Transformations On This Path

[kayc]

fae,

I'm sorry this has been so hard for you...I am not a stranger to hard places and know what it is to have fear inside. Please tell that fear for me, to knock itself down, it doesn't have any place with you!

Of course you didn't have anything in you for that woman, I wish she'd have realized you are going through enough and don't need that.

I wish I could stand guard for you and not let those ruffians have audience with you! Remember, people will learn what is true so hold your head up and don't give them any power.

I'm glad you're taking a break and are in a "safe place" right now. Sometimes there's a time for hibernating...been there too.

[feralfae]

Dear Anne,

I love the "hands around healing" image, it is truly beautiful.

Thank you for being here to mirror me.

Much Love,

fae

[feralfae]

Dear Marty,

Thank you for your kind note.

Much Love,

fae

[feralfae]

Dear Kay,

Yes, I plan to chase some of this fear away today. I was doing so well. The fellow who was supposed to be there yesterday to sort of protect me was called away, and I decided to "tough it out" which was not a great idea. It is remarkable how much we can be touched by fear when we are already so vulnerable due to the grief. Really astound me, the climber/outdoors person, that I am so susceptible to feeling this vulnerable and unprotected.

It is 10:30 here and I am still shaky, so I will just try to calm down enough to drive into town for my pedicure and happy salad lunch.

Much Love to you, dear heart,

fae

[kayc]

I understand...it's one thing to tackle things we can control, another to tackle things we can't...and we can't control people, just our responses. The outdoors is a whole different ball game!

I'm sorry your friend had to cancel on you...enjoy your pedicure and lunch!

[mfh]

Dear fae,

I am just getting to this site today after doing a lot of nothing as I rest from my conference. I have read all these posts and just want to reach out to you in all that is going on within and around you. First you were called on to start over again in going through Doug's things up there and then face all that you have had to face with the house and the ruffians and your fear. I so understand how a loss such as you (and I) have experienced can trip off fears and even magnify them and make it difficult to sort out what is real from what is not real. It makes us hypersensitive and even a bit on the paranoid side... It is agonizing to say the least and confusing. I am reaching out to you and holding you close as you live with and face all that is upon you up there. I am glad to know you are going to lay low for a while and heal a bit before going back to the house. I am so sorry for all the fear you are experiencing. I do understand being afraid of someone attacking you. Crazy making stuff to say the least. But as you say, you will come through this and I know you will for you see it and are pacing yourself. Please know I (and everyone here) am holding you in the light and walking with you these days. Peace to your loving heart, Mary

[feralfae]

Hello Dear Ones,

SSK was able to get away and we had a nice pedicure girl-time with cups of decaf and lots of good talk. By the time we left, SSK drove me to the house, and helped me load most things I want to keep, and set aside things she will go back to get.

It may be that I am done there, and will not go back for several years. I have left many precious things for the club, and hope they will protect them and do well. I hung the portrait of Doug that was done by our dear friend, who wanted it to be there. I have already posted about it on SuperTopo and other climbing sites, so there is a very public record of its ownership and provenance.

But the most important is that I am going to try better to stay in the flow from here on out, and if things begin to feel less than neural, and preferably lighter, I am going to simply walk away. The board can finish sorting the correspondence, or leave it for many years, until I am ready to look at Doug's handwriting on most items without so many tears, and preferably with smiles of fond remembrance.

I need to keep myself out of going back into trauma as much as I am able while I am up here to sign papers and meet with people. I think the rest can wait. If not, then they will need to find someone else to take on this huge task, for it shall not be me, at least not this year and maybe not next year, either.

SSK rescued me just as I was really getting in bad condition. I am now slowly making my way back to air, and hope to regain some of my equanimity in the next couple of days. It was just too much to expect of me yet. I am going to take care of me.

Thank you all for your wonderful love and kindness, your compassion and caring. It means a great deal to me right now, for although I am surrounded by loving friends, I am not in my own home, and I am saying goodbye to our shared life here in Alaska. I will be better tomorrow. I have coconut sorbet with my own delicious chocolate sauce to nibble tonight.

