Hungers

[Wifflesnook]

Oh Anne thanks. I struggled with whether to share my feelings about nasty thoughts about others because they seemed to me to be those of a horrible person, and I want to be a better one not a worse one. But the responses I've had show such understanding. And Mary - yes I too wondered about the message. I am quite open to the idea that Pete might communicate via a dream. Actually I walked past loads of white feathers on a walk this morning, but since they looked as though some poor bird had been plucked by a raptor (probably a Sparrow Hawk) I totally dismissed that as a message as I'm sure Pete would not communicate via the death of a bird!

[enna]

Oh Mary, I wanted to wait until I had a little more time to respond to your post about our good-byes to Jim and Bill. We have shared our journeys before and as painful and heartbreaking as it is I always find it comforting to think of those last days and hours. This is a time when I feel that I am not alone on my journey.

I so agree with you that it is good to have a dog companion in the house. I have always believed that an animal senses what we humans are feelings.

It does not seem like it has been 8 mos. since Jim died. I hope that I am moving through this painful journey in a healthy way and that Jim would be proud of me for showing some courage – no matter how little.

As you expressed to Jan in your post about not being with her Pete when he passed I firmly believe that our loved ones take their last breath when they choose to do so. We have all witnessed this. I think it is part of our independence and probably the last thing we will choose to give up. We will die when we say so.

Jan, I admire your courage and you are a very caring, loving person. I like how Marty reminds us over and over and over again that our feelings are just that – feelings. Today has had many memories for me as I come to the end of the eighth month of Jim’s death. Yes, there were tears. Yes, there is sadness. It is slightly less painful. Anne

[mfh]

I can imagine that it does not seem like 8 months since Jim died. I really get that, believe me. Where did 34 months go? Where did 8 months go? From where I am sitting it surely seems that you are walking this path very well and I KNOW Jim is smiling. For you to say it is slightly less painful is huge...that is how it went for me, suddenly I would notice that the pain went from 1000 billion to 999 billion. Very gradually you begin to breathe. I carry you and Jim in my heart, Mary

[kayc]

Mary,

I hope you didn't take it that I think it's wrong to hug professionally, I was just sharing MY comfort level. When I was young it was deeply engrained in me that business is kept separate from personal, and I've strived to maintain that. It is how I was able to not miss any work even though I've been through three divorces. I put on my professional demeanor, no matter how I felt inside, and I went to work and performed my duties. It is hard to shake one's past teachings entirely, all of the business courses I took from elderly spinsters...

I think with the things I have been through in my life, if I saw someone really hurting and felt they wanted and needed a hug, I would give it to them, no matter where we were. But that doesn't mean it isn't out of my comfort zone somewhat. I tend to like a little personal space around me unless I am with someone I love and know intimately like a friend or George.

[kayc]

Jan,

Congratulations on your book, and yes, we do all know what you mean. Each time we encounter something we have to experience without them that we feel they should be there for, it's hard. I hope the bittersweetness of this does not take away from the enjoyment of your accomplishment...and I think Pete IS there with you and sharing in it with you.

[kayc]

Anne,

I got Arlie four years ago and I felt as you did at that time...but you know what? I think of how much George will enjoy Arlie when we join him. And I think he's looking on and glad I have him.

[kayc]

Anne, (I'm sorry my posts are separate but I'm trying to catch up as I was not on line the night before last, having gone to see my mom, nor yesterday, as I tackled the task of doing my taxes),

You spoke of our loved ones choosing their time to go, to say goodbye...I remember when George was in the hospital, and I was begging him to hang on, and he shook his head no, and once more I cried out to hang on, and once again, he shook his head no. After they shut me out of the ward, and I found a little room to pray in, they came to tell me eventually that he had died, only they didn't have to, I knew.

There were times it hurt that he hadn't chosen to stay, hadn't fought harder to stay with me, that he let go. There were times I felt angry that he had left me. But all in all I figured it was his time and it was too hard for him to continue here any longer, and I didn't know but what we were maybe being spared a worse fate, there's so much we don't know, so much we aren't privy to, that all we can do is accept what is and try to deal with it. I was left with this one reality: that George love/d me, that he loved me more than anything in the world and if it was within his possibility, he would have moved mountains to be with me. He once made the comment he would have walked around the world on broken glass to be with me...and I know he would. So if he chose to go, it was something he knew he needed to do.

[kayc]

You mention it does not seem that long since they have gone. To me it seems like a million years since George has been here. Sometimes it feels as if it was a dream that he was ever here. It seems so long that I have been living alone, struggling, always alone...

[mfh]

Mary,

I hope you didn't take it that I think it's wrong to hug professionally, I was just sharing MY comfort level.

Kay, the thought never entered my mind. I know our culture had and still has strange thoughts about touch that certainly influenced me as a young adult. I am comfortable with hugging clients but of course, as a therapist, I must consider my client's needs and comfort level and so I have to be tuned into that among other things. But in general, the vast majority of my clients are comfortable with hugs and if they are sobbing, sometimes it is appropriate to hold them...sometimes it actually is not.

Peace,

Mary

[kayc]

Yeah, there's a vast difference between being an Office Mgr. and a Therapist. What's appropriate for one isn't the same as for the other.

[mfh]

I agree. At a corporate setting people have a different kind of personal space...a business sense also. It can all get tricky. There are clients who, at least initially, do not want to be touches and one must know that and honor it. In the end, it just dema ds the same sensitivity..office or therapy. You know that. You have that sensitivity

Mary

[Dwaynecg]

Dear Anne, Pauline, also passed on a Friday afternoon, and also she donated her body to science. The problem turned out to be was that when she and I made the dissection to donate in 1996, they would come to our home and pick her up. But as living in Massachusetts, laws changed and they could only go to a hospital or a nursing home, not a private home any more. As you know, time is of the assents, tissues are only viable for 24 hours. The Hospice nurse made phone call after call to funeral homes to see if anyone could take Pauline to Boston. I called one of Pauline's primate friends, who's husband had a funeral home before, and she gave me a number to call. They came about 7:30 PM and picked Pauline up and took her right up to Boston. She wanted to others, even in death, and that is what she has done. Just like your Jim.God Bless,Dwayne

[kayc]

George was a donor on his driver's license, but the only thing they could use was his beautiful eyes.

[HAP]

Jane's, too.

Harry

[kayc]

Harry, somehow it's consoling to me, his eyes were beautiful and the thought that someone else could use them brings me joy, he would have liked that.