne

[mfh]

Oh Anne, I remember when Otto was ill and I know how much you care for him and how Jim cared for him. I am so sorry. It sounds like they caught this early and I will keep him in my prayers. Do keep us informed.

Yes, as soon as I asked her if she was sick ( it was pretty obvious) she said, oh, I beter go so that made my agreeing with her easy. So think she just was not thinking. I also canceled my volunteer time at the food pantry Monday as I started feeling a set back...coughing, head filling up etc. people in this town are dropping like flies...and then after 2 or 3 weeks of being sick with flu find that it strikes back again. I have had that happen before (since Bill died as I k ow my immune system is compromised so I am being overly cautious. If I am worn down and then keep getting sick..I will never get ahead. It is so interesting that the entire four plus years I took care of my Bill I never got sick and then came payback time. I AM going to beat this thing this year and get my physical health back.

Imstarted watching Downtow Abbey this season but was totally lost as i did not know the backstory or characters. so I just finished season 1 On Netflix. I am watching it on my iPad as I can hear it better. I am enjoying it and Bill would love all the old cars. He collected antique cars. He would buy a beater and using original parts, paint etc restore them meticulosly. The last one he owned was a 1932 Rolls Royce Silver Ghost. He got it for $1200, restored it and sold it cheap (long story and before my time). We learned recently its current value was a quarter million. Oh well.

Otto will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Mary

[enna]

Thank you so much, Mary. I so want Otto to be all right. I'm glad that you are not going to the food pantry on Monday. This FLU is dangerous. I understand what you mean when you say that you were in good health when caring for Bill. I don't remember having a day that I was ill when caring for Jim in five years! I still think of myself on a treadmill. Soon I hope to be off of it. Care for yourself. I find it calming to come to this forum. It does not make me seem so alone. Downton Abbey sounds like it would be fun to watch. I have a hard time understanding accents!! Like I said in an earlier post try to understand a person with an IA, IL, & Southern Kentucky accent - that's me... Anne

Something to make you feel good.

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=Hzgzim5m7oU&vq=medium

[mfh]

On my iPad the speech is clearer and I can get the cc going which helps.

I do hope your Otto has increasingly good news.

Having a tough night tonight. A tsunami came in. I have been doing pretty well alone for close to 3 weeks now with bad moments here and there but tonight I crashed for some unknown reason. Tomorrow is another day. The crashes no longer feel endless but hurt just as much. I know it will pass if I give it breathing space. I also k ow these will happen for the rest of my life. And they do not bring Bill back, of course.

I like the video. I have seen it before anfdit is lovely. Thank you. Think I will attempt sleep after a cup of quieting tea.

Peace to your heart.

Mary

[ShanN]

Mary,

Sorry you're having a tough night darlin. ((((((Gentle hugs))))) and peace for your heart.

I pray Bill will shine down on you and you will feel his love.

Please take care of that pneumonia.

~Shannon

[kayc]

Mary, I'm glad you canceled the food pantry, no place for you to be right now! George loved old cars too, belonged to a car club, we used to go to shows, he helped restored them but never had the $ to buy one himself. 1/4 million, ha ha, that sounds like my luck! My family owned super prime property (100 acres), divided amongst their kids, lost all in depression...we'd be billionaires if it was still in the family! Oh well...LOL!

Maybe the Tsunami is hitting because you're down right now? When I'm under the weather, that's when I want George the most! (((hugs)))

[mfh]

Well I am back to calm, quiet and peaceful. Yesterday I looked through a pile of photos, read a bunch of Bill's incredible poems, and physically took a small step backwards in how I felt. I think those are the main pieces of my tsunami rolling in. I am ok with tsunamis and little waves that wash past my feet. They hurt. I cry. I feel deeply but they are me at the moment and I am truly ok with them. I am also glad and relieved when I can breathe again without tears flowing down my face and longing flooding my heart.

I woke at 5:30am today, did my meditation and took care of Mr. B (Bentley) and noticed at that early hour in January in Wisconsin the temp was 40 degrees. It will now fall all day until it reaches 14. The snow has all but disappeared in the yard and yes, we need snow...lots of it, to bury the brown, the mud and to prove it is January.

Kay, Bill sold that Rolls for what he paid for it because his ex did not want Bill's car sitting in the driveway while the Rolls was in the garage. A tiny tiny piece of his pain for too many years.

Shannon, thank you so much.

I might get dressed now

Mary

[kayc]

Oh Mary, that's sad! (About the Rolls...)

It's also sad about the Tsunami, but unfortunately...they come. At least you're staying in and being still.

It was 13 here when I woke at 5:30 this morning. Going to be cold all week! Arlie drug his 5 gal. water bucket into his dog house, where he spilled it all over his blankets, which then froze with cedar chips and dirt...I spent three hours chipping the chip/dirt off, shaking them, washing them, drying them, cleaning out the washer and dryer. I told him to never do that again! (Do you suppose he listened?)

[mfh]

It is 14 and windy here. I can relate to your weather. Your dog created a problem. I am sorry. It keeps going on, doesn't it? Does he sleep outside? I am sorry you had to work in the cold.

Yah the evening waves are coming in again...I get tired and more so tonight and then the mind starts. I have watched several episodes of Downton Abbey season 2 today...catching up so I know what is going on tomorrow and who the characters are...there are many. It distracts me.

Take care,

Mary

[MartyT]

Dear Ones,

I too have started watching Downton Abbey for the first time this season, and although I love the program, I had some trouble making sense of all the characters and their backgrounds.