Much, much Love,

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

Oh, the coconut sorbet with your delicious CHOCOLATE sauce makes me so jealous, fae. You are indeed on a journey right now and we are all with you. I am so glad that you had time with SSK and that you are being helped by someone you feel 'safe' with.

Our memories are what they are and if tears come, dear fae, let them. I have learned that grief tears are healing. You continue to take care of yourself and post when you feel up to it. Anne

[Wifflesnook]

Dear Fae I think we will all breathe a sigh of relief when you are back home. It's clear that you are a person who pushes yourself very hard and I'm amazed at what a task you have set yourself. Please get home as soon as you can. Others can deal with these matters, as you say. Jan

[mfh]

fae, I am so glad that SSK was there for and with you and there is nothing like a spa day to help you feel better. I am relieved that you do not have to return to the house indefinitely and that you will take care of yourself now...

I do still remember the first time I saw Bill's handwriting after he died...it was always the same...consistent just as he was. And seeing it brought forth many tears especially since it was a poem he had written to me...one of many but most were typed though he does have a journal where many of his poems were entered in his own printing. These grief triggers are everywhere. I still come across things in the house that I have not bumped into before and of course as I am out and about, it takes nothing big to set me off. I still remember seeing an Allegro Bay motor home and breaking down right there as that was the model and brand we had as we crossed the country in it for two years.

Do attempt to take care of YOU. Let others do that paperwork and be with friends.

Love

Mary

[enna]

Thinking about all of us who are bravely moving forward on this grief journey we are on - I send you all a "Dream-Catcher" to protect you and keep only good dreams in your memories. The history of the dream-catcher is based in native traditions and focuses on all natural elements in our universe. Good dreams are trapped in the web to sprinkle down on us as we sleep and the bad dreams all float out the window. Let us keep only the good dreams as we journey. Fae, this dream-catcher blows 'fairy dust' your way as you finish up the business in AK. For the rest of us - smile just once today as you look at the other picture. Anne

[MartyT]

Anne, you are a treasure ~ Priceless! ♥

[mfh]

Anne, I do like both of your attachments...I have a large dream catcher...but I do like the sprinkles on this one (for fae)!!

Feeling more rested today and just finished the first of two therapy sessions...the second will be a tough one...a 1st anniversary of a death and it was a suicide. Keep my client in your prayers today. I got her flowers to take to the grave and if she needs me to go with her, I will do that. Could be a tough day for her. (and for me).

Peace

Mary

[Wifflesnook]

Oh Mary. How do you do it? You must be such a comfort to such people. As you are to us.

[mfh]

Thank you, Jan. I find it very healing to help other through grief.

Mary

[kayc]

As George is Native American, we had a dream catcher high up on our living room wall...where Arlie ate it. I have no idea how he reached it. They have always had meaning for me, and perhaps someday I'll have another one.

fae,

I will breathe a sigh of relief when at last you are home. I am glad you have had someone to be there with you through this.

Mary,

I can't imagine what you are taking on, but I know you are a blessing to all who have the fortune of contact with you.

[feralfae]

Dear Friends, Loved Ones, Tribe,

Today, after a last walk-through and a many tears, I turned the keys to our Alaska home over to the Chairman of the Board, who met me there. His loving compassion, kindness, and true friendship meant a lot to me even right after Doug left. He was totally grateful for what I had done, and he was crying also.

Kay, remind me to send one of my spare dream-catchers to you when I get home. I receive them every year from my tribe.

I am hoping to stay here with SSK a few days, and then have invitations to stay many other places for as long as I want to be here. I have many cartons to sort and ship, as well as many things to sort and store up here until we are all comfortable with how things are going at the club, and I can then make gifts of some art and museum objects to be secured and preserved under the stewardship of the Club Steward. The new Club steward has not yet been selected. I imagine it will be one of the young men Doug and I had recommended. I hope so. Our trustees all still sit on the Club board as well, and I am the advisor to the trustees. I think it will all work out fine.

Now I am going to get more rest, socialize, have some time for play, to visit people, go out for dinners, and generally enjoy my time here, having shrugged off the burden of the rest of the sorting and allocating until another time, or perhaps never if the Club archivist and librarian (yes, there is one, a dear, slightly doddering, old alpinist) begins to spend a bit more time in the library/museum. I am planning a set of table and chairs for them in the library very soon, with a reading lamp or two, as a little gift. I should be able to scrounge most of those from some university auction.

So, I have stepped back, and away, from this home, and I am feeling better about that all the time. So many memories and so many smiles around, once I get back in balance from the papers. Mary, thank you for understanding the incredible shift of holding papers with their writing on them. Their minds at work, with their incredible spirits right there, making marks on that page. Having share that consciousness, it is difficult not to start down that path of shared thinking when it is before us, I think. And of course, there is still a path, but we sense it in new ways.

It is beautiful here -- sunshine through the tall, leafy canopy of the birch forest, everything bathed in soft green light, as we move toward the longest day here in the land of the midnight sun. To sleep, I must wear a sleeping masque, and there are beautiful varieties to be found up here for those who need to block the light of night.

Off to make some notes, and soon, I will get my camera out of its little cubby in the car. I need to settle in a bit more right now.

Much, Much love, and so very many

*<twinkles>*

fae

[mfh]

fae, I know I am not alone in feeling relieved on your behalf (and ours) that things are wrapped up for now up there and you can just enjoy your friends. Please do just relax now before the long drive home.

Bill and I were married on the longest day of the year...it was purposeful....a powerful day. Do you have almost 24 hours of day light up there on that day?

Peace to your heart. I do understand the handwriting treasures. It IS Bill's energy on those pages...he touched the paper, wrote the words that came from his soul. So too with Doug. On occasion as I sort papers (yes, still sorting) I come across something he printed or wrote and tears just roll instantly...it is like finding a physical piece of him. Tears rolls right now just thinking about his signature or his writing.

Sleep well knowing that you are done up there for now.

Mary

[kayc]

Mary, how cool is that, to be married on the longest day of the year! George and I were married when we got an extra hour in the fall, we got teased about wanting a longer honeymoon, but we hadn't even thought about that when we scheduled it, it's just how it worked out.

fae, I would love another dream catcher, I felt somehow like it honored his tribe, which the US didn't "recognize", as if it's up to them to decide who is and who isn't a legitimate tribe when they were around long beforehand, ha! I, too, am so glad you are at the point of being able to enjoy your friends and your time there, that is how it should be.

[mfh]

Yes, Kay, we thought the summer solstice was a good day. What was George's tribe? How could the US determine whether a tribe is a tribe? That makes no sense. And is there such a think as a tribe that is not legitimate? I happen to love the spirituality of Native Americans and have done quite a bit of reading over the years in that area. So much to learn from them. Bill and I spent three days on the Hopi reservation several years ago and interacted with members of the tribe and were invited to a couple of ceremonies. I always somehow feel like I am home around Hopi. Makes me wonder about reincarnation which I am not certain about.

Have a good Saturday.

Mary

[kayc]

The US "recognized" some tribes and not others, I don't get it either but as usual, it's always political, probably decided they didn't want to pay/owe them anything.

George is Yuki, through his mother's line. The gov't had the amount wrong too, they halved it so his kids dropped off but shouldn't have.

I love the Native American heritage and spirituality.

[mfh]

Well, Kay. I googled Yuki and 1.5 million responses came up...pretty neat, eh? Around here are many Indian tribes...especially northern Wisconsin where there are still reservations. Bill and I have gone to pow wows in the past and I like the energy I experience there among the tribes.

Mary

[kayc]

I know his mom's sister lives in Redding CA with her branch of the family, I don't know where any others are. I so wish he was here and I could meet his mom's side of the family.

[mfh]

I would think with the Internet you might be able to find her and from her, the rest. I surely would be looking...if you want to meet them all. Have you met his mom? Or any of his family? I bet there are websites to help people if d people..

[kayc]

His mom passed before we met. George was the second to the oldest of eleven kids, and the family is pretty messed up, addictions, etc. I met some of his siblings. He told me about his aunt and her kids, etc. Most of his family are users steeped in their problems so I thought it best not to pursue this avenue esp. without him here to protect me. I've cautioned his daughter along the same lines and told her which one is the least affected but also let her know she's probably better off sticking to her mom's family, I think George would greatly concur.