I stumbled upon this the other day, and although it goes very, very fast, I did find it quite helpful. You might want to watch it more than once ~ but at least it's a fairly decent summary of all we missed in the first two seasons!

See 'Downton Abbey' Seasons 1 and 2 Explained in 5 Minutes ♥

[kayc]

I haven't seen Downtown Abbey, haven't even heard of it until recently. Will have to see if my basic satellite has it.

Arlie sleeps in the house with me, he's only in his pen when I have to go somewhere.

[enna]

Oh, thank you, Marty. Now that I know ALL about Downton Abbey I feel that perhaps I could get into it this season.

I'm so glad that Arlie is inside, Kay. I found myself complaining about our freeze here in AZ, but I really don't have anything to complain about with all the weather around our country.

Mary, I know about your waves. The weekend seems to be the hardest. You are not alone. I seem to become selfish and whinny when the weekend comes because I don't like the idea that everyone has 'things' to do. I really want Jim to be here with me. This will be a hard part of my grieving to accept. Anne

[mfh]

Kay, it is on Masterpiece Classic on PBS. I figured your pup slept Inside. I am glad. I can't get Bentley to stay outside unless I am with him. I have a fenced yard. Kay, this is season 3 of Downton Abbey. It is a great series and I think you will enjoy it.

Marty, this does go fast. Thanks for it. It does a decent job of catching one up on plot. I have now watched all of Season I and half of Season II. I watch on Amazon as a prime member and they are free to prime members in instant on line video. It is relaxing and I have really enjoyed them and now know who 90% of the characters are and will watch season III first episode again. Great series...as usual. I watch on my iPad as the sound is easier for me. Thanks again for this summary...neat thing. Season I is also on Netflix but not season II. It is a lot of watching.

Peace

Mary

[mfh]

If anyone new to Downton Abbey wants help with character or plot as you start season 3 I am happy to do my best to Answer a question you might have. I hope to complete season 2 tomorrow and I am pretty clear on the first two seasons. I really do recommend watching Marty's link a couple of times before diving into season 3.

Mary

[kayc]

Alas I don't get PBS and can't do streaming with my slow speed internet (the best they have available in my area). Maybe someday it will be available on other stations.

[mfh]

I am sorry. Our rural folks have the same issue...no cable but some have Dish or another local company with satellite. I doubt it will move to another station since it is a PBS program.

Mary

[Wifflesnook]

My daughter and I just love Downton Abbey and have watched it right from the beginning. I guess it's just superior soap but its lovely to get you out of yourself for a while. Like most people my forebears will have been the servants class but this series to my mind makes real people of them all. I love it. Am so glad you people in the US are enjoying it too. We just have to distract ourselves as. Much as we can. I am reading (well listening on audible) to a Stephen King novel about time travel and wishing I could go backward in time. But I suppose it's a bit greedy to want to live happy times over again.

[kayc]

I'd like to live in the 1800's...with George, of course. I'm already used to "survival" life and hardship, but what I hate is the way the gov't has gone, the economy and politics. They don't leave enough to live on and don't care. Back then things were more basic and neighbors cared about each other more. The stress today is more than people should have to bear, and everything is so fast paced. More is expected on the job and families live further apart.

[Wifflesnook]

It's interesting reading this Stephen King never because the hero travels back to late '50s America and King is very good on evoking what life was like then compared to now. His guess of course though he is old enough like me I assume to have lived through the fifties. I remember it as a teenager and enjoyed it then but looking back on it now it seems rather dull. However I think the pace of life was slower and maybe less stressed. Pete and I liked the present though, but of course now I see it differently :-(

[mfh]

Well, in the last 10 days I have watched Downton Abbey - all of seasons 1 and 2 and season 3 episode 1 a second time as it made no sense before seeing the past. I am overdosed on it but am so glad I had the time and took the time because now I am enjoying season 3 so much more because I know the back stories of each of the characters. I am glad, however, that I will not see any more Downton Abbey this week. Season 2 particularly last half was filled with war, death, loss, grief, sadness..even the flu that killed people and a LOT of antique cars that would have made Bill smile a huge smile. So though I am glad I watched it, it was tough.

I am feeling much better...weak yes, but not nearly as bad as last Monday. Today I drove all of 6 blocks to the post office and back. Bentley was so excited he tore into the garage to get to the car. He loves going there because I roll the windows down while I am inside and everyone who is coming and going stops to pet him. He has them all well trained. The post office, in a small town, for those who never lived in a town of 1300 plus the rurals....is a meeting place, gossip place, socializing place. If you want to know what is going on, who is sick or who died, or who is fighting over what new policy....visit the post office.

Tomorrow I will venture out again to pick up a few things at the grocery store. And Wednesday I will host my book club.

Now, folks, I am really listening to my body/mind. I am babying myself if anything...at least it feels that way after 6-7 years of ignoring my body. I am pacing myself, resting frequently and have few plans for the rest of the month. I have survived 3 weeks (today) of solitude. Yesterday I spoke to no one except Bentley. That felt odd. I have my moments/hours when I weep or just feel sad and alone but I guess I am finally ready for the desert I thought I was ready for 6 months or a year ago. I feel pretty lost and empty but still committed to one day at a time. The road ahead has a 90 degree turn in it so I can't see beyond that curve. Starting a new year feels like starting the climb up another mountain in this mountain range.

So....I KNOW you all care and I totally appreciate it but truly...I am doing quite well. I will even bake cranberry bread for the book club on Wednesday... I thought you would like to see one of my better photographs taken around 1978 or so when I worked at a residential/multi service agency focused on kids. We had a fair going on and this is how I looked at the fair.

With gratitude for your love and support,

Mary